Saying What We Want, Not Being Controlling......... 8/17/14

       An in-depth conversation with someone dear, for five hours and fifteen min-utes.

        During this difficult conversation I exercised a patience I did not know I had.  Stating what I wanted, I did.

       Like  having a thousand biting ants crawling up my legs and remaining still was it to be calm and quiet, while I listened. I resisted blurting out the confused thoughts exploding within my head. Instead, I allowed time for her to digest what I said.

A Spiritual Practice: Exercising Grace While Communicating 5/22/13

        I went to an Al-Anon Family Group (AFG) meeting.  This is not Alcoholics Anonymous.  Check the provided link for more information and greater clarity about AFG.

        AFG serves friends and family members of alcoholics.  At its gatherings, a person finds support and principles for the struggles encountered when relating with a problemed drinker. Members learn how to take care of themselves.  They discover the skill of detaching with love from drama.   It is an emotional and mental life saver.

Staying In the Solution
        The organization is not a place for dumping and running----pouring out our problems on attendees. That is not working the Al-Anon program.  Take a listen to this passage from One Day at A Time:

When I started in Al-Anon, I thought of meetings only as a place where I could unburden myself of my troubles.  But I soon learned that complaining about our oppressions and indignities only makes them loom larger and more disturbing.  

This became clear to me when I heard other members monopolize the  time and the attention of the group with indignant, woeful recitals of the alcoholic's misbehavior.  I see this was not "working the Al-Anon program." [emphasis, mine] I am learning to put the shortcomings of others out of my mind and think constructively about putting [recovery] ideas to work in my life. 

I [grow in my personal recovery] to get rid of self-pity and resentment, not to increase their power to destroy me. I go to learn how others have dealt with their problems, so I can apply this wisdom to my own life.   

"I ask God to keep me from magnifying my troubles by harping on them continually." 

Al-Anon Family Groups Headquarters Inc, One Day At Time In Al-Anon, Virginia Beach, 2000, 75

       This passage was written by Ann B., co-founder of Al-Anon Family Groups.  It reflects the nature of this program.  Unfortunately, harping occurred tonight, by someone new to this meeting.

Focusing On Principles, Not Other Programs

         On top of that, another person mentioned stuff that Al-Anon does not allow.  She talked about her therapy.  That's not helpful.

         This is not sharing our Al-Anon story.  When attending AFG, we speak Al-Anon.

The relatives [and friends]when gathered together for mutual aid, may call themselves an Al-Anon Family Group, provided that, as a group, they have no other affiliation (italics mine).  The only require-ment for membership is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend.                                                 Tradition Three of Al-Anon Family Groups

This tradition helps us to guard against the confu-sion that results when we allow our program to be diluted. Al-Anon's Twelve Steps and Traditions, (New York: Al-Anon Family Groups Headquarters, Inc., 1981) 99

Tradition Three explains two ways in which my Al-Anon Friends and I can "keep it simple."  One is to avoid being diverted from our program by others and two, is to welcome into Al-Anon Family Groups, anyone who is suffering from the effects of another's alcoholism.  Both are perfectly clear.  They give me an answer to those who think it would help if the group were to concentrate on problems which are not related to alcoholism, or, mistakenly feel a new-comer should be rejected when, actually, he or she does meet the condition for membership.                     Al-Anon's Twelve Steps and Traditions, 101. 

      After the meeting, I spoke with the person who discussed her therapy.  My concerns were expressed respectfully.  Gently, I shared.

      I requested adherence to Tradition Three.  "I understand," she said.  I'm thankful.

      Her response allows the group to maintain integrity with basic Al-Anon principles.  I'm grateful for the open communication and understanding we shared.  I expressed my needs.

      Her reaction was not my focus.  If it was, I would have been manipulative.  Instead, I shared what was alive in me, what troubled me.

      I'm grateful she understood what troubled me. (Courage to Change, p. 310)

Life Is Our Spiritual Practice
      I see attending tonight's meeting was a spiritual practice.  Even though weary---physically from my all-day adventure cycling in Yosemite yesterday, and my lack of sleep, operating on four hours of sleep, for two days in a row---I practiced patience. .

      Many times, during a conflict I could act out and be petulant.  I could rationalize it is my right when offended.  However, it would not be in my best interests.  While it might feel good for the few seconds,  the results are typically disastrous in the long term.

      I'm thankful for placing principles above my personality, and the positive results derived when I govern my feelings. 

Handling Conflict with Grace and Some Questions for YOU 6/12/11

      Hey, let me know what you think of this video link from psychologist John Townsend. He's an author I respect. To see it, click here.

Questions I have for you: 

1. What do you do, to resolve conflict?

Reflections As Another Year Passes: Grateful for a Satisfying Life. (Also more questions from the innkeeper.) ...........................................5/23/11

      Welcome to the visitors from Indonesia, Malaysia and Germany. Now, it's time for me to fess up. This upcoming Saturday is my birthday. Part of my growth as an adult is letting others know the date. Keeping it a secret was my MO. I've gotten beyond that. Now, I celebrate the day I entered this world with others. I'll spend this upcoming Saturday with some of the gang that I mention in this blog. All three sons will be with me along with

Expressing Feelings Part II 5/20/11

        It great when we express our feelings in a way that's constructive, helpful and affirming while still taking care of our needs. Ongoing practice of these skills helps if they are to become a regular part of our life.  We want to be mindful that:

      1. Often what we think of as expressing our feelings is really a judgment.  Example: " I feel you are disrespectful."   That's more a statement of what we believe

Gratitude: A Matter of Perspective...... 5/15/11

           Life is good. I've discovered over the years that joy has NOTHING to do with external details. I can have it regardless what job I have, car I drive, the size of my home or how much I have in the bank, who loves me or who doesn't. .  In spite of difficult circumstances, I can still bump into joy, along with serenity and tranquility. What liberty, tranquility and joy I experience when I'm freed from external referenting.  Yes, that's a word. I admit, a big portion of my happiness is due to my relationship with God, more about that, in a minute. 

         But, partaking in an Attitude of Gratitude involves perspective, too.  I partake of it when I  choose to stay in the present, versus dwelling upon the darker moment of my past or fearing----being anxious----about possible future difficulties.  The present is where we are---always!!


        I'm thankful for knowing God’s forgiveness, and grace.  I delight in knowing that I'm in a loved position with God. This close, loving relationship does NOT change----even when my thoughts or behavior is less than the standards God has set for me. Now, that is a mind-blowing concept. 

       One of my favorite posters says, 'Life is a test. It

       is only a test.Had this been a real life you would

       have been instructed where to go and what to do;
       Whenever I think of this humorous bit of  wisdom,
       it reminds me to not take my life so seriously.

      Richard Carlson, Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff, p85.

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My gratitudes for today:

1.  I had a run in today with someone who struggles with rage and raged upon me. I have compassion for this person. I'm also thankful that I didn't cause his rage. He had it way before I ever met him.  I'm glad that I've learned that I am to be responsive to, but not responsible for, the emotions of others.  I can't tell you how liberating it is to not be manipulated by the emotions of others.(For more about dealing with an emotional bully, click here. )

    Other people's emotions are their property and my emotions are mine. To feel responsible for another person's emotions is a serious crossing of boundaries, ours and theirs.(For more about this, please click here.)

2. I'm glad that I don't get as triggered by the negative emotions of others. I was able to take care of myself. A serene day was had.  Really. There's a proverb that says to stay away from an angry person or you'll learn his ways. That's what I did this morning. 

    I actually said to this agitated person, "I never gave you permission to condemn me and I'm asking you to stop judging me." I said this calmly, Next, I extricated myself from this person.

3. It's wonderful knowing I'm powerless over the history that other people bring with them, including the pain that is involved with it. I also know that I will not allow myself to be anyone's emotional punching bag. There's a saying I've shared elsewhere:

"If you feel like  doormat, you need to get up off the floor." 

        For me, that statement brings a smile and a chuckle, but it's still true. I love the fact, that a I learn to stand  by my personal principles, stand in my power and live by my integrity, I enjoy a freedom and joy that I never experienced as a young man. My friendships are richer and more harmonious because, we get what we tolerate and we train people how to treat us.

          Let me know what you think. Look at the following link if you want to know if you're dealing with an emotional bully. Click here. Although this link refers to a woman as the bully, the same holds true if it's a guy. 

                       The guy from the Left Coast,

Acceptance and Difficult Others 4/17/11

In a previous post about acceptance, Thag said:

"Try doing having acceptance when your almost 8-year-old makes weekly mass an exercise in humiliation!"

     Dear Thag,
I imagine it must, at times, be frustrating, raising two young daugh-ters, especially if one is strong-willed.  I'm not sure your oldest is, but she might be.  Fortunately, none of mine were.  I lucked out.

     There was a time, when I fathered  three teenage sons. That season required grace and wisdom I often lacked.

     Fortunately, they've turned out to be three magnificent sons.  I'm thankful for God's help.  I did my best and left the results to Him.  I find the following quote from Marshall Rosenberg helpful, I hope you do, too:

'Everything is in a constant process of discovery and creating. Life is intent on finding what works, not what's right'       Margaret Wheatley

It may be best to not look for the "bad," "wrong," or devious motivation for our children [or anyone's,] behaviors.  Our children are only and always trying to meet their human needs.  I train myself to look beneath the behavior for the need they are trying to meet, addressing that. In this way I will get to the reason they are doing what they're doing, and I'll also be able to help them choose actions that better serve their needs.

'Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated, mis-takes are tolerated, communication is open, and rules are flexible.'  

 Virginia Satir states: Parents are sometimes afraid to empathize with their children out of fear that they will then have to 'give in' and give their child what they ask for.  However, empathy doesn't mean you agree to do anything your child asks. It simply means 'I care about what's going on with you.'

As we know, the message we send is not always the message received.

Sometimes when we make a request, we can pick up on verbal cues or body  language to determine that the message we sent was received the way we intend-ed.  But other times you can tell that whatever you said was "Greek" to the listener. 

To ensure a smooth exchange of information, try getting into the habit of asking the listener to reflect back what they heard you say.  They don't have to give a word-for-word recitation, but simply state what they think you said.  Incorporating this into your conversations, upsets and misunderstandings can be avoided.

It's important expressIng appreciation when your listener tries to meet your request for a reflection.  Answering with "That's not what I said" or  "You weren't listening to me" will have the opposite effect.  A simple, "I'm grateful to you for telling me what you heard, I can see I didn't make myself as clear as I'd like. Let me try again." No Greek there!

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A Helpful Practice

       I ask others if they can tell me what they've heard me say.  Reflecting back what I hear, helps, too. It removes confusion. Again, what is communicated may not be what is heard.

       How many of my readers would like to join me, in exercising reflection this week?  May it be a great and grateful one, as a result!

Related Post:

Responding, Not Reacting