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| Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same. ~Flavia Weedn, Forever, © Flavia.comImage: "Countryside: Windswept" by Tim Blessed. All rights reserved. Used by permission. |
Tonight, speaking before a group, felt good; it's wonderful to self-express. The subject: emotions. The strength and perspective I've developed in this area makes me the happy guy I am. As a kid, the gremlins of fear, dread, sadness where at my side and kept me company. As a youth, these little monsters entered into my emotional neighborhood when I was taught---by school, my family and church---that the needs of others were more important than mine. Then, I ignored my feelings. More about this, in a moment.
The occasion tonight was transcendent. Afterwards, there was time for others to respond to what I said. Eleven spoke up. The dialog was so intense that the group ran out of time. Taking a vote to see if we wanted to allow extra time, permitting everyone an opportunity to share, was suggested.
The vote was unanimous: yes---a first. Witnessing their flexibility, doing something counter to their traditions, was inspiring. They realized that those attending, not the clock, was the priority.
The reaction by the eleven who shared was heart-felt. I wiped away tears when one person spoke. She mentioned that neither of her parents ever told her that they loved her. It was sad, not once did they ever muster the vulnerability, letting her know how much they cherished her, the youngest of four kids.
I am friends with this lovely, gracious woman. She works in the helping profession, too. She joked that, in relationships, she once controlled others; it was her way of loving them. Now, as a part of her personal growth, she lets them be, requiring less effort.
It's a privilege, connecting with others who share openly, with authenticity.
The Silent Scream of Depression
Filling Our Love Bank
I learned later in adulthood the importance of paying attention to my feelings, needs and behavior. Depression, I said---last night---is a silent scream. My psyche is shouting that I'm not paying attention to----me.
This negative emotional state reveals I'm running in the red. I'm emotionally bankrupt, needing to focus on making deposits into my "love bank".
I told the audience I am responsible for my feelings, not others. I disagree with those who say, "you make me feel........." you fill in the blank. No one can make me angry, sad, happy or another feeling without me giving them permission to do so, I said.
Coming to Terms With My Feelings Affectively, Not Cognitively
I went on, saying how vital it is, coming to terms with my feelings. And I need to do so in my gut, not just using my head. Until I do, my emotional baggage will not be resolved. Now, I own my feelings, honoring them, giving them deserved attention. I discharge negative emotions healthily, by cycling, talking with an empathetic friend, or journaling, for example.
As a result, I'm happier. Life is serene, richer, more fully bodied. I attend to what is alive within me. My friendships are deeper, having greater honesty---I let others know what's troubling me, if something is stuck in my craw. Laughter has replaced fear. Now, transparency without judgment are hallmarks with those I connect. There's less drama. Mutuality and reciprocity thrive in my relationships, allowing for greater balance.
I continue to care about others, like I did as a kid, but now, I equally care about me.
My Gratitudes for Wednesday:
1. A wonderfully satisfying evening with others. I love experiencing community
2. I rode my bike for ten miles with a friend. Our time was limited. We had issues to discuss so we didn't scoot around town as much as we usually do.
3. The weather was warm---there was the luscious humidity that occurs before a storm. For the first time this year, no windbreaker was needed when I cycled.
4. Gathered with friends later in the night, at the restaurant Juanita's.
5. I'm thankful knowing that analysis does not change our emotional or mental problems. We need to deal with them at the affective, primal level.
6. Someone tonight wanted a quick answer to their problem with self-loathing, depression.
Enjoying life is not the result of an easy fix, I told him, before the group. I told them there are no linear, three-step actions that solve long-term characterological issues. Legacies that have existed for generations will not change by investing one hour a week in addressing them.
I'm thankful for speaking the truth, rather than offering false hope, even though I was pressured by the requesting person to do so. I'm happy I stand in my integrity---that I did not attempt to do something that was contrary to what I believe, just to please him and the group. They wanted a quick solution.
Enjoying life is not the result of an easy fix, I told him, before the group. I told them there are no linear, three-step actions that solve long-term characterological issues. Legacies that have existed for generations will not change by investing one hour a week in addressing them.
I'm thankful for speaking the truth, rather than offering false hope, even though I was pressured by the requesting person to do so. I'm happy I stand in my integrity---that I did not attempt to do something that was contrary to what I believe, just to please him and the group. They wanted a quick solution.
7. It is very fulfilling, making my life count.
1. In what ways has the Silent Scream of your inner self been trying to get your attention? What are some needs that it wants you to take care of?
2. How do you fill your "Love Bank" when you feel yourself getting emotionally or spiritually bankrupt?
3. What are gratitudes?
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