Sunday, August 3

The Innkeeper Was Duped: Lessons Learned............ 8/3/14

       My life is better than it was ten years ago.  Better than a month ago.  Better than a week ago.  The nice thing is that with each new day,  my life becomes more how I want it to be.  Can't beat that.

        Years ago---more than ten---my understanding of life was
cerebral.  Poor me, I was that stupid.  :->  Life was devoid of the joy and excitement that happens when we are in touch with our felt-sense, that part of that makes us feel alive, emotionally.  I knew about boundaries going back to
1990, after studying Cloud and Townsend's seminal book on this subject in that year.  For Pete's sake, I taught from that book for nine years, while working in a sub-acute psychiatric hospital.

       But like much of my academic learning, and professional training, the results of my studies were gobs of information tucked in my mind, not in my heart. It's only when we connect with life at the heart level, the felt-sense level, that we find vibrancy, wisdom and our emotional well-being is tended to, healed and restored.

       What has changed?  Not my circumstances.  Nope.  I have.  Discernment is now mine.  I speak my truth while being kind and courteous at the same time.  I have inventoried areas in my life needing growth.  I replaced inadequate habits with new and better alternatives, allowing me to enjoy a happier life.  When angry, I engage in emotional archeology, digging beyond my negative feelings.  I unearth the need which isn't met, doing whatever I can to have it fulfilled, so that I am not frustrated.

       And yet, in spite of all I know, and have practiced, I was duped for three years, until this past April by someone I liked, trusted and mentored.  The signs were there. I simply didn't want to see them.  The fellow was kind, warm and funny.  Being present, authentic, honest, is more important than charm. He was charming and I was misled.

       Mentoring him was leaves without roots, form without substance.  Not an authentic relationship.  Bitter pills of reality I have swallowed the past two months, as I realized what transpired.  I was duped.  Being played, I don't like.  Sincerity is a quality I require when relating with others.  And here I related with this fellow for three years, oblivious to the emptiness in our relationship.  Sincerity lacked in abundance.

My Gratitudes Regarding This Circumstance: 
1.  I have forgiven myself.  Gentleness towards myself is key to emotional vitality.
Condemning my imperfections has never enhanced my appreciation of life or helped me to love myself more.   Courage To Change, p. 19
 I am thankful for demonstrating grace towards myself, not kicking myself for being such a fool.
2.  I am wiser.  I have been vividly reminded through my recent disappointment, that, when relating with another, check in, frequently.  I need to make sure that what I perceive is accurate.  I now realize I was relating with a controlling person, albeit a smooth one.  One sign of being controlling is managing or manipulating another person to behave in a way that serves your interests, not theirs. 

     I was controlled.  Plain and simple.

3.  I will make sure, when with others, to say what I feel or want. I shall also be sensitive, probing the wants and needs of those who make up my community of friends.  To avoid expressing my needs is being controlling.  I do not want to see the true nature of the friendship. I am not being present.

     I am attempting to prevent an unwanted outcome, often by passivity. I am hiding my head in the sand, not wanting to see the truth.  I may be avoiding rejection or encountering an answer to an ugly truth I don't want to notice.  I am thankful for the wake up call from my former mentee.  I need to relate, be present, with all those who are important in my life.   Relating leads to trust and openness between myself and others.

    In that environment intimacy can grow.

     May you have a great and grateful day.  I know I will!

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Quotes from the Posts

"I'm mindful that our thoughts affect the words we use, our words influence our actions, our actions shape our character and our character determines our destiny."

From "My Character Determines My Destiny." To read it, please click here.

"Progress not perfection, is better than no progress at all, especially when we're trying to rid ourselves from unwelcome dragons that dwell within the closets of our soul."

From, "Still Learning" which, within four days, became the most popular post
written. To read it, please click here.

"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its trouble, but it does empty today of its strength"
From the post: "Life Is Not a Correspondence Program." Click here to read it.

"Even though we cannot control our circumstances, we can control how we choose to respond to them."

From, "Handling Stress and Dealing With an Emotional Bully."Click here to read this post.

"Nope, being busy isn't exciting. Boring is good. Because boring is not boring; boring is being healthy, living a balanced life that has serenity"

From: "Do You Know What It Means If You Are Too Busy?" For more, please click here.