Saturday, September 13

The Seventh Characteristic That Prevents Having a Safe Relationship 9/13/14

      For the past week-and-a-half one theme here has been characteristics that prevent healthy relationships.  You can find the first three here.  The other three are in this post. The theme resumes tonight.

      The seventh characteristic inhibits having a safe relationship is
romanticizing.  It is being pollyannaish.  We only see the good, avoiding reality.  I can be guilty of this.  I am an optimistic fellow and want to believe in the best about others.
     The good thing is that I am imbued with principles that allow me to surmount this default mode of my personality.  I don't care to romanticize another person's faults.  I place my values above any attachment. This provides me with discernment.

     A client came to me upset about her boyfriend. "Tell me about your concerns,"  I asked.

      "He only wants to have sex, spends most of his time with friends and doesn't do things with me."

      "Why are you still with him?" I asked

      "Because I love him," she said.

      "Well," I said, "I know a guy you  might want to get to know."

      "Tell me about him," she said.
        "He will only want to have sex with you, he won't spend much time with you and he will prefer to be with his guy friends."

        "I am not interested," she replied.

        "Why not?"
         "Because how he is is contrary to my values," she replied.

         And she didn't even notice what I did.  Our values have to always precede attachment. To do otherwise is romanticizing.  Charm doesn't cut it.  Charmers are usually narcissists.  Do not walk away from such a person----run!

Or refuse to diverge from their deeply held 
values because of pressure by demanding others.
        Looks is not a good indicator of a healthy person, either.  Character makes or ruins a relationship.  Get-ting caught up with the externals of an-other is as safe as lighting a match in a shed full of dynamite.  How a person is characterologically is the best indicator of whether we will be happy with them or not.

        Real relationships get past romantic feelings to true love and true intimacy.  We need to see reality.  We need to wake up and smell the onions.  We don't want to overlook the sadness we have experienced because we ignored the idiot lights on our relational dashboard.

        Here's wishing you healthy relationships.  Mine are, although I am challenged by one of them.

How About You? 
Can you share one blockage, not mentioned so far, that prevents people from having healthy relationships?  


Anonymous said...

One blockage that I'm currently working on is passivity.This has been my default mode ever since I was a little girl growing up in a dysfunctional home.Where my parents couldn't for the life of them relate authentically to each other.Much to my horror,I have continued this dysfunction in my own marriage without even realizing it... until now!

Jane G.Yorkshire

Pablo said...

Dear Jane,

I am inspired to write for guests of this inn when I see comments like yours. What are you finding that helps you overcome passivity?

What steps do you want to take to improve how you relate with your husband? How does it feel having insight into areas, where not long ago, you didn't see anything wrong? What has helped you to improve your perspective?

Thank you, for your comments. It is encouraging dialoging with guests from this inn!

Anonymous said...

I'm guilty of romanticizing in relationships in the past. I seen the positive, optimistic and potential and often was hurt later. I forgave things easily but was gullible too. I thought that all people deep inside wanted a strong compassionate loving and monogamous relationship. I was unaware that this stirred up muddy waters. A saying that has helped me neutralize and ground me is "It is what it is". It's helped me be present in the now. Last Tuesday I did something very hard for me. I Broke up with a girlfriend for the first time without a terrible event. Hurting her was very very hard. I listened to the trembling inside that told me she wasn't safe for me. She tried to convince me that we were great and so good together and I was so close to giving in again. By the grace of God after 2 hours I stepped into my car and drove away with two little people on each of my shoulders talking in my ear. The little red guy was saying " you're gonna be lonely,she's warm, you won't find anyone else,etc". The other little guy was saying "you are doing the right thing, she's not safe, you won't ever feel like this if she was the right one, you would feel at peace without doubt". Before I reached home I had mentally stepped away and let them fight among themselves. Now, my thoughts have room to opened with creativity. I have ideas to relieve me of a very turbulent time in my life. I'm grateful that I treated myself with kindness, respect, care and I thought of myself as if I mattered inside and out. -CoolBreeze

Pablo said...

Dear Cool Breeze,

What a powerful post! Thank you for dropping by, reading and posting. I hope to hear from you again.

Good for you, not yielding to your vulnerabilities. I hope you have a supportive network that can uphold you as you go through transitions in your life.

I was impressed that you stayed true to your values. You placed them before your attachments, always the best thing to do.

Wishing you the best of friends and the serenity you seek and deserve.

Quotes from the Posts

"I'm mindful that our thoughts affect the words we use, our words influence our actions, our actions shape our character and our character determines our destiny."

From "My Character Determines My Destiny." To read it, please click here.

"Progress not perfection, is better than no progress at all, especially when we're trying to rid ourselves from unwelcome dragons that dwell within the closets of our soul."

From, "Still Learning" which, within four days, became the most popular post
written. To read it, please click here.

"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its trouble, but it does empty today of its strength"
From the post: "Life Is Not a Correspondence Program." Click here to read it.

"Even though we cannot control our circumstances, we can control how we choose to respond to them."

From, "Handling Stress and Dealing With an Emotional Bully."Click here to read this post.

"Nope, being busy isn't exciting. Boring is good. Because boring is not boring; boring is being healthy, living a balanced life that has serenity"

From: "Do You Know What It Means If You Are Too Busy?" For more, please click here.