Not Taking the Short Stick of Life. I Deserve Better..... 8/13-14

 Change the changeable, accept the unchangeable, and remove yourself from the unacceptable.                               Denis Waitley

      I give up.  A circumstance worse than being the twentieth person in line at a checkout stand in a supermarket---with each person before me having fifty items---has no appeal.  Reading the National Enquire of disappointment while waiting for life to improve,  no longer interests me.   I do not like feeling so low I could go outside and play handball against the curb.  I have reached the frazzled end of the rope of my patience.

     Recently, I was knocked back, by the bullets of reality. Facing the firing squad of truth terminated several hopes and dreams.  Now, I am moving forward, unencumbered by the anchor of codependency.  Tolerating unneeded frustration is a no no.  Codependency is surrendering our values and opinions because of fear towards

Looking at Life Thoroughly, Using the Three A's: The Healing Power of Acceptance ...................10/5/12

You can't undo anything you have already done. But you
 can face up to it.   You can tell the truth.  You can seek for-
giveness.  And let God do the rest.         Unknown

      We celebrate the sanity enjoy-ed when we see life realistically.
      Awareness.  It's a good start, but in-complete.  It's eighty-eight percent of the answer when dealing with prob-lems. There's no remedy without first noticing the problem.

      The ancient Greeks said, "If we aim at nothing, that is ex-actly what we get."  Being intentional about the areas where we want to grow is essential, to get the life we deserve and want. 

       Awareness helps us overcome life's challenges and disappoint-ments.  With it, we enjoy progress.  Our learning curve spikes.

       And life improves.

       Negative circum-stances lingering, for months----perhaps years---are overcome quickly, when using awareness, when our problems have our full attention.

       Awareness is taking ownership of our feelings, attitudes, and behavior.   We take responsibility for our pain, life's difficulties or emotional disappointments.  With honesty towards ourselves, we see our part regarding our plight.

      Vigilance, or awareness about the areas where we want to grow is necessary for a productive, fulfilling life.
   

       Recovery teaches us that no one can make us happy, sad, angry or have any other feel-ing without us giving them permission to do so.  Our feelings are our property, we take ownership of them.  This truth is essential for personal growth.

      Ownership of our emotions is taking our life back.  We move beyond moping over our history.  We deal with the experience of our past.

       We consider what steps we can take to remedy our past pain.  Recov-ery allows us to be present.

     Those who negatively affect us may not be able to change.  They may lack the perspective to see their troubling values or behav
-ior----areas hindering our relationship with them.  Nor may they have the tools to improve their lives.

     That's okay.

     Dealing with the experience of our past pain moves us from relying on those who have hurt us. They no longer need to change or apologize for us to be happy.  Our happiness is no longer conditional, dependent upon a turn around in the victimizer's behavior.
 

      We find ways of moving on.  We are no longer anchored by bitterness harbor-ed towards those who have harmed us.  We show gentleness to-wards ourselves.

      Kindness towards our fears is applied.  We meet the needs beneath them.  We go for a walk, talk with a friend, or curl up with a book we love.

     We associate with emotionally healthy individuals, we apply bound-aries towards those who see us. We nurture ourselves with more rest, better meals, by studying material that empowers and imspires.

    This is staying in the solution. Instead of cursing the darkness, we light a candle.

    We move beyond grief, painful scars and anger.  We replace the inadequate response of bitterness with better behavior, thinking, and forgiveness.  We learn that "Forgiveness is not forgetting, it is letting go of the hurt." When we do, our lives move forward unencoumbered by the weight of ancient emotions.

  "Acting like a victim is a choice, not a destiny."            Hope for Today, p. 189

"Freedom comes from taking responsibility; bondage comes from giving it away."                        Henry Cloud, Changes that Heal, p. 218

           Happiness and personal fulfillment is ours when we take own-ership for our feelings.  We become emotionally mature when we surrender playing the "Poor Me Victim" role.  Our life vastly improves as we replace inadequate behavior and dysfunctional thinking with new and better alternatives.  (One Day At A Time, p. 280)

Rooting Out the Problem
The Vital Need for Acceptance

      It's vital moving beyond awareness.  Awareness is inspecting our issues from a cognitive perspective.  Acceptance is next.  

       It is taking the perspective awareness provides and dealing with our issues from the emotional perspective, from the heart level.  This step is often overlooked.  We usually focus on solving the problem.  This is trimming the shrub of diffi-culties, not rooting them out.

       Using only our head, our challenges are guaranteed to return.

       Acceptance is being in touch with the issue at the visceral level.  It involves five steps.  It is:
1.  Seeing the vexing area.
2.  Feeling our re-sponse to it.
3.  Taking our feelings a step further. We grieve the loss involved.
4.  Letting the negative sentiments go---often through forgiveness.  Forgiveness is not forgetting, it is letting go of the hurt.
5.  Seeing what steps we need to take, looking at options that allow us to move beyond our pain.

       This involves connecting with others, getting their support.  It requires determining the fears beneath troubling issues.  Next, is seeing the needs beneath what agitates us and seeing how we can show kindness towards these needs.

       Acceptance is pausing while in the midst of a situational or emotional hurricane.

       Pausing gives us the space needed to choose better responses.  It calms our emotional self.  When we are aware of what is happening in the moment we have vertical integration, our mind comes into play.

      It comforts our agitated feelings.

      With vertical integration our mind goes online.  No longer frantic, we have greater emotional balance.  We also have a better sense of well-being, along with greater executive functioning.

      Acceptance helps remove ten percent of the problem.  Acceptance is not  resignation, "Oh, this is my lot in life.  I have to tolerate it."  It is taking action, not yielding to what's unacceptable.

      It is staying in the solution.

      Here's another critical point: many go straight from aware-ness to action. "I see the problem, and now, this is what I need to do....."  and we design an action plan.  Bad idea.

      When responding this way we are only involving our mind. The heart level plays a part, too.  Acceptance is rooting out the problem.

      When was the last time we made time, determining why we isolate, or inventoried a perturbing area?  Examining  the source for festering issues is critical for mental, emotional and physical health.

      Connecting at the gut level is crucial. If we want healing from pain.  Negative feelings are remedied when they are tended to, not ignored. 

      It is wise looking for the emotional payoff for our unhealthy behavior and limiting beliefs.

     When was the last time we did an inventory of our thinking, checking for false beliefs? When have we noted lingering childhood feelings that keep us caged with depression and powerlessness?  We want to challenge current behavior formed as a child, young adult.

     It's characterologically healing, to ask ourselves if our habitual feelings or thoughts are really true. It's important noting that as children, we may not have had the emotional and psychological wherewithal to process our pain.  As adults, it is more likely we do.

     For this to happen, we need psychological or emotional distance.  It helps us clearly see areas needing growth.  We get this from emotionally healthy friends who accept us.

    When we fail, they are compassionate.  They don't judge us our weaknesses. Instead, they help us discover behavior and thoughts that serve our need to thrive and celebrate life.

       We thrive when surrounded by friends who loves us. Yes, they challenge us, asking hard questions about our feelings, attitudes, and behavior. But they still love us. This is necessary to replace problemed areas in our lives with new and better behavior.

The Shoe Leather of Personal Growth

        Awareness of what triggers us is helpful.  Handling the emotions that surface---meeting the needs beneath them is even more critical.  Next, is applying the shoe leather of practical action.  An action plan is a bridge that takes us from our need to the steps necessary for us to have the life and peace of mind we want.

       Donning the shoes of practical principles and actions help us when we are out in the street of life. They assist us in handling life's demands.  We want to apply healthy alternatives.  We want to move away from unhelpful default modes.  We want to replace unsuccessful former ap-proaches with new and better behavior.

        Practical principles permit us to tread upon the gravelly aspects of life without being harmed.

       Action is the remaining two percent needed for handling painful areas. There you have it, the Three A's.  Awareness deals with the head, acceptance with the heart and action with the feet (what we do).  Applying healthier alternatives---staying in the solution---helps us move beyond what were once monuments of our past pain.

       We will enjoy better relationships, sanity, serenity, emotional health, and ease.

******  

     Recently, life offers more drama than I care for.

     I not sleeping much. No fun.  Am I complaining? I hope not. Inventorying the past few weeks, that's all. Awareness precedes improvements.

Being Kind Towards Myself

"We achieve inner health only through forgiveness - the forgiveness not only of others but also of ourselves."                         - Joshua Loth Liebman

     I lost a notebook containing important records.  Telephone numbers listed within are not recorded on my phone.  It included a lot of my writings.  I'm frustrated and annoyed with myself.

     Occasions like these allow the practice of patience.  It reminds me to be gentle towards myself.  This means forgiving me.

     I'm human. My recent behavior is like many, when stressed in different areas.  Life has been unmanageable.

     I'm thankful for several supporting me today.  Their insight and wisdom provide clarity I don't have right now.  I feel scattered.  Their humor lifts my spirit when, without recovery, I would be in the dark tunnel of despair.

     I provide myself with greater clarity by spending time with friends today.

     I don't take life's gifts for granted. This includes friends.  Life is tense without them.  Some of you, guests to this inn, are included in this group.

      I value prayer. Without it, I'd be lost.  I've discovered over the years that I'm as strong spiritually as I am in my prayer.

How About You? 
Which of the three A's are you using to deal with a rocky area in your life?

One Second of Response Time for Every Year Invested in Personal Growth ..............................4/14/12

A smile of encouragement at the right moment may act like sunlight
 on a closed flower. It may be the turning point for a struggling life.
Image: "Wetlands: Day Is Done" by Tim Blessed. (Caption by the photographer.)
All rights reserved, copyrighted photograph. Used by permission. 

       In Friday's post, "Emotional Aikido, A Great Way to Handle Stressful Moments With Others" Keith commented:

  "I find the concept of Verbal Aikido quite fascinating-thanks for introducing me. Also, I completely agree with the concept of detaching yourself emotionally while in adversarial scenarios-a sort of "emotional compartmentalization.: so-to-speak.”

      I'm giving this important subject---that can greatly contribute to our happiness---the attention it deserves. So,

Parading the Elephant: Expressing What Bothers Us........ 5/7/11

What did the grape say when the elephant
 stepped on it?  (Answer below)

          It has been an emo-tionally miserable week.

         It was filled with frustration.  I didn't think it would be, but such has been the case.  There has been lots of exhaling, let-ting out stress, along with my breath.  Encountering tension is not fun.

         The following link is helpful if you want to know if, like me, you're relating with an emotional bully.  Click here.

     I have been an elephant walker, and driver, this week.  The elephant in the living room of a troubled relationship has been paraded by yours truly.  I took the elephant with me everywhere.  It was a tight fit in the car, but my floppy-eared visitor and I visited a dear friend or two.

     Thankfully, these companions helped in giving it a bath----remov-ing some of the crud off of this unwieldy pachyderm, by offering perspective.

      As a result, I see this Jumbo-sized situation for what it is.  It is an opportunity for exercising principles.  Along with living by them.  It is important doing so firmly----but graciously----regardless of the resis-tance encountered.  This is especially true when I'm with the emotional bully that is making life miserable.

       Naming the elephant, discussing my concerns, with my buddies hasn't made circumstances better.   But I feel better.   This critter is not nudging my serenity as much as it was. I find the following helpful dur- ing troubling times:

     Life doesn't always go smoothly or peacefully, even though I wish it would.  In the past when something bother-ed me, I’d say nothing rather than face an argument.  It seemed better to be upset than risk upsetting someone else. The results were usually disastrous.  I would become irritable and unreasonable. I'd let resentment fester. 

    Today, I suspect adversity has value I hadn't recognized.  When I face adversity and deal with my problems or express my feelings, things have a chance to improve. [If I don’t mention my concerns there is no chance of it improving.] 

    Even if they don’t, I release the pressure I  feel.  I’m new at this. I don’t do it very gracefully yet.  Sometimes it’s scary a my words are not exactly welcomed. Nevertheless, I feel better when I finally begin living life on life’s terms. 

    Looking back, I see how much I’ve grown.  I wouldn’t have chosen the crises in my life.  But since [applying heal-thy principles], I’ve learned every problem can help me change for the better.  It can deepen my faith, adding to my self-esteem.

    The Chinese word for crisis is written with two charact-ers. The first stands for danger, the second for opportunity.  I'll look for the good hidden within everything I encounter.

‘There is no such thing as a problem without a gift             for you in its hands.’      Courage to Change, p. 139

'll be happy when my elephant becomes this size
Don't laugh, I've seen it happen with other elephants

 in my life!

How About You? 

How are you at expressing what troubles you?  

  Wishing each of you a terrific day, and look forward to your response.

The answer to the question above: the grape did not say anything---it gave a little wine. 

Responding, Not Reacting, Part I, Calmness in the Eye of an Emotional Storm ...................3/16/11

    The picture to the right  reminds us of the value of sheltering when facing life's storms.

    Recovery allows us do that when relating with angry, abusive people or any negative behavior.  This hap-pened yesterday to me.

       A critical part of personal growth can be participating with  Al-Anon Family Groups.  This resource provides emo-tional and mental support.  For more information, see the footnotes. 

       Surrendering boundaries hap-pens if  not care-ful. 

       To be intimi-dated, a natural reaction when rela-ting to an angry or manipulative indi-vidual.  Below re-veals my response when facing an agi-tated person yesterday.  

       I no longer please unpleasant people. 

       I don't bear the burden of another's misbehavior.  Nor do I submit to overbearing conditions.  For more about tak-ing care of ourselves, read this. 

       Yesterday, a humdinger of a day.  Lots of opportun-ities to become alarmed.  Relating with a volatile person does that. 

      With recovery, we notice our needs when relating with others.  For most of us, we did not respond this way as a kid.  Recovery helps us thrive and be emotionally strong during difficult cir-cumstances.

      Instead, we were taught the needs of others were more important than ours.  Not true.  As adults, we re-cognize this is a false belief.  

     Aware of the importance of noticing our behav-ior, thoughts, and feelings improves the quality of our lives.  When aware of our needs we can nurture them.  Having a healthy condition of our spirit and soul requires concentrated attention, being present.

"When we are aware of what is hap-    pening in the moment, we are no          longer lost in it."      Tarah Brach

      Our inner self lets us know if we neglect our needs.

      Happiness emerges when in touch with our emotions and wants and we require reciprocity, fairness, and balance when relating.  Considering the needs of others is essential for harmony. But we also take care of our needs, too.

        

                  Depression is our neglected psyche issuing a silent scream.  This negative, draining emotion informs us that we are not taking care of ourselves.  We are being a bad kitty.  Emotionally, our needs are not being met.

  

    While not depressed yes-terday, I yearned for tranquility. I lacked it.   I related with an out-of-control person.  

    Applying heal-thy principles permitted me to know emotional safety and calmness, even during the intense drama.  I'm listing them in today's gratitudes. 

 1.  I'm thankful it's best staying present when in a crisis.  It's better to respond.  This is way better than reacting. 

      When I react during an emotional storm, it's my loss.  I end up giving away big chunks of my values.  Trying to soothe the situation by giving in, is a bust.  Manipulators, angry or abusive others taste our vulnerability when we do this.  Bad idea.   

          This 's not my response now.  For more about dealing with Emotional Bullies, you might want to read this.  This link provides an excellent article: Words Do Hurt--Stop Bullying From Affecting Your Health. 
       

           Bullies are more than thugs who harass kids on school playgrounds.  They are not just those who oc-cupy the seamier parts of town.  They can be our adult siblings, spouse, boss, among others.  Yikes!

2.  As I get stronger, I am not rattled when "bad" things happen.  I don't let others determine my moods. 

3.  I'm grateful that---with practice---while enduring an-other person's emotional maelstrom, I can emotionally step aside, using emotional aikido. 

     I can pause, deciding my response.  This is what police, firefighters do.  Also true for those who work in psychiatric hospitals.  
     This is the best approach when facing a crisis.  Considering our options, asking, "What can I do to take care of the situation?"

4.  I'm thrilled that moments that years ago would have dis-turbed me can now be seen with humor.  I'm thankful for a viewpoint that sees through the prism of healthy principles.  This lens allows my joy to remain, even while enduring significant pressures. 

5.  I'm thankful for skills that allow me to thrive during moments that at one time overwhelmed me. 

     Yesterday, I detached, while remaining courteous, yet firm, towards a person who yelled at three different people, including the mailman (poor guy).  She had just smashed a flower pot, dirt, flowers and all, on the floor, smashing it to pieces, in her living room.

      If only she could have been a little more emotional. (I'm kidding.)

6.  I'm happy that, when witnessing this emotional melt-down, I was calm. 
     The muscles in my face were relaxed.  I spoke in a measured manner.  My heart rate, wasn't too elevated.  
      Of course adrenaline kicked in----I'm human.  During the drama, my options, I considered.  One of them was getting out of there, away from that person.

     It is good knowing I am not a helpless victim.  I have choices.  Doing what provided serenity, during an intense, un-pleasant mo-ment, was my priority.  

     After the episode settled down, I left.  Time elsewhere, enjoying hours free from emotional drama, doing something that nurtured me, was the tonic chosen.

Freedom
Not Letting Others Affect My Serenity or Joy 

         I'm fortunate that I don't allow others to determine my moods or define who I am.  That's being codependent.  For more about that, you might want to look at this. 

         When I need the applause of others to feel good about myself, I give them power over me. Not a good idea. (Cour-age to Change, Virginia Beach,  Al-Anon Family Groups, Inc., 1992, 9, Print) 

      I'm thankful that yesterday, when I had an opportunity to do spiritual weight lifting, I did.  For several reps, I calmly lifted the weight of a dramatic situation.  To-wards the emotionally intoxicated person, I was compassionate, yet detached.

        I've learned that pigeons do what pigeons do.  I've learned not to sit under a tree that has pigeons roosting in it.  I don't take a pigeon's behavior personally.  

       Angry people are caught up in their misery.  Many do not know how to express their needs.  Anger is a tragic expression of needs.  

       It either alienates, infuriates, or freezes those encoun-tering it.

     I'm glad every time I respond to abuse or drama, using healthy, compassionate, assertive princi-ples, I get strong-er.  It also gets easier, respond-ing from strength----not fear.  Also, acting this way in the future becomes more likely.

       It feels good, not being manipulated by anger---not caving into guilt, shame, blame, or fear.  When relating with others in a non-violent way, I'm placing principles above my personality.  Please see footnote 1. 
     

    My response yesterday, while in a maelstrom of someone else's emotional re-lapse is a huge change.  Abuse I endured as a child. Please see footnote 2.  My nature, before----and now, if I don't exercise the presence of mind which recovery from codependency offers----was passivity.  I'd either become frozen with fear or withdraw and isolate. Those were two ways of protecting myself. 

The fellow writhing in pain is suffering from
road rash: bits of stone are embedded in the
 flesh of his knee after falling off his bike.

       I once per-mitted abuse to shower upon me.  I felt I deserved it.  Now, I know that thought is an outright lie.  Once, I was a doormat.  Now, and yesterday, I got up off the floor. (Courage to Change, p. 361)

     Seeing myself emotionally maturing is gladdening.  Moving from being emotionally seven-years-old to that of a mature man is heartening.  That's "Progress, not perfec-tion."  And for that, I have an Attitude of Gratitude. 

How About You? 

What helps you to stay "centered" when you are pushed by the emotional storms of others? 

Footnote

1. Al-Anon Family Groups is an international organ-ization for friends and relatives of alcoholics, whether this person is actively drinking or  not. Click here to find a meeting near you. 

     It is in no way related to Alcoholics Anonymous.  This is an entirely separate organization, helping those who have been affected by the effects of alcohol in another. 

    Members learn how to deal with emotional abusers, less than pleasant bosses, intimidators, issues of control, per-fectionism, and other problem behavior characteristics often found where others are chemically dependent or emotionally repressed. Al-Anon Family Group (AFG) mem-bers learn to clean their side of the street, how to take care of themselves. 

    Even if a per-son doesn't relate with an alcoholic, attending may help that person recover from passivity, fear, self-loathing. Members learn healthy bound-aries are key for emotional health.  There are open meetings for those who want to learn more about this organization. 

2. "Looking within is essen-tial. We see the effects of another's drinking or abuse. For although we may have experienced difficulties and trauma in our formative years, it is actually the contin-uing reaction to these things that troubles our lives today. 

      We may have left the alcoholic [or abuser]. Be we may not have escaped the turmoil, guilt,  insecurity, rage, and fear we knew in our youth.  In fact, we may be suffocating in unhappy habits (or emotions), never realizing that another way, a spiritual way, could allow us to draw life-giving breaths of hope, friendship, and love. 

    "Awareness does not settle everything, nor does change happen overnight.  Spiritual growth takes  time. Making the "new" [our recovery from less than perfect circum-stances] a familiar and comfortable part of ourselves takes personal commitment and the support of others...to help us on our way."   From Survival to Recovery, p. 268. 

Handling Stress and an Emotional Bully 3/14/11

In the famous words of the philosopher
 Alfred E. Newman, "What, me worry?

      This evening, I spoke.

       It's an interesting experience.  In school, I performed in plays. It's the same dynamic when giving a talk. The audience continuously interacts with me, in this case, as I shared my thoughts about "getting a life."

       Tonight, several attending stretched their necks as they listened. They had difficulty hearing, an effort made difficult because I'm soft-spoken.