A Helpful Thermometer of People's Character 9/4/17

Now they are lemon flavored, not lime

   The other day I spoke with some-one.

    Not using discre-tion, and being unwise, I said something that made her feel awk-ward. (I bet you would like to know).  She stopped me.

     "I want to be
present with you," she said.  She learned that from me. "I'm uncomfortable with what you said."

      It took a millisecond for me to understand her point.  The conver-sation was over the phone.

       Even though my face was flushed by her honesty, I said, "You are right.  I was wrong, for saying that."  For a half hour after the call, my heart was still pounding.  That can happen when we are assertively confronted.

*******

     Fourteen years ago, I was laid up in a hospital for a week.  I had been in excruciating pain the week before.  It was impossible, eating anything.

     Not even one crumb of bread could I eat while writhing in my bed during those seven days. If I did, the left side of my body had the worst cramps I had known.  I was in paroxysms of pain.

       That week, hours sped by like minutes.  I lost 22 lbs during that time.

      One possibility was I had pancreatic cancer.  If that was the case, I'd be a goner, dead within six months.

     I always wondered how I would feel if I knew my life was ending soon.   I found out during my stay in the hospital.  I was entirely calm, at peace.

     Happy, even. My life had been more than fulfilling, full of happi-ness, joy, and love.  I was ready for whatever outcome.

      During this ordeal, my three sons visited at the hospital. Though they tried to encourage, their faces betrayed the fear they had for my life.  My ex-wife was there, too.

      She was even kind.  Maybe because she was still the beneficiary of my life insurance policy.  "Hurry up and die, Pablo," she said.  (Just joking.)

      The serenity I had while with them was remarkable.  I was calmer than them.  (I'm not joking here.)

     While at the hospital for six days, I wore my street clothes every day.  Have you ever tried wearing a hospital gown?  I also sat at the little desk in my private room.

      I studied the books I brought, while attached to an IV.  It fed me. I could not take in food, not even water, because of the illness.

      Eventually, I was told the MRI re-vealed my pancreas was totally inflamed with a 6 mm. cyst.

      The IV provided relief.  It cleared my mind.  That was surprising because it fed me morphine.  Without the painkiller, I sweated pro-fusely, because of the intense agony.

      During the day, when the nurses entered my room, they were sur-prised.  I was sitting at the desk, dressed in everyday clothes.  I was in pain, the most intense ever felt.  But I preferred studying to laying in bed, letting my thoughts ramble.

       I would have gone crazy without lime sticks.  They were a triang-ular Styrofoam attached to a straw.  They released a lime flavor when I put one in my mouth.

       It was wonderful tasting something.  Sensing a flavor in my mouth was satisfying, heavenly.

*******

       Last Tuesday, when corrected, it felt like being in that hospital room again.

       Our responses reveal our character.  I was happy to see my reply to the person correcting me.  It was a moment of truth, once again.  My genuine inner self on full display.

        "I am excited," I said to her. "You are helping me to be a better person!"

         I asked, "What is your response to what I said?"

        She said, "I feel I can trust you. When I confront my husband, he gets defensive.  He dances around what troubles me.  You didn't."

He who corrects a scoffer [or fool] gets dishonor for himself,
And he who reproves a wicked man gets insults for himself.
8 Do not reprove a scoffer, or he will hate you, reprove a wise
man and he will love you.  Give instruction to a wise man and
9 he will be still wiser, teach a righteous man and he will in- 
crease his learning.         Proverbs 9:7-9

         This passage is a characterological thermometer.  It allows us to see what type of person we are when corrected.  It also helps us under-stand other people's character by their reactions when they are con-fronted.

         When corrected, we are foolish, if we put down the messenger of the correction.  We scoff at them.  We minimize or deflect their com-ments.

         The quote above reveals we are wicked---not at our best----when we become hostile.  We emotionally stab the person confronting us, we use cutting words.

         We attack the messenger.  We can't listen to their feedback, we get angry, defensive.  In our defensiveness, we try to make the bearer of difficult news back-pedal.

          We resent their comments.  When we do this, this passage says we are hating them.  We actively and negatively resist their difficult and correcting comments.

          But if we are open to the criticism of another, this passage says we are wise.  A wise person welcomes feedback from others.  They are not defensive.  They embrace negative realities, the difficult news.

   "Correct a wise man and he will love you."

           Wise people do not get defensive or huffy. 

            Some Signs of Being Controlling:
1.  Acting more knowing or in control than you really feel.
2.  Justifying our actions.
3.  Convincing yourself or the other that you are right.
4.  To play it safe in order to prevent an unwanted outcome.
5.  To manage or manipulate the other person to behave in a way that         serves your interest, but not theirs.
6.  To avoid feeling what you want or what you feel.
7.  To avoid saying what you feel or want.

           The wise individual is not controlling. The wise person is open-minded.  When corrected, the wise individual is now even wiser than he was five minutes before hearing the correction.

            Then we come to the epitome of characterological maturity.

            This is the righteous person, the individual who is emotionally mature and lives with recovery.  This individual does not just receive the correction.  He extrapolates.

            He sees how this correction is not only true in his relationship with the one confronting him, but how it is true in his relationships with others and in other similar circumstances.

            He increases his understanding.  He is open to correction.  He is not defensive.

          He is teachable.  This is a sign of a Safe Person.  Safe People grow.  Unsafe people don't change, they refuse to.  They are often defiant, or passive, or angry when corrected.

          When deciding with whom I want to invest my time, this is what I look for.  Is the person wise?   Does s/he show emotional maturity?  Are they willing to grow? Or are they defiant and get angry when corrected?

          I'll stick with the wise and righteous, as defined in this post.

          May you have a great and grateful day.  I know I will.