Enjoying Life: Responding, Not Reacting to Life or Emotional Vampires......... ...................3/10/20

   Saturday, someone screamed.  At me.  He used obscenities.

   That's never happened, be-fore, ever.  He judged in the harshest ways possible.

   My response: joy, inspired and happy.  No, craziness has no part in my life.   

Untangled From the Tentacles of Guilt and Codependency 10/31/14

1.  Fear of abandon-ment, covered in the link above.
2.  Defensive hope.  A huge problem, a fantasy-induced way of living.
3.  Fear of confronta-tion.  The result of co-dependency. See number 5.
4.  Developing char-acter discernment.  A critical skill necess-ary for healthy, thriv-ing relationships and peace of mind.
5.  Not being codependent---swallowed up by what others think of us or caught up in rescuing others.  See the attached link for more about this subject. More about this in a moment.
6.  Romanticizing relationships.  It happens all the time, and films and TV portray the immature, unrealistic approach towards connecting emo-tionally with another.
    The character of the object of our love can be overlooked.  It is what we will be living with and affecting us the most.  We want to be deeply aware of this critical part of their identity.
7.  Assuming the victim role.  Passivity.  Not facing the issues in our lives needing work.  For our lives to be dynamic and fulfilling, it is critical to care for ourselves, protecting ourselves from abusers.

      Victims surrender their dignity.
   

     They fear rocking the boat in their re-lationships.  Victims are filled with self-doubt.  Victims live lives from a stuck position, often mak-ing them feel suffoca-ted or filled with inner rage that isn't expressed.  They be-come emotionally immobilized.
 
     Victims are afraid of offending.  Even when this boat of the other person's personality can be a garbage barge, carrying a city's worth of judgments, blame, and shame towards them.

     Passive people do not stop perpetrators from dumping this barge of emotionally damaging filth on them. Relation-ships are authentic when we speak our truth calmly, without fear, and we express our feelings and the needs beneath.
   

      A UCLA study reveals a reduc-tion in the activity in the limbic system when we name what is going on within us. This happens when we are aware of the feelings churning within us. Along with it, there is an increase in our prefron-tal cortex that contributes towards improved emotional balance, well-being, and executive functioning.

     Pausing with mindfulness when in a conflict gives us the space to choose better responses.  Noticing what is happening allows us to not be lost in it.

    Not so, for passive people.  They allow abusers to routinely pour con-demnation and criticism within the ocean of their souls. Letting this toxicity manipulate them.  Victims are not proactive.

    We need to get off the floor. if we feel like a doormat 

      All seven of these issues listed we cov-ered this month. More unhealthy habits need to be rooted out.  When we do, healthy, life-giving relationships will be ours.

      This is authen-ticity. (See here for more about this.)  When we are with a safe per-son, intimacy thrives, and genuine bonding occurs between two people. This leads to relationships that are present---where we experience what is.

     We bond when relationships enjoy emotional safety and recipro-city.   These are friendships full of vitality, and they are the connec-tions that invigorate, energize us.

      We are better people when enjoying healthy relationships.  Unsafe, toxic people are the opposite, and they are emotional black holes that suck life and joy out of us.

      Today's subject is false or imagined guilt, and this negative feeling draws predators who smell our vulnerability through lead.

       People who carry guilt will look for someone to play the guilt inducer role in their life.

[For the hungry soul, every bitter thing is sweet.  That's how sick we are.  We endured abuse.  Now, it's a part of our nor-mality.  In fact, we crave abuse because that's all we've known.]

      The guilt inducer plays the martyr role, acting like his misery is the fault of the person wracked with guilt or shame. 

      The guilty party, in turn, is hooked into taking responsi-bility for the other person's pain, anger or disappointments or their blame. [Which is not the guilty party's responsibility, ever.]  He is easily manipulated.  He never feels free in the relationship. 

      The hook of guilt, however, lies within the person who picks the guilt inducer.  She will feel as if the guilt is "put on her," or so and so "makes me feel guilty." But this thinking is a disavowal of responsibility .  For someone to make us feel guilty, we have to have some part of us that gets hooked into that dynamic and agrees with the accuser and their blame.  

                And that dynamic is usually codependency.   

                    Cloud, Townsend, Safe People, p 105. 

       We want to free ourselves from manipulators.  We want to realize no one can make us happy, sad, angry, experience guilt, or any other feeling without us giving them permission to do so.  The following wraps up the quote above:

 This is why the power to be free [from manipulators] is within us, our power.  We begin to deal with our guilt [and our baggage]. We become free of the hook that guilt inducers use to control us.  Safe People 105

        I have a difficult client.  Each time we meet, she tries pin-ning blame on me and takes no respon-sibility for what happens in her life.

        She believes her problems are due to the behavior of oth-ers.  She is unable to see her contribution to her difficulties.  During sessions, I do not accept her victim mentality.

        According to her, this makes her feel bad.  I don't accept the guilt she tries to ply.  Every time I do not take her accusations, she's star-tled.

        I understand why.  Ninety-six percent of the world is code-pendent.  Such people are susceptible to guilt.  She has never met a person who wasn't moved by her manipulation.

       Until now, I am not motivated or intimidated by the guilt.  Her blaming comments don't move me.

     People loved by a supportive net-work are untang-led from tentacles of codependency.  Wracked with guilt, they aren't.  Nor are they anguished by mistreatment.  The grip of lies and gos-sip cannot grasp a person with a strong supportive network.  Such an individual has a healthy self-image.

     It is derived from the love they get from their Balcony People.

     Resilient people embrace negative realities.  They use such circum-stances to further their personal growth, and they do not have a victim mentality.

         Guilt no longer rules the feelings of those who stand in their power, recovery, and integrity.  The resilient are bathed in love, and they are acquainted with authenticity.  

         Reciprocity and emotional safety mark their relationships.   Con-demnation, within or without, is given perspective.

         When we are resilient, mistakes are not seen as failures.  Lapses of character or fortitude are growth opportunities.  We are gentle to-wards ourselves during times of loss.  

        We forgive ourselves.  We are mindful of the quote by  Goethe pic-tured above.  We realize as much recovery we do, we will never progress beyond being human. 

       We maintain our integrity.  We are true to our values during tough times.  We maintain integrity by being honest---present---with friends.

        People with recovery are loved.  We are filled with grace, and emo-tionally healthy friends do not condemn us when we err.
       

        Acceptance, not ridicule, is the norm when revealing our vulnerabilities.  We are loved by our sup-portive network, and it consists of compas-sionate, gentle friends.

        Be wary of those who are quick to judge.  Especially those who are convinced they know our motives, and they don't.

"Only the spirit of a man knows the thoughts within him."   I Corinthian 2:11.  

        All forms of conclusions, interpretations, and assump-tions are forms of judgment.

        We want to tell those riding the high horse of superiority, espe-cially those feeling this way because of assumptions, to dismount.  Immediately.  If they prefer to canter along in their judgments, it is best not to walk away from them.

        We must run.

         Safe People always care more about the relationship than any issue they have with another.  Unsafe people care more about what troubles them than the relationship. Such people are toxic for our emotional safety and mental health. 

       Safe People confront an issue to restore the relationship and forgive.  Unsafe People correct to condemn.  With Safe People, we find nurturing, support.

       Unsafe People are self-righteous, creating emotional toxicity with all those they relate with.

        With recovery, moments of vulnerability----admitting weaknesses---are easy.  We take to heart the quote pic-tured above from Goethe.  We are aware of what trig-gers us, our vulnerabilities.

        We mention them when they surface.  This openness with others results from an accurate perspective of who we are---the definition of humility, teachability.

       Recovery allows us to be transparent.  Errors are seen as opportun-ities for growth.  Negative generational legacies are replaced.

         Condemnation once known when making a mistake is replaced with self-compassion.  We are tender towards our wounds.  When we err, compassion replaces self-judgment, and this is acceptance with grace.

         We block our own well-being each time we base our self-worth on what we do or what others think of us.   (Courage to Change, 118)

         Living authentically, we reveal our characterological warts to close friends.   Our flaws do not define us, and they do not show there is something wrong with us.

         We are simply human.  We are forthright about who we are, the good and the bad.

        When our vul-nerable, less-than-best parts of our-selves are loved, they can be healed and transformed.  If this Hunchback por-tion of our inner self is condemned, we have a problem, and our progress will be plodding.

        Our wounded parts will retreat.  When this happens, growth does not occur, and the Quasimodo that lives within us remains injured and deformed.

       Healing takes place when the truth is matched with loving grace.  Our inner deformed self transforms into the prince or princess we yearn to be.  I know this to be true.

        I see this take place every day in my work.  It requires effort, not excuses, and it happens when the truth is balanced with grace.
       

       With recovery, we learn we are not loved for what we do or don't do.  This is true even when we think we should have done more, try harder.  It is encouraging, being loved for who we are, warts and all.

       Our outlook changes when we realize who we are is good enough. We are enough, just as we are.   If that isn't so in another person's eyes, that individual is unsafe and emotionally blinded, not us.

       If a person is falsely accused, boundaries and recovery allow him to not swallow the poison of shame proffered by the accuser.  Guilt mon-gers no longer manipulate an internally referented person, and the unsafe accuser needs to process their inaccurate judgments. 

        Their criticism is a statement about their soul's dark and harmful nature.

How About You? 
How do you prevent guilt from eating or manipulating you? 

Not Being Had: Moving Beyond History, Abuse and Disappointment 4/25/13

The sun of recovery is breaking through
 areas that were recently darkened

     So much is happening.  Wow.  My business is growing, I'm enjoying time with family, work is fulfilling---seeing wonderful results with those I serve----and new friends are being added to my private world.  Other than that, there's

Dealing With an Emotional Bully, Part IV .......7/6/12

God's love is like an evergreen tree; it thrives through every season.
Image: "Woodland" by Tim Blessed. Copyrighted photo. Used by permission.
Caption is the photographer's. It fits well with today's post.

         Good morning everyone,

I'm tending to the inn early today. Has you week gone well?  I hope so. If not, please allow me to offer you the calming tea of

Calmness in the Eye of an Emotional Storm: Not Allowing Others to Affect Our Serenity or Self-Image: Dealing with Bullies................ ...................6/19/12

          Good evening everyone,
I wrote what follows this picture a year ago, last March. I'm bumping it up, in case you missed it. It's so easy surrendering our boundaries, becoming intimidated, finding ourselves like deer frozen in the headlights when relating with an angry, intimidating or manipulative individual.
        Below is my response to such an occasion.  I'm thankful that I no longer accept unacceptable behavior, nor please unpleasant people, nor bear the burden of another's

Dealing With An Emotional Bully, Part VI: Turning The Person Over to God's Care, Letting Him Take Care of the Situation .........3/12/13

“Real life isn’t always going to be perfect or go our way, but the recurring 
acknowledgement of what is working in our lives can help us not only
 to survive but surmount our difficulties.” — Sarah Ban Breathnach

    Good evening,
This is my day off from work. Was it needed. I had a good time exercising. Walking for an hour in the morning and this evening, riding my bike for an hour and fifteen minutes (ten miles, I have an odometer), were two fantastic ways of investing in myself. I'm hoping I'll sleep well. I should.
    In between exercising, I rested, studied and spent time with friends.
    It's great seeing God at work in my

Being an Adult---Saying No Gently, Without Fear, Getting Out of the Fog............................................. 10/26/11

“God gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today. Have you
 used one to say “thank you?”  William Arthur Ward Please
do so today by posting a gratitude. It will do you good. 

      I love seeing peo-ple grow in aware-ness. Today, I spoke with several consid-ering their options.  They no longer auto-matically accommo-date the needs of others when others make demands.

       Part of being an adult happens when we disa-gree, agreeably.  Expressing our opinion, voicing what we want, creates a great antidote to depression or resentment. If we fear dif-fering with others, we will find ourselves in a one-down relationship. 

       It's frustrating and dis-empowering to yield our values to others.  Often we don't want to create a stink or we fear harming the connec-tion. If someone doesn't respect our values, what type of relationship do we have?

       Yielding to others, in order to please, has an unpleasant impact upon our emotions (we become angry or depressed),  our mental state (we can fall into self-loathing or nega-tivity), and our physical well-being.(think of getting hives, high blood pressure or strokes).

       All such negative conse-quences result from not exercising boundaries.  We do not know how to say our "no" as gently as our yes.  It helps remembering that "no" forms a complete sentence. We have a right to refuse without explanation.

     If someone displays anger because we say no, they reveal much.  They want us to make decisions based upon their reaction, not our principles.  By giving in, we place their personality above our values.  Our emotional health develops when we place principles first.

      Their angry response violates a basic right of ours as adults, the right to make choices.  There's a word when someone uses anger, blame, shame, fear, or guilt to motivate us: manipulation.  It's emo-tional coercion, a form of violence.  

       Giving in to a bully reveals emotional slavery. 

 "Guilty or reluctant compli-          ance is never operating                from love; it is slavery."  

                Changes That Heal, p. 126. 

     When we yield to the coercion of others, we ransom our freedom.  We are surrendering our integrity.  We are not being true to our values.  

     We believe to keep the relationship we have to give in.  Is that in our best interests?  You know the answer. 

     The angry person wants control over our lives and what we choose.  Not a good deal.  When this happens, we should be energized regarding our stance and opposition. 

   

      Their behavior informs us, at least at that moment, he or she is neither considering our opinion nor feel-ings.  We must insist on having reciprocity, bal-ance, and fairness in all our relationships. 

      This is where we need to get out of the FOG, fear, obliga-tion, or guilt.  When we live in the fog we are not operating from love or independence.  Yielding against our wishes only alienates the relationship, creating frustration and resentment within us. 

      For meaningful relationships, we speak our truth calmly, without fear.  When we do, we will have better connections with others.  Because we are letting them bond with whom we really are. 

My Gratitudes

1.  I met with friends this evening. Wariness happens after going through an emotional hurricane Monday.  I saw someone at tonight's event, resolving an issue. I enjoy reducing clutter in the attic of my mind.

2.  I got reimbursed for expenses for com-munity service I do. I appreciate working with others who have integrity and follow through with their responsibilities---in this case taking care of money owed.
3. My two younger sons are joining me Friday for two seminars I'll attend that day. They are serious about wanting to grow in their effectiveness professionally, financially, and in their interactions with others.

     I'm proud to have sons who want to take a serious look at areas where they can grow. I appreciate seeing them continually mature, characterologically, before my eyes. I'm happy we'll be able to share the day together. What a treat. Really.  

     Okay, you know the routine. I ask visitors to please sign the registry by sharing three gratitudes.  Today, if that is daunting, I'll go easy: I'll ask for one. I appreciate the fellowship and community we share when you do comment here. Thanks!

Related Post:

Being Gentle When Expressing Our View

Freedom from Other People's Judgments. An Overview of Codependency ..... ..................10/14/11

"I have been young, and now I am old; yet
 have  I not seen the righteous forsaken,
nor His seed begging bread."  Ps. 37:25

“When a person doesn’t have gratitude, something is
missing in his or her humanity.A person can almost
be defined by his or her attitude toward gratitude.”
        Elie Wiesel

        How are you?

I'll get to today's subject in just a minute, after today's gratitudes. But first...........
A Provision Perspective that Promotes Peace 

     In this weak economy many are anxious about financial security.  I realize
neither my income nor my job are the source of my provision:

Feeling Good (And Escaping Codependency)

      Did this glass get your attention?  Good.  This post may not go where you think. Today, I am happy.  I helped a needed cause.  The proceeds of Saturday's garage sale supports a resource that helps adult children of alcoholics.  It's a meeting where attendees learn coping skills----how to thrive while living----or having lived----with a manipulative, and perhaps abusive,

Suffering Loss, Detaching With Love, Winning the Grand Prix of Life ............6/9/11 Alexander Part IV

    Hello everyone,

I'll talk about winning the Grand Prix in just a minute, after these comments and my gratitudes.  First, I want to process my feelings.

     This was not a good night.

Expressing Feelings of Loss

A Rare Occurrence for the Innkeeper

       Regarding words, a stickler I can be. I did not greet you with a "good evening" tonight, my usual intro. It's not; Alexander the Grey(t) died tonight.

       For those who don't know, he was a cat I dearly loved.  I have been tending to this Russian Blue with hospice care for six months. For more info, please read this post, this here, or click the blue link in the previous paragraph.

       A pall envelopes me as I write.  I'm at his house.  In the living room, he lies lifeless. I already miss him.
       I loved his quietly persistent and curmudgeon personality.  The latter was a facade.  Despite his serious-looking mug, he was a junkie for

Responding Not Reacting, Part II ( An Opportunity for Growth, Spiritual Weightlifting) ...................5/30/11

Emotionally Charged Conversations

       When disagree-ing with someone, awareness that we have limited knowl-edge, helps.

       We don't know what's right in every situation.  During such times, the acronym THINK helps.  We want to ask, "Are my comments and behavior Thoughtful, Honest, Intelligent, Necessary and Kind?"

Parading the Elephant: Expressing What Bothers Us........ 5/7/11

What did the grape say when the elephant
 stepped on it?  (Answer below)

          It has been an emo-tionally miserable week.

         It was filled with frustration.  I didn't think it would be, but such has been the case.  There has been lots of exhaling, let-ting out stress, along with my breath.  Encountering tension is not fun.

         The following link is helpful if you want to know if, like me, you're relating with an emotional bully.  Click here.

     I have been an elephant walker, and driver, this week.  The elephant in the living room of a troubled relationship has been paraded by yours truly.  I took the elephant with me everywhere.  It was a tight fit in the car, but my floppy-eared visitor and I visited a dear friend or two.

     Thankfully, these companions helped in giving it a bath----remov-ing some of the crud off of this unwieldy pachyderm, by offering perspective.

      As a result, I see this Jumbo-sized situation for what it is.  It is an opportunity for exercising principles.  Along with living by them.  It is important doing so firmly----but graciously----regardless of the resis-tance encountered.  This is especially true when I'm with the emotional bully that is making life miserable.

       Naming the elephant, discussing my concerns, with my buddies hasn't made circumstances better.   But I feel better.   This critter is not nudging my serenity as much as it was. I find the following helpful dur- ing troubling times:

     Life doesn't always go smoothly or peacefully, even though I wish it would.  In the past when something bother-ed me, I’d say nothing rather than face an argument.  It seemed better to be upset than risk upsetting someone else. The results were usually disastrous.  I would become irritable and unreasonable. I'd let resentment fester. 

    Today, I suspect adversity has value I hadn't recognized.  When I face adversity and deal with my problems or express my feelings, things have a chance to improve. [If I don’t mention my concerns there is no chance of it improving.] 

    Even if they don’t, I release the pressure I  feel.  I’m new at this. I don’t do it very gracefully yet.  Sometimes it’s scary a my words are not exactly welcomed. Nevertheless, I feel better when I finally begin living life on life’s terms. 

    Looking back, I see how much I’ve grown.  I wouldn’t have chosen the crises in my life.  But since [applying heal-thy principles], I’ve learned every problem can help me change for the better.  It can deepen my faith, adding to my self-esteem.

    The Chinese word for crisis is written with two charact-ers. The first stands for danger, the second for opportunity.  I'll look for the good hidden within everything I encounter.

‘There is no such thing as a problem without a gift             for you in its hands.’      Courage to Change, p. 139

'll be happy when my elephant becomes this size
Don't laugh, I've seen it happen with other elephants

 in my life!

How About You? 

How are you at expressing what troubles you?  

  Wishing each of you a terrific day, and look forward to your response.

The answer to the question above: the grape did not say anything---it gave a little wine.