I wrote to a friend I've known since twelve. A disap-pointment needed processing. Expres-sing our concerns is the best approach.
Image: "Scotland: Ben Nevis With His Hat On"
Non-violent communication (NVC) helps. We get better results when expressing needs without using Life Alienating Communication. For more about this subject, you can read here.
Its five forms are blame, shame, fear, guilt, or judgment. Rela-tionships improve when using NVC.
The letter worked: my friend responded to my needs. I strongly expressed what disturbed me and what I wanted in our relationship.
Our life improves, when we take care of the needs beneath what troubles us. It involves standing in our power, recovery and integrity. You can read here (the second half of this post), for addition-al thoughts.
We needn't be stuck or panic when life presents unwanted circumstances.
It's our responsibility, handling life's disappointments. Resentment builds if we expect others to rescue us.
A child, we are not. Responsibility for effecting outcomes we want is ours. We are the only per-son on earth who can make our needs our number one responsibility. (Courage to Change, p. 229)
One key point: it helps seeking God's will, along with asking Him for the power to carry it out. This is applying Step 11 in recovery. If things don't go our way, we don't sulk.
We trust life's out-comes after our best ef-forts at following His will.
Asking God to do what we want is asking him to perform our will, not His. In Twelve Step recovery work, making a decision to turn our life over to the God of our understanding is the Third Step. It grants us serenity.
We will be happier campers. A crucial point: if I'm disturbed by a person or circumstance, I haven't turned that person or situation over to God. I'm still at square one, Step One, in recovery speak.
We'll be encouraged, seeing new legacies rooting in our lives, the result of exercising constructive actions. Expressing our needs, while also being respectful towards others is a difficult characterological skill. It is a skill not taught to us as kids.
It isn't our family's fault, alone, this inability to express our values and needs while simultaneously being kind and courteous. Churches and schools contributed to our social ineptness, as kids.
Unhealthy Principles Often Taught in Childhood:
1. We are to unquestioningly obey others.
2. Expressing our opinion is not allowed.
3. To not speak, unless spoken to versus being respected for what we have to say.
4. Others know our needs better than we do. We are to trust and defer to the opinion of others, even if we ar uncomfortable or disagree with the views presented.a. This is the beginning of being externally referented.
5. Ignore our feelings. Comply, even if it doesn't feel right, because we should.
6. Disagreeing, is disrespectful. This is especially if the other person is an authority figure.
7. Passivity is encouraged.
Often we are coerced as children to open our minds. Allowing values to be poured into our minds. They are not to be challenged. This was being a good child, student and parishoner. There was a small problem. We are individuals.
The above listed values are unpalatable, now and back then. Holding onto our dignity and self-esteem, by swimming against the current of childhood authority figures, was courting punishment and shame while growing up. As a result, we face disappointment, the crushing of our spirit.
The values listed above make us timid, not a driven or confident person. Defiance towards authority figures subjected to shame, punishment and ridicule. Our independent self is tamed, squelched.
We want to live in relationships where we enjoy reciprocity, mutuality and independence. Being respectful while maintaining our individuality allows us to be authentic and peace of mind. We'll be happier while maintaining our dignity, too. We'll enjoy improved, balanced relationships.
Our vision clears, allowing us to make decisions that are fair for everyone, others and ourselves, too. Frustration is replaced with satisfying relationships. What a gift it is, being freed from the disease of codependency.
Expressing Our Voice
We have integrity when voicing our boundaries. We being at home with ourselves. Boundaries declare our values, likes and dislikes.
It lets others know the "Must Haves" and "Can't Stands" that define who we are. If we want to be happy, we need to be adults. Adults disagree with others. Boundaries are normal and necessary for equanimity and peace of mind, and emotional safety.
We risk disapproval when we are clear about our boundaries and are mindful our worth is not based upon what others think of me. (Courage to Change, pps. 9, 118, 217)
Others can think and feel however they please about us. But, we are happiest when our behavior is congruent with our internal clock. We enjoy greater satisfaction when we live consistently with our worldview.
Will rattle others, though.How About You?
1. Is there anything that prevents you from expressing your views?
2. What allows you to overcome the negative conditioning you experienced as a child?
2. What allows you to overcome the negative conditioning you experienced as a child?
Posts
