Boundaries. Critical for Mental Health.... 9/11/14

       Boundaries.  They are a sanity saver and joy producer. I do not have boundaries for others to adhere to.  I have them so that I adhere to them.

        Without boundaries, life is

The Innkeeper Is Evolving, His Wings Are Unfurling ...... 6/30/14

       My heart is evolving.  No, that isn't strange. In fact, it is good, but, different.  A part of my inner self is transforming. In touch with my feelings, I am.  I live being present. However, my emotions are balanced with

Letting You Know Me a Bit Better 2/20/14

Image: "England, Cumbria, Buttermere" by Tim
 Blessed. Copyrighted photo. Used by permission

     Yes, I'm up.  I shouldn't be.  An 8:30 appointment, tomorrow morning, awaits.  I'm not retiring for the night, yet.  Let me deviate from the normal focus of this inn, while we spend time together.

      Someone has

Seeing Reality, Going With Life's Flow................ 2/13/14

      Nearly two years ago, I was getting to know someone.
   
       Intelligent was she and gifted.  The time spent was good, most of the time.  Relating with her reminded me of a story in Courage to Change.

       The story spoke of

Boundaries: Needed for Sanity, Ease and Serenity. Also, Where the Innkeeper Has Been .........11/29/12

Image: "Cumbria: Over Rydal Lake,"
by Tim Blessed.Copyrighted photograph.  

     Hello everyone,

Have you missed me?  The innkeeper has been away the past three days.  The dust bunnies behind the books in the inn's library have grown, the dishes in the kitchen have piled up.  The good news is that I'm back.

     Work has kept me busy.  Seeing eight additional clients this week (with three more next week), prepping for sessions and business calls has made my schedule

The Alternative to Surrendering Our Values: Emotional Aikido

    Good evening,

Did you enjoy your Sunday?  I did.  It's easy to let angry people intimidate us.

       Surrendering our values is easy to do during such moments. I appreciate having an opportunity to exercise Emotional and Verbal Aikido today. For more about that please read

Calmness In the Eye of the Emotional Storm, Part VI ..10/10/12

      The past few months have been a inspiring time of personal growth and learning.  More importantly, its been a time where I've seen the value of

Looking at Life Thoroughly, Using the Three A's: The Healing Power of Acceptance ...................10/5/12

You can't undo anything you have already done. But you
 can face up to it.   You can tell the truth.  You can seek for-
giveness.  And let God do the rest.         Unknown

      We celebrate the sanity enjoy-ed when we see life realistically.
      Awareness.  It's a good start, but in-complete.  It's eighty-eight percent of the answer when dealing with prob-lems. There's no remedy without first noticing the problem.

      The ancient Greeks said, "If we aim at nothing, that is ex-actly what we get."  Being intentional about the areas where we want to grow is essential, to get the life we deserve and want. 

       Awareness helps us overcome life's challenges and disappoint-ments.  With it, we enjoy progress.  Our learning curve spikes.

       And life improves.

       Negative circum-stances lingering, for months----perhaps years---are overcome quickly, when using awareness, when our problems have our full attention.

       Awareness is taking ownership of our feelings, attitudes, and behavior.   We take responsibility for our pain, life's difficulties or emotional disappointments.  With honesty towards ourselves, we see our part regarding our plight.

      Vigilance, or awareness about the areas where we want to grow is necessary for a productive, fulfilling life.
   

       Recovery teaches us that no one can make us happy, sad, angry or have any other feel-ing without us giving them permission to do so.  Our feelings are our property, we take ownership of them.  This truth is essential for personal growth.

      Ownership of our emotions is taking our life back.  We move beyond moping over our history.  We deal with the experience of our past.

       We consider what steps we can take to remedy our past pain.  Recov-ery allows us to be present.

     Those who negatively affect us may not be able to change.  They may lack the perspective to see their troubling values or behav
-ior----areas hindering our relationship with them.  Nor may they have the tools to improve their lives.

     That's okay.

     Dealing with the experience of our past pain moves us from relying on those who have hurt us. They no longer need to change or apologize for us to be happy.  Our happiness is no longer conditional, dependent upon a turn around in the victimizer's behavior.
 

      We find ways of moving on.  We are no longer anchored by bitterness harbor-ed towards those who have harmed us.  We show gentleness to-wards ourselves.

      Kindness towards our fears is applied.  We meet the needs beneath them.  We go for a walk, talk with a friend, or curl up with a book we love.

     We associate with emotionally healthy individuals, we apply bound-aries towards those who see us. We nurture ourselves with more rest, better meals, by studying material that empowers and imspires.

    This is staying in the solution. Instead of cursing the darkness, we light a candle.

    We move beyond grief, painful scars and anger.  We replace the inadequate response of bitterness with better behavior, thinking, and forgiveness.  We learn that "Forgiveness is not forgetting, it is letting go of the hurt." When we do, our lives move forward unencoumbered by the weight of ancient emotions.

  "Acting like a victim is a choice, not a destiny."            Hope for Today, p. 189

"Freedom comes from taking responsibility; bondage comes from giving it away."                        Henry Cloud, Changes that Heal, p. 218

           Happiness and personal fulfillment is ours when we take own-ership for our feelings.  We become emotionally mature when we surrender playing the "Poor Me Victim" role.  Our life vastly improves as we replace inadequate behavior and dysfunctional thinking with new and better alternatives.  (One Day At A Time, p. 280)

Rooting Out the Problem
The Vital Need for Acceptance

      It's vital moving beyond awareness.  Awareness is inspecting our issues from a cognitive perspective.  Acceptance is next.  

       It is taking the perspective awareness provides and dealing with our issues from the emotional perspective, from the heart level.  This step is often overlooked.  We usually focus on solving the problem.  This is trimming the shrub of diffi-culties, not rooting them out.

       Using only our head, our challenges are guaranteed to return.

       Acceptance is being in touch with the issue at the visceral level.  It involves five steps.  It is:
1.  Seeing the vexing area.
2.  Feeling our re-sponse to it.
3.  Taking our feelings a step further. We grieve the loss involved.
4.  Letting the negative sentiments go---often through forgiveness.  Forgiveness is not forgetting, it is letting go of the hurt.
5.  Seeing what steps we need to take, looking at options that allow us to move beyond our pain.

       This involves connecting with others, getting their support.  It requires determining the fears beneath troubling issues.  Next, is seeing the needs beneath what agitates us and seeing how we can show kindness towards these needs.

       Acceptance is pausing while in the midst of a situational or emotional hurricane.

       Pausing gives us the space needed to choose better responses.  It calms our emotional self.  When we are aware of what is happening in the moment we have vertical integration, our mind comes into play.

      It comforts our agitated feelings.

      With vertical integration our mind goes online.  No longer frantic, we have greater emotional balance.  We also have a better sense of well-being, along with greater executive functioning.

      Acceptance helps remove ten percent of the problem.  Acceptance is not  resignation, "Oh, this is my lot in life.  I have to tolerate it."  It is taking action, not yielding to what's unacceptable.

      It is staying in the solution.

      Here's another critical point: many go straight from aware-ness to action. "I see the problem, and now, this is what I need to do....."  and we design an action plan.  Bad idea.

      When responding this way we are only involving our mind. The heart level plays a part, too.  Acceptance is rooting out the problem.

      When was the last time we made time, determining why we isolate, or inventoried a perturbing area?  Examining  the source for festering issues is critical for mental, emotional and physical health.

      Connecting at the gut level is crucial. If we want healing from pain.  Negative feelings are remedied when they are tended to, not ignored. 

      It is wise looking for the emotional payoff for our unhealthy behavior and limiting beliefs.

     When was the last time we did an inventory of our thinking, checking for false beliefs? When have we noted lingering childhood feelings that keep us caged with depression and powerlessness?  We want to challenge current behavior formed as a child, young adult.

     It's characterologically healing, to ask ourselves if our habitual feelings or thoughts are really true. It's important noting that as children, we may not have had the emotional and psychological wherewithal to process our pain.  As adults, it is more likely we do.

     For this to happen, we need psychological or emotional distance.  It helps us clearly see areas needing growth.  We get this from emotionally healthy friends who accept us.

    When we fail, they are compassionate.  They don't judge us our weaknesses. Instead, they help us discover behavior and thoughts that serve our need to thrive and celebrate life.

       We thrive when surrounded by friends who loves us. Yes, they challenge us, asking hard questions about our feelings, attitudes, and behavior. But they still love us. This is necessary to replace problemed areas in our lives with new and better behavior.

The Shoe Leather of Personal Growth

        Awareness of what triggers us is helpful.  Handling the emotions that surface---meeting the needs beneath them is even more critical.  Next, is applying the shoe leather of practical action.  An action plan is a bridge that takes us from our need to the steps necessary for us to have the life and peace of mind we want.

       Donning the shoes of practical principles and actions help us when we are out in the street of life. They assist us in handling life's demands.  We want to apply healthy alternatives.  We want to move away from unhelpful default modes.  We want to replace unsuccessful former ap-proaches with new and better behavior.

        Practical principles permit us to tread upon the gravelly aspects of life without being harmed.

       Action is the remaining two percent needed for handling painful areas. There you have it, the Three A's.  Awareness deals with the head, acceptance with the heart and action with the feet (what we do).  Applying healthier alternatives---staying in the solution---helps us move beyond what were once monuments of our past pain.

       We will enjoy better relationships, sanity, serenity, emotional health, and ease.

******  

     Recently, life offers more drama than I care for.

     I not sleeping much. No fun.  Am I complaining? I hope not. Inventorying the past few weeks, that's all. Awareness precedes improvements.

Being Kind Towards Myself

"We achieve inner health only through forgiveness - the forgiveness not only of others but also of ourselves."                         - Joshua Loth Liebman

     I lost a notebook containing important records.  Telephone numbers listed within are not recorded on my phone.  It included a lot of my writings.  I'm frustrated and annoyed with myself.

     Occasions like these allow the practice of patience.  It reminds me to be gentle towards myself.  This means forgiving me.

     I'm human. My recent behavior is like many, when stressed in different areas.  Life has been unmanageable.

     I'm thankful for several supporting me today.  Their insight and wisdom provide clarity I don't have right now.  I feel scattered.  Their humor lifts my spirit when, without recovery, I would be in the dark tunnel of despair.

     I provide myself with greater clarity by spending time with friends today.

     I don't take life's gifts for granted. This includes friends.  Life is tense without them.  Some of you, guests to this inn, are included in this group.

      I value prayer. Without it, I'd be lost.  I've discovered over the years that I'm as strong spiritually as I am in my prayer.

How About You? 
Which of the three A's are you using to deal with a rocky area in your life?

Do You Know What It Means If You Are Too Busy? (Revisited) And, Must Haves and Can't Stands 5/3/12

You may feel that the world is too messed up, that too many wrong choices have been made,
that it doesn't matter much what you do, that it's hopeless. But that's not true. Just as every
problem can be traced to a wrong decision, every solution begins with a wise and loving
decision to do the right thing, the loving and unselfish thing.

A little bit of love can make a lot of difference. One act of kindness or unselfishness can start
a whole chain reaction of events that will, in the long run, make life a lot better for a lot of people
So don't despair because there is so much suffering and grief and wrong in the world. Instead,
do what you can to make things right and encourage others to do the same. The world won't
change in a day, but we can make a difference if we try. (Photographer's lovely caption)

All rights reserved for this and all of his other photos, which are frequently featured in this inn.

**************************************************** 

Innkeeper's Note:

        I wrote this last year. I found it

The Tyranny of the Urgent Did Not Override the Important and, I Was With A Pouty Person Tonight ..5/2/12

Hope is like a road in the country; there was never a road, but
when many people walk on it,the road comes into existence.

       Hello everyone,

I hope Thursday turns out well for

Freedom From the Tyranny of Other People's Feelings, Revisited ............4/20/12

“When a person doesn’t have gratitude, something is missing in his or her humanity.
A person can almost be defined by his or her attitude toward gratitude.” Elie Wiesel

        How are you?
I'm bumping this up. I originally wrote this October 14th of last year. I updated it this morning.  Let me know what you think. This is worth discussion. It addresses a problem most people

Weathering the Storm of Feelings ...............2/6/12

      Good evening everyone, 

The innkeeper has been busy and resting. How's that for a paradox?  I've been missing in action for a few days.  Did you miss me?  Here I am, with you, this is the witching hour when the day changes its name.  I'll share some thoughts in

God Does the Work, All We Do Is Ask ............... 7/20/11

        Areas in our lives improve when we turn them over to God.  Progress is not a matter of working harder. Nor is it a result of thinking positively, despite what the self-help book proclaim.  Sorry, Oprah, Robert Schuller,Tony Robbins and Norman Vincent Peale. Our best efforts and thinking brought us to the state where we find ourselves.

        Life improves when we rely upon God.  We need His transforming power.  We get better when He works in the vulnerable areas of our lives.  He helps us transcend weaknesses.

     There's no humility in self-will.  How often we say, "I'll do this and I'll do that," without taking a moment to consider what God wants

Creating a Better Today ............ 5/31/11

       Beyond pretense.

      A friend of sever-al decades-----a Bal-cony Person in my life, and I lunched together.  This is what we discussed. The freedom enjoy-ed when facing our vulnerabilities.More importantly, we talked about over-coming our weaknesses by replacing them with healthy alternatives. The following are a few suggestions:

      I. If we're angry:
          A.  We can go for a walk
          B.  We can process it by writing about it in our journal.
          C.  Go to a local sports event and scream like the dickens.

     It is a socially acceptable place to yell.  Fans next to you will think you're amazingly fanatical.  I have a dear friend in her 70's who does this. She goes to the Cal Berkeley basketball games.

         D. We can listen to relaxing music, to decompress.
         E. We can release our frustrations out by beating a pillow or throwing rocks in a body of water.
         F.  Anger reveals we're experiencing an unmet need. We can take action to resolve the unmet need by taking one step that allows us to empty out.

      For example, say that we're with someone who is judgmental.   And we're uncomfortable with their put-downs or how they blame us for their problems without taking responsibility. We can excuse ourselves:

"I'm sorry, but I have to go. I have something pressing that I need to do."

       No, not ironing a shirt.  Yes, we do have something to do. It's leaving that environment.  We don't need to be with someone who suffers from the toxicity of a bitter spirit.

Do not associate with a man given to anger; or go with a hot-tempered man, or you will learn his ways and find a snare for yourself.

                        Proverbs 22:24-25

      It's necessary if we want serenity. If we want to reduce the level of drama in our lives.  One source for sanity is being responsive to, but not responsible for the feelings of others.

      II.  If we're isolating, we can:
           A. Call a friend, see how they are doing. If we want to have friend, we need to be one.
           B. We can go to a movie with someone. We are connecting with others.  Not only the friend but the community of others watching the film with us.  It's a step.
           C. We arrange a time to have lunch with someone special.

      III.. If' feeling blue, we can:
           A. Go for a hike in nature. It lifts the spirit for many.
           B. Listen to music we like.
           C. Workout at the gym.  You probably know hard exercise produces endorphins, which are great                 for our moods.
           D. For some, chocolate does the trick, it has serotonin.

       The above are a few examples of healthy alternatives. You probably can add more. You get the idea.

      We may not have control over our circumstances but we do have control over how we choose to respond to them. We have many op-tions, healthy ones that are life affirming.  Difficult times remind me of the following quote:

      The only time we'll not have conflict is when we're dead; learning to process the challen-ges life offers is preferred to the alternative; I find a coffin a little confining.

       When we make healthy choices and take action towards solving our problems we'll find ourselves happier.  Life will be more sane.  We'll enjoy life more. We'll also have an atti-tude of gratitude because we're making the most out of our lives. We are also creating a better today.

How About You?
1. What are some additional alternatives that you find to anger, isolating, depression?
2.  What is one step you'd like to take today, that will move you towards the solution of your particular challenge?

                 Here's to encouraging one another,

Image: Countryside: Spring Sky by Tim Blessed, © all rights reserved, use by permission.

Slowing Down: Taking Care of Self 5/24/11

My gratitudes for Tuesday:

1.  I slowed down by staying home tonight. Some of my commitments I'm easing up on. Focus on other priorities is what I need to do. A client wanted to see me later this week. I scooted it to next week. I need to make sure to take care of myself. Part of my sanity and serenity requires me doing less than I normally do. My worth is not established by what I do; it's based on