The Year In Review 12/31/14

   This year in review:

1. Life was richer. My soul soared more than ever.  I had more excellent times with loved ones, clients and friends than any other year.
2. I wrote more

A Reflective, Grateful Innkeeper 12/30/14

      I am not quite sure who I am today.  I've gone through a lot lately. More about that when I have time to write and clear out my head.  Below are gratitudes for today.

1.  For personal growth.  I am different than I was two years ago,  five months ago, than I was last

week. I have a greater inner peace than I realized.  Mine has been strong for decades. Now, it guards my heart in ways

Roses for Ashes 12/30/14

        A bittersweet time was had Sun-day.  I let go of a relationship, sweetly.  Love accompanied sorrow, connection partnered with sepa-ation.  The visit had laughter and tears stirred together.  Ashes of loss birthed four bouquets of

Inventory of the Past Week............ 12/27/14

      How was your Christmas?  Mine was fine, spent with someone dear Thurs-day morning and with the family in the afternoon, evening.  This holi-day will linger until

My Favorite Christmas Story... 12/25/14

Today's illustrations are from my favorite
Christmas book,The Christ Child, Illustrated
by Miska and Maud Petersham 

     Merry Christmas.  I hope each guest of this inn had a lovely day.  I did.  What is Christmas?  Nope, it isn't about gifts.  It's about one Gift,
Christ.  This holiday is about God taking on human form, dwelling among us, full of grace and truth.  (John 1:14) I know for many this is no longer true.

     Thank you, for visiting this year. Inspired and encouraged, is my

Arriving at Clarity... 12/23/14

Gratitudes For This Evening:
1.  Met with friends tonight.  Lovely.  The subject was one we all connected with: feelings.
2.  Visited Christmas Lane in the island town of Alameda.  A wonder for the eyes.
3.  This week is the

My Second Favorite Christmas Story 12/22/14

     In keeping with our countdown for Christmas, I present this story.  If you missed the previous season-related tale, my third favorite, you can find it here.  

     I wrote this in 2011, presenting it on Christmas Eve, here.  I'm making it

My Third Favorite Christmas Story 12/21/14

WWII photo of the Ardennes Forest

      Good evening, one and all. I hope life is treating you well. For many, this is a frantic, mater-ialistic season.       
             
        Needn't be so.  In the inn, we're having a countdown for the biggest day of this month.  For this, and the next two days, I am sharing stories I've written related to this season.  My  hope is to

Expressing Feelings and Values, Not Acting Like The Codependent Person I Was Groomed to Be ....................12/20/14

           I visited a blog Friday night.  Appal-led.  No emotions expressed. What was written was theore-tical, giving the semblance of thoughts of an unim-aginative college student writing a college paper.  As tasty as distilled water.  Honesty, vulnerability or transparency were

A Recently Upset Innkeeper. Five Lessons Learned.......... 12/17/14

2x4

       I am upset.  [Innkeeper's Note: No longer true, after re-writing this post and outlining my thoughts Thursday morning.] That's okay.  It's good being emotional disturbed----the alternative is worse, not in tune with our feelings.  It is im-portant ,for our mental health, feel-ing the enormity

of our emotions. With recovery we can, without being

Patience Tested---I Am Getting Stronger ....... 12/16/14

          Full day of work, depleting me emotionally and physically.  I'm worn out. Wasted time this evening, prepping and driving to Alameda to see a client. She bailed out, due to depression.  Maintained my peace of mind, in spite of this happening.

         Pushed on, pushing a

The Value and Joy Known When Internally Referented......... 12/15/14

     It's been awhile since I have written about external referenting, not referencing.  Check the labels at the bottom of this inn. There are several listings about this concept.  Often, we are this way when

Do You Know What It Means If You Are Too Busy?..... 12/13/14

You may feel that the world is too messed up, that too

many wrong choices have been made,that it doesn't

matter much what you do, that it's hopeless. But that's

not true. Just as every problem can be traced to a wrong

decision, every solution begins with a wise and loving

decision to do the right thing, the loving and unselfish

thing.

A little bit of love can make a lot of difference. One act

of kindness or unselfishness can start a whole chain re-

action of events that will, in the long run, make life a

lot better for a lot of people. So don't despair because

there is so much suffering and grief and wrong in the

 world. Instead, do what you can to make things right

and encourage others to do the same. The world won't

 change in a day, but we can make a difference if we

try. (Photographer's caption) All rights reserved.

Saturday's Gratitudes:

1. I made time for me.  I had a migraine headache last night.  I slowed down today.
2. I'm thankful for discernment that allows me to avoid others who are not good for me.
3. Rain.  Plenty of it.  We needed it.  I also like how creates a different mood.  It makes hunkering down and reading a pleasure to do.
4. Wrote a letter today.  I enjoy letter writing.

The Innkeeper Was A Burglar......... 12/11/14

     Yesterday I was a burglar.  At least two people thought I was.   I wasn't appre-hended.  As I type, I am not  handcuffed.  A fellow saw me, calling the owner of the house on her cell phone, while I made a visit.

      On the door, I rapped.  Since this event, I was told this is the burglar way.  This is what the police told the homeowner.  At least I did that right.

      Inside, the dog barked viciously, growling also.  Normally,

An Un-American Concept, We Are Primarily Spiritual, Revisited ......... 12/9/14

Image: "Snowdonia: Nantgwynant" by Tim Blessed.

 All rights reserved. Use by permission.

        I am re-posting what you find below.  It is one of the all-time favorite posts written, number six.  You may not have read it yet or were not around when I wrote it three years ago, this last November.   Here it is:

        I'll share a few thoughts interspers-ed with recounting a day that was demanding, emotionally and mentally.

        I prefer days like these to be few and far between.  A calmer pace allows my

Dips and Turns Are The Stuff of Life. Avoided the Fangs Of An Emotional Vampire 1,000th Post ......... 12/8/14

The Giant Dipper at the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk

Innkeeper's Note:  This post is the one thousandth. Wow.  And I have sixty-three drafts I haven't posted.   I like celebrating milestones.

     Thank you, for your visits.  It means much, making what I do here

Ten Antidotes to Worry, Fear ........ 12/6/14

   I am tired.Con-cerned.  Worried even.  I will focus on what makes me thankful.
Gratitudes:
1.    Not reacting or catastrophizing when hangups appear.
2.    For love received from

Ten Things That Make For a Healthier Relationship. What's Happening With The Innkeeper........ ................. 12/4/14

  What have I learned lately?  How about this:

1.  Speak truth.  But, do so gently.  "The mouth of the wise commends knowledge. But from the mouth of the fool gushes folly." Proverbs 15:2
2.  Be present.  Share what is alive within me, graciously.  This means not being triggered or motivated by fear.  Presence is possible when we are

It Is Never My Responsibility To......... Revisited 12/3/14

         Good evening, the following has been around for a while---three years last November.  It's so old you may have overlooked it. I am re-posting it, for those new to the inn and those who need their consciousness to breathe in the principles sprinkled below.

         This passage is about being truly internally referented. Yes, that is an actual word. It's about taking care of ourselves---not losing who we are because of our relationships with others. 

          May you have a great, vibrant, rest of the week as you seize life, not letting it meekly pass you by.          The Innkeeper

"Amidst the constant turmoil and drama that surrounds us, as we live life, many
stop noticing what is going on with themselves.  Something more important and
life threatening always seems to intervene.  When we acknowledge a situation as
 it is, we want look at our options instead of looking at the options available to
other people."   Courage to Change, p.359

The following are general principles from Al-Anon Family Groups. I'm sure they
 will help when trying to figure out our responsibility in our relationships with others. 

It Is Never My Responsibility To: 

G

ive what I really don’t want to give

Sacrifice my integrity to anyone

Do more than I have time to do

Making Amends, Better Than Apologies...... 12/1/14

Innkeeper's Note:  Amends. Far superior to apologies.  Best way to restore fractured rela-tionships.  I wrote the following three-and-a-half years ago.  Still a good subject.  Let me know your thoughts.  Here it is: 

**********

     Amends is a source of emo-tional and psychological relief, ridding us of unnecessary guilt. 

      It's rewarding, to have the

support of caring friends and family members.  I enjoy growth when I embrace the diffi-cult parts of life.  Such as making things suitable with someone I offended.

     Earlier today, I met with a friend I've known for 30+ years.  I learned of issues requiring mending with his wife.  She's held a grudge for more than fifteen years.  I had no idea. I like

The Past Week: Good and Bads...... 11/30/14

       Once again, it's time, reviewing the high and low points for the recently concluded week.  He's how it looked for me:

Highs: 

1.  Had an in-depth conversation with someone dear.  Feelings and concerns were expressed lovingly,
kindly.  I love conversations where both people are

Today Is The Biggest Day........... 11/27/14

        Good morning everyone.  Many suffer from worry, depression, frustration, self-loathing.  An Attitude of Gratitude coun-teracts these ills.  Cherishing our loved ones and counting our blessings are key.

       Thank you for dropping by.  This is the central day of this inn.  May this Thanksgiving Day be the best ever.

     Thankfulness depends not upon

Tomorrow, The Greatest Day of This Inn ..... 11/26/14

“Life without thankfulness is devoid of love and passion.

 Hope without thankfulness is lacking in fine perception. 

 Faith without thankfulness lacks strength and fortitude.

  Every virtue divorced from thankfulness is maimed and

 limps along the spiritual road.”      John Henry Jowett        

       Thank you for dropping by this inn of encouragement and praise.  What thanks have you?   Of all the days of the year, tomorrow will be tops for this inn. In America, this Thursday is about the vision of this cozy place in cyberspace: sharing thanks for the good things that are a part of our lives.

Growth Requires Effort---Reaping What We Sow......... 11/25/14

     I awoke tonight at 10:45 p.m. after conking out on the couch while reading.  My body has more sense than me. Pre-cious, my cat, was curled at my feet.  Not done before, us being together since June.  She's letting me know I rate.

     Normally, I work late on Tuesday night.  It is holiday time, I caught a break.  Tonight, I'm reviewing

Calmly Surprising a Controlling Person 11/24/14

        The other day, while with friends, I was in a good mood.  Peaceful even.  Towards the end of our time someone said, "What's wrong with you Pablo, you were quiet tonight."

        This assumption she said, even though I shared my opinions

The Demon of Denial ................ 11/22/14

“As we express our gratitude, we must never forget
that the highest appreciation is not to utter words,
but to live by them.”   John F. Kennedy 

        Awhile ago I met with someone I mentored. This per-son danced around issues needing attention.When he became defensive, I held my ground,  prompting a discussion about the difference between being unaware and denial. When a person is unaware of an issue, the response often is, "Do I do that?  Can you help me deal with this, do you have any ideas?"

     Denial is entirely different.  When one is in it, he becomes defensive, perhaps agitated, or argumentative---justifying his perspective. Such responses indicate that the demon of denial has appeared.

When relating with others, and this monster lurks, I don't debate with them. There's no point arguing with a drunk person. When we're in denial we are emotionally intoxicated, beyond reasoning.

      Besides, when there's a difference of opinion, I don't argue; I share my position, leaving it at that. It's not my role to convince.  I find heated discussions unproductive; they're only good for escalating tension, creating ill-will. Who wants that?

     It was interesting noting this man's overt denial as we spoke about this very subject. It's not my job to change anyone. There is only one God.  I am not Him.

      I let this mentee know I will not avoid reminding him of this demon of denial that lives within him.

Faithful are the wounds of a friend but the kisses of the enemy are deceitful. The full soul loathes the honeycomb, but to the hungry soul [the one that doesn't have discernment or recovery] every bitter thing is sweet.   Proverbs 27:6-7

This person's reaction allowed me to know I have better uses of my time than pursuing the subject of denial regarding his relationship with a predatory woman.

Gratitudes: 

1.    I'm thankful for sanity that happens when I do not pursue fruitless discussions.  I have better ways of investing time that offer a better return.

      This same person wanted to analyze areas needing growth. I stopped that. We need a different consciousness than the one that created them. Analysis doesn't change anything. Action does. Taking steps, albeit tiny ones, leads to substantial growth. Flowers, oak trees, human physical growth are all incremental; but they provide big results over time.

2.   I'm grateful for the progress that occurs when staying in the solution, looking at healthy alternatives when faced with problems. For more about this with specific ideas about doing so, please click here.

Encountering a Hollywood Celebrity
      While mentoring this person at a quaint but unfriendly cafe in Corte Madera, there was a smallish guy at the counter, wearing white shorts and a grayish blue t-shirt, his back to us. The person I was with and I were tucked into the bay window that fronted the sidewalk.

      The guy at the counter rose, paid his tab, facing me as he walked towards the door. His unshaven face gave a sheepish smile as his blue eyes met my darker ones.  He brushed by our table on the way out.  It was Robin Williams the actor, comedian.  He was shy.

     He pulled his over-sized black sunglasses over his face before walking out the door.  He got in his black Audi, transporting himself to whatever the day held for him.

3. I'm thankful for life's surprises, excellent weather, the cool bay breezes, clarity of thought when conversing with others and the silent, abundant joy we know when we know our boundaries and adhere to them. This peaceful, abundant joy has another name: serenity.

4.  I love my profession.
5.  Life is good, the result of having a vision and working towards my goals. As the Greeks said,

If you aim at nothing, that is exactly what you'll get.

  6.  I'm regularly getting rest. How could I not have an Attitude of Gratitude?

    You know the routine. I ask if you can share at least three gratitudes when you drop by.  You've heard mine. It would be terrific hearing yours.

Related Post:

The Problem Lies Beneath Our Nose

Lessons Learned From a Sassy Female ............ 11/20/14

       I have a new girlfriend.  She's been mentioned here, at the inn.  She's sassy, but quiet.  My type of gal.  She's immodest, doesn't like wearing clothes.  But she loves me dearly----I'm sticking with her.  Her name is Precious, a Himalayan cat.

Precious

      I thought I was training her.  I have.  But, she is

Being Gentle Towards Ourselves 11/19/14

“The six most important words:  I admit I made a mistake.

 The five most important words:  You did a good job. 

The four most important: What is YOUR opinion?

 The three most important: If you please. The 
two most important words:  Thank You. 

The one most important: We.
      Least important:  "I.”   
Author Unknown

Image: The California coast: Point Reyes

My Gratitudes:
1. Met with friends tonight.  Getting back at it.  For nearly a month I didn't attend-----was immersed in following my Giants baseball team as they marched on, even-tually becoming national champions.
2.   It's fulfilling seeing others getting

The Vision of This Inn.............. 11/18/14

Innkeeper's Note: 

       I am recuperating from a crazy week and weekend.  My sleep has been thrown out of kilter for days, along with my equanimity, though no one would know it.  This is what has happened to me, the result of being a public speaker for decades.  I have nerves of steel even when disoriented.  

       Outwardly I am calm, when my soul feels like it has been in the

Calmness In The Eye of the Storm, Part III, Revisited 11/16/14

Troubles are often the tools by which God fashions us for better things.
Image: "Countryside: Across the Valley" by Tim Blessed.  Copyrighted photo. Used by permission. 

        Busy, I have been.  Plenty busy.  But, I figured there has  been enough silence at the inn.  I have a high priority I am preparing for.  I leave this post, it was popular when this inn was new.  Let me know your thoughts. Here it is.

******

        It's a great feeling, not perseverating when stressed. And, right now, I am under pressure. Getting agitated never helps.  How can I be mentally clear, when

Increasing Our Contact With God 11/11/14

     Using a different computer.  Mine woke up sick today.   It's in the shop.  It will be the third fan put in it, in the last six months.  I asked Angelo at the computer shop if they had a loaner.  And here

Patience is Active 11/9/14

      Today, an intense and intensely good conversation with someone dear was had. For three-and-a-half hours, making me happy.  I got clarity.

       Refreshed, alert, I am, the result of conking out this afternoon. The past week had me on a torture rack. The demands faced stretched me

Seeing Progress 11/7/14

    It's that time.  Often, here at the inn, we review the high and low points of the week just ending. Here are mine:

High Points
1.  I am getting regular, consistent sleep.  More often.
2.  I am maintaining sobriety regarding use of the internet.  I have no problems with drinking.  I said internet use. If not careful, I could spend too much time perusing the internet. When I die, I don't think I will say, "I wish I spent more time using my laptop."
3.  I am using a new paradigm when working with

Today Is One of the Good Ol' Days We'll Talk About In the Future................. 11/6/14

Image: "Switzerland, Autumn Mist" by Tim
Blessed.  Copyrighted photo. Used by permission. 

My Gratitudes for Today: 

1.  For studying.  It helps me to contin-ually grow.  I milk more out of this day, this week and month, enjoying more of its luscious, intoxicating quali-ties, when I work on my personal growth, daily. 

2.  For rest.  I slept in this morning.  Was it needed.  It contributes towards

Where Has The Innkeeper Been? 11/5/14

    I have been here every day, since Friday.  My visits were unnoticeable. I worked on my previous post, every day since Friday, getting it right.

    I enjoy the sculpting involved with

Untangled From the Tentacles of Guilt and Codependency 10/31/14

1.  Fear of abandon-ment, covered in the link above.
2.  Defensive hope.  A huge problem, a fantasy-induced way of living.
3.  Fear of confronta-tion.  The result of co-dependency. See number 5.
4.  Developing char-acter discernment.  A critical skill necess-ary for healthy, thriv-ing relationships and peace of mind.
5.  Not being codependent---swallowed up by what others think of us or caught up in rescuing others.  See the attached link for more about this subject. More about this in a moment.
6.  Romanticizing relationships.  It happens all the time, and films and TV portray the immature, unrealistic approach towards connecting emo-tionally with another.
    The character of the object of our love can be overlooked.  It is what we will be living with and affecting us the most.  We want to be deeply aware of this critical part of their identity.
7.  Assuming the victim role.  Passivity.  Not facing the issues in our lives needing work.  For our lives to be dynamic and fulfilling, it is critical to care for ourselves, protecting ourselves from abusers.

      Victims surrender their dignity.
   

     They fear rocking the boat in their re-lationships.  Victims are filled with self-doubt.  Victims live lives from a stuck position, often mak-ing them feel suffoca-ted or filled with inner rage that isn't expressed.  They be-come emotionally immobilized.
 
     Victims are afraid of offending.  Even when this boat of the other person's personality can be a garbage barge, carrying a city's worth of judgments, blame, and shame towards them.

     Passive people do not stop perpetrators from dumping this barge of emotionally damaging filth on them. Relation-ships are authentic when we speak our truth calmly, without fear, and we express our feelings and the needs beneath.
   

      A UCLA study reveals a reduc-tion in the activity in the limbic system when we name what is going on within us. This happens when we are aware of the feelings churning within us. Along with it, there is an increase in our prefron-tal cortex that contributes towards improved emotional balance, well-being, and executive functioning.

     Pausing with mindfulness when in a conflict gives us the space to choose better responses.  Noticing what is happening allows us to not be lost in it.

    Not so, for passive people.  They allow abusers to routinely pour con-demnation and criticism within the ocean of their souls. Letting this toxicity manipulate them.  Victims are not proactive.

    We need to get off the floor. if we feel like a doormat 

      All seven of these issues listed we cov-ered this month. More unhealthy habits need to be rooted out.  When we do, healthy, life-giving relationships will be ours.

      This is authen-ticity. (See here for more about this.)  When we are with a safe per-son, intimacy thrives, and genuine bonding occurs between two people. This leads to relationships that are present---where we experience what is.

     We bond when relationships enjoy emotional safety and recipro-city.   These are friendships full of vitality, and they are the connec-tions that invigorate, energize us.

      We are better people when enjoying healthy relationships.  Unsafe, toxic people are the opposite, and they are emotional black holes that suck life and joy out of us.

      Today's subject is false or imagined guilt, and this negative feeling draws predators who smell our vulnerability through lead.

       People who carry guilt will look for someone to play the guilt inducer role in their life.

[For the hungry soul, every bitter thing is sweet.  That's how sick we are.  We endured abuse.  Now, it's a part of our nor-mality.  In fact, we crave abuse because that's all we've known.]

      The guilt inducer plays the martyr role, acting like his misery is the fault of the person wracked with guilt or shame. 

      The guilty party, in turn, is hooked into taking responsi-bility for the other person's pain, anger or disappointments or their blame. [Which is not the guilty party's responsibility, ever.]  He is easily manipulated.  He never feels free in the relationship. 

      The hook of guilt, however, lies within the person who picks the guilt inducer.  She will feel as if the guilt is "put on her," or so and so "makes me feel guilty." But this thinking is a disavowal of responsibility .  For someone to make us feel guilty, we have to have some part of us that gets hooked into that dynamic and agrees with the accuser and their blame.  

                And that dynamic is usually codependency.   

                    Cloud, Townsend, Safe People, p 105. 

       We want to free ourselves from manipulators.  We want to realize no one can make us happy, sad, angry, experience guilt, or any other feeling without us giving them permission to do so.  The following wraps up the quote above:

 This is why the power to be free [from manipulators] is within us, our power.  We begin to deal with our guilt [and our baggage]. We become free of the hook that guilt inducers use to control us.  Safe People 105

        I have a difficult client.  Each time we meet, she tries pin-ning blame on me and takes no respon-sibility for what happens in her life.

        She believes her problems are due to the behavior of oth-ers.  She is unable to see her contribution to her difficulties.  During sessions, I do not accept her victim mentality.

        According to her, this makes her feel bad.  I don't accept the guilt she tries to ply.  Every time I do not take her accusations, she's star-tled.

        I understand why.  Ninety-six percent of the world is code-pendent.  Such people are susceptible to guilt.  She has never met a person who wasn't moved by her manipulation.

       Until now, I am not motivated or intimidated by the guilt.  Her blaming comments don't move me.

     People loved by a supportive net-work are untang-led from tentacles of codependency.  Wracked with guilt, they aren't.  Nor are they anguished by mistreatment.  The grip of lies and gos-sip cannot grasp a person with a strong supportive network.  Such an individual has a healthy self-image.

     It is derived from the love they get from their Balcony People.

     Resilient people embrace negative realities.  They use such circum-stances to further their personal growth, and they do not have a victim mentality.

         Guilt no longer rules the feelings of those who stand in their power, recovery, and integrity.  The resilient are bathed in love, and they are acquainted with authenticity.  

         Reciprocity and emotional safety mark their relationships.   Con-demnation, within or without, is given perspective.

         When we are resilient, mistakes are not seen as failures.  Lapses of character or fortitude are growth opportunities.  We are gentle to-wards ourselves during times of loss.  

        We forgive ourselves.  We are mindful of the quote by  Goethe pic-tured above.  We realize as much recovery we do, we will never progress beyond being human. 

       We maintain our integrity.  We are true to our values during tough times.  We maintain integrity by being honest---present---with friends.

        People with recovery are loved.  We are filled with grace, and emo-tionally healthy friends do not condemn us when we err.
       

        Acceptance, not ridicule, is the norm when revealing our vulnerabilities.  We are loved by our sup-portive network, and it consists of compas-sionate, gentle friends.

        Be wary of those who are quick to judge.  Especially those who are convinced they know our motives, and they don't.

"Only the spirit of a man knows the thoughts within him."   I Corinthian 2:11.  

        All forms of conclusions, interpretations, and assump-tions are forms of judgment.

        We want to tell those riding the high horse of superiority, espe-cially those feeling this way because of assumptions, to dismount.  Immediately.  If they prefer to canter along in their judgments, it is best not to walk away from them.

        We must run.

         Safe People always care more about the relationship than any issue they have with another.  Unsafe people care more about what troubles them than the relationship. Such people are toxic for our emotional safety and mental health. 

       Safe People confront an issue to restore the relationship and forgive.  Unsafe People correct to condemn.  With Safe People, we find nurturing, support.

       Unsafe People are self-righteous, creating emotional toxicity with all those they relate with.

        With recovery, moments of vulnerability----admitting weaknesses---are easy.  We take to heart the quote pic-tured above from Goethe.  We are aware of what trig-gers us, our vulnerabilities.

        We mention them when they surface.  This openness with others results from an accurate perspective of who we are---the definition of humility, teachability.

       Recovery allows us to be transparent.  Errors are seen as opportun-ities for growth.  Negative generational legacies are replaced.

         Condemnation once known when making a mistake is replaced with self-compassion.  We are tender towards our wounds.  When we err, compassion replaces self-judgment, and this is acceptance with grace.

         We block our own well-being each time we base our self-worth on what we do or what others think of us.   (Courage to Change, 118)

         Living authentically, we reveal our characterological warts to close friends.   Our flaws do not define us, and they do not show there is something wrong with us.

         We are simply human.  We are forthright about who we are, the good and the bad.

        When our vul-nerable, less-than-best parts of our-selves are loved, they can be healed and transformed.  If this Hunchback por-tion of our inner self is condemned, we have a problem, and our progress will be plodding.

        Our wounded parts will retreat.  When this happens, growth does not occur, and the Quasimodo that lives within us remains injured and deformed.

       Healing takes place when the truth is matched with loving grace.  Our inner deformed self transforms into the prince or princess we yearn to be.  I know this to be true.

        I see this take place every day in my work.  It requires effort, not excuses, and it happens when the truth is balanced with grace.
       

       With recovery, we learn we are not loved for what we do or don't do.  This is true even when we think we should have done more, try harder.  It is encouraging, being loved for who we are, warts and all.

       Our outlook changes when we realize who we are is good enough. We are enough, just as we are.   If that isn't so in another person's eyes, that individual is unsafe and emotionally blinded, not us.

       If a person is falsely accused, boundaries and recovery allow him to not swallow the poison of shame proffered by the accuser.  Guilt mon-gers no longer manipulate an internally referented person, and the unsafe accuser needs to process their inaccurate judgments. 

        Their criticism is a statement about their soul's dark and harmful nature.

How About You? 
How do you prevent guilt from eating or manipulating you?