Creating A Better Today................ 9/24/17

       Beyond pretense. That was our subject.

      A friend of sever-al decades-----a Bal-cony Person of mine, and I lunched. The freedom enjoyed when facing our vul-nerabilities was covered.

Resiliency Revisited.............. 8/20/17

    Thriving during difficult times.

     This is the stuff that emo-tional resiliency is made of.  It is not cowering to abusers.  It is the inner strength that pre-vents us from surrendering when the feet of our character is put to the hot coals of stress.

      Without recovery, this stress is usually self-induced, the result of our projections, judgments and interpretations of the behavior or others. 

      Resiliency is relating with difficult people and not being moved.  While such engaged, we maintain our confidence.  Our happiness is

Moving Beyond Blockages ..... 8/31/14

       Whenever we apply healthy alternatives to an area of struggle in our lives, we are creating a better today.  Acting like a victim is a choice, not a
destiny.
       These are three blockages mentioned in previous post:

1. Fear, anxiety, being

Happiness Is An Inside Job, Part II 2/18/14

      Where to begin?  Many stories to tell.  Adventures, physi-cal exertion, personal growth, along with romance thrown in, for good measure.

       I'm beat. Bushed. Wiped out.

       The past two days have been hectic. On top of that, I'm speaking Saturday at the monthly fellowship for the local district of Al-Anon Family Groups.  I'm squirreling away parcels of time, preparing for that occasion, also.

       There are other pressures I'm wrestling with, as well.  And such a life is the case for most of us.

        We are often overwhelmed with all the responsibilities doled out to us.  It helps to take life fifteen minutes at a time.  This is being present.

        We'll know more serenity.  It comes with living by recovery principles.  At times we need to HALT.

 "Fear makes true that which one is      afraid of."   Viktor Frankl. 

        The good thing is, we can still be happy, delighted with life, when pressured.  Joy isn't externally related.  It is not based upon the job we have, being in a relationship, the type of car we drive or how we are doing financially.

        Happiness is an inside job.  It is attitudinal. our pre-sent, persistent pressuring predica-ments can be at a pitch that without recovery, can push us towards perseveration.

        Our happiness is not because our circumstances change.  We change.

      This is the difference between surviving and thriving----enjoying life deeply with joy, knowing how to have a peace that transcends our difficulties.

       We are responsi-ble for our feelings.  We want to checkout how we can nurture ourselves when stressed.

       One outlet is ex-ercise. Going for a walk, cycling, work-ing out with weights, or doing yoga.  When we do, stress is released from our bodies.

       Keeping ourselves active, there will be no need for a windbreaker or vest on cool days.

        Despite the pressures faced, we can still be happy and thrive.  And no, we won't be crazy.

      Helping others overcome trauma is traumatic for me. This is where acceptance with recovery is the balm for healing the difficulties we experience.  It is not passivity, taking what comes our way. 

      Awareness is clear-headedness, seeing our circum-stances, accurately.  Then, we decide our options---what can be done to overcome our challenges.

      Staying in the solution regard-ing our fears, troubles, and anxieties, transforms our daily quota of betes noires. They become approachable, less frightening.  Our character grows, our life becomes manageable, our joy increases. 

      We move from the ghetto of child-like responses to won-drous valleys of emotional maturity. 

 My Gratitudes for Tuesday:

1.  Perseverance, the fruit of physical exer-cise and maintaining spiritual disciplines. It helps us to draw strength from our relationship with God.

       We are happier, we celebrate life, even when the storms of urban living shower us with ongoing pressure.

     Growth requires going beyond our comfort zones. It is realizing our limitations and appropriating a Power Greater Than Ourselves. Doing this, we are seizing life.

     Life is richer when we move beyond our limited understanding.  Inspirational literature helps us mature and become wiser. We gain a wider perspective.
2.  For writing. It provides mental clarity. This is especially true when we do an inventory of our lives.

      We empty what percolates within. Scribing is self-care, it is making time to get acquainted with our inner selves.
3.  Daily working on our recovery makes us grow.  We will be stronger than we were last week, more level-headed. We handle challenges more successfully than we did a few months ago.

      Working on our personal growth daily, life becomes more dynamic.

       Our days become more fulfilling with each passing month, day, hour, each minute. Recovery helps us move from being reactive to having greater executive functioning.  When we work on ourselves, "each character flaw [is] replaced by a new and good quality."  (One Day at a Time, p. 280)

God Does the Work, All We Have to Do Is Ask, Revised 11/7/13

        I wrote this in July of 2011.  Many of you may not have read it, as most of you were not around, back then.  I updated it, along with the gratitudes.  Please let me know your response.

        Wishing you a great and grateful day, The Innkeeper

****************

        I'm grateful that areas in our lives needing improvement get better when we turn them over to God.  Progress does not occur by working harder, or thinking positively, despite what the self-help books proclaim.  Sorry,

Expressing Our Voice: A Great Antidote for Depression, Revisited............... ...................7/9/13

Image: "Scotland: Ben Nevis With His Hat On"

       I wrote to a friend I've known since twelve.  A disap-pointment needed processing.  Expres-sing our concerns is the best approach.

      Non-violent communication (NVC) helps. We get better results when expressing needs without using Life Alienating Communication. For more about this subject, you can read here.

       Its five forms are blame, shame, fear, guilt, or judgment.  Rela-tionships improve when using NVC.

      The letter worked: my friend responded to my needs.  I strongly expressed what disturbed me and what I wanted in our relationship.

      Our life improves, when we take care of the needs beneath what troubles us.  It involves standing in our power, recovery and integrity.  You can read here (the second half of this post), for addition-al thoughts.  

      We needn't be stuck or panic when life presents unwanted circumstances.

      It's our responsibility, handling life's disappointments.  Resentment builds if we expect others to rescue us. 

      A child, we are not. Responsibility for effecting outcomes we want is ours.  We are the only per-son on earth who can make our needs our number one responsibility.  (Courage to Change, p. 229)

     One key point: it helps seeking God's will, along with asking Him for the power to carry it out. This is applying Step 11 in recovery.  If things don't go our way, we don't sulk.

  We trust life's out-comes after our best ef-forts at following His will.

     Asking God to do what we want is asking him to perform our will, not His.  In Twelve Step recovery work, making a decision to turn our life over to the God of our understanding is the Third Step.  It grants us serenity.  

     We will be happier campers.  A crucial point: if I'm disturbed by a person or circumstance, I haven't turned that person or situation over to God.  I'm still at square one, Step One, in recovery speak.

     We'll be encouraged, seeing new legacies rooting in our lives, the result of exercising constructive actions.  Expressing our needs, while also being respectful towards others is a difficult characterological skill.  It is a skill not taught to us as kids.   

     It isn't our family's fault, alone, this inability to express our values and needs while simultaneously being kind and courteous.  Churches and schools contributed to our social ineptness, as kids.

Unhealthy Principles Often Taught in Childhood:

1. We are to unquestioningly obey others.

2. Expressing our opinion is not allowed. 

3. To not speak, unless spoken to versus being respected for what we have to say. 

4. Others know our needs better than we do.  We are to trust and defer to the opinion of others, even if we ar uncomfortable or disagree with the views presented.

              a.  This is the beginning of being externally referented.

5. Ignore our feelings. Comply, even if it doesn't feel right, because we should.

6. Disagreeing, is disrespectful. This is especially if the other person is an authority figure.

7. Passivity is encouraged.

     Often we are coerced as children to open our minds. Allowing values to be poured into our minds.  They are not to be challenged.  This was being a good child, student and parishoner.  There was a small problem. We are individuals.  

     The above listed values are unpalatable, now and back then.  Holding onto our dignity and self-esteem, by swimming against the current of childhood authority figures, was courting punishment and shame while growing up.  As a result, we face disappointment, the crushing of our spirit.   

     The values listed above make us timid, not a driven or confident person.  Defiance towards authority figures subjected to shame, punishment and ridicule.  Our independent self is tamed, squelched.

     We want to live in relationships where we enjoy reciprocity, mutuality and independence.  Being respectful while maintaining our individuality allows us to be authentic and peace of mind.  We'll be happier while maintaining our dignity, too.  We'll enjoy improved, balanced relationships.

      Our vision clears, allowing us to make decisions that are fair for everyone, others and ourselves, too.  Frustration is replaced with satisfying relationships. What a gift it is, being freed from the disease of codependency. 

Expressing Our Voice

      We have integrity when voicing our boundaries.  We being at home with ourselves.  Boundaries declare our values, likes and dislikes. 

       It lets others know the "Must Haves" and "Can't Stands" that define who we are.  If we want to be happy, we need to be adults.  Adults disagree with others.  Boundaries are normal and necessary for equanimity and peace of mind, and emotional safety.

       We risk disapproval when we are clear about our boundaries and are mindful our worth is not based upon what others think of me.  (Courage to Change, pps. 9, 118, 217)

      Others can think and feel however they please about us.  But, we are happiest when our behavior is congruent with our internal clock.  We enjoy greater satisfaction when we live consistently with our worldview.   

      Will rattle others, though. 

How About You?

1.  Is there anything that prevents you from expressing your views?
2.  What allows you to overcome the negative conditioning you experienced as a child? 

Celebrating Life, Enjoying Community With a Stranger and Friends; Practicing Boundaries With Bullies

Wednesday Gratitudes 
1. The weather was beautiful today. Connecting with nature and celebrating life is always good. This was true as I cycled on this gorgeous day.  What a gift it is

Character Metamorphosis: Squeezing Beyond My Comfort Level ........11/26/112

Image: "Bluebells" by Tim Blessed. Copyrighted
 photo, used by permission. All rights reserved. 

 "On the mountains of truth you can never climb in vain: either you will reach a point higher up today, or you will be training your powers so that you will be able to climb higher tomorrow." 

      Good Evening,

I'm checking in.  Today, I worked.  Normally, it's my day off. It's fascinating watching my personality contort as it's developing strengths in areas once vulnerable.

       The past few days I've been squeezing through the slit I've gnawed through my characterological cocoon.  Since this summer, it's been a season of metamorphosis