Becoming Comfortable with Discomfort........ 9/14/17

        What does it mean to feel elated, frustrated, excited, and disappointed simultaneously?  That we are embracing emo-tional maturity.  With it,   dif-ficulties do not distract us from life's beauty. 

          When living by healthy principles---using recovery---crises do not shock us.  We do not dive into the greasy chute of despair created by our nega-tive thinking, and challenges no longer distract us from the good surrounding us at all times.

         Recovery teaches us the value of connecting with healthy others. When we are internally referented and grounded with God, our nega-tive outlook becomes positive. As we do, our emotional fortitude develops. 

        As we work on our character, we establish our "Must-Haves" and "Can't-Stands."  It provides the oxygen necessary for our relationships to move in a wholesome direction. 

        As we cultivate clarity about our values, our sense of direction and confidence grows. 

         Recovery encourages us to link individual successes with every difficulty we face.  Over time, this practice of resourcing crowds out dread; confidence begins to replace fear. 

         Routinely exercising this practice of resourcing pro-motes strength of character during crises we never dreamed possible.  

         One of the fruits of recovery is stopping negative mental chatter from depriving us of the ongoing beauty life offers.  Being confident in ourselves and knowing freedom from the need to please, we delight in parts of life we once routinely ignored---like the beauty of skyscapes---the formation of clouds.  

         Recovery helps us develop the habit of having a grateful, joyous heart even when the roots of our emotions are shaken by stress or relat-ing to unpleasant people.  We can enjoy life even when rattled and processing problems.

         Ruminating and perseverating over our fears and anx-ieties become a thing of the past when internally referent-ing becomes our default mode.

         Embracing differing emotions means frantic thoughts no longer rent large spaces within the territory of our mind.  Life's difficulties do not rob us of delighting in life's treasures. Recovery principles prevent us from letting others define us or determine our moods.

        With recovery, we become comfortable with discomfort.

      Personal growth allows us to know ease when encounter-ing emotional distress. Our feel-ings function like the dial on an old fash-ioned radio. Living by healthy princi-ples, we tune out the static of negative thinking.

       We use the discipline recovery offers to overcome anxious thoughts and perseverating.

Worry is like a rocking chair.  It gives us something to do but it gets us nowhere.                                  Hope For Today, p. 98

        We dial in on the soothing music of the good surrounding us, even during tough times.  Like:

1.  The good, nurturing, upbeat, gracious, non-judgmental friends who support us.

2.  Beautiful patterns in the clouds.
3.  The scent of a freshly cut lawn.
4.  A simple gift we bought for ourselves that prevents us from having a spirit of poverty.
5.  The love, smiles received from family.
6.  Great, in-depth conversations filled with presence and authenticity.
7.  Turning off the computer or TV and curling up with a good book on        a cold day.
8.  Taking in the magnificence of outstanding music.

         We can choose.  We can tune into the frequency of fear or choose the mental bandwidth that provides solace and equanimity.

        Recovery returns us to the innocence of a two-year-old before becoming aware of life's complex nature.

        With emotional resiliency, we luxuriate in the beauty and peace we can soak in--right now--despite our circumstances.  Past and pre-sent scars no longer distract us from enjoying the best that each day offers.

       With personal growth, flowers along country roads can be taken in because mental chatter no longer distracts us.  Once produced by the ugliness of life, mental dialog becomes replaced with a new and better quality: gratitude.  We. Slow. Down.  

      We enjoy the now, the present, relishing life's beauty.

      Savoring recovery, we become free from the mental stream of worry.  Walking in the city becomes a soul-satisfying exercise.

      Wild-flowers sprouting from sidewalk cracks, once easily over-looked, can be appreciated.  Recovery frees us from the dis-traction that despair and fear create.

    Recovery helps us overcome distorted thinking that origin-ated in childhood.  When this happens, obsession no longer rules us.  Instead, we develop a greater appreciation for na-ture.  We replace unsatisfactory cop-ing patterns with new and better alternatives.

       We taste joy and strength we did not know existed when we do this.

      Living with the strength, confidence, and optimism personal growth offers, we no longer become distracted from life's beauty because of the grip of fear and apprehension.  Our perspective becomes balanced; we take in the excellent and satisfying parts of life along with its thorny issues, including emotional vampires. 

       Recovery slaps away the hands of anxiety.  With it, fear loses its grip on our soul.  Personal growth involves placing healthy principles above the vulnerable parts of our personality.

      When that happens, dread disappears. It is replaced with emotional vigor and love for life.  Recovery gives us new eyes and an open but discerning heart.
       Simple things once ignored get no-ticed.  New colors to life surface we never thought possible.  Life vibrates as never before when we have recovery.

       With presence, we drink in the riches life offers the laughter of a baby, the cooing of an infant pas-sing by in a stroller, a wildflower springing from a city sidewalk. 

       Smiles of others are appreciated because we no longer go through life mechanically, without feelings.  No longer do we go through life trying to please others we do not know, spending time and money we do not have in ways that do not nurture us.

       Life and joy intoxicate us when we live with recovery.  Mini spontaneous celebrations become a natural part of our daily routine.  Simple pleasures abound when we enjoy presence, free from worries and the need to control.  Spiritual regeneration takes place.
     

       Simple pleasures be-come ignored when we let the demands of life push these treasures from our consciousness.  The joy of life often disappears when we become captive to painful memories.

        Relationships can devel-op, rich, and textured.  When that happens, authentic con-nections heal emotional scars.  These deeper friendships occur when we become codependency-free.  

        Liberation from this disease creates authentic connections because we are present, not trapped by distorted thinking or the need to please others.

         We become healed when we weave recovery into the fabric of our lives.   Using discernment, we re-move the frayed threads of unsafe people who have attached to us.  Toxic relationships develop our distorted thinking, includ-ing negative self-judgments. 

        Healthy relationships help us unload false beliefs. They rid us of twisted think-ing that our defensiveness and fear load into the truck of our minds when we are inse-cure.

        When codependent thinking is replaced with boundaries, fears diminish when we spend time with others.  Banished is the need for approval, and we have confidence in our best efforts whether others agree or not. 

         We give ourselves credit, even if we don't receive vali-dation from others.

         Recovery builds our self-esteem and eliminates unnecessary self-judgment.  Accepting unacceptable behavior no longer becomes our default mode.  Freed from the baggage of trying to please others, our mind enjoys greater peace.

         We are happier.

         Recovery frees us from reacting.   Obsessive fear becomes replaced with calmness.  We surf the uncertainty entailed in any relation-ship.

        We become more comforta-ble with discomfort.

        We now respond, and there is less reaction when life's drama ap-pears.  Our friendships are enriching.

         Our healthy friends offer grace and truth.  These connections become a soothing balm from life's scratches.

         Compassion and the absence of judgment in our friendships make our supportive network a safe haven.  Discernment keeps us from engaging in black hole friendships that suck our energy.

        Applying boundaries are the key to creating a safe com-munity of friends.  Recovery helps us navigate away from the treacherous waters of unhealthy relationships.

        Living with healthy princi-ples, the result of recovery, we remain present when challenged in a relationship.  We don't let "what ifs," fears, and assump-tions distract us.  Equanimity, peace of mind are enjoyed.

        Because, again, we do not let others define us.

"When the applause of others is the reason for our behavior and necessary for us to feel satis-fied, then we have given them power over us." 

                                  Courage to Change, p. 9

        We do not let mental chatter rob us from getting the most out of life.

       We know the complexities of life require more than black and white thinking.  We learn to pick out the burs of goodness embed-ded even in the ugliest blankets Life may toss our way. With emo-tional maturity, uncertainty and discomfort are wel-comed friends.  With it, we have enduring peace of mind. 

         With recovery, we are not triggered by awkward, anxious moments.  We become comfortable, not stres-sed when an outcome is unknown. We look forward to riding the clouds of life, exploring our personal stars, and climbing the moun-tains set before us as we move beyond insecurity and our controlling ways.

         Most of all, we enjoy being present.

        Recovery involves em-bracing what we encounter. We discover our role within life's circumstances.  The world does not revolve around us.

         We surf the waves life tosses our way.  We adapt to life's situa-tions.  We listen carefully to God and decipher what he is saying to us through the orchestration of events.

         It's that simple.

         As a result of personal growth, we see that certainty can be sameness and death.  Being stagnant creates an end to our character development, and it happens when we remain the same, not pushing ourselves to evolve for the better.

        We stagnate when we do not replace unfulfilling and ineffective habits with new and better behavior.  A safe person, however, con-stantly grows.
         

       With recovery, we learn to be less sure, more ourselves. When we are our au-thentic selves, we enjoy what life offers, including its chal-lenges.

         We have no need for control; our focus is on the com-mon welfare of everyone when fac-ing a problem.  We do not feel the need to protect ourselves against the vagaries of life.  When we reach this stage, we are present.

        And life becomes richer and more satisfying than we ever dreamed.

Speaking Our Truth, Why We Don't............... 7/2/15

         Saying what we want.

         How difficult it can be. Fearing the reactions of oth-ers. It makes us feel like walking on egg-shells.  

        Wanting to please, we have a false belief.   We think our needs are less important than others. We are not honest.

       We agree---outwardly. Yet in-wardly, we protest.  We do not state our opin--ions---what we want or do not want.

      We comply. Inside, we fume. Being authentic is hard.  

     Often, we fear rejection if we are. We dread disapproval. Expressing our feelings and wants doesn't happen.

    We fear ruining the relationship.

    Big question. What type of relationship is it if we can't be honest? Is it worth having? I say no.

        Not express-ing our true selves does not let others know the real us. Nobody's needs are met. How empty is that?

        Our need for connection and closeness is not met. Intimacy---to know and be known is not satisfied. The need for others to under-stand us is neglected. 

       Relating genuinely with others---doesn't take place.

      The ancient Greeks used masks in plays. The classic tragedy and comedy masks we know. They indicated a performer's role.

       Built within were megaphones, ampli-fying the character's voice. This is where the mask got its name. Personna.

       Per---meaning through. And Sona, referring to sound. The personna was the image a character portrayed while "sounding" through a mask.

      This is the source for the word "person." More than 2,700 years later, it re-mains true. Many people continue to speak through a giant mask, not revealing their true selves.

      We say, "I'm fine," when asked how we are. While the fact is we aren't. Our relationships are as tasty as shredded wheat.

     That is an insult to shredded wheat. That fiber-filled cereal is tastier than insincere, inauthentic relationships.
     

      Today, I was honest. I was angry with someone. This person had not seen me this way.

       A rare occurrence. However, there was no mask. I said what I wanted. I expressed what I didn't like and what irritated me.

       It.  Felt. Good.

      There's nothing wrong with anger. It's how we express it that's important. We can be intense without being frightful. With strong emphasis, I stated my feelings without judgment.

       This required noticing the judgments and seeing where I blamed others for my feelings.  

       Instead, I took responsibility for my emotions. Our feelings are our property. No one can make us angry, sad, happy, or have any other feeling without us giving them permission to do so. 

       In today's case, I removed the "shoulds" I had towards this person. I felt much better. I connected fully with the deeper needs underlying my negative feelings.
 

     I expressed the needs not being met. When I did, I felt immediate relief. It did not require the other person to change.

       I was now standing in my power and recovery. I was faithful to values I hold dear, acting with integrity. My life became manageable.

      How did I experience release? By expressing my feelings about my needs fully and with intensity. But I was not scary while angry with the person who upset me.

      I took responsibility for my feelings, not blaming her. I did this by expressing the depth of my emotions about my needs not being met. They were said without judging her.

     

      Because I did, the other person heard me. Thank God for recov-ery. I responded, not reacting. My needs to self-express and enjoy peace of mind were met. And for that, I have an Attitude of Gratitude.
Gratitudes: 
1. My life is richer beyond my imagination ever considered. I am thankful for all the blessings I enjoy.
2. I enjoy being present. I am not hampered by fear or anxiety. I love discovering where my relationships will go, not manipulating out-comes.

3. The nature and depth of my friendships. It satisfies my soul, con-necting with others, where loving, considerate honesty is matched with integrity, authenticity, compassion, and emotional safety.
4. I am happy helping people from different corners of the Earth. Yesterday with a client in Austin, Texas, and one in Reno, in addition to those I saw in person in San Leandro. Today, I had a session with someone in Bavaria.
5. I love the confidence that recovery offers. I love being free from codependency and the discretion/prudence recovery gives me. I am bathed with the garlic of recovery----it keeps emotional vampires away, freeing me from toxic relationships.

How About You? 
What are your gratitudes for today?

Rumination and Depression ...... 8/9/14

         Overthinking is easy.  The problem is, doing so often leads to depression.

       “Your mind goes round and round over negative events in the past, problems in the present or bad things you’re worried will happen in the future,” says Nolen-Hoeksema, who pioneered the study of women’s rumination and depression and is considered the go-to expert in the field.

        And this inability to release bad thoughts and memories can get you down.

        “You rehash events and analyze them, but don’t do anything to

A Special Day and My Inventory: A Partial, Semi-impartial View 5/13/14

I am the only person on earth who can make my well-
being my number one priority. Doing so let's me drink
and appreciate the little things in life. 

       Today is special. It marks the thirty-eighth month when this inn opened.  Much has happened since.

    Thanks, for cooling