I had a bad experience Friday night. One of my worst nightmares came true. A few days I needed, to process my grief and shock. Friday, I spoke. That went well. A friend drove me to the event; we had dinner before hand, catching up with each other's life. I had with me a case that held books I use. Often, when speaking, I refer to them.
After the event was over, my friend needed to put water in his radiator, the result of a recent accident, where he hit another car with the front end of his. I left the case on the trunk of his car while I went to talk with others. You guessed it. We took off with the luggage bag on top of the trunk. It fell off
somewhere in Hayward. The books are gone, they are resources I've used for the past seven years. Great books. Not only do they help me in my work with others, but they have help me enormously, in my own growth.
I study, a lot, and enjoy doing so. I write microscopically in my margins and in between the lines of print. I mark my books extensively and add to the indexes. I write my insights in the margins, then I write summaries at in the top margin and they are multi-hued, the result of marking each separate thought in a different color. In one book alone, that was in the case, I added more than 389 additions to the index. This is in addition to 6-10 cross references for most of the pages, in each book.
Seven books that I use frequently, are now gone. In one book alone I had at least 2,000 hours of notes. It hurts. The others have multiple hundreds of hours of notes in them. It's a big loss. In five of the books I offered an $80.00 reward, if found, along with my telephone number. I spoke with the police for the city in which I lost my case. They said, if others find the case and they see no value in the books, they will probably trash the case. Ouch.
Saturday, I allowed myself time to process the shock. I'm still upset, but calmly so. I don't like it when I'm calm, when upset. What didn't help is that someone this evening gave me advice, about what I just suffered. Not a good idea. When a person is in pain, that is not the time to sling out advice.
He said, "well, maybe God is telling you that you should study other subjects."
"When going through a loss, I don't need advice." I replied. "When a person in down, it doesn't help kicking them in the teeth, telling them what they should have done. Do you have any empathy?" I asked.
"Well, maybe your ego is in the way, if you can't take what I told you," he said loudly, striding away from me and the conversation.
As he did so, I responded and did not react. "I'm surprised you're angry, because I told you I didn't want your advice. I'm the one going through loss and right now."
So, what are my gratitudes?
1. I'm glad I give myself time to grieve, when going through a tough time.
2. I'm thankful that when others are less than kind, and I am vulnerable, even emotional, I'm able to be present, and not accept unacceptable comments.We get what we tolerate. We train people how to treat us.
3. I celebrate that I am able to stand in my personal power, when someone tries to trigger a defensive response in me, when he said, "Well, maybe it's your ego..."
4. I'm happy that I have my own values, I do not placate others when they use the "anger" card to get me off balance. I'm glad that I'm able to let others know when their comments are not acceptable. Even better, it felt great when I asked them to stop their put downs.
5. I'm grateful I'm surrounded by emotionally healthy, positive, loving friends. A result of bonding with them is that I detach from harmful others, like this person, who was a Job's comforter.
One last thing, I find boundaries helpful. It's important knowing our "must haves" and "can't stands," in our relationships. I inventory mine semi-annually, if not quarterly. Boundaries are crucial for happiness. Without them our life becomes chaotic----we'll operate at the whim of others. Bitterness and resentment can easily result, not good qualities to have if we value our emotional, mental, physical or spiritual health.
It's also good knowing when someone is angry---because we are exercising our principles---they want us to make decisions based on their negative or dramatic reactions to our principles. They want us to place their personality above principles. Not a good idea.. It's usually best to place principles above not only other personalities, but mine, too. That is, we want to place principles over the areas in our lives that are weak and vulnerable, those are that were influenced by the poor modelling we witnessed and absorbed while growing up. Taking this step of detaching from our typical reactions and responding, using healthy values is crucial for our growth in our personal power and integrity.
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I'm heading for bed. I'm exhausted. I'm usually indefatigable. When I'm emotionally drained, like now, as a result of losing my books, I get tuckered out. Your prayers are appreciate. I would be delighted if some honest person found my satchel of books, looked inside one of them, found the number listed and gave a call. Now, that's a dream come true.
I'd love hearing from my reader friends,
The Innkeeper
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5 comments:
Good morning... I was saddened to hear about the loss of your valuable possessions. I know those must have been like family and a true part of you. We can only pray that someone also realizes what value those books are to another person and takes the time to call you so you can retrieve them. Did you by chance go back to the area where they would have fallen off the car to see if they might be there somewhere? I'm sure you probably did. My prayers are with you my friend.
Good Morning, Phyllis,
Thank you, for asking. I appreciate connecting with friends, when upset. When my friend Kevin and I got back to my place, Friday, I realized the case of books was gone. I went back, with another kind friend, Stuart, within a half hour, retracing our path. I got out of the car, and looked for it. No such luck.
It was comforting having a dear friend with me while I was distraught, scouring for my beloved books. It's also uplifting enjoying your support, now. Thanks for caring. It makes my loss less painful.
I still hope and pray my books will show up. I'm in the acceptance phase. I haven't given up the wish that I'll receive a call from someone who found my case, with the books inside.
Your supportive comment reminds me I am not alone. Thanks again. I do feel like I've been socked in the gut, though. If people only knew how much these books mean to me. I can't get over the fluky nature of this enormous loss. If the friend who drove me to the meeting hadn't had a radiator problem due to a recent accident, I'd still have my bag of books.
I'm being gentle with myself. I'm glad I not kicking myself for what I did---there's no value in doing that. That, in itself is a huge moral victory. My father's constant criticism groomed me to be a perfectionist, which is a serious and sad-inducing disease.
I'm grateful that I'm not what I do, even when I suffer a serious lapse of remembering that I left something valuable on top of a car. I've learned that not adhering to unhealthy family ideals is a form of excellent self-care. A big part of my growth has been realizing that my ideal self needs to include grace towards others and myself. I'm forgiving myself.
"Forgiveness is not forgetting, it's letting go of the hurt."
Courage to Change, p. 178.
Once again, thank you, for your concern. It's great hearing from you. I regularly pray for you. You'll have mail, later today.
I'm still looking up. Here's to breathing and gentleness towards self,
That stinks. Also, obviously, the people that offered advice just didn't understand. They didn't understand a lot. Those books were more than face-value books to you, first off, second, don't we learn in Al-Anon not to give advice, but to share our own strengths, experiences, and hope?
My first thought is that, if you don't get your books back, this will be a chance for you to look at the readings with new eyes and a chance to add more notes as, surely, you were running out of room in the margins! :) (((hug)))
Insanity, the way things happen in this world, and we have no idea for what reason and then, eventually, we can look back and see the reason. At least, that has been my experience.
Gratitudes for today...
I am grateful that when my car started spewing coolant, I was stuck in traffic across the street from a chicken joint, and was able to pull into the parking lot with ease. I was then able to get a soda and a gallon of water for $1.83.
I am grateful that I am in a good mood today.
I am grateful that I seem to have a good idea about communicating some feelings and being a good human being to another human being and getting closure without being hurtful or angry.
Dear Kelly,
Thanks for the encouragement and empathy. When bad things happen, I try to remember to pause. I pray. I meditate. Getting an idea of what God is saying to me, I seek.
Meditating over recent circumstances since Friday lets me know my life has become unmanageable. I need God's help. Without it, I can't have the serenity and sanity I need, in order to thrive. It's not my will, but His will that I want to live out.
This weekend's events and my bout with an unsympathetic person also remind me that I definitely want to be empathic when others suffer or hurt. I was sad when the person I mentioned in the blog post above raised her voice at me and got angry at me, while I was still processing the pain of bitter disappointment. The fact that she got mad when I asked her not to give me advice only added salt to the wound.
My loss is no way near the tragic losses others face. But I was still upset with the events of Friday night when I was chewed out by my friend. I'm reminded, once again, of something I've posted elsewhere in the gratitudes I've shared in this inn. When others are troubled, the best thing I can offer is empathy, connecting with their feelings and the needs beneath them.
Sympathy is not the way to go. When I'm sympathetic, the focus is on me. I'm telling them my story, about something that happened to me, that's similar to their situation. It's much better to just be a listening, kind ear, connecting with whatever they are experiencing.
Thank you for your encourage words: good stuff, Kelly.
I'm enjoying the community we're having today. Thanks, guys! Your comments help. I'm feeling a bit better. :->
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