Lessons Learned After Relating with a Negative, Critical Person................... 2/27/21

      A project I finished yester-day. 

     I did tasks I don't care for: it involved facts, figures, and sum-maries. Not my typical work.  Seven hours

Opportunities for Growth When Challeged ............. 2/23/20

     Yes, I've been away far too long.  My apologies.  Life is busier than ever, all for the good.

    I have snuck in here, from time-to-time, editing "Signs of Being Toxic." 

Three Things Needed to Find Safe People.... 9/4/14

Scotland: "Loch Linhe and Loch Eil from Ben Nevis"
By Tim Blessed. Copyrighted photo, used by permission. 

Where Do We Find the Safe Peo-ple We Need To Connect With to Thrive?

       Chance has noth-ing to do with it.

     When having difficulties in a relationship, look for the com-mon denomina-tor.

      Us. Ouch.

      Not taking responsibility for our unkind, unhealthy behavior is a typ-ical defensive response when in a conflict. We blame others for our problems with them. Or we surrender to an emotional bully, fearing standing up to them.

       We don't want to be bothered; we hate tension.

       Good relationships require boundaries. They provide an essential warp and woof when connecting with others. They help us weave critical values into the relationship.  

       Like idiot lights, boundaries, when crossed, signal when relating with irresponsible, emotionally unhealthy, or controlling people. When our standards become violated, like a blaring alarm, borders bring unacceptable behavior that spits in our character's face.

      What prevents us from facing problems with others? Denial.   Frequently we avoid our character issues, those areas needing growth.

       Childhood men-toring can prepare us for life. Childhood provides ripe mo-ments for developing discernment. Many of us in our youth did not learn this skill.

      Growing up in homes that are less than ideal is a common occurrence. Mentoring didn't happen. It gives us hope, knowing that doing what is right---like establishing our bound-aries--can happen now. No expiration dates exist for them. 

"It is never too late to                   start doing what is right." 

      Boundaries perform the role of measuring sticks. Individ-uals whose behavior lines up with our borders provide great friend-ships. We embrace those respecting our values.

      Boundaries reveal who we want to relate to. They also teach us who to avoid. For example, one limitation is connecting with people who develop their character. 

      An unhealthy person does not grow. They do not want to. They see no need for it.  

      Awareness of this boundary---insisting on relating with others who ongoingly grow--- develops mature, healthy relationships and emotional safety.  

      Three ingredients create good relationships. They guard our hearts and contribute towards greater sanity. Let's take a look:

  Guard your heart with all diligence for from it flows the issues of life.         Proverbs 4:23

1. Discernment

      Discernment builds healthier connections with others. 

     We draw people into our social circle for the right reasons. External reasons for relating with someone will not be the focus. A person's worldly suc-cess--material attainments, looks, or the nature of their work does not reveal the measure of a man or woman.

      Character defines the individual. 

      A friendship that includes character and emotional matur-ity creates a great relationship.  Does kindness reveal itself during our differences?  Are they patient when wronged?  

      Does the person have compassion?  These are the characteristics we want when connecting with others.

      Do they listen when we talk?  Or do they talk over us?  Do we see a "we" left standing after each conflict?

     These tendencies reveal a person's character.  A person demonstrating consideration is a safe person we can draw closer to.

     When something goes wrong, does the person care more about the issue than us?  When they talk, do we become an audience of one, overlooked in the conversation?  Such people are unsafe. 

     We will enjoy more peace of mind when we steer clear of such individuals. 

2  Knowing How to Connect

     Discernment isn't everything  Community is critical, too  We need to be loved.  

     Isolating hurts us emotionally and mentally  Connecting with emo-tionally healthy others protects us  Our need for intimacy will be met.

     Contrary to what the media says, intimacy is not sex  Often, that is the farthest thing from it  As presented in the world, tenderness is often trifled.  

     Reciprocity is what we want  Mutuality and emotional safety are essential for good friendships.

     Being intimate is revealing our fears  With a safe person, we can  Those we relate with---who are safe---do not judge when we bare our weaknesses  Instead of ridicule, we receive compassion. 

     We experience grace.

      In good friendships, shame is absent.  Blame is replaced with grace  We share our vulnerabilities boldly.  

      Safe People provide a healthy environment. What is divulged is not used against us.

     "Bob" is a fellow I know  He worked in the health care field as a nurse  A tragedy took place; someone died under his care.  

      He revealed this tragic event to an unsafe friend, "Joe." 

      When Joe did something wrong, Bob tried addressing it  His friend would dredge up that Bob "killed" a patient.  

       Bob killed someone  That was worse than any misdeed Joe did  Joe would tell Bob he could never say anything negative about him.

      Joe manipulates Bob, the mark of an unsafe person. 

3   Overcoming Fear of Abandonment

       From time to time, we find ourselves in unhealthy relationships.  It does happen.  Applying boundaries and detaching is our best option.

       Why/  Fear of being alone causes us to cave in  Sad.  

       Good friends give us emotional object constancy.  This reveals the value of a supportive community  It pro-vides strength.  

       We know we are loved and valued.  

      Support empowers us to confront  Good friends strengthen us. With their help, we can take complex steps  We become empowered to take action that otherwise drains us emotionally.  

      Support empowers us to move away from unhealthy relationships.
 

       On occasion, we may be guilty of not keeping good company  Often, we prefer to stay in an unhealthy relation-ship  We believe it is better than no relationship at all. 

     This reflects low self-esteem  It is self-sabotaging  We can do better.

      We get what we tolerate.

       We train people how to treat us, be it for good or ill  We gain con-fidence when we live within a community of good friends  They are the fruit of exercising better discernment and boundaries.

      Applying them provides greater peace of mind  It is something we need to thrive in today's hectic society.

       We help ourselves when we let go of manipulative, controlling relationships  By exercising discernment, our relationships improve  Taking a stand is applying the courage derived from our supportive network  When we are confident in our values, we remove the decaying fruit of unhealthy acquaintances.

       As we get better, so will our relationships with others.

How About You? 
Please share the qualities of intimacy you enjoy with a dear friend.
      May you have a great and grateful day.                       I know I will!
               Pablo

Trusting My Inner Self, My Intuition.... 8/25/14

       I am glad that I trust my intuition, wisdom God and recovery have given me.  I no longer accept unacceptable behavior or values.  I do not passively rely on the reactions---or passivity----of others to determine whether a circumstance disturbs me.  I trust my own

Eliminating Judgment, Focusing on Growing Our Character ........ ...................5/14/14

"It is hard to practice compassion when we're struggling with our authenticity or when our own worthi-ness is off-balance."                       Brene Brown

Life Is Great
     Met with friends tonight.  We experienced a transition.  One person guided the group for the first time and did well.

       I enjoyed the naturalness of the meeting.  It is easy, getting angry.  Equanimity is the fruit enjoyed when we do the hard work of:
1. Placing principles above the vulnerable and diseased parts of our personality: passivity, depression, anxiety, anger. Codependency is when we surrender our opinions and values because we fear the anger or rejection of another.
2. Accepting the good with the bad. This requires restraining ourselves from living by black and white thinking.  It is easy to be quick at inter-preting events and others.
      There's a problem when we do.  We are being controlling and we are judging. We also are not relating, intimacy is not enjoyed.

      For nearly three years I lived with someone who was hyper-controlling. He told me what I was going to say before I opened my mouth.  At least it seemed that way.

      How sad.

    Tonight,  I was with others who were transparent and, authentic. Everyone was open about where they were growing or struggling. That was encouraging.

     This is what relating is all about.  It gives us hope for the future of mankind.

       Life has a way of shaking out.  Truth prevails when we exercise discernment.  Each week, our emotions gets stronger and healthier. Same is true about our character.

         With recovery, we can get healed from harm experienced as a child or young adult.  Adhering to healthy principles allows us not to surrender what we hold dear.  It is critical having our voice and expressing it. 

 Gratitudes: 
1.  Today, time was spent on research, preparing for upcoming sessions.  Day's like today I love,  I am an eternal student.
2.  This weekend I received lovely photos from a loved one.  I enjoy connecting with others.
       The pictures made my week, month and  the first half of this year.
3.  Visitors from around the world, especially from Ireland, the UK, India, Russia, Moldova, Sweden, Spain and Germany.  Thank you, for dropping by.  Welcome!  I'd love hearing from you.
4.  This weekend, I sang for the first time in years. A cappella. (My guitar has a broken string and I didn't have a piano handy.)  Two songs. Wow. I used to be a professional musician. A person who heard me sing didn't get sick, so that's a good thing.  :->
5.  I had my best night of sleep last night. I feel better when rested.
How About You? 
What are three things that make your heart sing with gratitude?

     I'm exhausted; it's been hot the past few days. I'm calling it a night. I'll see you tomorrow.

Seeing Reality, Going With Life's Flow................ 2/13/14

      Nearly two years ago, I was getting to know someone.
   
       Intelligent was she and gifted.  The time spent was good, most of the time.  Relating with her reminded me of a story in Courage to Change.

       The story spoke of

The Fruit of Character Growth: Greater Serenity and Emotional Safety

Thinking of you who live in colder climes

    Good evening everyone,

Mine was, so was my day.  I had an eventful Sunday. I visited a local church for the first time.  It was good experience.  I

Balcony People and Taking Care of Ourselves......: 9/7/12

Balcony People Prevent Us From Falling

       Receiving amaz-ing, beyond belief, support is hearten-ing.

      Major but scary areas in our lives can confronted when given this assistance.  We can enjoy little, but significant victories.  It is the little foxes that ruin the vineyards of life.

      These foxes can be captured, returned to their natural habitat.  This reduces the terror they can create.

        Loving letters from friends bolster our re-solve.

        Supportive phone calls lift us up.  Empathy lets us know we are not alone during tough times.  When needed, keeping good company helps us make it through the day.  It is a bridge that gets us over difficult moments.

       This loving support makes it possible to move forward.  No man is an island. Confronting challenges is easier when taking them one day at a time.  Sometimes, when situations are especially rough, it is better overcoming them fifteen minutes at a time.

       Taking life's dark moments in small increments help us to stay present.  It is less likely we will be overwhelmed.  We are confounded when we try to take on the entire elephantine nature of a problem.  Approaching it in bite-sized portions is emotionally easier on the psyche.  It is even easier when our Balcony People are at our side, rooting us on.

       Balcony People stick by us. They lift us up, after being sucker punched by the unexpected vicissitudes of life.  This is when we are thankful for the support we get when we have a supportive network.

       We learn from the experience, strength and hope of our good friends.  Their smiles, wisdom and compassion provide the connection needed.  During the stressful seasons of life---when we falter, they, our Balcony People, lift us up.

       They uphold us as we place one unsteady foot in front of the other.  Sharing their experience, strength and hope with us is invaluable. You might want to read here, for more about this critical source of support.

       Wonderful con-versations with a family member or connecting with others committed to our welfare heals emotional bruises.  These sores accu-mulate quickly when we are trying to grow.

       These bruises may pop up when we face an unpleasant task. This may happen when we take gigantic steps in our growth. One source of healing during these stretching times is giving ourselves credit.  When trying to grow, often we are facing our fears.  Or we may be overcom-ing old scars.

       When addressing daunting issues, we are taking care one of the most important persons in our lives.  Ourselves.  During stressful times, we need to take whatever steps are necessary to treat ourselves with care.

       This means Quiet Time.

       When we apply this time, we are taking care of yours truly.  Eating healthy meals.   Exercising.  Sleeping well may be what is needed to take off the edge of demanding days.

Listening to music, being with friends and making time for fun (even if we don't feel like it) are ad-ditional ways of nurturing ourselves.  Such action is critical when facing dis-tasteful, scary, circum-stances.

       Caring for ourselves in this loving way, being gentle towards ourselves, is the antidote to pres-sure.  It is a terrific tonic for tension.

       During stressful times this is when we need to especially focus on our needs. We have to be at our best.  This is possible when we nurture our souls. We become strong-er when we give attention to our physical needs.  We are the only person on earth who can make our welfare our number one priority.

      We accomplish this by connecting with our network of good com-pany.  We will also have greater success during life's crucible moments when we slow down to tend to ourselves.

How About You? 
1. How have you received support this week?
2. Has there been an area in your life where you are experiencing more clarity?

I Don't Rummage In a Garbage Can for Food: The Need for Discernment .....7/27/12

      Good evening,

How was your Friday?  I felt relief, in more ways than one.  I was calmer, more than any other day this week:  One cause was

Getting What We Tolerate (And, Thankful for My Reptilian Mind) ..................4/3/12

 “Grace isn’t a little prayer you chant before receiving a meal.
 It’s a way to live. ”       — Attributed to Jacqueline Winspear

       Good evening one and all,
Did you have a good day?  I did. I'll get to keeping our cool when with an angry person and about using our reptilian mind after these gratitudes.

Character Discernment, Part IV : Freedom from Narcissists:....... 3/3/12

Money will buy a fine dog, but only love will 
makehim wag his tail Image byTim blessed.
"Countryside:Sunlit Canal Path" Copyrighted 
photo. All rights reserved.  

     My grati-tudes are highlighted in purple.

      I'm thank-ful for my in-tuition. While getting to know some-one, the caution flag of discernment prodded my consciousness.

  In younger years, its voice was ignored. During the past two months, I listened to its advice. I did this while getting to know some-one.   

      I have learned the value of cau-tion and pa-tience.  They spare me from getting involved with emotionally unhealthy people.  I'm quicker at respecting this reptilian part of me, the limbic system.  This is the part of us that senses fear and danger. 

       I did not allow my cognitive self overrule common sense.  My more basic, less rational self has a primal wisdom.  Unfortunately, it is often ignored by our rational self.  In the past, not paying attention to it caused distress. 

    This woman I'll call "Barbara" is a kick.  Looking at difficult circumstances with a sense of humor is my preferred response. It is better than being alarmed or disgusted.  Seeing the lighter side to  challenging moments helps me  detach from my foibles.

         Today, Bar-bara was charming, ingratiating. She praised me in front of mutual friends.  

"Faithful are the wounds [or loving correc-tions] of a friend; but the kisses of the enemy are deceitful."    Prov. 27:6

       Her charm was off-putting.  Authenticity is better.  Her smooth words were an attempt to distract me from something I recently discovered.  She betrayed a confidence I had shared with her, to a friend of mine.  He told me. 

       I am wary of honeyed speech.  Barbara spoke this way at a gathering we both at-tended.  The way she spoke extended my antennae of caution.  My skin crawled.   Ex-pressing herself this way was  like fingernails screeching on a chalkboard. Yeech. 

       

    Yet, I was happy hear-ing the screech.  It revealed I was matur-ing.  I was present, not misled.  Discernment helped me focus on her character, not seduced by her wiles. 

       It's terrific saying how I want to be treated.  It means I know my worth as a person.

        It is empowering, taking responsibili-ty for my thoughts,  words, emotions and actions.  Former but-tons no longer trigger me.  I now stay in my power.  I maintain in-tegrity with my values.

       Sometimes I feel I'm critical.  That I am being too cautious when keeping distance with Barbara-like people.  In reality, I'm getting characterologically strong-er. 

      No longer accepting narcissists or unac-ceptable behavior provides the serenity I need to thrive.  My emotional safety is more secure.  I need mutuality and reciprocity when con-necting with others.  My needs and feelings need to be  considered, too.  

      This is what it is to live with recovery.  We become internally referented. 

     I have much to be grateful for.  It is the re-sult of working on my personal growth.  Long standing unhealthy family and generational legacies are being replaced. 

      I now enjoy healthier relationships, ones that don't exploit me.

Maintaining Our Values In Spite of Pressures from Others 6/28/11

     How are you?

I'll talk about the topic of forgiveness at the end of this post.  Thanks for dropping by. Be sure to have a cup of coffee and sit down, before reading this post; it's a bit longer than most.  Please take what you like and leave the rest.
Having Our Voice, Exercising Boundaries

Disagreeing with Others is Part of Being an Adult

         One of my favorite quotes is on the right.  What's appealing about that quote?  Freedom. It's important maintaining integrity with our values, even if it upsets others.