Celebrating Life, Enjoying Community With a Stranger and Friends; Practicing Boundaries With Bullies

Wednesday Gratitudes 
1. The weather was beautiful today. Connecting with nature and celebrating life is always good. This was true as I cycled on this gorgeous day.  What a gift it is

The Alternative to Surrendering Our Values: Emotional Aikido

    Good evening,

Did you enjoy your Sunday?  I did.  It's easy to let angry people intimidate us.

       Surrendering our values is easy to do during such moments. I appreciate having an opportunity to exercise Emotional and Verbal Aikido today. For more about that please read

Calmness in the Eye of an Emotional Storm: Not Allowing Others to Affect Our Serenity or Self-Image: Dealing with Bullies................ ...................6/19/12

          Good evening everyone,
I wrote what follows this picture a year ago, last March. I'm bumping it up, in case you missed it. It's so easy surrendering our boundaries, becoming intimidated, finding ourselves like deer frozen in the headlights when relating with an angry, intimidating or manipulative individual.
        Below is my response to such an occasion.  I'm thankful that I no longer accept unacceptable behavior, nor please unpleasant people, nor bear the burden of another's

Freedom From the Tyranny of Other People's Feelings, Revisited ............4/20/12

“When a person doesn’t have gratitude, something is missing in his or her humanity.
A person can almost be defined by his or her attitude toward gratitude.” Elie Wiesel

        How are you?
I'm bumping this up. I originally wrote this October 14th of last year. I updated it this morning.  Let me know what you think. This is worth discussion. It addresses a problem most people

One Second of Response Time for Every Year Invested in Personal Growth ..............................4/14/12

A smile of encouragement at the right moment may act like sunlight
 on a closed flower. It may be the turning point for a struggling life.
Image: "Wetlands: Day Is Done" by Tim Blessed. (Caption by the photographer.)
All rights reserved, copyrighted photograph. Used by permission. 

       In Friday's post, "Emotional Aikido, A Great Way to Handle Stressful Moments With Others" Keith commented:

  "I find the concept of Verbal Aikido quite fascinating-thanks for introducing me. Also, I completely agree with the concept of detaching yourself emotionally while in adversarial scenarios-a sort of "emotional compartmentalization.: so-to-speak.”

      I'm giving this important subject---that can greatly contribute to our happiness---the attention it deserves. So,

Played an Intense Game of Verbal Tennis 1/23/12

Playing a Verbal Tennis Game 

With an Attorney

      A fascinating conversation with someone early Sunday was had by yours truly.  His face reddened and he raised his voice when I questioned him.  I tried mentioning something that made me uncomfortable on Friday night. He was there.

      His first volley in our dialog was intimidating.  Sarcasm, and vehement arguing was his next ploy.  But, I held my ground on the tennis court of our conversation.  Healthy principles and boundaries prevented me from slipping on the verbal playing court.  I made sure we stayed on topic, not swayed by the intensity of his response.

      When this fellow leaned into my space and raised his voice, I asked, "Are you getting agitated?  If so, we can talk another time."  I've learned it doesn't make sense to talk with someone when they're drunk.  I would be as foolish as them. Waiting for when we can talk coherently is preferred.  The same is true when confronted by a person who is emotionally intoxicated. 

      The question calmed him down.  His next move was recruiting someone else to join the fray.  That was fine.  It was fun; exercising adherence to my values and exercising my right as an adult to disagree. We also made progress.

       With the other person joining the fray, our conversation had me returning rallying shots from one player who was defensive and the intense questioning of the other, who was not, a doubles game with me not having a partner.  I had presence of mind, not reacting, but responding.  Being mindful during the verbal contest allowed me to be courteous while maintaining my integrity. 

      When he stated I was trying to make him do something, which was not my intention, I asked, "Can you tell me what I said that made you conclude that?" 

      He couldn't answer.  Exactly my point.  I never asked him to do anything. That was his assumption. 

      I told him, "I've learned to express my concerns and leave it at that. What a person chooses to do afterwards is their option." I'm not invested in how others respond.  (Courage to Change, p. 310)

     There is only one God and I am not Him.  I kept the focus on me, expressing my needs, trusting God for the results. 

How About You?
What are strategies do you use, when someone tries engaging you in an argument?

Character Discernment, Spiritual Weightlifting Part IV: Principles That Help Us With Any Relationship ...................6/25/11

Ladies, calm down. No, 
this isn't a picture of me.

     In a recent post (See here.) I wrote:

"As we grow in our relational skills, we see difficulties as opportun-ities. They allow us to do spiritual weight lifting.  We exercise the inner strength gotten by applying healthy principles when relating with others.

     We can do this even with those who are dangerous and hurtful. What a deal!"

         Just a second, before going further.   

         This week I disagreed in a blog.   The individual took it personally.   Untasteful descriptions of my character were tossed at me.   This person's friends chimed in, adding more invectives.  
         
          My, my.   I don't take anything personally.  I experienced cyber bullying.  The response was seen for what it was.   A lack of  maturity. 

        Progress doesn't occur when attacks are used.  This illus-trated an ad homi-nem argument.  Like what you see to your left. 

       Most people, when confronted aggressively, back-pedal. They are off guard.  It's, prefer-red--more effective--staying present---on topic.  

      A person is abusive towards us.   That's not the time to reason things out.  Waiting for when they are not emotionally intoxicated makes more sense. 

      Life happens.

      In light of the principles listed below, we can keep perspective, when attacked.   We do not drink the venom offered.  
   

    It's hard for an angry per-son to engage us in an emo-tional tug-of-war, if we let go of the rope.  I did that.  The angry response of others lets me understand their values and worldview.  

       We do not have to agree. 

       Sure, it is disappointing, being judged, misunderstood.  This happens in a conflict.  It is tempting to label the other person wrong.  Frequently this is their default mode towards us.

       Or one party is seen as stupid, an idiot, a twit.  That happened this week, to you know who.  But we don't allow others to define who we am or determine our moods,  

       We want to stand in our power, maintaining integrity with our values.  It's sad when people see different viewpoints as rubbish, tossing in profanities in the mix.  

       Unfortunately, this reaction  can surface when differences arise.  Critical responses needn't be our go-to response.  It is helpful remem-bering we can say our "no" as gently as our yes.

         It is  sad, tragic, when personal attacks are used to win arguments instead of discussing the issues.

"When we realize that we can  have differing viewpoints without either of us being wrong, we can all fit in together. just as we are."  Courage to Change, p. 140

      Unfortunately, this perspective is not common.  It requires hard work.  It happens when we place healthy principles above  negative default modes created when we were children. 

       We can be grateful for healthy principles. They allow discernment of who is safe and isn't.  The following comes from Safe People by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, of the Boundaries series book fame.  

        It's subtitle is: How to Have Healthy Relationships and Avoid Those That Aren't.  Their book, Boundaries, written in 1995 has sold over 5 million copies.   They've written numerous fine books.

      To see practical, brief, clinical video presentations on the subjects of Relationships, Goals and Success, Emotional Struggles, Leadership, Dating, Spiritual Life, Parenting and Marriage, by these psychologists, click here.   You'll be glad you did. 

       In the authors' words,

"Unsafe people have personal traits that make them extreme-ly dangerous to other people."  

Below, these authors go into detail.  

 Helpful Principles to Keep in Mind 

1. Unsafe people are defensive instead of open to feedback.
2. Unsafe people think they "have it all together " instead of admit-ting weakness. 
3. Unsafe people are religious instead of spiritual.
4. Unsafe people apologize instead of changing their be-havior.

      For each of the points stated above, the authors go into detail, in their book.  I'm skimming the general principles.  The authors discuss many other points as well, in depth.  

The following points are from page 34 in Safe People:
5. Unsafe people avoid working on their problems instead of dealing with                them.

    Unsafe people in this regard:

   a. Do not admit that they have problems, or they think they can solve the               problems, by themselves.
   b. Do not submit their life and will to God. In fact, call others "holier than                thou," when others suggest including their Higher Power, when dealing              with challenges.
   c. Do not confess when they've wronged someone.
   d. Do not forgive people who've hurt them.  They care more about the issue than they do about the relationship. (Safe People care more about the rela-tionship than they do about the issue.)

e.  Avoid facing relationship problems directly.  (I've ended relationships because of this factor---if a person I'm relating with is unwilling to discuss the issue, there's little hope for the friendship.)
   f. Do not hunger and thirst for righteousness.  In fact, they often mock those who do, minimizing the need for doing so.
   g. Treat others with a lack of empathy.
   h. Are not open to confrontation from others.
   i.  Are not in the process of learning and growing.
   j.  Blame other people for their problems, not seeing their part. [I often,                  when dealing with an issue between myself and another ask:  "Can you               tell me your contribution, so that I won't feel like I'm the only person to             blame?]
   k.  Do not want to share their problems with others, that they may grow.

       After  going into detail about this list, the psychologists Cloud and Townsend state: 

"People who are uninvolved in character growth can be unsafe, because they are shut off from awareness of their own problems and God's resources to transform those problems. Instead, they act out of their unconscious hurts, [our default modes] and hurting others."

      Having our perspective informed by these principles allows us to be grateful.  They provide greater clarity, mindfulness with relating.  These principles are a guide that lets us know who we want to connect with.  

       We are also aware of those we want to avoid.

       Instead of reacting, it is best responding.  When we do, its a good idea remain courteous towards those with whom we differ.  "The greatest form of wisdom is kindness." 

       We can say our no as gently as our yes.  This is detaching with kindness.  We can value those with whom we disagree.  detaching with love, not amputation.   

        Using assertive honesty strengthens relationships.  It is being honest while showing respect at the same time.  It is not using the hatchet of cruel words, judgments, criticism, assumptions or jumping to conclusions. 

        Detaching prevents us from responding emotionally.  Reacting is giving in to our default modes, if we aren't careful.  

        Relating healthily, when in a conflict can happen.  It occurs when we apply healthy principles above the negative default modes of our personality.  We replace being passive, timid, aggressive, abusive or being frozen in the headlights---- with feeling what we feel and want, then saying what we feel and want to those who trouble us. 

       This is being present and authentic.  It allows for bonding and genuine intimacy.  We are true to our boundaries. 
      

      Our standards define us.  They let others know what we accept and what we won't.   They let those we relate with know who we are---the package they get when relating with us. 

      With assertive, affirming honesty everyone is honored.  We are true to ourselves while respecting differences we have with others.  Our relationships will grow with a depth and kindness like we never dreamed possible. 

       Wishing you a great and grateful day,
                     The Innkeeper
       
How About You? 
1. What have you found helpful, when dealing with conflict?  
2. How do you respond towards others who are being unkind? 
3. What are signs that let you know that a person is not safe to relate with?  
      I look forward to your comments. Here's to growing communication within this inn of hope, encouragement and recovery,

 Other Related Posts: 

1. "Calmness in the Eye of an Emotional Storm."   To read that entry, please click here. 
2. "Dealing with Emotionally Charged Conversations"   You can read that here.

Opportunities for Spiritual Weight Lifting Part III Expressing Our Voice 6/23/11

        Good afternoon!

Welcome to all who drop by this inn of thanksgiving. Don't you like the pictures on the walls?  They are the work of the Englishman, Tim Blessed, a gifted photographer. Sprucing up this place in cyberspace is fun.

     A marvelous week, this was.  Seeing myself getting stronger, characterologically, nurtures my optimism. Emotional dust storms happened this week, when relating with others. That's when the fun began.  I'm  not saying this because I like drama.  Far from it.

     As we grow in our relationships with others, difficulties become opportunities for spiritual weight lifting.  We learn how to exercise strength----applying healthy principles---even with those who are hurtful.  What a deal!

Creating a Better Today ............ 5/31/11

       Beyond pretense.

      A friend of sever-al decades-----a Bal-cony Person in my life, and I lunched together.  This is what we discussed. The freedom enjoy-ed when facing our vulnerabilities.More importantly, we talked about over-coming our weaknesses by replacing them with healthy alternatives. The following are a few suggestions:

      I. If we're angry:
          A.  We can go for a walk
          B.  We can process it by writing about it in our journal.
          C.  Go to a local sports event and scream like the dickens.

     It is a socially acceptable place to yell.  Fans next to you will think you're amazingly fanatical.  I have a dear friend in her 70's who does this. She goes to the Cal Berkeley basketball games.

         D. We can listen to relaxing music, to decompress.
         E. We can release our frustrations out by beating a pillow or throwing rocks in a body of water.
         F.  Anger reveals we're experiencing an unmet need. We can take action to resolve the unmet need by taking one step that allows us to empty out.

      For example, say that we're with someone who is judgmental.   And we're uncomfortable with their put-downs or how they blame us for their problems without taking responsibility. We can excuse ourselves:

"I'm sorry, but I have to go. I have something pressing that I need to do."

       No, not ironing a shirt.  Yes, we do have something to do. It's leaving that environment.  We don't need to be with someone who suffers from the toxicity of a bitter spirit.

Do not associate with a man given to anger; or go with a hot-tempered man, or you will learn his ways and find a snare for yourself.

                        Proverbs 22:24-25

      It's necessary if we want serenity. If we want to reduce the level of drama in our lives.  One source for sanity is being responsive to, but not responsible for the feelings of others.

      II.  If we're isolating, we can:
           A. Call a friend, see how they are doing. If we want to have friend, we need to be one.
           B. We can go to a movie with someone. We are connecting with others.  Not only the friend but the community of others watching the film with us.  It's a step.
           C. We arrange a time to have lunch with someone special.

      III.. If' feeling blue, we can:
           A. Go for a hike in nature. It lifts the spirit for many.
           B. Listen to music we like.
           C. Workout at the gym.  You probably know hard exercise produces endorphins, which are great                 for our moods.
           D. For some, chocolate does the trick, it has serotonin.

       The above are a few examples of healthy alternatives. You probably can add more. You get the idea.

      We may not have control over our circumstances but we do have control over how we choose to respond to them. We have many op-tions, healthy ones that are life affirming.  Difficult times remind me of the following quote:

      The only time we'll not have conflict is when we're dead; learning to process the challen-ges life offers is preferred to the alternative; I find a coffin a little confining.

       When we make healthy choices and take action towards solving our problems we'll find ourselves happier.  Life will be more sane.  We'll enjoy life more. We'll also have an atti-tude of gratitude because we're making the most out of our lives. We are also creating a better today.

How About You?
1. What are some additional alternatives that you find to anger, isolating, depression?
2.  What is one step you'd like to take today, that will move you towards the solution of your particular challenge?

                 Here's to encouraging one another,

Image: Countryside: Spring Sky by Tim Blessed, © all rights reserved, use by permission.

Parading the Elephant: Expressing What Bothers Us........ 5/7/11

What did the grape say when the elephant
 stepped on it?  (Answer below)

          It has been an emo-tionally miserable week.

         It was filled with frustration.  I didn't think it would be, but such has been the case.  There has been lots of exhaling, let-ting out stress, along with my breath.  Encountering tension is not fun.

         The following link is helpful if you want to know if, like me, you're relating with an emotional bully.  Click here.

     I have been an elephant walker, and driver, this week.  The elephant in the living room of a troubled relationship has been paraded by yours truly.  I took the elephant with me everywhere.  It was a tight fit in the car, but my floppy-eared visitor and I visited a dear friend or two.

     Thankfully, these companions helped in giving it a bath----remov-ing some of the crud off of this unwieldy pachyderm, by offering perspective.

      As a result, I see this Jumbo-sized situation for what it is.  It is an opportunity for exercising principles.  Along with living by them.  It is important doing so firmly----but graciously----regardless of the resis-tance encountered.  This is especially true when I'm with the emotional bully that is making life miserable.

       Naming the elephant, discussing my concerns, with my buddies hasn't made circumstances better.   But I feel better.   This critter is not nudging my serenity as much as it was. I find the following helpful dur- ing troubling times:

     Life doesn't always go smoothly or peacefully, even though I wish it would.  In the past when something bother-ed me, I’d say nothing rather than face an argument.  It seemed better to be upset than risk upsetting someone else. The results were usually disastrous.  I would become irritable and unreasonable. I'd let resentment fester. 

    Today, I suspect adversity has value I hadn't recognized.  When I face adversity and deal with my problems or express my feelings, things have a chance to improve. [If I don’t mention my concerns there is no chance of it improving.] 

    Even if they don’t, I release the pressure I  feel.  I’m new at this. I don’t do it very gracefully yet.  Sometimes it’s scary a my words are not exactly welcomed. Nevertheless, I feel better when I finally begin living life on life’s terms. 

    Looking back, I see how much I’ve grown.  I wouldn’t have chosen the crises in my life.  But since [applying heal-thy principles], I’ve learned every problem can help me change for the better.  It can deepen my faith, adding to my self-esteem.

    The Chinese word for crisis is written with two charact-ers. The first stands for danger, the second for opportunity.  I'll look for the good hidden within everything I encounter.

‘There is no such thing as a problem without a gift             for you in its hands.’      Courage to Change, p. 139

'll be happy when my elephant becomes this size
Don't laugh, I've seen it happen with other elephants

 in my life!

How About You? 

How are you at expressing what troubles you?  

  Wishing each of you a terrific day, and look forward to your response.

The answer to the question above: the grape did not say anything---it gave a little wine. 

Suffering Loss (and staying in our power & integrity when others manipulate, using anger or shame) 5/2/11

      I had a bad experience Friday night. One of my worst nightmares came true. A few days I needed, to process my grief and shock.  Friday, I spoke. That went well. A friend drove me to the event; we had dinner before hand, catching up with each other's life.  I had with me a case that held books I use. Often, when speaking, I refer to them.

     After the event was over, my friend needed to put water in his radiator, the result of a recent accident, where he hit another car with the front end of his. I left the case on the trunk of his car while I went to talk with others. You guessed it. We took off with the luggage bag on top of the trunk. It fell off

Nonviolent Communication: Best Way to Get Needs Met. A Tale of Two Approaches ...................4/8/11

    One Approach to Conflict
 Not Advised:

      Last night was interesting, almost entertaining. I cer-tainly didn't need to watch TV to witness drama.  I attended a business meeting for a non-profit organiz-ation.  Initially, the meeting went pretty well.  Attending sessions like these I've done for more than twenty years.  We covered the agenda items. 

      A budget issue was brought up; one person suggested setting aside money for an upcoming expense that will require more money than is normally spent.  Fair enough.  Before the vote, there was discussion about the motion.  

        This is where it got exciting.  The only thing missing was the popcorn and the seats with cup holders for drinks. We tabled the issue until we could get information about the projected expenses, a reasonable conclusion. 

         It's amazing what reason can do, or so I thought.  One member became agitated, the conversation turned for the worse.  This person, the one who had made the recommendation, stood up, raising his voice.  It was “ridiculous” that we didn’t take action, right then, we were emphatically informed.   Others disagreed. The issue didn't need addressing until October.

         I mindlessly reached for the bag of popcorn, but it wasn't there.  Darn.  But, I was glued to the unfolding theatrics. The chairman bolted from the room, insulted.  The distraught person continued lecturing, the veins in his forehead standing out, his body shaking. 

         Wow, this was pretty good.  I didn't even have to pay to view this performance. Two committee members listened to the tirade, their bodies turned away from this angry guy.  A third member faced the agitated individual, a defensive smile screwed onto her face, but uttered nothing.  

   

         Me?  I took it all in.  I didn't dare go to the bathroom, seeing the conclusion of this stage show was a must. 

         I don’t argue with a drunk person.  This agitated person was emotionally intoxicated.  Knowing that allowed me to relax, not taking his actions personally. 

        The climax came when he stated this situation was like his family.  When he was a kid, he was never listened to.  Yep, he actually said that.

        Striding to the door, he yelled his resignation. It would be a long time before he ever came back.  I waited for the credits to show and the curtain to close.  Instead, the meeting ended in stunned silence. 

A Better Approach to Conflict: 

Nonviolent Communication

        Blame, shame, fear, guilt and judgment don’t help, when making a point. They are forms of life alienating communication.  Every one of these negative techniques were used this evening.  These techniques are a form of violence: emotional coercion

        It’s best expressing the needs beneath our feelings.  Followed up with a request for meeting them.  In tonight's case, his need may have been effectiveness or being heard.  We listened; we simply disagreed. These are principles from nonviolent communication, you can read more about it here and here. 

My Gratitudes: 

1.  I’m glad for seeing the humor in last night's event.     

2.  I didn't pay an admission price other than the slight annoyance of hearing someone rant.  The ineffectiveness of using anger to make a point was vividly displayed. 

3.  No longer get triggered---agitated---during times of conflict adds greatly to my serenity and equanimity. What a relief it is, staying present, responding and not reacting.  

Take Two
Using A Healthier Approach To Conflict

       Yesterday, I took steps towards improving a relationship with a client, addressing uncomfortable issues.  Being patronized doesn't work for me.  My concerns were mentioned, my need for dignity in our interactions.  My point was made without making an enemy. 

       The outcome was positive.  The concerns were heard; this person will change how he relates with me.  

      Speaking respectfully, while disagreeing is one form of spiritual weightlifting.  It requires effort and can be awkward, especially in the heat of an emotionally charged moment.  It's easier to fight, I know. 

      But the consequences of conflict are usually dire: tension, resentment and anger.  I've learned that the more I do relational weightlifting, using nonviolent communication, the stronger I get, like any other habit.  The best part is that it gets easier with practice.  This is placing principles above personalities, including mine. 

      I'm happy that---during emotional times, like last night----when we replace default reactions with healthier responses, characterological growth occurs.  We are eradicating unhelpful, established patterns----yelling, blaming shaming, etc., that contribute to discord.  I'm thankful that, by responding instead of reacting, healthy dialogue possible.  "Let it begin with me."

      We may not be able to control our circumstances, but we do have control over our responses.  Harmony is no longer contingent upon others or external circumstances, but where I choose to focus.  This realization provides plenty of gratitude.

      Today, while relating with a difficult client, harmony prevailed.  That's not guaranteed. Thankfully, the other person heard my concerns.  Am I’m glad.  Our relationship is improving.  I'll take victories where peace reigns, anytime.

How About You? 
What do you do when you need to address a need of yours? I'd love hearing your response.

Related Post: 
Expressing Feelings, Part II