 |
“The road of life twists and turns and no two directions are ever the same. Yet our lessons come from the journey, not the destination.” Don Williams Jr. Image: "Tullamore Lane" by Tim Blessed. Copyrighted photograph, all rights reserved. |
 |
He's in a bog. Care needed when enmeshed
in a bog of circumstances that don't serve us. This fellow is a codependent. That's why he's happy. He's accustomed to being stuck in a mess. Life offers more: peace of mind. |
Dear _________,
A big part of our disease is that, without working on healthy alternatives in the areas where we are vulnerable, using the resources of a mentor, or connecting with emotionally mature others, we allow those who disturb us to own big chunks of our mind and heart. We give away our serenity.
We are easily externally referented. [Yes, that's a word. For more about this concept, please read here.] When in the grips of this malady, our conversation and thoughts are consumed, dwelling on the person we want to please, usually due to us not having intrinsic sense of worth.
Often these individuals are emotional bullies. Upon meeting us, they can smell our codependent qualities----through lead. They abuse us because of our deep-seated need for their approval. And low self-esteem.
Externally referented, we focus on the needs of others. We wonder why we suffer from depression, self-loathing and anxiety when the answer is we are neglecting our needs, behavior, thoughts. Our options are overlooked. (Courage to Change, p 359) We assume the victim role. That's what I notice about those who relate with narcissists and emotional bullies.
"Acting like a victim is a choice, not a destiny."
Hope For Today, p. 189.
When we view ourselves as victims, we don't see our contributions to the troubled relationship.
Looking back, I can accept that plenty of unacceptable behavior was directed at me, but I was the one who sat and took it and often came back for more. I was a willing participant in a dance that required two partners. I felt like a victim, but in many ways I was a volunteer.
Today, as a result of my [growth] I know that I am not helpless. I have choices. When I get that old feeling that tells me I am a victim, I can regard it as a red flag, a warning that I may be participating (with my thoughts or my actions) in something that is not in my best interest. I can resist the temptation to blame others and look to my own involvement instead. That’s where I can make changes. Courage to Change, p. 361
We deserve better than tolerating abuse. Allowing it speaks volumes about our low self-esteem.
Often we don't see reality. We live in a fantasy. Defensive Hope. [For guests to the inn, more about this subject can be found here. You'll be glad you did.] Insanity is not doing the same thing, again and again, seeking a different result.
No, it isn't, despite what many in recovery say.
Such behavior is a symptom of insanity. What causes us to do so is the insanity: we don't want to face reality. We'd rather believe fiction, a fantasy about the relationship, how the relationship will be if we only try harder, give more and please these unpleasant people who are emotional vampires.
This is is the tell-tale, screaming indicator that we in the grips of the disease of external referenting. We don't get better by isolating----healing ourselves by our efforts alone. Characterological growth requires a different consciousness than the one that created the problem---our own thinking and feelings---our distorted values. [To read more about this, click here. ]
Seeing things through the prism of damaged self-esteem, due to growing up in an unhealthy home---perhaps one harmed by alcoholism, verbal and/or physical, emotional abuse---is a chancy proposition. Often the ideals learned there, aren't. Other conditions that make a troubled home include perfectionism, raging, mental illness or emotionally unavailable parents.
This is where Al-Anon Family Groups extremely helpful. However, this organization is not for those who need it: it's for those who want it. I know it has a great source of help for me. The best I've ever found. [Please see note at the end of this post.]
I'd encourage you to return to meetings. Of course, that's your choice. For me, I'd rather stay in the solution and learn alternatives rather than emotionally staying in the funk of depression and battered self-esteem.
"A situation in which the lives and sanity of an entire family are at stake is not so easily solved, but the super optimist resolutely clings to the illusion that Al-Anon Family Groups can fix everything. It "fixes" nothing. That is up to us. Not in the once-a-week meeting alone, but with plenty of in-between reading, constant recall of the principles, and constant use. Al-Anon does have the formula, but it is we who must use it." One Day at A Time, p. 351.
Legacies created by generational abuse and neglect will not be overcome by only investing one hour a week in overcoming these areas. (One Day, same page.) No, transformation requires hard work, learning better principles and getting help from supportive others. Growth and recovery does not happen without effort.
I believe happiness and a better future is worth the struggle. Don't you?
Defensive hope is hope that [we think] protects us against grief and sadness.
Sometimes simply hoping a person will change keeps us from the pain that we need to face. Hu-mans are incredible optimists. Especially when it comes to destructive relationships. For some rea-son we think that a person who is hurtful, irrespon-sible or out of control, abusive, or dishonest is going to change. All we have to do is love them correctly or more or enough. We think that if we just let them know about their mistakes or cry the blues, or get angry, they will change.
In short, we have hope. But it is a hope that disap-points. In this scenar-io we use hope to de-fend our-selves against facing the truth about someone we love. We don't want to go through the sadness of realizing that they probably aren't going to change. We don't want to accept the reality about who they are. So, we hope, not wanting to face reality.
Usually this kind of hope did not start in our cur-rent relationship. We usually have an old pattern of not facing grief and disappointments in many past relation-ships, dating back to childhood. (Emphasis, mine.)
Facing sadness is difficult. It places the respon-sibility of change on us, instead of hoping that un-safe person is going to change. We have to learn to not expect that he will change. We have to make other friends. We need to adapt to a nonfulfillng marriage.
We want the courage to set limits and conse-quences. We will want to make many more tough choices that may change our relationships.
Yes, hope is easier in the beginning. In the end it is more difficult. Not facing reality is to stay stuck and to get more of the same in the future. Defensive hope is one of the biggest reasons that we allow de-struction to continue in life.
We overcome false beliefs that life improves if we wait. Not true. This often happens with fantasies we have about unhealthy people who populate our social circle. An idealistic perspective pre-vents us from seeing life or difficult others clearly, with discernment."Came to believe in a power greater than ourselves that could restore us to sanity." Step Two
1. "If I can learn to evaluate my own actions and behavior and value my own judgment, then the approval of others will be enjoyable, but no longer no longer essential to my serenity. Just for today, I will appreciate myself.
"I will not look to others s for approval; I will provide it for myself. I'll allow myself to recognize that I am doing the best I can. Today my best is good enough."
Courage to Change, p. 9
2. "Focusing on ourselves doesn't mean we let other people walk all over us and pretend not to notice, or that whatever others do is acceptable. Nor does it imply that we should stop caring about our loved ones. Focusing on ourselves simply means that when we acknowledge the situation as it is, we look at our options instead of looking at the options available to other people.
"We consider what is within our power to change instead of expecting others to do the changing. As a result, problems have a better chance of getting solved, and we lead more manageable lives." Courage to Change, p. 359Our life becomes somewhat more manageable ("have a better chance") because we do have some control over how we choose to live our lives. I say "some" because our character defects get in our way, even here, as we attempt to transcend our errant ideals, past history, and pain. This points to the value of having Balcony People.
Posts
All Comments
