Speaking Our Truth, Why We Don't............... 7/2/15

         Saying what we want.

         How difficult it can be. Fearing the reactions of oth-ers. It makes us feel like walking on egg-shells.  

        Wanting to please, we have a false belief.   We think our needs are less important than others. We are not honest.

       We agree---outwardly. Yet in-wardly, we protest.  We do not state our opin--ions---what we want or do not want.

      We comply. Inside, we fume. Being authentic is hard.  

     Often, we fear rejection if we are. We dread disapproval. Expressing our feelings and wants doesn't happen.

    We fear ruining the relationship.

    Big question. What type of relationship is it if we can't be honest? Is it worth having? I say no.

        Not express-ing our true selves does not let others know the real us. Nobody's needs are met. How empty is that?

        Our need for connection and closeness is not met. Intimacy---to know and be known is not satisfied. The need for others to under-stand us is neglected. 

       Relating genuinely with others---doesn't take place.

      The ancient Greeks used masks in plays. The classic tragedy and comedy masks we know. They indicated a performer's role.

       Built within were megaphones, ampli-fying the character's voice. This is where the mask got its name. Personna.

       Per---meaning through. And Sona, referring to sound. The personna was the image a character portrayed while "sounding" through a mask.

      This is the source for the word "person." More than 2,700 years later, it re-mains true. Many people continue to speak through a giant mask, not revealing their true selves.

      We say, "I'm fine," when asked how we are. While the fact is we aren't. Our relationships are as tasty as shredded wheat.

     That is an insult to shredded wheat. That fiber-filled cereal is tastier than insincere, inauthentic relationships.
     

      Today, I was honest. I was angry with someone. This person had not seen me this way.

       A rare occurrence. However, there was no mask. I said what I wanted. I expressed what I didn't like and what irritated me.

       It.  Felt. Good.

      There's nothing wrong with anger. It's how we express it that's important. We can be intense without being frightful. With strong emphasis, I stated my feelings without judgment.

       This required noticing the judgments and seeing where I blamed others for my feelings.  

       Instead, I took responsibility for my emotions. Our feelings are our property. No one can make us angry, sad, happy, or have any other feeling without us giving them permission to do so. 

       In today's case, I removed the "shoulds" I had towards this person. I felt much better. I connected fully with the deeper needs underlying my negative feelings.
 

     I expressed the needs not being met. When I did, I felt immediate relief. It did not require the other person to change.

       I was now standing in my power and recovery. I was faithful to values I hold dear, acting with integrity. My life became manageable.

      How did I experience release? By expressing my feelings about my needs fully and with intensity. But I was not scary while angry with the person who upset me.

      I took responsibility for my feelings, not blaming her. I did this by expressing the depth of my emotions about my needs not being met. They were said without judging her.

     

      Because I did, the other person heard me. Thank God for recov-ery. I responded, not reacting. My needs to self-express and enjoy peace of mind were met. And for that, I have an Attitude of Gratitude.
Gratitudes: 
1. My life is richer beyond my imagination ever considered. I am thankful for all the blessings I enjoy.
2. I enjoy being present. I am not hampered by fear or anxiety. I love discovering where my relationships will go, not manipulating out-comes.

3. The nature and depth of my friendships. It satisfies my soul, con-necting with others, where loving, considerate honesty is matched with integrity, authenticity, compassion, and emotional safety.
4. I am happy helping people from different corners of the Earth. Yesterday with a client in Austin, Texas, and one in Reno, in addition to those I saw in person in San Leandro. Today, I had a session with someone in Bavaria.
5. I love the confidence that recovery offers. I love being free from codependency and the discretion/prudence recovery gives me. I am bathed with the garlic of recovery----it keeps emotional vampires away, freeing me from toxic relationships.

How About You? 
What are your gratitudes for today?

I Did Not Receive the Light (I was De-Lighted, & Delighted In Standing My Ground). Also, Disappointment, Using Must Haves and Can't Stands 3/23/13

       Are you enjoying your weekend?  An unusual experience was had by the innkeeper today.  A trip to San Francisco, observing people practicing their faith was the occasion.  A person I know invited me.

       Emotionally drained, I am.  At the event, six people approached me ---ten times--- encouraging me to light up, and I'm not talking about a cigar.  Each time, quietly and with a warm smile, I declined. I can say my "no" as gently as my yes.

       First to entreat me was the head honcho, although she was a woman. Maybe I should call her the head honcha.  A power emanated from this Japanese woman as she approached me.  This faith is Japanese based.

       Confidently, she asked me, if I wanted to

Enjoying LIfe, Knowing Fulfillment and An Overview of the Past Year ...........1/1/13

      It's great feeling good, elated, even.  Many want that experience.  Unfortunately, depression is the lot for many.  As I've written before, all negative feelings are a result of an unmet need.

      Doing what we love and expressing our voice are two ways that allow us to meet our need for meaning, celebration of life and participating in the quest for fulfillment.

     I have the good fortune of being in a profession that

Expressing Our Voice, Not Being Externally Referented, Protecting Ourselves From Emotional Vampires 12/4/12

Avoid emotional vampires

     Greetings to everyone,

Many suffer from depres-sion. Many are angry. Much of the world is filled with people gripped by the rav-ages of abuse. 

There's hope for overcoming these issues.  

One Second of Response Time for Every Year Invested in Personal Growth ..............................4/14/12

A smile of encouragement at the right moment may act like sunlight
 on a closed flower. It may be the turning point for a struggling life.
Image: "Wetlands: Day Is Done" by Tim Blessed. (Caption by the photographer.)
All rights reserved, copyrighted photograph. Used by permission. 

       In Friday's post, "Emotional Aikido, A Great Way to Handle Stressful Moments With Others" Keith commented:

  "I find the concept of Verbal Aikido quite fascinating-thanks for introducing me. Also, I completely agree with the concept of detaching yourself emotionally while in adversarial scenarios-a sort of "emotional compartmentalization.: so-to-speak.”

      I'm giving this important subject---that can greatly contribute to our happiness---the attention it deserves. So,

Being an Adult---Saying No Gently, Without Fear, Getting Out of the Fog............................................. 10/26/11

“God gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today. Have you
 used one to say “thank you?”  William Arthur Ward Please
do so today by posting a gratitude. It will do you good. 

      I love seeing peo-ple grow in aware-ness. Today, I spoke with several consid-ering their options.  They no longer auto-matically accommo-date the needs of others when others make demands.

       Part of being an adult happens when we disa-gree, agreeably.  Expressing our opinion, voicing what we want, creates a great antidote to depression or resentment. If we fear dif-fering with others, we will find ourselves in a one-down relationship. 

       It's frustrating and dis-empowering to yield our values to others.  Often we don't want to create a stink or we fear harming the connec-tion. If someone doesn't respect our values, what type of relationship do we have?

       Yielding to others, in order to please, has an unpleasant impact upon our emotions (we become angry or depressed),  our mental state (we can fall into self-loathing or nega-tivity), and our physical well-being.(think of getting hives, high blood pressure or strokes).

       All such negative conse-quences result from not exercising boundaries.  We do not know how to say our "no" as gently as our yes.  It helps remembering that "no" forms a complete sentence. We have a right to refuse without explanation.

     If someone displays anger because we say no, they reveal much.  They want us to make decisions based upon their reaction, not our principles.  By giving in, we place their personality above our values.  Our emotional health develops when we place principles first.

      Their angry response violates a basic right of ours as adults, the right to make choices.  There's a word when someone uses anger, blame, shame, fear, or guilt to motivate us: manipulation.  It's emo-tional coercion, a form of violence.  

       Giving in to a bully reveals emotional slavery. 

 "Guilty or reluctant compli-          ance is never operating                from love; it is slavery."  

                Changes That Heal, p. 126. 

     When we yield to the coercion of others, we ransom our freedom.  We are surrendering our integrity.  We are not being true to our values.  

     We believe to keep the relationship we have to give in.  Is that in our best interests?  You know the answer. 

     The angry person wants control over our lives and what we choose.  Not a good deal.  When this happens, we should be energized regarding our stance and opposition. 

   

      Their behavior informs us, at least at that moment, he or she is neither considering our opinion nor feel-ings.  We must insist on having reciprocity, bal-ance, and fairness in all our relationships. 

      This is where we need to get out of the FOG, fear, obliga-tion, or guilt.  When we live in the fog we are not operating from love or independence.  Yielding against our wishes only alienates the relationship, creating frustration and resentment within us. 

      For meaningful relationships, we speak our truth calmly, without fear.  When we do, we will have better connections with others.  Because we are letting them bond with whom we really are. 

My Gratitudes

1.  I met with friends this evening. Wariness happens after going through an emotional hurricane Monday.  I saw someone at tonight's event, resolving an issue. I enjoy reducing clutter in the attic of my mind.

2.  I got reimbursed for expenses for com-munity service I do. I appreciate working with others who have integrity and follow through with their responsibilities---in this case taking care of money owed.
3. My two younger sons are joining me Friday for two seminars I'll attend that day. They are serious about wanting to grow in their effectiveness professionally, financially, and in their interactions with others.

     I'm proud to have sons who want to take a serious look at areas where they can grow. I appreciate seeing them continually mature, characterologically, before my eyes. I'm happy we'll be able to share the day together. What a treat. Really.  

     Okay, you know the routine. I ask visitors to please sign the registry by sharing three gratitudes.  Today, if that is daunting, I'll go easy: I'll ask for one. I appreciate the fellowship and community we share when you do comment here. Thanks!

Related Post:

Being Gentle When Expressing Our View

Handling Conflict with Grace and Some Questions for YOU 6/12/11

      Hey, let me know what you think of this video link from psychologist John Townsend. He's an author I respect. To see it, click here.

Questions I have for you: 

1. What do you do, to resolve conflict?

Not Allowing Others to Determine Our Moods or Define Who We Are (Getting Healthier by Being Internally Referented.) ..... ..................6/1/11

         Good late evening, everyone.
Today's topic in just a minute----it follows the gratitudes listed below. Today was good. I met with a friend. Afterwards, I had hours alone to study and write. Ahh!  Having time alone is wonderful; I've been alone but never lonely. We are lonely when we cease to be at peace with ourselves.

       I'm improving in my dealings with

Responding Not Reacting, Part II ( An Opportunity for Growth, Spiritual Weightlifting) ...................5/30/11

Emotionally Charged Conversations

       When disagree-ing with someone, awareness that we have limited knowl-edge, helps.

       We don't know what's right in every situation.  During such times, the acronym THINK helps.  We want to ask, "Are my comments and behavior Thoughtful, Honest, Intelligent, Necessary and Kind?"

Getting Work Done, Boundaries, Freedom from Pretense

      What a wonderful Wednesday this was!
The weather was fabulous. Now is the time when I frequently post gratitudes; while it is still this day, minutes away from tomorrow. As you will read below, there are many things for which we can be grateful. It's not really hard to think of some.

      If you're stumped, try using the alphabetical approach: I'm grateful for air, I love the sound of babies laughing, as their parents blow on their bellies and beautiful flowers.  I'm thankful for cars and cats.  You get the idea.

Courage: Speaking Truth with Kindness & Courtesy (also, Seeking God's Will Amidst the Clutter of Life's Demands.) .....4/19/11

Thank God for beautiful flowers!

       My gratitudes for today, while it is yet Tuesday:

1. Someone strayed from general principles that are foundational for Al-Anon Family Groups.  Unfortunately, her influence disrupted the unity among members. I spoke with her privately this evening, after a meeting we attended.  When I finished, she wrinkled her nose and said, "Thank you."

      It was clear she was annoyed.  That's okay.  I'm glad I spoke calmly and courteously.  How she chooses to respond is up to her.  I spoke from my perspective, how I felt about her actions.

     I mentioned the need for unity, harmony and fellowship.  After I shared my concerns, I let it go.   Her response was not my focus. Time will tell.  The results are in God's hands.  I "Let Go and Let God."

     I'm thankful for the courage I exercised this evening, this person has an aggressive personality.

3. Cooperation is always great.  Healthy, considerate communication invigorates my soul.  I'm glad I spoke my truth with this woman after the meeting. It's important for me to understand others and to be understood.

4. Early this morning, before the day got started, I listed my priorities.

        I did so, prayerfully.  I submitted these tasks before God, asking for His guidance.  It's a great,  getting many tasks accomplished.

       What was more satisfying, was operating from a perspective seeking His Will.  What I did today was not a result of hustling, making things happen, in my own strength alone.

"The mind of man plans his ways but the Lord directs his (man's) steps."   Prov. 16:9

"Commit your ways to the Lord and your plans shall be established."    Prov. 16:3

Time With Family

       I'm meeting with my oldest son tomorrow, for lunch.  It's overdue.   Nothing is greater than investing in family.  I pray God blesses our time.

       My son is a gift from God----a considerate young man.  He's working hard, finishing his degree at a nearby university.  I'm convinced the best thing I can do for my sons is to let them know how proud I am of them, love them and be available, if they need me.

5.  I appreciate the time my son and I will have to connect

6.  One of my best friends I'll see this Thursday.

     I was his best man when he got married and he was mine, when I got married. We've known each other since the 7th grade. We went through school and sports together.  Meeting with him allows me to enjoy mutuality, terrific conversation, deep love for each other, stability, and the support that only an old friend provides.

     Thank you, everyone, for dropping by.  May I ask you to share your gratitudes?  I know many of you are still getting used to this place which is essentially a gratitude journal for Blogger's cyber community.  Don't you think now would be a good time to exercise your gratitude muscles?  I hope and believe so.