Tuesday, April 29

Where Has the Innkeeper Been? 4/29/14

      As you have noticed, I've been absent for nearly a week.  I'm consumed with work, not to mention that I moved.  Again.  I settled into my new digs in two days.  Everything out of boxes and in place.  It's amazing what can happen between

Wednesday, April 23

Charles Part III, The Bowling Outing.............. 4/23/14

      One Saturday, we went to a bowling alley on the El Camino, in Redwood City.  Charles went too.   I'm pretty good with this sport, as I usually won at horseshoes since a kid.  The tossing motion is

Tuesday, April 22

The Story of Charles, Continued 4/22/14

             The story continues that began earlier this month.  This tale will take time.  But it needs telling.  Installments I'll use.


       When I met him, I didn't understand.  He walked around with a hand on the right corner of his head, where the edge of his forehead met his hairline.

       His hand pushed his head against his left shoulder, cocking it to one side.  With his head in this position, and a hand still placed on it,  he walked tentatively around the mental health center where I worked.  He had been a resident there for two years, when I began work there.  It is so many years ago, I will

Monday, April 21

Authenticity, The Stuff of Intimacy...... 4/21/14

    I am one happy guy.  Sunday was great.  Better than great.  Present, I was, free of expectations when spending time early in the morning with a loved one.  Former patterned ways I used to protect myself when younger were discarded.  Relating as I did gave me the strength to

Sunday, April 20

Ruminations On Easter and My Personal Resurrection 4/20/24


    Good evening,

How are you? As always, take what you like and leave the rest.

    What a lovely day today was.  I made time, reflecting upon the significance of Easter.  I spent it with loved ones and am glad for it.  It's amazing how holidays can evolve with time.
My Gratitudes for Today.
1. The message of Easter. Nope, it's not about

Saturday, April 19

Easter Is Not About Easter Bunnies.......... 4/19/14

      Good evening everyone,

 As with everything I write, please take what you like and leave the rest.

     Easter is fast approaching. I know the image of it, for many, is bunnies, pastel colors, and candy.  Originally this holiday---or holy day---was about the event that occurred after

Friday, April 18

Calmness In the Eye of the Storm, Part II, Revisited 4/18/14

     Innkeeper's note:  I'm bushed.  I'm bumping this up.  I wrote this last year.  Some of you were not acquainted with this inn, then. Here it is:                                                     

      The past few months have been inspiring, a time of characterological growth.  Its been a season where I've seen the value of

Wednesday, April 16

Relating, Being Present vs. Using Control................ 4/16/14

Happiness is not something you
 postpone for the future; it is some-
thing  you design for the present.
Jim Rohn 
      The material below helps us have more authentic, enriching relation-ships.

      When relating, we bond with others, going beyond superficiality. Our connections satisfy us at a deep level. Trust, intimacy abound.

       If we control, we create distance and distrust.  We irritate.  The dignity and autonomy of others is disrespec-ted.  We won't be liked.  Who enjoys being manipulated?

I.  Relating: An Overview
  A.  Being open and present to what            is, be it painful or pleasant. 
   B.  It is being present.
          1. It is the best way to connect.  It  leaves a positive impact on                       others.  
          2. It is the stuff of authenticity and intimacy.
"With the past, I have nothing to do; nor with the future.  I live now. "   Ralph Waldo Emerson
II.  Being Controlling
   A.  It is trying to:
        1.    Make something happen.          
        2.    Look confident vs. being authentic.            
          3.  Get others to like us or pay attention.  
          4.  Not look foolish.                               
          5.  Get our own way.                                          
          6.  Avoid confrontation or conflict    
          7.  Makes sure the other person is not uncomfortable             
          8.   Keep things from getting too intense
              a.  We manage the anxiety of being present.                                    B. The Most Significant Feature of Control
          1.  Avoiding feeling squirmish. 
"When one door closes  another door opens, but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us."  Alexander Graham Bell    
III.  Relating: The Particulars
        A.  When we relate, we are curious about the outcome instead               of controlling it.
        B.  More interested in discovering and experiencing what is. This is differs from manipulating circumstances to come out as we want.
        C.  When we lack interpersonal skills and confidence, we are more apt to resort to control patterns.
IV.  Delving Into the World of Control
A.  A control pattern is any automatic patterned way of thinking or behaving that keeps us from feeling what is really going on inside of us.
B.   We think it helps us appear more comfortable. We delude ourselves into thinking we are more in control than we actually feel.
C.   We want to outgrow our need to protect ourselves from reality.
        1.  Reality is good. 
        2.  Living within reality is being present. 
D.  We want to develop the inner strength required to deal with what is really going on in the relationship.
      1.  We use control patterns when we are fearful.
E.   We need to learn to embrace the reality that we cannot control how others feel toward us.
VI.  Typical Examples of Being Controlling
1.  Over-talking.                                       
2.  Explaining/justifying                               
3.  Judgmental self-talk                             
4.  Self-congratulatory self -talk.                      
5.  Fearful self-talk                                   
6.  Impulsively speaking up before you know what you want to say.  
7.  Looking intensely into someone eyes in order to impress.
8.  Not looking into someone’s eyes in order to avoid too much     intensity. 
9.  Waiting to speak until you are sure you will be well received

There is more to this outline, but this is enough for tonight.  I'm exhausted.  I'll work on the formatting another time.  I have more pressing matters to attend to. 

All rights reserved.  © 2014

Resisting The Investment Necessary for Healing and Growth.............. ...................4/16/14

      Good morning.  This post reaches you earlier than normal.  The past week has been different.  I don't quite understand it all, but that is okay.  Reality is not limited to what I compre-hend nor is it necessarily based solely on my perceptions.

      I try making sense of what has been surfacing in my life lately.  To cope when living is a blur, I breathe deeply.  I do the next right step.  I connect with the

Sunday, April 13

Review of the Past Week: Highs and Lows. Let Me Hear From You ........... 4/13/14

       How are you?  This inn opened its doors 37 months ago, on this day.  This place is but a youngster.

        It is 1:44 a.m., Pacific Time, here, in California.  Earlier, I was busy, not posting at my usual time, just before the day changes its name.  For the last one-and-a half hours I supported a friend while she took

Saturday, April 12

Time With Family. Growing,Getting Lessoned, Not Lessened .......... 4/12/14

      I was tired all day, beginning when I awoke today.  My work depletes me, physically and emotionally, if I do not discharge the stress inherent in it.  In addition, I worked this afternoon, which has not happened in a long while.  On top of that I went to bed at 4:00 a.m., Friday, rising at 7:00 a.m.
      Today I reaped what I have sown, in terms of punishing my

Thursday, April 10

Charles, The Beginning of a Story................ 4/10/14

The passageway to happiness and gratitude requires humility,
 having a sense of awe for the simple pleasures of life. 
        I will not complete this story tonight.  It is late and this tale will take time.  But it needs telling.  Installments I'll use.

       When I met him, I didn't understand.  He walked around with a hand on the right corner of his head, where the edge of his forehead met his hairline.

       His hand pushed his head against his left shoulder, cocking it to one side.  With his head in this position, and a hand still placed on it,  he walked tentatively around the mental health center where I worked.  He had been a resident there for two years, when I began work there.  It is so many years ago, I will

Wednesday, April 9

Facing Stress 4/9/14

        I'm slipping in this post before the day changes its name.  I'm beat.   I am sleeping better, though.  I am using something that helps me sleep.  Knocking my head with a rubber mallet is leaving a lump on my head, however.

Gratitudes for Wednesday: 
1.  Many are dropping by this inn.  Thank you.  Please leave a comment.  I'd love hearing from you.  Today, one hundred and fifty-three visited from India, sixty-one from the U.K., with many from Germany, Poland, Russia, the Dominican Republic, Singapore, Turkey and Canada.  Four hundred and fifty-three guests dropped by today, from the U.S.

2.  I'm facing stress regarding a practical matter.  What is good about that?  It makes me

Tuesday, April 8

Relating Is Preferred to Being Controlling....... 4/8/14

In this post I share how I
went through a new passageway
         Recently I was chal-lenged.

        My serenity was.  I watch-ed the trajectory of my emotions as I wrestled over an issue with someone deeply valued.

         I was uncomfortable.  I felt confused, sad.  I told her what troubled me about us.  It is fine having those feelings when re-lating.

         It is critical, being open when connecting with others.  It is best being vulnerable with good friends.  It is also essential, being present to what is Be it painful or pleasant.

        This is the stuff of authenticity.  It is the source of in-timacy.  This is relating.  It is having presence.

        When we are this way friend-ships are satisfy-ing.  We are not contriving.  Life is richer.  We are our true selves.  Truly connecting with another.

        Our love bank is getting filled.  We are happier. We're bond-ing at the heart level.

        Relating is the best way to connect.  It leaves an impact on others.  At times it in-volves wading through discomfort.  Once a conflict is resolved, our bond with that person grows.  We draw closer

        A problem arose with my good friend.  I didn't try making things go my way.  I refrained from controlling the situation.  I didn't act confident.

        That is being false.  It is not relating.  Being controlling pre-vents authenticity.  When we are controlling we are motiva-ted by fear.  That is not me.

         I am fearless.  Although soft-spoken, I am coura-geous.  I do not think I will always prevail over whatever con-fronts me.  Heck no.

         I am fearless because I don't judge myself when there is a problem.  I don't worry about the consequences when rela-ting, especially during difficult times.  Whatever  direction a relationship goes is never a statement about me.

        That reality frees me from fear and anxiety.  It lets me have peace of mind.  It helps me relax when relating.  I am not defined by cir-cumstances or by how I am treated.

        Another reality: I am loved.  Deeply.  I am accepted.  Profoundly so.  By God and many I know.  I thrive.  I know emotional object constancy.  It is my source for internal strength and enduring hope.

        Life can be rough.  It doesn't mean I am being punished.  God is not angry at me.  My worth is set.  I am loved.

       I know a com-passionate God.  (He also loves you.  As much as He does me.) The founda-tion of who I am is unshakable.  It consists of a great relationship with God.  And it in-cludes my Safe People/Balcony Friends (see the second half of this link).

       Am I lucky.  This is the source for my thankfulness. The source of who I am is also bolstered by strong principles. What are they? See this link.

       Feeling foolish is fine.

       Sometimes that is how we feel.  We are authentic when we ad-mit our awkwardness.  Denying it is being controlling.  The same is true if we try to force matters.  Or if we try to control outcomes.

     I am not God, thank God.  I leave the results of my efforts to Him.  I do my best.  I then rest by letting go.
     With authen-ticity we enjoy intimacy.  With-out it, true bond-ing can't happen.

       I allow my anx-ieties in an relation-ship to surface.  I communicate with others what is going on in me. What usu-ally happens?  I draw closer to that person. More than ever before.

      I let that individual know the real me.  Trust develops.  That friend draws closer to me.

      When relating, I am curious about the outcome.  I want to discover it.  This is experiencing what is.  It is better than manipula-ting outcomes in a pre-arranged way, trying to make things go my way.

       Relationships are a form of right-sizing.  When in one, I am reminded the scope of any relationship is bigger than me.  The friend-ship extends beyond my desires and feelings.  It is focusing on what is best for the two of us.  It is meetiing the need of the other person, too.  But not neglect mine, either.
Being controlling is an automatic patterned way of thinking or behav-ing that keeps us from feeling what is going on inside of us.                                          Susan Campbell,  Getting Real
       Trying to control is an attempt at avoiding awkwardness.  We are fleeing relational discomfort.  We want to outgrow protecting ourselves from reality.  Reality is good.  It is all we have.

       Relating is paying attention to what we are feeling.  We don't run from what churns within.  It is being present.  It is surfing the waves of circumstances that pour our way.  When operating this way we are authentic. We are becoming more natural.

       My friend and I weathered the recent conflict.  Afterwards she wrote, "I want to thank you for being honest and understanding re-garding our talk.  I hate conflict and I would do anything to avoid it.  But, thanks to you, I could be open and vulnerable instead of shutting down. "

       We worked through areas of contention.  Our intimacy thrived.  We dealt with issues supportively.  We went beyond superficial re-lating.   Our relationship bonded more deeply.

       Why?  Troubling issues were addressed. The way they were approached enabled us to solve them.

        It has been said success is preparation meeting opportunity.  I'm glad for what I know.  More important is applying this information when the fitting occasion arises.  We learn not to increase our knowledge.  

       We study to change our lives.  When we do, life has a deeper texture when I apply healthy principles I learn.  My joy increases.   I find my needs getting met.  I am also more the me I want to be.  Fearlessly.

       I am experiencing love more deeply.  Smiling happens fre-quently.  Joy is increasing with each day.  The result of being present.  I am transparent with others.

      There are areas in my life still needing healing and growth.  But, I am relating.  I am authentic.  And life is fuller.  My friendships have depth.

      They are more than satisfying.  And I have a tremendous  Attitude of Gratitude.

        May your Wednesday, fill you with joy and gratitude,


Monday, April 7

Emotional Resiliency, The Conclusion......... 4/7/14

     Tonight, this is the fifth and last posting on emotional resilient people.  For links to the previous four postings on this subject, where you will get more detail on each of these qualities, please click here.  A brief review of the previous eleven.

1.  Resilient people know their boundaries and are clear about who they are.  They do not live in vagueness. They know their must haves and can't stands, what they will and will not tolerate.
2.  They see the Big Picture. They are not externally referented, they don't let others trigger them or determine their worth.
3.  They cultivate self-awareness.  They realize they are not what

Sunday, April 6

Reviewing the Past Seven Days: High and Low Points............... 4/6/14

      Good evening.  This will be brief.  I'm tired, but a good tired. This morning I took a three hour Sunday drive.

      The places journeyed were encouraging---if that is possible.  There was laughter and thoughtfulness as I travelled with a companion.  Intensity and brilliance accompanied us, as we enjoyed the countryside of a

Saturday, April 5

Emotional Resiliency, Part IV..................... 4/5/12

     Hi there. Did you enjoy your Saturday?  I rested.  I also drove. This past week is the first week I started doing that, routinely in two years and one month.

      Time has sped by since the last post on emotional resiliency.  Links for previous posts on this subject will be listed at the end of tonight's.  I am continuing where I left off.

Emotionally Resilient People.....
10.  Do not live in isolation.

       They know how to reach out for

Thursday, April 3

Letting Go and Letting God, Overcoming the Bus of Busyness 4/3/13

      Hello.  Once again, I'm using clothespins to keep my eyes open as I write this post. I'm that tired. Thank you, for dropping by and giving me a visit.

     Today was an intense day at work.  From 8:30 a.m. until to 9:30, this evening, I worked.  In-between appointments, I wrote new material that I will use with clients and used tonight, while helping someone as a relationship and dating coach.

     What I created deals with the difference between being controlling and relating.  Relating is being

The Incubating Innkeeper.......... 4/3/14

   Late to bed and early to rise makes me a tired innkeeper at this hour.  But I'm still happy.  I went the day without my phone.  And it was fine.  Life was good, better than normal.

    I have been incubating.  My soul is processing what has transpired the past few weeks.  Plenty.  Overall, I see I'm still growing, characterologically.

    At times it is disorienting,

Tuesday, April 1

Enjoying the Wealth Available When We Are Present................. 4/1/14

"A single day is enough to make us a little larger." Paul Klee

    How was your day?  Work went well.  But I am in a fog.  A good one.  I continue to wade through what I encountered Sunday.  The main thing is that I am

Guest Blogger, From the Guest List of this Inn! .......... 3/31/14

A great way to exercise somatic therapy.  See # 1 below
       Innkeeper's Note:    Here is a comment from someone who recently became a guest of this inn: Tony, aka Superman.  He was unable to get what he penned in the

Quotes from the Posts

"I'm mindful that our thoughts affect the words we use, our words influence our actions, our actions shape our character and our character determines our destiny."

From "My Character Determines My Destiny." To read it, please click here.

"Progress not perfection, is better than no progress at all, especially when we're trying to rid ourselves from unwelcome dragons that dwell within the closets of our soul."

From, "Still Learning" which, within four days, became the most popular post
written. To read it, please click here.

"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its trouble, but it does empty today of its strength"
From the post: "Life Is Not a Correspondence Program." Click here to read it.

"Even though we cannot control our circumstances, we can control how we choose to respond to them."

From, "Handling Stress and Dealing With an Emotional Bully."Click here to read this post.

"Nope, being busy isn't exciting. Boring is good. Because boring is not boring; boring is being healthy, living a balanced life that has serenity"

From: "Do You Know What It Means If You Are Too Busy?" For more, please click here.