Saying What We Want, Not Being Controlling......... 8/17/14

       An in-depth conversation with someone dear, for five hours and fifteen min-utes.

        During this difficult conversation I exercised a patience I did not know I had.  Stating what I wanted, I did.

       Like  having a thousand biting ants crawling up my legs and remaining still was it to be calm and quiet, while I listened. I resisted blurting out the confused thoughts exploding within my head. Instead, I allowed time for her to digest what I said.
       This person is worth it, more than anyone.  When with this individual, I die by degrees, emotionally.  It's a good death.

     The challenge is good, like taking chemistry, physics, Classical Greek, Latin or calculus.

        I was prepared for our conversation.  I expressed my feelings and wants.  Most people settle for less than what they want.

        Most fear rejection or the anger of another.  It makes them hesitant to assert their desires.

        The question for most people is, "What do I want?" but they don't consider their needs when in conflict.

        I know my answer.  I am aware of my wants----what fulfills me.

        I sought honesty, authenticity, and joy.  I received each in full measure.  And then some.

        I didn't think I would.  I did not plan it would turn out that way.  When present, we do NOT manipulate outcomes, we discover them.

       Manipulating outcomes is being controlling.    If we do, we're usually operating from fear.  It is better, knowing our needs and feelings when facing uncertainty.

       We want to pause. Pausing gives us the space to consider better responses.  It helps us surf life's waves.

       When we are aware of what is happening in the moment---by pausing---we are no longer lost in it.

       When relating, this means discovering the outcome when processing conflicts.  We want to be relaxed, comfortable in our own skin, resilient.  As possible as swimming with lead boots, is it being resourceful, when gripped with insecurity, or self-judgment.

       We aren't present when preoccupied with fear or the need to please---when we are codependent.

       We want to avoid the grip of this placating disease---wanting the approval of others. The bells, whistles and smoke of our insecurities prevent us from perceiving reality clearly.  We avoid interpreting what is happening from the scarred, Hunchback of Notre Dame of our wounded soul.

         Better is being present, seeing what we can do to comfort our fears. When we name what confronts us, it calms our reptilian mind, our limbic system.

        Pausing gives us a a better sense of balance, greater sense of well-being. Our executive functioning improves.  We draw from our personal strength and confidence.

        Healthy principles replace our default modes that don't serve us, like passivity or self-blame.

       The key is adhering to healthy principles. This is better than manipulating.  Being controlling does not meet our needs---at least successfully, or in an enriching way.

       Even if we achieve our goals, while being our crass selves, we cheapen whatever outcome we get.  Good fruit does not come from the bad tree of manipulation.

       When we control others, we decrease the likelihood the other individual will maintain goodwill.  Having been duped, is also less likely they will want to cooperate in the future.  Most people won't.

       Many yield to abusive predators, pushy others. They want approval, to please.  Predators smell victims through lead.  Better is saying what we feel.  We let dominant people know what we accept.

       With recovery, we let them know we do not accept unacceptable behavior. We inform them what the consequences will be if they step over our values. When we adhere to our boundaries, abusive people leave us alone.

       In today's conversation, I did not explain or justify my wants.  There was no need to. That is trying to control an outcome.

       When we ask questions, we let the other person answer.  There was no anxiety about getting the responseI wanted.  I simply desired her reply, whatever it was.

       When I made my requests, there was neither anxiety nor fear.  I did not worry about what could happen.  Usually worries have no basis in fact.  Threats were not used.  Not my style.  (You know me better than that.) Threats are a form of control.  We are not expressing what we really want. We are also not not vulnerable, present, conscious or aware.

       Present, conscious and aware people look for similarly spirited individuals.  If that is the type of people I want to have as part of my supportive circle, I need to be that.  And was---today---as I am, usually.

        What else did I want during today's visit?  How about this: I wanted our conversation uncensored, going wherever it meandered.  She explained areas that previously confused and hurt me. Not now.  With the clarity she provided, I understood where we stood.  We laughed, were vulnerable and delighted in one another's presence.  Can't beat that.

        And I am one lucky guy. I also believe we create our own luck.  The harder we work, the luckier we get.  I have worked intensely---4-8 hours, daily, the first 4 years, [getting up for at 4:00 a.m., for  four hours study each morning, before work] three hours daily now--on my recovery, for over ten years.  We reap what we are willing to sow.

My Gratitudes:
1.  I love life, happy about the freedom I have because I am honest in my relationships with others. I enjoy living with integrity, presence and transparency, free to be my true self.
2.  I am thankful for knowing how to be honest with another while still being considerate and gentle towards that person.   I like the bond I have with others, a result of the honest relating we share.
3. I love the relationships I have.  They are devoid of manipulation. None are narcissists. My friends are not manipulators. Not one. (We get what we tolerate.)
4.  I am glad I am not passive, nor tortured by doubt.  I am thankful for the confidence I have because I live by Al-Anon Family Group recovery principles.
5.  I love freedom from artifice, that I have friends where we share emotional safety, intimacy, love and reciprocity.
6.  I am grateful for being able to serve others through the work I do.