Friday, March 6

Five Steps That Kill the Giant of Depression, and, Our Ideal Self Isn't, Part II.............. ...................3/6/15

       Do you find Giant of Depression chasing you?  

        Many suffer from this disturbing situation.  Frequent-ly, dealing with an abusive or negative person causes this monster to appear.  This beast contributes towards sleep problems, too. 

        Not to mention additional anxiety, and havoc upon the mind. This behemoth clobbers our self-image, moving us towards ongoing negative self-judgment.  Due to poor self-esteem and lacking boundaries, we believe we deserve life's difficulties.

       Thoughts like, "Bad things happen to bad people.  Look at the problems I am going through.  There must be something wrong with me."   

       Not true.  We never deserve abuse. 

       Abuse declares the character of the victimizer, not us.  Taking mistreatment personally frequently the response of many, if we lack a recovery perspective. 

      A basic human right declares every-one deserves dignity and respect.  These qualities are not earned.  They are a right for all.  Only trust requires us earning it with our behavior.  

      Put downs and constant criticism reveals the character of the critic.  They have a control issue.  The following actions counteract psychological, emotional and verbal abuse.

1.  Taking care of ourself.  Exer-cising regularly.  It discharges stress.  Many of my clients have learn the healing power of hitting a futon with a stick, riding a bike, jumping a rope or going for a  walk of two hours.

     Eating nutritious food, bed-ding down earlier can become ways of nurturing ourselves.Treat-ing ourselves strengthens our soul.  Luxuriating in a bubble bath, enjoying a live concert, seeing a movie with a friend,  hitting a bucket of golf balls at a driving range can become invigorating ways of tending to the welfare of our spirit,  we are investing in our mental and emotional well-being while encountering life's challenges.

     Frequently, we forego nurturing ourselves, when stres-sed.  We don't have the time. When chal-lenged emotionally or mentally, this de-mands us being at our strongest.  We make this more pos-sible by taking care of Numero Uno.   We are the only person on earth who can make our welfare our number one priority.  If we don't, no one else will.

2.  Express yourself, speak your truth in an encouraging envi-ronment.  Resilient people are known for keeping good com-pany, having a sup-portive network that undergirds them when they are chal-lenged within or without.
  Often, abusers try isolating us from family, friends, any-one who can offer strength, be it emo-tional or spiritual.  They do this to force us to depend on them.  I encourage people to try Al-Anon Family Groups. This fellowship helps whether you are relating with an alcoholic or not.  Seeing a counselor helps, too.

3.  Express yourself, internally.  Journal. Write it out.  Some-times, like Flannery O'Connor said, we don't know what we have to say until we start writing.  Emo-tions, thoughts and creative images often flow from pen as it caresses paper.  I use a fountain pen. It allows feelings to express themselves dramatically with thick and thin lines.

4.  Use boundaries, frequently.  The word "No" helps us separate from the demands and expectations of others.  No doesn't mean we are selfish, rude, or mean.  It simply indicates we have a different priority
 than the person mak-ing the request. 

   "No is a complete                 sentence.  We               have a right to 
     refuse without             explanation."                 Hope For Today, p 220

      If working with boundaries remains a fuzzy subject, cre-ate clarity by having a "Must Haves and Can't Stands" list for your relationships.  Write down you must have when connecting with others and what you will not tolerate.  When someone violates either list, your boundaries have been crossed.
5.  Be gentle towards ourselves, mindful that...
"Condemning my im-perfections has never enhanced my appre-ciation of life or helped me to love myself more."       Courage to Change, 19.
        This includes two important actions.

      First, forgiving ourselves. No one ex-hibits per-fection.  When we are compas-sionate to-wards our vulnerabilities, they can surface and be worked upon . This allows healing and transforma-tion.  But if our Ideal Self condemns the weaker parts of us, these parts of us will retreat, not ever experiencing the healing they need.
      What does this tell us? This demanding version of our ideal self, re-mains far from ideal.  It inhabits us as a never satisfied tyrant.  A preferred Ideal Self always has patience, reveals itself as loving, gentle, and full of compassion.

       A preferred Ideal Self displays graciousness.  A better Ideal Self does not react negatively when we make mistakes.  It does not condemn our frailties.  Instead, it supports us.  It cheers us on when we take steps overcoming areas needing growth.  Judg-ment and blaming has no part with our genuine Ideal Self.

       Secondly, being gentle towards ourself means we put ourselves on the top of the list of those we need to make amends with. Some examples of doing this: 
a.  Ridding ourselves of behavior that no longer serves our best inter-ests.  To continue them not only hurts others, but us, too.
b.  Saying no. often, frequently, whenever we can.  This protects us.  It's about time we take care of our needs, not letting our desire to please others to overrule our desire for sanity and serenity.
c.  Admit-ting when we make a mistake.  "An admis-sion of er-ror is a sign of strength rather than weakness" Goethe tells us.  Our personal growth involves realizing we are not what we do.  We are lova-ble simply for who we are, regardless of the criticism received from abusers and those who do not appre-ciate us.
d.  To allow others to have their feelings without be-ing triggered by them.

       If we take the action listed, we easily descend from the beanstalk that led to the Giant of Depres-sion, that chased us for all these many years.

May you have a great and grateful day.  I know I will!
       The Innkeeper

4 comments:

Superman said...

Dear Innkeeper,
I enjoyed this post very much. I drew a parallel between your last statement of letting others feel and letting our Ideal self condemn ourselves.
I feel that a lot of the times that I have difficulty communicating with others is because I personalize my faults as shameful. Shameful for being inadequate, not understanding my vulnerabilities, my humanity, instead of seeing that the other person is being vulnerable when they are sharing their feelings as well. A great opportunity to share and connect! Just working on distinguishing between thinking vs. feeling. More gentleness toward myself perhaps...
Thank you,
-CK

Pablo said...

Dear Superman,

Thank you, for dropping by and your honesty. I am in agreement with you. We want to stay with what we are experiencing, including in our body, and not flee from it, by using our thoughts. When in our head, often we believe what we are assuming,interpreting or assessing to be true.

It is through feeling, that we get our healing, so we want to know what is going on in our body.

When we see an area of weakness, within ourselves, instead of kicking ourselves with shame, we can take the view that we are getting healthier. We are aware of an area that can provide growth---as we apply healthy alternatives---that at one time we could not see. That's a good thing!

I appreciate you being present with me in your comments and keeping me company tonight.

The Innkeeper

Thumper said...

Dear Pablo,

What an excellent post. Someone dear to me is experiencing bullying and it is not the first time. My heart aches as I remember going through the same thing. It is helpful to know that it is not about us, but about the abuser. It is a statement about them, not about us. I am acting as a balcony person of support for this individual, reminding him of these important statements that you often wisely impart to all of us reading your blog. I also shared the insight I have learned about taking care of oneself when these situations plague us. Luckily, this person took my advice and showed signs that he was taking steps for self care. I was happy and relieved to see this. What an important reminder to all of us during bad times.

Dina Toyoda said...

It's so hard to do a right thing, like taking care of ourselves or admitting that we are wrong... Basically, we sabotage our well being by giving in to the "Giant of Depression" or other "enemies", lurking in our sub-conscience. Reading a post like that reminds me of the duty I have: to be honest and gentle to myself, so that I can be most helpful to others.

Quotes from the Posts

"I'm mindful that our thoughts affect the words we use, our words influence our actions, our actions shape our character and our character determines our destiny."

From "My Character Determines My Destiny." To read it, please click here.

"Progress not perfection, is better than no progress at all, especially when we're trying to rid ourselves from unwelcome dragons that dwell within the closets of our soul."

From, "Still Learning" which, within four days, became the most popular post
written. To read it, please click here.

"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its trouble, but it does empty today of its strength"
From the post: "Life Is Not a Correspondence Program." Click here to read it.

"Even though we cannot control our circumstances, we can control how we choose to respond to them."

From, "Handling Stress and Dealing With an Emotional Bully."Click here to read this post.

"Nope, being busy isn't exciting. Boring is good. Because boring is not boring; boring is being healthy, living a balanced life that has serenity"

From: "Do You Know What It Means If You Are Too Busy?" For more, please click here.

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