 |
"Put on the glasses of optimism and you’ll see a world of potential."
Image: "Countryside: Spring Crops" by Tim Blessed. Copyrighted photo. Used by permission. Quote by the photographer. |
1. God provided for me. I'm thankful for His abundance. I find comfort in knowing
that God is my provision. Sure, I do what I can, but ultimately He is in charge.
2. I received a wonderful surprise, tonight. Someone called me and said they wanted to support the work I do. That was unexpected. Wow. Gosh, even.
3. I enjoyed correspondence with several people today. This is one of the benefits of e-mails, they can be transmitted around the world within seconds. I cared how they were doing. It was lovely hearing from them. The openness and intimacy I have, when relating with healthy others, is very fulfilling.
4. Tomorrow, with friends, I'm going to the movies. Ya ay! It's good vegging out on occasion. You want to come along? You're welcome to join us, if you live in the Bay Area.
Living With An Emotional Bully
I'm relating these days with an emotional bully. Three days in a row, this week. My! I'm thankful that I have a firm stance, I was not rattled, due to the emotional strength I have because of Al-Anon Family Groups (AFG).
This organization is for friends and family members of alcoholics. Al-Anon is not a nickname for A.A, Alcoholics Anonymous. AFG has been an indispensable part of my personal growth. It has taught me how to interact with alcoholics and others who have behavior problems.
I don't have alcoholics in my family, thank God. Alcoholics are not just inebriated people, wasted by drinking. They can aggressive, bombastic, narcissistic, manipulative, manifesting alcoholic behavior, even if they are not drinking.
What I've learned in AFG also helps when relating with bullies, controlling people and perfectionists. That's quite a large swath of people that I interact with, in the course of the week and my work.
What I've learned from AFG helped me the past three days. The emotional bully didn't know what hit him when I told him I would not tolerate his vile words or degrading behavior. Even though I'm not triggered by this person's abusive behavior, it does not make the abuse something I will ignore. I need harmony and tranquility with those I relate with. I let him know his abuse will not be accepted and took steps to protect my emotional welfare.
For more about how to express ourselves and how to recognize and deal with an emotional bully, you may want to read this link and this one, too.
How About You?
How do you handle less than pleasant behavior that is directed towards you? I'm sure I can learn from you.
Posts
14 comments:
I lived thru a lfe threatening illness where the odds of me living to completely recover were lower than dying but I made it. I made it all the way to an Al Anon Family Group where a bully regularly makes me feel emotionally beaten & tells me what to do. She's a former leader who I believe is called a black belt. As a former kickboxer I don't appreciate that term being used for an emotionally abusive jerk. Especially at a place where I'm seeking peace & serenity.
Dear Anonymous,
I'm happy to hear about the success you had over your serious, life-threatening illness.
However, I'm sorry to hear about your bad experience, with that former leader while attending an Al-Anon Family Group meeting.
This is the first time I heard of a person described as black belt at an Al-Anon Family Group meeting.
Are there any other meetings you can attend? Your emotional safety is worth the extra effort it might take to go to meeting at different place.
Thank you, for your comments! I appreciate your honesty and authenticity. I'm thankful for you dropping by, reading and commenting. As the innkeeper of this inn I'm duly authorized to award you with the Attitude of Gratitude Award for this day.
If possible, I'd love knowing your name, that way, I'll recognize you when you drop by again.
Wishing you a terrific new week,
Pablo
Thank You! My name is SueAnn. I was hesitant to write before as I try to be a positive person. The friend who took me to Al Anon told me the bully at Al Anon is a black belt. She's been going for 13 yrs and has stated she involves herself in other people's business but is over that! I really enjoy the group, but yes I think there are others I should check out. I'm not intimidated just disappointed and a little offended as I am handling things according to the Al Anon way. I appreciate your support and kind thoughts which are very encouraging.
WOW in a rush to church I missed the award for this day- I am deeply honored & humble as there are so many beautiful souls here! I am so grateful for each moment of life, for your kindness and for the emotional bully because she brought me here and I feel new strength now. I have such a long list of joys each day brings. I hope to come back with it! I don't know yet how to express how touching my experience on this site has been. I feel safe & comfort as well as support. Blessings to all!
You're welcome, SueAnn,
Pleased to meet you! It's good remembering that those who go to Al-Anon Family Group (AFG) meetings didn't go there because they are healthy, that includes me, too.
But, I'm sure glad I did. If it weren't for AFG, I'd be a mess. It provided me with tools and principles that allow me to overcome the weak areas in my personality, due to growing up in a home that was less than best.
My depression went from a 12, on a scale of 1-10, to a .5, less than a one. And, for that, I'm the grateful and happy man that I am.
You might want to consider getting a sponsor, if you don't have one. Having one really accelerates our growth in overcoming unhealthy thinking and behavior.
Kudos to you, for using AFG principles to overcome disappointment! Wow. That's impressive. Really.
One principle that helps me is that "we get what we tolerate; another: "we train people how to treat us."
Last AFG principle, for good measure: "If I don't want to be a doormat, I have to get up off the floor." Courage to Change, p. 361.
If you have any questions, I'd love for you and other readers to fire away. I'll even share helpful passages from the AFG literature. I know the literature helps. It has improved my life.
Wishing you the best and glad to have you as a new guest to this inn of encouragement!
Pablo
Dear SueAnn,
I'm glad you are enjoying your stay here in the inn. May I introduce you to the different rooms of this inn?
First, take a look at the post on the Vision of this Inn. You can find it in right sidebar, under "All-Time Most Popular Posts."
Also, you are welcome to the warm, inviting library, there's even a fireplace in this room. You'll find this part of the inn in the inndex tabs above. Posts in this room are listed by category or alphabetically.
Lastly, please continue enjoying your dip in the pool of fellowship we share here.
I enjoy your visits, more than you know. I'm glad this inn is meeting your need for connection, fellowship and communication. This inn is richer because of your visits and that of others who post their comments.
May you have a great and grateful week, is my prayer.
The Innkeeper
Hello & thank you! I wish you good things this week, also. Your successful battle with depression is remarkable. I know that firsthand. I have dealt with severe depression as well as anxiety. It takes a strong will and inner strength. Unfortunately I was raised to expect poor treatment. Not anymore.
Adopting the AFG lifestyle is therapeutic. Thank you for your comments & quotes. Most were helpful, however, I may have been unclear.I am not on the floor or anywhere else where people can wipe their feet on me. I have to use self discipline because I can be very confrontational. It's an Irish thing. I repeatedly forced myself to quietly walk away from emotional bully Carrie. I
should have run! I detached instead.
I don't expect to be coddled, but don't need to be beaten down. I can do that myself. I try not to. It takes effort. Each moment of every day is a precious gift! I actively work on being a better soul, but make no mistake. I am VERY strong!
My doctors claim it's what saved me from certain death then again from severe disability. Inner strength works wonders. I just wanted to emphasize that just because the power above and within is quiet, it doesn't mean it isn't there.
Blessings for you & all the good you do! I love being here and reading everyone's stories and comments.
Hello to you again!
Your good wishes worked. I didn't know you were so powerful. I've had a terrific week and my baseball team is winning in the World Series.
I appreciate your honesty, it means alot to me.
In the book Courage to Change, p.104, we learn that we can say our "no" as gently as our "yes." As we grow in our recovery from relating with Alcoholics or being raised in homes filled with drama and turmoil, we learn how to respond and not react.
I'm impressed. Detaching is good. I'm glad to hear that you are able to stand in your own personal power and integrity. Few are able to, so I hope you give yourself credit. You might want to take a look at my other posts about dealing with emotional bullies and expressing needs, using nonviolent communication.
I'm impressed with you. That you have had the will to live, even when beaten down, physically, is fantastic!
Thank you for all your kind words. I'm always interested in suggestions for subjects that I can cover, here in the inn. If you have any, I'd love hearing them.
Blessings to you and your loved ones,
Pablo
Hello and apologies for my delayed reply. As a new Al-Anoner I still hadn't purchased the "Courage to Change" so waited til I could read p.104. The highest form of wisdom is kindness! I have to work on boundaries and responsiveness vs. reacting. After I switched AFGs the. bully began to show up at them. She read p. 104 and encouraged me! I thanked her. She has said she struggles with her habit to control in an attempt to fix things. She seems to know now how although she meant well that the way she presented her opinions wasn't right
I want to emphasize that I believe we are all powerful beings who often don't realize the depth of our own will. Everyone, not just me, has it in their own soul & from above to be amazingly strong when need be. I know firsthand this is instrumental to recovery and maintenence of oneself.
On July 20 a 2-inch aneurysm ruptured in a major artery of my brain. A hemorrhage followed as well as a hematoma (blood clot). A huge pop inside my head was followed by an episode that lasted about 2 seconds. I called out loud to God, feeling the need for help. Later, in a very disorientated state, I convinced myself that since I was alive I was perfectly fine. A cerebrovascular accident had happened to my Mom & she lived so of course I was ok. When I called my doctor to make an appointment he told me to go to the nearest hospital. I was flown to Cleveland and underwent emergency brain surgery, before which all I was concerned about was having my hair shaved off. I had no idea I should've been very concerned & might not survive the surgery. They discovered many serious complications, both common & rare. If I survived, some alone and all combined would cause a vegetative existence, coma, brain death &/or major disability. Instead I'm inexplicably making a complete recovery - the only patient my physical therapist has ever treated with the same cicumstances that is functional! I don't cry easily... I did to learn that & also for those less fortunate. The most important things I have as I heal are a positive attitude & the "highest power", The Man Upstairs.
Recovery from emotional bullying & self esteem issues resulting from the same would be relevant to many who work to maintain positivity which is so therapeutic! Even when the Tigers lose.
God bless you and yours!
SueAnn,
A hearty welcome back! I put off riding my bike, just to answer your comment.
Yep, that's a good quote, too, about the highest form of wisdom, also found on page 104 in Courage to Change. So are the encouragements to treat everyone with courtesy and kindness, even with those that we disagree with. Another page, now that you have that book, is page 277. It reminds us to have compassion. You might want to take a look at it, and pg. 303, too.
I'm struck that the Black Belt lady was honest with you about her controlling nature. Wow! It's important realizing that we didn't come to Al-Anon Family Groups because we were healthy. Nope.
Your story, regarding this past summer is amazing! Your Higher Power held you in His hands during this vulnerable time, and am I glad.
I'm also happy hearing about the remarkable story about your health. You certainly are a miracle! I'm definitely in agreement with you: attitude is critical for good health.
I hope you continue with your visits here---I'm certain you can share with us the gratitudes you have for your life.
I didn't know you were a Tigers fan. I bet you were disappointed they didn't even win one game in the World Series. Thanks for being a good sport, though. I appreciate you making my day when I first read your comments yesterday!
May your weekend be wonderful and blessed,
The Innkeeper
Hello Everyone, my name is Molly. I have been in Al Anon for 2 years now and am thankful for the sanity and serenity working this program has brought back into my life. I am thankful for this passage because it highlights a reoccurring situation in my life right now. I too have a bully in my home meeting who has become our current Secretary. She has 4 years in the program and a lot of wisdom to share in the meeting itself, but it's after the meeting that I find myself being targeted by her. She approaches me each time with one intent it seems, to interrogate me on my devotion to the Al Anon program. She questions me how many meetings I attend a week, tries to push me into a service position and runs down what Al Anon approved literature I 'should' be focusing on. I have only been to six meeting s with this woman as she just started coming to this group two months ago. My sponsor left the group because of this woman doing the same thing to her once. I love this meeting and refuse to let her ruin my serenity, so last night I told her I did not appreciate her pressure and to 'please stop'. I am trying to practice 'principals above personalities' in this situation but struggling. I know I need to be more clear with her to focus on herself and leave me alone, but it's like I get sucked instead in defending myself and explaining myself to her when none of that is necessary. I suppose that's why I keep coming back, to practice, practice, practice the tools I have learned in Al Anon, even when it's hard and uncomfortable.
Hello Molly,
Great to have you here! So glad you found this place and value in what I wrote. You might want to check out this
post, too. It's about dodging the raging bull of someone who's angry.
Another post about dealing with an intimidator is "Calmness In the Eye of the Emotional Storm."
Molly, I'm impressed. You are right on. Adhering to your principles is the way to go. I've learned that my growth happens when placing principles above MY personality, those parts of me that would be passive, if it weren't for recovery.
Please check out the Al-Anon Family Groups tab above. There are things written there that may help.
Feel free to ask questions. I'll happily give them my best shot. Hope to see you again!
I've lived with an emotional and physically abusive father...and It's been very strenuous, and hard to cope with the real world at times, but hopefully I will make it through this and learn how to cope with the real world. If I could even just get parts of me healed, because at this point I don't think that I can be fully healed with what I've gone through.
Dear Someone,
Hearing you say you lived with an abusive father, I felt sad, empty and hurt inside. I imagine you may have a lot of pain, the lingering effects of enduring mistreatment.
I am also happy that you dropped by and shared what is alive within you. I like your transparency and your ability to be vulnerable, here, at this inn.
Please ask questions, I would love being a support for you. There IS hope for you. One of the first steps is doing what you are doing, reaching out, as you are here.
When we learn how to meet the needs beneath our pain and we experience bonding with helpful others, healing becomes a growing part of our lives.
I am very grateful you dropped by. Really. Please write again. You have my prayers.
The Innkeeper
Post a Comment