Calmness in the Eye of the Storm, Revisited.......... 10/25/14

          Hi.  I am beat, working long, in-tense hours and spending time catching the World Series----baseball.  All four games played I have taken in.   An important appointment tomor-row awaits me.  I need rest.  So, I am not

This Week's Buzzword: Patience. Enjoying a Great Big Life. Also, The Weekly Roundup: Highs and Lows ...................2/8/14

      Patience. This week had its drama, requiring the exercise of this silent and underused virtue.  Monday and Tuesday were demanding, physically and emotionally, I was spent by 6:00 p.m.

      Friday extruded me emotionally to places where I have never been before.  Really, I've been there, but in the past my reactions were

Dealing With an Emotional Bully, Part IV .......7/6/12

God's love is like an evergreen tree; it thrives through every season.
Image: "Woodland" by Tim Blessed. Copyrighted photo. Used by permission.
Caption is the photographer's. It fits well with today's post.

         Good morning everyone,

I'm tending to the inn early today. Has you week gone well?  I hope so. If not, please allow me to offer you the calming tea of

Life With an Emotional Bully...................... 7/5/12

 "Put on the glasses of optimism and you’ll see a world of potential."
Image: "Countryside: Spring Crops" by Tim Blessed. Copyrighted photo.
Used by permission.  Quote by the photographer.

My Gratitudes for Today
1. God provided for me. I'm thankful for His abundance. I find comfort in knowing

Guarding Our Emotional Sobriety, Revisited 5/30/12

         How was your day?  I was tired. Then again, I didn't get to bed until 5:00 this morning.  I'm leaving you with something I wrote almost a year ago, June 4th, last year.

Images: "Swiss Mountain Farm" by Tim Blessed, all rights reserved, used by permission.

Guarding Our Emotional Sobriety
      Recently, someone tried engaging me in an argument. I stopped it, cold. I don't care for

The Tyranny of the Urgent Did Not Override the Important and, I Was With A Pouty Person Tonight ..5/2/12

Hope is like a road in the country; there was never a road, but
when many people walk on it,the road comes into existence.

       Hello everyone,

I hope Thursday turns out well for

Freedom From the Tyranny of Other People's Feelings, Revisited ............4/20/12

“When a person doesn’t have gratitude, something is missing in his or her humanity.
A person can almost be defined by his or her attitude toward gratitude.” Elie Wiesel

        How are you?
I'm bumping this up. I originally wrote this October 14th of last year. I updated it this morning.  Let me know what you think. This is worth discussion. It addresses a problem most people

One Second of Response Time for Every Year Invested in Personal Growth ..............................4/14/12

A smile of encouragement at the right moment may act like sunlight
 on a closed flower. It may be the turning point for a struggling life.
Image: "Wetlands: Day Is Done" by Tim Blessed. (Caption by the photographer.)
All rights reserved, copyrighted photograph. Used by permission. 

       In Friday's post, "Emotional Aikido, A Great Way to Handle Stressful Moments With Others" Keith commented:

  "I find the concept of Verbal Aikido quite fascinating-thanks for introducing me. Also, I completely agree with the concept of detaching yourself emotionally while in adversarial scenarios-a sort of "emotional compartmentalization.: so-to-speak.”

      I'm giving this important subject---that can greatly contribute to our happiness---the attention it deserves. So,

Taking Care of Self: Detaching With Love From an Abusive Person

“Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the
 charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.” — Marcel Proust 

     Good evening,
How was your Saturday? Mine was fine. It was busy, relaxing, intoxicating, invigorating, challenging and tiring. Other than that,

Not Going Into an Emotional Storm Alone & No Longer Being a Super Hero: Retiring the Cape (Freedom from Codependency) ..2/23/12

Have you taken time to thank God? You'll be glad you did.

      The post before this one was fun. I was under time pressure---using a public computer with limited the time. It felt like 

Freedom from Other People's Judgments. An Overview of Codependency ..... ..................10/14/11

"I have been young, and now I am old; yet
 have  I not seen the righteous forsaken,
nor His seed begging bread."  Ps. 37:25

“When a person doesn’t have gratitude, something is
missing in his or her humanity.A person can almost
be defined by his or her attitude toward gratitude.”
        Elie Wiesel

        How are you?

I'll get to today's subject in just a minute, after today's gratitudes. But first...........
A Provision Perspective that Promotes Peace 

     In this weak economy many are anxious about financial security.  I realize
neither my income nor my job are the source of my provision:

Character Discernment, Spiritual Weightlifting Part IV: Principles That Help Us With Any Relationship ...................6/25/11

Ladies, calm down. No, 
this isn't a picture of me.

     In a recent post (See here.) I wrote:

"As we grow in our relational skills, we see difficulties as opportun-ities. They allow us to do spiritual weight lifting.  We exercise the inner strength gotten by applying healthy principles when relating with others.

     We can do this even with those who are dangerous and hurtful. What a deal!"

         Just a second, before going further.   

         This week I disagreed in a blog.   The individual took it personally.   Untasteful descriptions of my character were tossed at me.   This person's friends chimed in, adding more invectives.  
         
          My, my.   I don't take anything personally.  I experienced cyber bullying.  The response was seen for what it was.   A lack of  maturity. 

        Progress doesn't occur when attacks are used.  This illus-trated an ad homi-nem argument.  Like what you see to your left. 

       Most people, when confronted aggressively, back-pedal. They are off guard.  It's, prefer-red--more effective--staying present---on topic.  

      A person is abusive towards us.   That's not the time to reason things out.  Waiting for when they are not emotionally intoxicated makes more sense. 

      Life happens.

      In light of the principles listed below, we can keep perspective, when attacked.   We do not drink the venom offered.  
   

    It's hard for an angry per-son to engage us in an emo-tional tug-of-war, if we let go of the rope.  I did that.  The angry response of others lets me understand their values and worldview.  

       We do not have to agree. 

       Sure, it is disappointing, being judged, misunderstood.  This happens in a conflict.  It is tempting to label the other person wrong.  Frequently this is their default mode towards us.

       Or one party is seen as stupid, an idiot, a twit.  That happened this week, to you know who.  But we don't allow others to define who we am or determine our moods,  

       We want to stand in our power, maintaining integrity with our values.  It's sad when people see different viewpoints as rubbish, tossing in profanities in the mix.  

       Unfortunately, this reaction  can surface when differences arise.  Critical responses needn't be our go-to response.  It is helpful remem-bering we can say our "no" as gently as our yes.

         It is  sad, tragic, when personal attacks are used to win arguments instead of discussing the issues.

"When we realize that we can  have differing viewpoints without either of us being wrong, we can all fit in together. just as we are."  Courage to Change, p. 140

      Unfortunately, this perspective is not common.  It requires hard work.  It happens when we place healthy principles above  negative default modes created when we were children. 

       We can be grateful for healthy principles. They allow discernment of who is safe and isn't.  The following comes from Safe People by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, of the Boundaries series book fame.  

        It's subtitle is: How to Have Healthy Relationships and Avoid Those That Aren't.  Their book, Boundaries, written in 1995 has sold over 5 million copies.   They've written numerous fine books.

      To see practical, brief, clinical video presentations on the subjects of Relationships, Goals and Success, Emotional Struggles, Leadership, Dating, Spiritual Life, Parenting and Marriage, by these psychologists, click here.   You'll be glad you did. 

       In the authors' words,

"Unsafe people have personal traits that make them extreme-ly dangerous to other people."  

Below, these authors go into detail.  

 Helpful Principles to Keep in Mind 

1. Unsafe people are defensive instead of open to feedback.
2. Unsafe people think they "have it all together " instead of admit-ting weakness. 
3. Unsafe people are religious instead of spiritual.
4. Unsafe people apologize instead of changing their be-havior.

      For each of the points stated above, the authors go into detail, in their book.  I'm skimming the general principles.  The authors discuss many other points as well, in depth.  

The following points are from page 34 in Safe People:
5. Unsafe people avoid working on their problems instead of dealing with                them.

    Unsafe people in this regard:

   a. Do not admit that they have problems, or they think they can solve the               problems, by themselves.
   b. Do not submit their life and will to God. In fact, call others "holier than                thou," when others suggest including their Higher Power, when dealing              with challenges.
   c. Do not confess when they've wronged someone.
   d. Do not forgive people who've hurt them.  They care more about the issue than they do about the relationship. (Safe People care more about the rela-tionship than they do about the issue.)

e.  Avoid facing relationship problems directly.  (I've ended relationships because of this factor---if a person I'm relating with is unwilling to discuss the issue, there's little hope for the friendship.)
   f. Do not hunger and thirst for righteousness.  In fact, they often mock those who do, minimizing the need for doing so.
   g. Treat others with a lack of empathy.
   h. Are not open to confrontation from others.
   i.  Are not in the process of learning and growing.
   j.  Blame other people for their problems, not seeing their part. [I often,                  when dealing with an issue between myself and another ask:  "Can you               tell me your contribution, so that I won't feel like I'm the only person to             blame?]
   k.  Do not want to share their problems with others, that they may grow.

       After  going into detail about this list, the psychologists Cloud and Townsend state: 

"People who are uninvolved in character growth can be unsafe, because they are shut off from awareness of their own problems and God's resources to transform those problems. Instead, they act out of their unconscious hurts, [our default modes] and hurting others."

      Having our perspective informed by these principles allows us to be grateful.  They provide greater clarity, mindfulness with relating.  These principles are a guide that lets us know who we want to connect with.  

       We are also aware of those we want to avoid.

       Instead of reacting, it is best responding.  When we do, its a good idea remain courteous towards those with whom we differ.  "The greatest form of wisdom is kindness." 

       We can say our no as gently as our yes.  This is detaching with kindness.  We can value those with whom we disagree.  detaching with love, not amputation.   

        Using assertive honesty strengthens relationships.  It is being honest while showing respect at the same time.  It is not using the hatchet of cruel words, judgments, criticism, assumptions or jumping to conclusions. 

        Detaching prevents us from responding emotionally.  Reacting is giving in to our default modes, if we aren't careful.  

        Relating healthily, when in a conflict can happen.  It occurs when we apply healthy principles above the negative default modes of our personality.  We replace being passive, timid, aggressive, abusive or being frozen in the headlights---- with feeling what we feel and want, then saying what we feel and want to those who trouble us. 

       This is being present and authentic.  It allows for bonding and genuine intimacy.  We are true to our boundaries. 
      

      Our standards define us.  They let others know what we accept and what we won't.   They let those we relate with know who we are---the package they get when relating with us. 

      With assertive, affirming honesty everyone is honored.  We are true to ourselves while respecting differences we have with others.  Our relationships will grow with a depth and kindness like we never dreamed possible. 

       Wishing you a great and grateful day,
                     The Innkeeper
       
How About You? 
1. What have you found helpful, when dealing with conflict?  
2. How do you respond towards others who are being unkind? 
3. What are signs that let you know that a person is not safe to relate with?  
      I look forward to your comments. Here's to growing communication within this inn of hope, encouragement and recovery,

 Other Related Posts: 

1. "Calmness in the Eye of an Emotional Storm."   To read that entry, please click here. 
2. "Dealing with Emotionally Charged Conversations"   You can read that here.

Suffering Loss, Detaching With Love, Winning the Grand Prix of Life ............6/9/11 Alexander Part IV

    Hello everyone,

I'll talk about winning the Grand Prix in just a minute, after these comments and my gratitudes.  First, I want to process my feelings.

     This was not a good night.

Expressing Feelings of Loss

A Rare Occurrence for the Innkeeper

       Regarding words, a stickler I can be. I did not greet you with a "good evening" tonight, my usual intro. It's not; Alexander the Grey(t) died tonight.

       For those who don't know, he was a cat I dearly loved.  I have been tending to this Russian Blue with hospice care for six months. For more info, please read this post, this here, or click the blue link in the previous paragraph.

       A pall envelopes me as I write.  I'm at his house.  In the living room, he lies lifeless. I already miss him.
       I loved his quietly persistent and curmudgeon personality.  The latter was a facade.  Despite his serious-looking mug, he was a junkie for

Guarding Our Emotional Sobriety (Not Taking Things Personally) ......... 6/4/11

Switzerland: Mountain Farm

        Hello everyone, good late evening to you night owls and good morning to you early birds who live on the Right Coast, the Midwest or East of the United States. I'll be sawing logs when you read this. Today's topic follows my gratitude list for this day. May I ask you to take the survey posted to your right? I'm curious to read your responses.

        A new week is starting. This is a good time for reflecting upon the past week. With that in mind,

Creating a Better Today ............ 5/31/11

       Beyond pretense.

      A friend of sever-al decades-----a Bal-cony Person in my life, and I lunched together.  This is what we discussed. The freedom enjoy-ed when facing our vulnerabilities.More importantly, we talked about over-coming our weaknesses by replacing them with healthy alternatives. The following are a few suggestions:

      I. If we're angry:
          A.  We can go for a walk
          B.  We can process it by writing about it in our journal.
          C.  Go to a local sports event and scream like the dickens.

     It is a socially acceptable place to yell.  Fans next to you will think you're amazingly fanatical.  I have a dear friend in her 70's who does this. She goes to the Cal Berkeley basketball games.

         D. We can listen to relaxing music, to decompress.
         E. We can release our frustrations out by beating a pillow or throwing rocks in a body of water.
         F.  Anger reveals we're experiencing an unmet need. We can take action to resolve the unmet need by taking one step that allows us to empty out.

      For example, say that we're with someone who is judgmental.   And we're uncomfortable with their put-downs or how they blame us for their problems without taking responsibility. We can excuse ourselves:

"I'm sorry, but I have to go. I have something pressing that I need to do."

       No, not ironing a shirt.  Yes, we do have something to do. It's leaving that environment.  We don't need to be with someone who suffers from the toxicity of a bitter spirit.

Do not associate with a man given to anger; or go with a hot-tempered man, or you will learn his ways and find a snare for yourself.

                        Proverbs 22:24-25

      It's necessary if we want serenity. If we want to reduce the level of drama in our lives.  One source for sanity is being responsive to, but not responsible for the feelings of others.

      II.  If we're isolating, we can:
           A. Call a friend, see how they are doing. If we want to have friend, we need to be one.
           B. We can go to a movie with someone. We are connecting with others.  Not only the friend but the community of others watching the film with us.  It's a step.
           C. We arrange a time to have lunch with someone special.

      III.. If' feeling blue, we can:
           A. Go for a hike in nature. It lifts the spirit for many.
           B. Listen to music we like.
           C. Workout at the gym.  You probably know hard exercise produces endorphins, which are great                 for our moods.
           D. For some, chocolate does the trick, it has serotonin.

       The above are a few examples of healthy alternatives. You probably can add more. You get the idea.

      We may not have control over our circumstances but we do have control over how we choose to respond to them. We have many op-tions, healthy ones that are life affirming.  Difficult times remind me of the following quote:

      The only time we'll not have conflict is when we're dead; learning to process the challen-ges life offers is preferred to the alternative; I find a coffin a little confining.

       When we make healthy choices and take action towards solving our problems we'll find ourselves happier.  Life will be more sane.  We'll enjoy life more. We'll also have an atti-tude of gratitude because we're making the most out of our lives. We are also creating a better today.

How About You?
1. What are some additional alternatives that you find to anger, isolating, depression?
2.  What is one step you'd like to take today, that will move you towards the solution of your particular challenge?

                 Here's to encouraging one another,

Image: Countryside: Spring Sky by Tim Blessed, © all rights reserved, use by permission.

Wealthy Beyond Measure: Stress Free, Too .5/22/11

“Abundance does not consist in how

 much we have, but in how much

 we enjoy.”

 

     Good evening, everyone,
How was your weekend? Yesterday, my sons, a friend, and I were immersed in nature all day. At Sunol Regional Wilderness Park, near Niles Canyon, south of Pleasanton.  My sons, along with a friend I've known for fourteen years, and I hiked. For more than two hours, alternatingly

Calmness in the Eye of an Emotional Storm, II ......... 5/19/11

I'm thankful for life giving principles that allow me to stand firm, regardless of the pressures surging around me.

    Good morning everyone,

I came across this article, this morning. There's hope for me, I'm happy to say. I love languages and speak and read in a few of them; I always held there was value in learning them. My favorite is Classical Greek, an extremely precise language. I hope you enjoy the following link:  Click here.   Research is keeping me busy this morning, I like it.  Maybe a reader can tell me what the writer in the above link means by "learning a language as a discreet subject."

       Most of you know the routine in this inn. I ask readers to share their gratitudes. If you'd share three, I'd be  a happy innkeeper. But, if you are new to this place, I'll settle for one. So, that's the deal for today.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

       I've been having the unhappy circumstance of relating with a person who is frantic and under tremendous stress. A lot of my training, as a child and adolescent, conditioned me to want to placate others; 

Parading the Elephant: Expressing What Bothers Us........ 5/7/11

What did the grape say when the elephant
 stepped on it?  (Answer below)

          It has been an emo-tionally miserable week.

         It was filled with frustration.  I didn't think it would be, but such has been the case.  There has been lots of exhaling, let-ting out stress, along with my breath.  Encountering tension is not fun.

         The following link is helpful if you want to know if, like me, you're relating with an emotional bully.  Click here.

     I have been an elephant walker, and driver, this week.  The elephant in the living room of a troubled relationship has been paraded by yours truly.  I took the elephant with me everywhere.  It was a tight fit in the car, but my floppy-eared visitor and I visited a dear friend or two.

     Thankfully, these companions helped in giving it a bath----remov-ing some of the crud off of this unwieldy pachyderm, by offering perspective.

      As a result, I see this Jumbo-sized situation for what it is.  It is an opportunity for exercising principles.  Along with living by them.  It is important doing so firmly----but graciously----regardless of the resis-tance encountered.  This is especially true when I'm with the emotional bully that is making life miserable.

       Naming the elephant, discussing my concerns, with my buddies hasn't made circumstances better.   But I feel better.   This critter is not nudging my serenity as much as it was. I find the following helpful dur- ing troubling times:

     Life doesn't always go smoothly or peacefully, even though I wish it would.  In the past when something bother-ed me, I’d say nothing rather than face an argument.  It seemed better to be upset than risk upsetting someone else. The results were usually disastrous.  I would become irritable and unreasonable. I'd let resentment fester. 

    Today, I suspect adversity has value I hadn't recognized.  When I face adversity and deal with my problems or express my feelings, things have a chance to improve. [If I don’t mention my concerns there is no chance of it improving.] 

    Even if they don’t, I release the pressure I  feel.  I’m new at this. I don’t do it very gracefully yet.  Sometimes it’s scary a my words are not exactly welcomed. Nevertheless, I feel better when I finally begin living life on life’s terms. 

    Looking back, I see how much I’ve grown.  I wouldn’t have chosen the crises in my life.  But since [applying heal-thy principles], I’ve learned every problem can help me change for the better.  It can deepen my faith, adding to my self-esteem.

    The Chinese word for crisis is written with two charact-ers. The first stands for danger, the second for opportunity.  I'll look for the good hidden within everything I encounter.

‘There is no such thing as a problem without a gift             for you in its hands.’      Courage to Change, p. 139

'll be happy when my elephant becomes this size
Don't laugh, I've seen it happen with other elephants

 in my life!

How About You? 

How are you at expressing what troubles you?  

  Wishing each of you a terrific day, and look forward to your response.

The answer to the question above: the grape did not say anything---it gave a little wine. 

Handling Stress and an Emotional Bully 3/14/11

In the famous words of the philosopher
 Alfred E. Newman, "What, me worry?

      This evening, I spoke.

       It's an interesting experience.  In school, I performed in plays. It's the same dynamic when giving a talk. The audience continuously interacts with me, in this case, as I shared my thoughts about "getting a life."

       Tonight, several attending stretched their necks as they listened. They had difficulty hearing, an effort made difficult because I'm soft-spoken.