A Helpful Thermometer of People's Character 9/4/17

Now they are lemon flavored, not lime

   The other day I spoke with some-one.

    Not using discre-tion, and being unwise, I said something that made her feel awk-ward. (I bet you would like to know).  She stopped me.

     "I want to be

Being A Swami Not Our Job, 2nd Edition ............ 8/9/17

A great way to avoid etching lines in your
 face requires being internally referented. 

      We don't exper-ience an interpreta-tion.
     We imagine them.  Presence requires speak-ing our feelings without inter-preting. Stating our concerns, wants, and perspective  without  judgment   or presumptions  lets others know the real us.

     These authentic words will be more likely heard and felt by friends than control-oriented pro-nouncements. We hurt the relation-ship when we say,
"Oh, you are doing this because..."  Or, "I feel attacked." Or, "Once again you are ignoring me."

        All these statements are faux feelings.  They create judgments about the other person's behavior, not really a statement about our emotions. 

       We do not know what another person thinks.  Nor do we know what transpires within the mind of others. 

        Judgments and assumptions create Life Alienating  Communica-tion (LAC).  LAC drives wedges in relationships. Treating an individual this way demonstrates disrespect.
        When we judge we overlook the other person's need for digni-ty or equality.
        Being present motivates others to listen.  We eliminate our "mind chat-ter" and judgments.  Instead, we say what we feel.  We eliminate interpret-ing, being swayed by our imaginings.

                                                          

                                                           An Example of Being Present

      One recent Sat-urday, I had a mar-velous time with an articulate, smart, fit, attractive woman, a decade younger than me.  We went to the Fairmont Hotel in San Francisco.
        I showed up in a suit, vest, and tie. She filled out a gown, wearing a necklace and high heel shoes, to boot.  Not a common arrange-ment nowadays.
        We listened and delighted in a favorite artist of mine, Eric Shifrin. 

        He does with the piano keys what a Las Vegas dealer does with playing cards--a dazzling display of artistry.  Eric is a  jazz pianist who thrills the ears of those dining and drinking at the Laurel Court Restau-rant located within the hotel.  When he plays, you want to be there.

      One of my favorite exper-iences is yielding as he caresses my ears with music.  While there, I put a hand on his shoul-der, visiting with him as he played the grand piano, in the center of the room.
        We've known each other for fifteen years. He  said he was performing at the hotel for the next two weeks.  The idea of seeing him perform next week had me on cloud nine.
        My date agreed to see him again in six days, the following Friday.
        That Friday, I got ready, donning a different suit and tie.  I called my lady friend, letting her know I would drop by in a few minutes.

In this case, I'm referring to the
last two qualities stated here. 

     "I can't make it.  I am too tired from work.  I'm sorry," she said.
     "It disappoints, and angers me you waited until the last moment to let me know," I said.  "I need more sensitivity. If given a proper notice, I would have ar-ranged for someone to go with me.  I can't get anyone to go with me now."
        "I understand your exhaustion and I am frustrated," I continued.  I need consideration, sensitivity, and better communication when we re-late. Next time, I insist on being informed much sooner when you change  your plans." She agreed

.

         I modelled being present.  No judgments.  I stated what was going on within me.  No interpretations, assumptions or conclusions about her.
       When we are present, we connect with what we sense and feel when with that person.  We authentically express our feelings without judgement.  When we do, bonding takes place.
        Rifts become mended, the relationship can heal and forgiveness blossoms.
       That occurred on another occasion, too.  I had a difficult conver-sation, crying three times.  But, I was real.

      The next day, cycling with my son, I was emotionally cleansed, as if awakened from the coffin of despair.  My im-passioned vulnerability the previous day helped me soar from a bank cloud of turbu-lent feelings churned by the intense conversation.  It helped me emerge into a clearing of sanity and seren-ity.
       Being present and vulnerable provided me with peace of mind.
       I was happier, too. In my body and spirit, I was.  I was not in my mind, the old unhelpful refuge I ran to when mistreated as a little boy.

      What made this possible?  When the trauma happened, in that painful conversation, I was present.  I expressed my anger and resent-ment.  Quietly.  Tearfully.  Respectfully, but honestly.
       I was true to self.  I was not the nine-year old Pablo.  I was not panicking, stuffing the anger or resentment I felt within.

       It was fulfilling.  I was with someone who respected my authenticity.
       When we do not interpret or judge others, they will more likely listen.  They will not be defensive.  Why?  Be-cause we are saying   what we heard them say instead of why we think they said it.
        It's not our job, be-ing a swami.
        Our imaginings do not become a crystal ball, allow-ing us to judge.  We can be entirely wrong with our inter-pretations.  We are not God.
        We don't know the heart---the motives---of others.  As much as we assume we may, we do not know what another person thinks.  We dem-onstrate arrogance, if we believe we do.

We want to stop judging

         Judgments also harm us when we apply them towards those who have harmed us severely.   Often, their behav-ior had nothing to do with us.  It wasn't because we were bad, deserving mistreat-ment.
         Their actions were the result of baggage they had before we were ever around, a result of their insecurities.
         We are angry because of our interpretations, the men-tal static that bombards our minds.  When that occurs, we are not responding to what happened.  These negative thoughts and emotions may make us feel wronged but righteous.

     We are stirring up misery, harboring bitterness within.  Where is the growth in that?  Living by our interpretations validates the story in our head. And it can be entirely wrong.
        It may be as genuine as a wooden nickel.
        Authenticity sets us free from self-imposed misery.  Being in touch with what we are experiencing---our feelings, and needs---allow us to live in reality.  Being genuine involves speaking our truth calmly, without fear.
        We say our no as gently as our yes.  Experiencing authenticity allows us to know equanimity and healing.   And a peace of mind that can be gotten no other way.

Gentleness Towards Self=Enjoying Life Fully................ 8/20/16

    I'm awake.

    It's 2:05 in the morning.  Why am I alert?  I ran eight miles this evening.  I am ener-gized by the exertion and in a good mood, too.

     I have not posted a list of gratitudes in a long while.  Here they are:

1.  For the growing patience I have towards myself.  I am already patient with me.  Re-covery reveals the value of

Speaking Our Truth, Why We Don't............... 7/2/15

         Saying what we want.

         How difficult it can be. Fearing the reactions of oth-ers. It makes us feel like walking on egg-shells.  

        Wanting to please, we have a false belief.   We think our needs are less important than others. We are not honest.

       We agree---outwardly. Yet in-wardly, we protest.  We do not state our opin--ions---what we want or do not want.

      We comply. Inside, we fume. Being authentic is hard.  

     Often, we fear rejection if we are. We dread disapproval. Expressing our feelings and wants doesn't happen.

    We fear ruining the relationship.

    Big question. What type of relationship is it if we can't be honest? Is it worth having? I say no.

        Not express-ing our true selves does not let others know the real us. Nobody's needs are met. How empty is that?

        Our need for connection and closeness is not met. Intimacy---to know and be known is not satisfied. The need for others to under-stand us is neglected. 

       Relating genuinely with others---doesn't take place.

      The ancient Greeks used masks in plays. The classic tragedy and comedy masks we know. They indicated a performer's role.

       Built within were megaphones, ampli-fying the character's voice. This is where the mask got its name. Personna.

       Per---meaning through. And Sona, referring to sound. The personna was the image a character portrayed while "sounding" through a mask.

      This is the source for the word "person." More than 2,700 years later, it re-mains true. Many people continue to speak through a giant mask, not revealing their true selves.

      We say, "I'm fine," when asked how we are. While the fact is we aren't. Our relationships are as tasty as shredded wheat.

     That is an insult to shredded wheat. That fiber-filled cereal is tastier than insincere, inauthentic relationships.
     

      Today, I was honest. I was angry with someone. This person had not seen me this way.

       A rare occurrence. However, there was no mask. I said what I wanted. I expressed what I didn't like and what irritated me.

       It.  Felt. Good.

      There's nothing wrong with anger. It's how we express it that's important. We can be intense without being frightful. With strong emphasis, I stated my feelings without judgment.

       This required noticing the judgments and seeing where I blamed others for my feelings.  

       Instead, I took responsibility for my emotions. Our feelings are our property. No one can make us angry, sad, happy, or have any other feeling without us giving them permission to do so. 

       In today's case, I removed the "shoulds" I had towards this person. I felt much better. I connected fully with the deeper needs underlying my negative feelings.
 

     I expressed the needs not being met. When I did, I felt immediate relief. It did not require the other person to change.

       I was now standing in my power and recovery. I was faithful to values I hold dear, acting with integrity. My life became manageable.

      How did I experience release? By expressing my feelings about my needs fully and with intensity. But I was not scary while angry with the person who upset me.

      I took responsibility for my feelings, not blaming her. I did this by expressing the depth of my emotions about my needs not being met. They were said without judging her.

     

      Because I did, the other person heard me. Thank God for recov-ery. I responded, not reacting. My needs to self-express and enjoy peace of mind were met. And for that, I have an Attitude of Gratitude.
Gratitudes: 
1. My life is richer beyond my imagination ever considered. I am thankful for all the blessings I enjoy.
2. I enjoy being present. I am not hampered by fear or anxiety. I love discovering where my relationships will go, not manipulating out-comes.

3. The nature and depth of my friendships. It satisfies my soul, con-necting with others, where loving, considerate honesty is matched with integrity, authenticity, compassion, and emotional safety.
4. I am happy helping people from different corners of the Earth. Yesterday with a client in Austin, Texas, and one in Reno, in addition to those I saw in person in San Leandro. Today, I had a session with someone in Bavaria.
5. I love the confidence that recovery offers. I love being free from codependency and the discretion/prudence recovery gives me. I am bathed with the garlic of recovery----it keeps emotional vampires away, freeing me from toxic relationships.

How About You? 
What are your gratitudes for today?

Trusting My Inner Self, My Intuition.... 8/25/14

       I am glad that I trust my intuition, wisdom God and recovery have given me.  I no longer accept unacceptable behavior or values.  I do not passively rely on the reactions---or passivity----of others to determine whether a circumstance disturbs me.  I trust my own

Being Authentic, the Distasteful Qualities of Being Controlling........ 6/25/14

      More than two months ago, I wrote about authenticity, versus being controlling.  I'll say more, tonight.  Control patterns arise whenever we are fearful about being:

Eliminating Judgment, Focusing on Growing Our Character ........ ...................5/14/14

"It is hard to practice compassion when we're struggling with our authenticity or when our own worthi-ness is off-balance."                       Brene Brown

Life Is Great
     Met with friends tonight.  We experienced a transition.  One person guided the group for the first time and did well.

       I enjoyed the naturalness of the meeting.  It is easy, getting angry.  Equanimity is the fruit enjoyed when we do the hard work of:
1. Placing principles above the vulnerable and diseased parts of our personality: passivity, depression, anxiety, anger. Codependency is when we surrender our opinions and values because we fear the anger or rejection of another.
2. Accepting the good with the bad. This requires restraining ourselves from living by black and white thinking.  It is easy to be quick at inter-preting events and others.
      There's a problem when we do.  We are being controlling and we are judging. We also are not relating, intimacy is not enjoyed.

      For nearly three years I lived with someone who was hyper-controlling. He told me what I was going to say before I opened my mouth.  At least it seemed that way.

      How sad.

    Tonight,  I was with others who were transparent and, authentic. Everyone was open about where they were growing or struggling. That was encouraging.

     This is what relating is all about.  It gives us hope for the future of mankind.

       Life has a way of shaking out.  Truth prevails when we exercise discernment.  Each week, our emotions gets stronger and healthier. Same is true about our character.

         With recovery, we can get healed from harm experienced as a child or young adult.  Adhering to healthy principles allows us not to surrender what we hold dear.  It is critical having our voice and expressing it. 

 Gratitudes: 
1.  Today, time was spent on research, preparing for upcoming sessions.  Day's like today I love,  I am an eternal student.
2.  This weekend I received lovely photos from a loved one.  I enjoy connecting with others.
       The pictures made my week, month and  the first half of this year.
3.  Visitors from around the world, especially from Ireland, the UK, India, Russia, Moldova, Sweden, Spain and Germany.  Thank you, for dropping by.  Welcome!  I'd love hearing from you.
4.  This weekend, I sang for the first time in years. A cappella. (My guitar has a broken string and I didn't have a piano handy.)  Two songs. Wow. I used to be a professional musician. A person who heard me sing didn't get sick, so that's a good thing.  :->
5.  I had my best night of sleep last night. I feel better when rested.
How About You? 
What are three things that make your heart sing with gratitude?

     I'm exhausted; it's been hot the past few days. I'm calling it a night. I'll see you tomorrow.

The Beauty of Authenticity---A Partial Overview From a Tired Innkeeper ..................5/5/14

      Hi everyone.  Sunday, which just ended, was the best day I had all year.  Another day this week may replace it.  I'm expecting a fantastic gift, which will make my year.  In the meantime, I'm soaking in the wonderfulness of this day.  Oh, if you can't tell, I'm happy.

      Should I just be obvious and say it?  You have an idea as to what is going on with me.  I'm in love and this relationship is improving by the second.

The Beauty of Authenticity

      I'm happy that I have broken through the lid of my own self-imposed limitations. I say what is alive within me, what I feel, when connecting with

Friends vs. Acquaintances 2/4/14

This is Fremont, California, where I lived as a child.

       I'm thankful for friends.  In today's culture, the word "friend" is used frequently.  In most cases those listed as such are acquaintances, really.  I prefer in-the-flesh friends to cyber ones.  A digital smile from an internet friend doesn't compare to the warmth conveyed by a friend sitting next to me. 

             A friend is someone who is available, when we're

"Must Haves" and "Can't Stands" Create Healthy Relationships 9/3/13 356

“Gratitude is when memory is stored in the heart and not in the mind.”  Lionel Hampton.  Image: 

Cumbria: Great Gable by Tim Blessed.  Copyrighted, all rights reserved.  Used by his kind permission.

        We want friends who readily accept us.  

        We thrive when we have relationships that make us feel better. After spending time with them, we are revived.  We have these type of connections when using boundaries.  We want to keep relationships that are good for us. We avoid those that aren't.  

        Boundaries strengthen us. They filter out the unacceptable when relating. 

"Must Haves" and "Can't Stands"

        One source of boundaries is living by our list of "Must Haves" and "Can't Stands."  They winnow relationships.  Applying this list creates good friends. 

         We do not connect with those who drain us.  

         Whether it be joy, energy or hope.  The following list is a garland of garlic to wear around our neck.  It keeps emotional vampires away.  There is more information here, about Draculas who try invading our lives. 

       What does your list of "Must Haves" and "Can't Stands" look like? If we aim at nothing, that's exactly what we get.  How will you know if someone violates your boundaries if you don't know what they are?

        Some "Must Haves" that make friendships healthy: 

    1. Mutuality and equality. 

    Relationships need to be a two-way street.  If it isn't, that's a deal breaker.  Reciprocity has to be there.  I avoid relationships where I am an audience of one, where the other person only talks about himself.  I have to struggle to get a word in. 
    2. It is good having reciprocity with the vulnerability shared.  If we put ourselves "out there," they do, too.  To bond, it's important knowing their thoughts, needs and feelings, too. 
         
       One sign of intimacy: talking about what troubles us.  If we can't do that, the intimacy in that relationship is nonexistent. Sex without vulnerability in the relationship is not intimacy.  It is mutual exploitation. 

  3. When relating with people, I hang out with those who stay in the solution.  We'll mention the problem once.  After that, we'll talk about what we can do to counteract the troubling issue. 

       I need relationships that energize me, not enervate me. Complaining doesn't provide growth.  It only makes the problem loom larger and more disturbing.  I relate with those who know what they want.  They take healthy steps towards the life they envision. 

  "We get what we tolerate."

      Every time we use healthy principles to tackle challenges, we create a better today.  We look at our options.  We consider what we need to do to achieve and maintain serenity.  It's hard having strong character if we are morose. 

        I relate with those who are optimistic.  I cannot connect with those who have a defeated spirit.  I befriend those who are goal oriented. Those who sur-render to the demon of depression I avoid. 

4. I do not relate with emotional vampires. They are also known as narcissists, grumps or are con-stantly "poor me" victims. 

      Yes, it's fine, feeling negative feelings.  Grieving is important.  But, we must move beyond our consternation.  We want to take healthy steps that propel us toward our vision.  

      This is acceptance with recovery.  We are gracious.  Towards ourselves.  As we move forward, we apply positive alternatives. 

      We develop more choices when we bond with God.  This is also true when we derive support from our community of good friends.  They are our Balcony People. Which leads me to........

 5. I relate with people who value community, not those who isolate.

      Do you want the most out of life?  

      It happens when living in community with vibrant others.  We don't heal in isolation.  When left to ourselves, we usually perseverate.  We become OCD in our thinking. We stay in our head.  Unfortuanately, when we do that we are not living. 

      When I think, I am distancing myself from an experience.  When I feel, I am the experience. 

       We need emotional and psychological distance when confronting a challenge. It helps improve perspective. Discerning friends offer that.

       I have them.  However, growing a community takes time.  Mine is the result of cultiva-ting  relationships for years.  Good friendships require time and grace and discernment and commitment.  Excellent friends are the result of careful tending. 

      One gripe of mine, in cyber communities, Facebook in particular, we cheapen the word "friend."  Mine would die for me.  Would those on our Facebook list do that?

      No, they wouldn't and shouldn't.  What are termed as such,  don't have that depth of love, committment and mutual vulnerability. 

       According to this quote on the left, if we want in-depth friend-ships, we need to be one. We model what we want from our compan-ions. 

How About You? 
What are some "must haves" and "can't stands" that you want to apply in your life?  

I'm In An Area of Growth ................................6/7/12

Image: "Field and Country: New Wheat" by Tim Blessed.
 All rights reserved. Copyrighted material. 

       How are you?

This is an unusual time for me to post. A moment is available and I want to check in. The body is feeling a bit better. For those who don't know, my back has been in constant pain for several days.

        An interaction I had with someone recently left me not happy.  Needs for courtesy, respect, safety and celebration weren't met.  As I frequently point out in this inn, I prefer responding, rather than reacting to life. Reacting allows the jackal within me to have its day.  Never a good idea.

        I have zero interest in