Tuesday, September 30

Grateful for Many Things, Trusting God for One in Particular........ 9/30/14

     I just got in from working tonight in Alameda until 10:00 p.m.  Afterwards, I did errands and shopped for food. Tonight will be to the point.

My Gratitudes: 
1.  I faced fear and overcame it, sorta.  Still, it wasn't easy.  I am less resilient because I am tired, a lot, due to number 3 below. I am getting stronger because of number 13 below.
2.  I have a plan that is providing me hope, the result of help received yesterday.  I will test

Monday, September 29

What Is Communicated Is Not Necessarily What Is Heard..... 9/29/14

      Thank you, for keeping me com-pany, dropping by. Today was demanding, but there isn't a more satisfying job than the one I have.   I am also happy providing this cozy place in cyberspace.

        But, I am worn out; almost not

Saturday, September 27

Being a Zombie............ 9/27/14

      How are you?   Me?  I was a zombie Friday.  Could not see straight by the end of my work week.  Muddled thinking, incapable of studying---a rarity for me, an epistomophiliac.

       Even though I am happy, I was good for nothing by five o'clock yesterday.  Ended my week seeing five clients Friday, three via Skype.

      Today, I slept for

Friday, September 26

Expressing Our Voice Part III...... 9/26/14

Having Our Voice, Exercising Boundaries
      A favorite quote is the one listed below.  What is appealing about it?  Freedom. It is important maintaining integrity with our Values, even if it upsets others.

    A point of clarity.  I do not suggest using our freedom to excuse rudeness.

    Expressing concerns, kindly, when something troubles us, is

Wednesday, September 24

Relating With Difficult Others.... 9/24/14

      A guest to this inn once said:
"Try doing having acceptance when your almost 8-year-old makes weekly mass an exercise in humiliation!"
      I imagine it must, at times, be frustrating,

Monday, September 22

A Grateful Innkeeper........ 9/22/14

My Gratitudes for Monday: 
1.  I enjoyed hours spent with someone special yesterday.  The companionship, compassion and emotional safety shared recharged me for the demanding nature of this week.  It was great being with  I was with someone whose grasp of life is beyond my abilities.  I am stunned when I am

Sunday, September 21

Beyond Button Pushing---Abiding With Triggered Feelings, Getting Healed .............. ...................9/21/14

Image: "Cumbria: Hindscarth from High Spy"  By Tim
Blessed.  Copyrighted photo.  Used by permission. 
     I had a sensa-tional time this morning.

      Deeply fulfilling.  I spent time with a good friend for sev-eral hours.  Tough, but good.  We were both nurtured.

      Honesty, com-passion reigned.  Our needs for intimacy, connection and integrity were met.  We ad-dressed buttons that could have been pushed by either of us.

      We know the rou-tine, when we fall in love.  Profuse are our professions. We glow over what we share in common with the other person.

       Kindness radi-ates in the relation-ship.  We are filled with the warmth of affection.  Usually, at this stage, we com-mit to each other.

         Sounds good, doesn't it?  It isn't.  It is best going through power struggles, first.

         In reality, these troubling issues are not what they appear.  Con-flicts allow us to know areas needing healing, our vulnerabilities. When maturely processed with the other person, our ability to communicate deepens.
      Key is not  reacting. Troubling issues are discussed.  The needs beneath are addressed. We are ack-nowledging what is alive within.

      Nothing gets healed when ignored.

      It is less aggravating if we stop our plans on changing the other person.  Conflict in the relationship allows us to develop consciously as a couple.  It is a chance for personal growth.

      Wounds are healed. Foibles are remedied.  Our character strengthens, both of us become more whole, and authentic.

      We are less susceptible to default patterns that no longer serve us.

     It lets us move beyond vexing issues, the problemed areas we had before entering any relationship.

     Processing any source of pain between a couple permits the two to evolve.  No need to amputate the differing person from their lives.  Usually, the problem isn't with the other person.

      We are the problem.  The Hunchback of Notre Dame of our vulner-abilities and baggage surfaces in the relationship.  This ogre creates the discord that disturbs the other person.

     Working through troubling issues strengthens relation-ships.  It enables us to move beyond the narrow sense of who we are and our Victim Story (See #8).  It avoids finger pointing.  Sometimes this requires outside help.

     Addressing areas of pain or confusion leads to transformational growth.  That happened today.  I was stunned.

      I marveled at my friend's maturiy.  Her humility drew us closer.  We worked through a triggering area.  Healing happened.

      We enjoyed deeper intimacy, commitment.  It was the harvest of toiling under the sun of honesty.  A deep, healing and meaningful time resulted.  It was the fruit of transparency shared.

      When being authentic, we say things that feel awkward.  We take risks.  Because we did today, our relationship deepened.

       I understand her more clearly.  She has a better view of me.

      Transcending beyond power strug-gles causes some-thing to happen.  It creates a "we system.We become interde-pendent.

       This is the offspring of honesty.  Just like childbirth, this process can be painful.  But worth it.

       If attracted to someone, the passion of infatuation is not enough to guarantee permanence.  It may have the same flash as when a pile of leaves is lit on fire.  But it will be as ephemeral.

      Authentic communicating improves a relationship.  It evolves the dynanic engaged in it.  True connection is the branches needed for creating a more enduring fire.
        We relate with compassion and empathy.  Everyone is better understood.  We are emotionally naked.

       There is no cause for shame.  We are present with each other.  This is the stuff of genuine intimacy.

      Commitment with another before working through power struggles usually ends up hurtful.  The relationship is less likely to endure.  It is leaves without roots.  It is form without substance.

      Working through painful feelings requires work.  But the results of doing so contributes to a warmth, authenticity, and permanence of relating not found any other way.

Saturday, September 20

Freedom From Frenzy: Caution God at Work ...... 9/20/14

I'm mindful that our thoughts affect the words we use, our words in-
fluence our actions, our actions shape our character and our character
determines our destiny.   (See below) 
     Welcome to visitors.  An unusual week, our second largest readership were three hundred and fourteen guests from Germany.   Usually it is the U.K. The U.S. is always first, with 3,342 doing so this week.  Thanks for dropping by!
My Gratitudes: 
1. This evening, I rested. Taking care of ourselves is good. If not careful, we can push harder than what is best for our sanity or serenity.
It's difficult being in touch with our feelings when we are caught up with busyness.  When there are too many distractions competing for attention, our feelings lose, they are neglected.

Tuesday, September 16

Staying the Course, Even When Pushed By the Strong Winds of Many Demands ......... ...................9/16/14

     "Morning by morning, new mercies I see, great is thy faithfulness, Lord unto me."
      I added three new clients to my practice, having sessions with them today. This was on top of the clients I already see.  I also booked four new clients to see within the week.

      First sessions are hardest. Today's clients were

Monday, September 15

Eighth Characteristic that Prevents Having A Healthy Relationship..... .................. 9/15/14

At this age it is okay, wearing a cape.  Any
 older, it isn't advised to be a constant rescuer
     We have looked at factors that make us choose unhealthy relationships. Next is number eight:

    Our need to fix others becomes our fix.  We binge on helping others as an alcoholic binges on drinking. The problem with this type of relationship is the lack of balance.  I frequently relate with people who expect me to be available at all times.  When I cut off a

Saturday, September 13

The Seventh Characteristic That Prevents Having a Safe Relationship 9/13/14

      For the past week-and-a-half one theme here has been characteristics that prevent healthy relationships.  You can find the first three here.  The other three are in this post. The theme resumes tonight.

      The seventh characteristic inhibits having a safe relationship is

Friday, September 12

Taking Care of Myself............... 9/12/14

     Hello, I am grateful for those who post comments here. It means a lot to me.  I am burned out, after experiencing the most intense two weeks in years.  Heading I am, for

Thursday, September 11

Boundaries. Critical for Mental Health.... 9/11/14

       Boundaries.  They are a sanity saver and joy producer. I do not have boundaries for others to adhere to.  I have them so that I adhere to them.

        Without boundaries, life is

Enjoying a Moment of Spontaneity.... 9/11/14

Patience is priceless. Patience can only grow through experiences that test
 it. So we should treasure the times when our patience is tried, and not im-
patiently seek to be rescued prematurely. Makethe most of it. Realize that 
God has a purpose and a plan that will work out for our best. If we choose
 the path of patience and trust, we will not regret it
 (Photographer's caption.)
        Nowadays, I pretty much go with the flow, letting the day take me where it will.  I've my priorities.  But when monkey wrenches are thrown into the mix of the day, I accept them and adapt.  Part of having a Spiritual Awakening is

Tuesday, September 9

Six Characteristics to Avoid In Relationships, If You Want A Healthy One ...................9/9/14

One definition of discernment
      In this post, written last Thursday, I shared reasons why it is hard find Safe People, those who help us thrive and become better people. They were:
1.  Lacking Discernment.
2.  Not Knowing How to Connect.
3.  Fear of Abandonment. This is settling for less than is desirable.

     You can read the previous post in the link above, for more details on these three.  I will continue from there. The fourth reason is:

Sunday, September 7

Three Things Necessary to Release the Inner You.................. 9/7/14

As I am more comfortable with my wants,
dreams and desires, I am increasingly able
to risk the disapproval of others. We become
                internally, not externally referented. 
      I got home from San Francisco at 9:30 p.m.  Barely able to keep my eyes open.  I am emotionally and mentally spent. Not one penny of energy remains within the innkeeper.

      I cried once while doing a session.  That will do me in, physically.  But they were good, empathetic tears.  I also got choked up again, while

Friday, September 5

An Exhausted Innkeeper. Codependency, A Perceptional and Emotionally Depleting Disease............ ....................9/5/14

Being Codependent:

1.  We are externally referented. We do not trust our judgment. This places us in a childlike role when relating with others.  We need approval from others in order to know if something is right or not.
2.  We allow others to determine our moods. Growth takes place when we realize that nobody can make us feel happy, sad, angry or any other feeling without us giving them permission to

Thursday, September 4

Three Things Needed to Find Safe People.... 9/4/14

Scotland: "Loch Linhe and Loch Eil from Ben Nevis"
By Tim Blessed.  Copyrighted photo, used by permission. 
Where Do We Find the Safe People We Need in Order to Thrive?

      It is not chance.

     When we are hurt by relation-ships there is a common denom-inator.

      Us.  Ouch.

      It is easy blaming others. There is nothing wrong with us we think as we smart from someone's sarcasm.  It's not our fault, we rea-son, when surrendering to an emotional bully.  We fear confronting him.  It is too much of a bother.

      For good relationships, we need boundaries. They help us evaluate others properly.  Boundaries  help us with irresponsible, manipulative or controlling relationships.  What often gets in the way when facing these problems?  Our character issues.

      Childhood mentoring prepares us for life.  Childhood is a ripe time to learn discernment.  Many of us were not instructed in this important skill.  We grew up in homes where the behavior was less than ideal.  Healthy direction didn't happen for us.

      It is never to late to learn.  Boundaries are a measuring stick.  Relationships that line up with them are good relationships. We em-brace these.

      Boundaries help us avoid those friendships that aren't good for us.  These guidelines are the basis for maturity, safety and growth. There are three ingredients that create good rela-tionships.  They help guard our heart.  Let's take a look:
  Guard your heart with all diligence for from it flows the issues of life.         Proverbs 4:23
1.  Discernment

     One factor that builds healthier relationships is character discernment. 

     With it, we are drawn to people for the right reasons.  We avoid external reasons for relating.  Outward success, material attainments, looks are not the measure of the man or woman.

      Character is.

      A friend with character is a formula for a healthy rela-tionship. Is the person kind when we differ?  Is he patient, when wronged?  Does the person have compassion?  Do they listen to us talk?  Is there a "we" left standing after a conflict?

     These are marks of character.  This person is safe.

     When something is amiss, does the person care more about the issue than the relationship?  When s/he talks, do we become an audience of one, and are not included?  That's an unsafe person. We want to steer clear of this person. 

2.  Knowing How to Connect

     Discernment isn't everything.  Community is critical, too.  Isolating hurts us emotionally and mentally.  Community with emotionally healthy others protects us.  We all desire intimacy.

     Contrary to what the media says, intimacy is not sex.  Often, that is the farthest thing from it.  As presented in the world, tenderness is often trifled.  Reciprocity in a relationship is what we want.  Mutuality and emotional safety are key for a good friendship.

     Being intimate is revealing our fears.  With a safe person we can.  Those we relate with---who are safe---do not judge when we bare our weaknesses.  Instead of ridicule, we receive compassion. We experience grace.

     Blame is replaced with grace.  In good friendships, shame is absent. We can share our vulnerabilities, boldly.  Safe People provide a healthy environment.  What is divulged is not used against us.

     "Bob" is a fellow I know.  He worked in the health care field, as a nurse.  Tragedy took place, someone died under his care.  He revealed this tragic event to an unsafe friend. 

     When his friend did something wrong, Bob tried addressing it.  His friend would dredge up that Bob "killed" a patient.  His friend would tell Bob he could never say anything negative about him. Bob killed someone.  That was worse than any misdeed this friend did.

     This relationship is manipulative.  It is unsafe. 

3.  Fear of Abandonment

      Sometimes we find ourselves in unhealthy relationship.  Applying boundaries, or detaching, is in order.  It doesn't happen.  Why?  Fear of being alone may cause the individual to cave in.  Sad.  This reveals the value of a supportive community.

      It provides strength.  Good friends give us emotional object constancy.  We know we are loved, valued.  Good friends strengthens us.  With their support we can take difficult steps.  Support empowers us to confront.  We can take action that is emotionally draining. We can move away from unhealthy relationships.
       On occasion, we may be guilty of not keeping good company.  Often, it is a case of preferring to stay in an unhealthy relationship.  We believe it is better than no relationship at all.  This reflects low self-esteem.  It is self-sabotaging.  We can do better.

We get what we tolerate.

       We train people how to treat us, be it for good or ill.  We gain confidence when we live within a community of  good friends.  They are the fruit of exercising better discernment and boundaries. Applying them provides greater peace of mind.  It is something we need to thrive in today's hectic society.

       We help ourselves when we let go of manipulative, controlling relationships.  Exercising discernment, our relationships improve.  Applying courage derived from our supportive network, it increases.  We are able to remove the decaying fruit of unhealthy acquaintances.

       As we get better so will our relationships.

How About You? 
Please share the qualities of intimacy you enjoy with a dear friend.
      May you have a great and grateful day.  I know I will!

Tuesday, September 2

A Special Four Year Anniversary, My Best For Today Is Good Enough, Growing A Safe Person..... 9/2/14

     Part of my recovery is a thought often expressed here. My best for today is good enough.  So, nope, what you are reading is not in its finished form.  I will add more tomorrow, perhaps quotes, graphics.  I also cut stuff that looked good in the darkness of the approaching midnight hour, my usual dead-line.

     August 27th marked four years I have

Quotes from the Posts

"I'm mindful that our thoughts affect the words we use, our words influence our actions, our actions shape our character and our character determines our destiny."

From "My Character Determines My Destiny." To read it, please click here.

"Progress not perfection, is better than no progress at all, especially when we're trying to rid ourselves from unwelcome dragons that dwell within the closets of our soul."

From, "Still Learning" which, within four days, became the most popular post
written. To read it, please click here.

"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its trouble, but it does empty today of its strength"
From the post: "Life Is Not a Correspondence Program." Click here to read it.

"Even though we cannot control our circumstances, we can control how we choose to respond to them."

From, "Handling Stress and Dealing With an Emotional Bully."Click here to read this post.

"Nope, being busy isn't exciting. Boring is good. Because boring is not boring; boring is being healthy, living a balanced life that has serenity"

From: "Do You Know What It Means If You Are Too Busy?" For more, please click here.