Moving Beyond Blockages ..... 8/31/14

       Whenever we apply healthy alternatives to an area of struggle in our lives, we are creating a better today.  Acting like a victim is a choice, not a
destiny.
       These are three blockages mentioned in previous post:

1. Fear, anxiety, being

Friends vs. Acquaintances 2/4/14

This is Fremont, California, where I lived as a child.

       I'm thankful for friends.  In today's culture, the word "friend" is used frequently.  In most cases those listed as such are acquaintances, really.  I prefer in-the-flesh friends to cyber ones.  A digital smile from an internet friend doesn't compare to the warmth conveyed by a friend sitting next to me. 

             A friend is someone who is available, when we're

Looking at Life Thoroughly, Using the Three A's: The Healing Power of Acceptance ...................10/5/12

You can't undo anything you have already done. But you
 can face up to it.   You can tell the truth.  You can seek for-
giveness.  And let God do the rest.         Unknown

      We celebrate the sanity enjoy-ed when we see life realistically.
      Awareness.  It's a good start, but in-complete.  It's eighty-eight percent of the answer when dealing with prob-lems. There's no remedy without first noticing the problem.

      The ancient Greeks said, "If we aim at nothing, that is ex-actly what we get."  Being intentional about the areas where we want to grow is essential, to get the life we deserve and want. 

       Awareness helps us overcome life's challenges and disappoint-ments.  With it, we enjoy progress.  Our learning curve spikes.

       And life improves.

       Negative circum-stances lingering, for months----perhaps years---are overcome quickly, when using awareness, when our problems have our full attention.

       Awareness is taking ownership of our feelings, attitudes, and behavior.   We take responsibility for our pain, life's difficulties or emotional disappointments.  With honesty towards ourselves, we see our part regarding our plight.

      Vigilance, or awareness about the areas where we want to grow is necessary for a productive, fulfilling life.
   

       Recovery teaches us that no one can make us happy, sad, angry or have any other feel-ing without us giving them permission to do so.  Our feelings are our property, we take ownership of them.  This truth is essential for personal growth.

      Ownership of our emotions is taking our life back.  We move beyond moping over our history.  We deal with the experience of our past.

       We consider what steps we can take to remedy our past pain.  Recov-ery allows us to be present.

     Those who negatively affect us may not be able to change.  They may lack the perspective to see their troubling values or behav
-ior----areas hindering our relationship with them.  Nor may they have the tools to improve their lives.

     That's okay.

     Dealing with the experience of our past pain moves us from relying on those who have hurt us. They no longer need to change or apologize for us to be happy.  Our happiness is no longer conditional, dependent upon a turn around in the victimizer's behavior.
 

      We find ways of moving on.  We are no longer anchored by bitterness harbor-ed towards those who have harmed us.  We show gentleness to-wards ourselves.

      Kindness towards our fears is applied.  We meet the needs beneath them.  We go for a walk, talk with a friend, or curl up with a book we love.

     We associate with emotionally healthy individuals, we apply bound-aries towards those who see us. We nurture ourselves with more rest, better meals, by studying material that empowers and imspires.

    This is staying in the solution. Instead of cursing the darkness, we light a candle.

    We move beyond grief, painful scars and anger.  We replace the inadequate response of bitterness with better behavior, thinking, and forgiveness.  We learn that "Forgiveness is not forgetting, it is letting go of the hurt." When we do, our lives move forward unencoumbered by the weight of ancient emotions.

  "Acting like a victim is a choice, not a destiny."            Hope for Today, p. 189

"Freedom comes from taking responsibility; bondage comes from giving it away."                        Henry Cloud, Changes that Heal, p. 218

           Happiness and personal fulfillment is ours when we take own-ership for our feelings.  We become emotionally mature when we surrender playing the "Poor Me Victim" role.  Our life vastly improves as we replace inadequate behavior and dysfunctional thinking with new and better alternatives.  (One Day At A Time, p. 280)

Rooting Out the Problem
The Vital Need for Acceptance

      It's vital moving beyond awareness.  Awareness is inspecting our issues from a cognitive perspective.  Acceptance is next.  

       It is taking the perspective awareness provides and dealing with our issues from the emotional perspective, from the heart level.  This step is often overlooked.  We usually focus on solving the problem.  This is trimming the shrub of diffi-culties, not rooting them out.

       Using only our head, our challenges are guaranteed to return.

       Acceptance is being in touch with the issue at the visceral level.  It involves five steps.  It is:
1.  Seeing the vexing area.
2.  Feeling our re-sponse to it.
3.  Taking our feelings a step further. We grieve the loss involved.
4.  Letting the negative sentiments go---often through forgiveness.  Forgiveness is not forgetting, it is letting go of the hurt.
5.  Seeing what steps we need to take, looking at options that allow us to move beyond our pain.

       This involves connecting with others, getting their support.  It requires determining the fears beneath troubling issues.  Next, is seeing the needs beneath what agitates us and seeing how we can show kindness towards these needs.

       Acceptance is pausing while in the midst of a situational or emotional hurricane.

       Pausing gives us the space needed to choose better responses.  It calms our emotional self.  When we are aware of what is happening in the moment we have vertical integration, our mind comes into play.

      It comforts our agitated feelings.

      With vertical integration our mind goes online.  No longer frantic, we have greater emotional balance.  We also have a better sense of well-being, along with greater executive functioning.

      Acceptance helps remove ten percent of the problem.  Acceptance is not  resignation, "Oh, this is my lot in life.  I have to tolerate it."  It is taking action, not yielding to what's unacceptable.

      It is staying in the solution.

      Here's another critical point: many go straight from aware-ness to action. "I see the problem, and now, this is what I need to do....."  and we design an action plan.  Bad idea.

      When responding this way we are only involving our mind. The heart level plays a part, too.  Acceptance is rooting out the problem.

      When was the last time we made time, determining why we isolate, or inventoried a perturbing area?  Examining  the source for festering issues is critical for mental, emotional and physical health.

      Connecting at the gut level is crucial. If we want healing from pain.  Negative feelings are remedied when they are tended to, not ignored. 

      It is wise looking for the emotional payoff for our unhealthy behavior and limiting beliefs.

     When was the last time we did an inventory of our thinking, checking for false beliefs? When have we noted lingering childhood feelings that keep us caged with depression and powerlessness?  We want to challenge current behavior formed as a child, young adult.

     It's characterologically healing, to ask ourselves if our habitual feelings or thoughts are really true. It's important noting that as children, we may not have had the emotional and psychological wherewithal to process our pain.  As adults, it is more likely we do.

     For this to happen, we need psychological or emotional distance.  It helps us clearly see areas needing growth.  We get this from emotionally healthy friends who accept us.

    When we fail, they are compassionate.  They don't judge us our weaknesses. Instead, they help us discover behavior and thoughts that serve our need to thrive and celebrate life.

       We thrive when surrounded by friends who loves us. Yes, they challenge us, asking hard questions about our feelings, attitudes, and behavior. But they still love us. This is necessary to replace problemed areas in our lives with new and better behavior.

The Shoe Leather of Personal Growth

        Awareness of what triggers us is helpful.  Handling the emotions that surface---meeting the needs beneath them is even more critical.  Next, is applying the shoe leather of practical action.  An action plan is a bridge that takes us from our need to the steps necessary for us to have the life and peace of mind we want.

       Donning the shoes of practical principles and actions help us when we are out in the street of life. They assist us in handling life's demands.  We want to apply healthy alternatives.  We want to move away from unhelpful default modes.  We want to replace unsuccessful former ap-proaches with new and better behavior.

        Practical principles permit us to tread upon the gravelly aspects of life without being harmed.

       Action is the remaining two percent needed for handling painful areas. There you have it, the Three A's.  Awareness deals with the head, acceptance with the heart and action with the feet (what we do).  Applying healthier alternatives---staying in the solution---helps us move beyond what were once monuments of our past pain.

       We will enjoy better relationships, sanity, serenity, emotional health, and ease.

******  

     Recently, life offers more drama than I care for.

     I not sleeping much. No fun.  Am I complaining? I hope not. Inventorying the past few weeks, that's all. Awareness precedes improvements.

Being Kind Towards Myself

"We achieve inner health only through forgiveness - the forgiveness not only of others but also of ourselves."                         - Joshua Loth Liebman

     I lost a notebook containing important records.  Telephone numbers listed within are not recorded on my phone.  It included a lot of my writings.  I'm frustrated and annoyed with myself.

     Occasions like these allow the practice of patience.  It reminds me to be gentle towards myself.  This means forgiving me.

     I'm human. My recent behavior is like many, when stressed in different areas.  Life has been unmanageable.

     I'm thankful for several supporting me today.  Their insight and wisdom provide clarity I don't have right now.  I feel scattered.  Their humor lifts my spirit when, without recovery, I would be in the dark tunnel of despair.

     I provide myself with greater clarity by spending time with friends today.

     I don't take life's gifts for granted. This includes friends.  Life is tense without them.  Some of you, guests to this inn, are included in this group.

      I value prayer. Without it, I'd be lost.  I've discovered over the years that I'm as strong spiritually as I am in my prayer.

How About You? 
Which of the three A's are you using to deal with a rocky area in your life?

Happiness is a Choice; Gratitude is a Choice. Better staying in the solution than dwelling on problems........... .................. 5/25/11

     Attitude deter-mines how much happiness we will know.

 "As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he."  

      Abraham Lincoln echoed this when he said, 

"Happiness requires very little, it's all in our way of thinking."  [And, I would add, in the choices we make.]

        Being grateful reveals itself as a terrific choice.  It fills us with hope. It happens as we look backwards with thankfulness and forward with eager anticipation.  

        We can be thankful because we are not alone.  God's love can be ours at all times.  He accepts us with grace, not judgment.  

        We cannot only bond with God but also create a supportive community that loves us unconditionally. This type of support flourishes when developing our discernment and apply boundaries when relating with others. 

         I'm not pollyannaish. (read here for more.)  There's warfare in the world, and many go hungry, daily; abuse abides throughout this world, yes.  Many nowadays are without work.

        Despite these realities, a loving God still exists.  He answers our prayers.  A Power greater than ourselves can provide the sanity and serenity we seek. 

        A positive vision for our lives can be ours, the choice involves changing perspective. 

        It happens when we slow down through prayer and meditation and increase our conscious contact with the God of our understanding.  We want to pray for knowledge of His will and the power to carry it out.  This action mirrors Step 11 in Recovery.

        When we are loved by family and friends we know a reality that enhances our joy.  Life doesn't get richer than that.

  "Many persons have a wrong idea of what constitutes true happiness.  It is not attained through self-gratification but through fidelity to a worthy purpose."        Helen Keller 

        How about you?  Where do you choose to invest your thoughts?  I'm amazed at what we choose to focus on. Yes, problems can engulf us.  Complaining doesn't solve them.

       I find sweeping our porch a better option; in doing so, the world becomes tidier.  Spewing bile may offer temporary release.  Doing what we can about the issue, provides a constructive alternative; "Let it begin with me."
   
        It surprises me how much we stay in our minds, without subsequent action.  

        Before recovery, I worshipped my mind.  It was the result of a classical and thorough education.  I  used analysis to make sense of the nonsensical.

       It was my attempt at trying to control the uncontrollable.

       That's futility and insanity.  I know it's chic to be critical, sophisticated to be sassy.  I'd rather fill my heart with love and praise for the gifts life offers. 

        Don't you agree?  My guess imagines you saying yes, or you wouldn't be reading these silent words in this home of gratitude and thankfulness.

         Focusing on the problem creates a downer mentality.  The problem remains that we are focusing on the problem.  With that viewpoint, of course, we'll get upset.   I'd rather look at the alternatives as to what I can do, staying in the solution.

           Many don't realize that being critical does not reveal an astute analytical mind.  Anyone can complain; it's easy to be consumed by a dark spirit, defaulting to this mode.
     
         Many are not aware that being judgmental has nothing to do with their assessment skills. Their viewpoints stem from a heart filled with blame, shame, guilt, and judgment, the five forms of Life Alienating Communication.  Frequently, critics are simply continuing the negative legacy of growing up within the toxicity of a negative, depressive, critical home where grace was rarely demonstrated.

          Since childhood, many living in a less-than-ideal home were groomed to be critical.  It was modeled for them daily.  Seeing what was wrong became part of their cognitive and characterological DNA.  Having lived with toxic---and usually perfectionistic---family members, the bleak circumstances of their childhood strongly contribute to adopting a critical perspective.

"Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."   Philippians. 4:8.

This is my choice, dwelling upon the blessings and treasures I have.  In keeping with that theme, here are...

My Gratitudes for Today:
1. My baseball team played today and I watched the game.  It was a respite from daily pressures, taking in a game.  It slowed the pace of my evening.  Baseball remains a game of nuances; it has the speed of yesteryear when life wasn't as frantic.
2. I spoke with one of my older brothers this afternoon.  It's lovely connecting with family and catching up on the latest news.
3. Another brother, who lives in Hawaii, by phone, I almost reached. We share a comfortable relationship; we think alike. Besides that, he has a wonderful personality.  I treasure the life-long bond we share.
4. I had an open conversation with a son.  The openness, thoughtfulness, and honesty we had met my need for connecting on an intimate level.  It's great relating with an adult son.  Hearing his mature but different perspective was gladdening. Mine remains limited.  I appreciate the times we celebrate together.
5. I appreciate patience.  It allows me to slow down, when life engulfs me, with the urgent tries to distract me from the important.  Turning things over to God, and letting Him carry the burdens of my life makes it more bearable, less frightening, and increases my equanimity, always a good deal.

Related Posts:
Getting Beyond Disappointment 
"Happiness is a Choice"  Part II