Friday, September 5

An Exhausted Innkeeper. Codependency, A Perceptional and Emotionally Depleting Disease............ ....................9/5/14

Being Codependent:

1.  We are externally referented. We do not trust our judgment. This places us in a childlike role when relating with others.  We need approval from others in order to know if something is right or not.
2.  We allow others to determine our moods. Growth takes place when we realize that nobody can make us feel happy, sad, angry or any other feeling without us giving them permission to
do so.  My feelings are my property.  Other people's feelings is theirs, including their disappointment with us.

    Others will have to realize that they don't always get what they want. It's not our job to make them happy.  That's their job.
3.  We allow others to define us.
4.  We are addicted to unhealthy relationships. It is hard for us to say no. We have a need to please others because of our low self-esteem.
5.  Are not in touch with our feelings, wants, needs.  We take care of everyone else, neglecting ourselves. Our life is unbalanced. We are almost entirely other oriented.
6.  We accept unacceptable behavior.
7.  We believe we are responsible for the feelings of others. (Codependency is a form of narcissism. Ouch. )
8.  Do not know how to use mature boundaries with others.

     If caregivers do not deal with their codependency, they simply become professional codependents, enabling their clients. If anyone does not get healing from codependency they will easily get their feelings hurt. Perception becomes projection, a very dangerous and unfilling way to view life.

9.   If we are codependent, we are not present, nor authentic.  Instead we are constantly triggered by the behavior and attitudes of others, lacking equanimity.


     I just woke up.  Dead I was tonight after teaching all day, followed by crawling in traffic for one-and-a-half hours while heading home.  Once there, in a mental fog, there was no energy to pull off the stems of fresh strawberries in order to eat them.  Really.  Instead, I closed the refrigerator, staggering to bed, crashing upon it.  Instantly unconscious.

     Spent the day with thirty adults, as they trained for nuances of my profession.  The response to the time I spent with them was stunningly affirming.  Tomorrow, and Sunday, at nine a.m., I will be in San Francisco until 5:00 p.m.. passing on what I do.  I am helping them learn how tend to those bruised by the vicissitudes of life.  Innkeeper's note: Saturday I worked until 11:30 p.m., Sunday until 8:00 p.m. Giving sessions at night, after class. 

     Today I was a voice crying out in the urban wilderness.  Was it fulfilling.

     The other instructor and I joined the students during lunch.  I cried.  Those with me did too. Totally unexpected.  But beautiful.  Our table became an oasis of love and authenticity in the midst of a crowded restaurant. We returned to class closer than we were before our meal.

    The questions asked during class time were disturbing, many students wanted to be the "fixer," when working with clients.  Bad idea.  That is getting in the way of the process, infantilizing the client.

     It was also disappointing---but not surprising---seeing the reaction of students after I critiqued them as they practiced techniques taught today.  It was apparent how easy it is to resort to control, justifying what we do, which is what I observed some students doing.

      I spoke on the subject listed above.  Codependency. When I did,  it was as if I spoke Classical Greek, which I speak.  Several have studied codependency while covering chemical dependency in school.  Not realizing that this subject was relevant for them.

      I maintain we succumb to this perceptual and emotional disease, if we are not careful or know nothing about recovery.  Codependency is not just about those relating to individuals addicted to drugs or alcohol.

      I can talk at length about this, but my time is limited, tonight.  I need to rise by six a.m. tomorrow to make it to City by the Bay and teach.

 How About You? 
What might be an area where you are codependent?  Please share, you contribute to the community have here, when you do. 


Vanessa Higgins said...

I love finding quotes that can connect with others, no matter where they currently are, emotionally. You posted some little gems that really connected with me, thank you!

Pablo said...

Dear Vanessa,

It is great seeing you! I am catching up on comments posted. The past few weeks have been a blur.

I am glad the quotes inspired you. I hope we have a chance to talk,soon.

The inn is always better, when you drop by. Hope to see you again, soon!

Quotes from the Posts

"I'm mindful that our thoughts affect the words we use, our words influence our actions, our actions shape our character and our character determines our destiny."

From "My Character Determines My Destiny." To read it, please click here.

"Progress not perfection, is better than no progress at all, especially when we're trying to rid ourselves from unwelcome dragons that dwell within the closets of our soul."

From, "Still Learning" which, within four days, became the most popular post
written. To read it, please click here.

"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its trouble, but it does empty today of its strength"
From the post: "Life Is Not a Correspondence Program." Click here to read it.

"Even though we cannot control our circumstances, we can control how we choose to respond to them."

From, "Handling Stress and Dealing With an Emotional Bully."Click here to read this post.

"Nope, being busy isn't exciting. Boring is good. Because boring is not boring; boring is being healthy, living a balanced life that has serenity"

From: "Do You Know What It Means If You Are Too Busy?" For more, please click here.