Calmness in the Eye of an Emotional Storm: Not Allowing Others to Affect Our Serenity or Self-Image. Revisited ............7/11/12

I'm grateful for principles that allow me to remain calm in the midst of a storm

7/11/12   Innkeeper's Update:

         Hello everyone,
I normally don't do this, but I intuitively feel compelled to post this again. I feel strongly about the need to know how to shelter ourselves, when we find ourselves overwhelmed by the crushing waves of abuse, despair, frustration or self-loathing.

         I wrote the following a year ago, last March. I've edited it today, especially the last three paragraphs.  I also added footnotes.   I don't care for things to go stale.

         After all this time, one year and four months, I've decided to let you know an instrumental part of my personal growth.  It is Al-Anon Family Groups, an amazing organization.  It's been an emotional and mental life saver for me.  For more about it, see my footnotes.  As, always, I ask you to take what you like and leave the rest. 

         It's so easy surrendering our boundaries, becoming intimidated, finding ourselves like deer frozen in the headlights when relating with an angry, intimidating or manipulative individual.

         Below is my response to such an occasion.  I'm thankful that I no longer accept unacceptable behavior, nor please unpleasant people, nor bear the burden of another's

misbehavior, nor submit to overbearing conditions. For more about that, please click here.


         Let me know if this awakens anything within you.  I enjoy hearing your responses.  We are a community.  I learn from your comments.  Yes, yours.  I'd be happy hearing from you who drop by and normally don't post.  Try it, I won't bite.  :->

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Here's the original post:
       How are you? Tuesday was a humdinger of a day.  I experienced quite a bit of turmoil. Relating with a volatile person will do that. 

       I was encouraged to see that in spite of the turbulence of her actions, I took time to notice what was went on within me. This was not my tendency as a kid. Thank God for personal growth; it helped me thrive in spite of today's difficult circumstances.  

     Several years ago, I believed the needs of others were more important than mine. Now, I realize the importance of paying attention to my own behavior, thoughts and feelings. I've found that even if we are not aware of it, our inner self needs this attention.
        
      Depression is our neglected psyche issuing a silent scream. 


      It's telling us we have to take care of our feelings and needs and take note of our behavior. Depression screams that we are experiencing an unmet need.   While not depressed, yesterday, I needed tranquility.  Applying healthy principles permitted me to have emotional safety, even during a  moment of intense drama.  I'll list some of them in today's gratitudes. 

 1.  I'm thankful that it's best staying present when engaged in a crisis. It's better responding, not reacting to others. 
     When I react while in an emotional storm, it's to my detriment. I usually end up giving away big chunks of me.  I am trying to soothe the situation by giving in to manipulators, abusive others.  
      This 's not my response now. For more about dealing with Emotional Bullies, click here.  This link provides an excellent article: "Words Do Hurt--Stop Bullying From Affecting Your Health."       
       Bullies are more than our image of thugs who harass kids on school playgrounds or in the seamier parts of town. They can be our adult siblings, our spouse, our boss, among others. Yikes!

2.  As I get stronger, characterologically, I am not as rattled when "bad" things happen.

3.  I'm grateful that---with practice---while enduring another person's  emotional maelstrom, we can emotionally step aside. 

     We can pause and decide our response. This is what police, fire fighters and those who work in psychiatric hospitals do, when facing a crisis.  It's in our best interests if we do the same.  

     We can consider our options----asking ourselves, "what is it that I can do to take care of my needs?"

4.  I'm thrilled that moments that years ago would have disturbed me can now be looked at with humor. I'm thankful for a perspective that sees through the prism of healthy principles.  This lens allows my joy to remain, even while enduring significant pressures. 

5.  I'm thankful for skills that allow me to thrive during moments that at one time would have overwhelmed me. 

     Yesterday, it was helpful detaching, while remaining courteous, yet firm, towards a person who yelled at three different people, including the mailman (poor guy). She had just smashed a flower pot, dirt, flowers and all, on the floor, smashing it to pieces. And she's an accountant.

      If only she could have been a little more emotional. :->

6.  I'm happy that, when I witnessed this emotional relapse, I was calm. The muscles in my face were relaxed. I spoke in a measured manner. My heart rate, wasn't too elevated. Of course adrenaline kicked in----I'm human.  During the drama, my options, I considered. One of them was getting out of there, away from that person!

     It's good knowing I'm not a helpless, hopeless victim.  I've choices.  Doing what was necessary to provide serenity for me, during an intense, unpleasant moment, was my first priority.  After the episode calmed down, I left.  Time elsewhere, enjoying several hours free from emotional drama, doing something I really like, was the tonic I chose.

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Freedom
Not Letting Others Affect My Serenity or Joy

        I'm fortunate that I don't allow others to determine my moods or define who I am. For more about that, please click here.  When I need the applause of others to feel good about myself, I give them power over me. Not a good idea.

        I'm thankful that yesterday, when I had an opportunity to do spiritual weight lifting, I was able to do so. For several reps, I calmly lifted the weight of a dramatic situation.  Towards the emotionally intoxicated person, I was compassionate, yet detached.

        I've learned that pigeons do what pigeons do. I've learned not to sit under a tree that has pigeons roosting in it.  I don't take a pigeon's behavior personally. Angry people are caught up in their misery.  Many don't  know how to express their needs. Anger is a tragic expression of needs.  It either alienates, infuriates or freezes those  who encounter it.

       I'm glad that every time I respond to abuse or drama, using healthy, compassionate, yet assertive principles, I get stronger. It also gets easier, responding from strength, not fear.  Also, acting this way in the future becomes more likely.

       It feels good, not being manipulated by anger---not caving in to guilt, shame, blame, fear or angry judgment.  When I relate with others in a nonviolent way, using the recovery I've learned over the past eight years, from Al-Anon Family Groups, I place principles above my personality.  Please see footnote 1. 

       My response yesterday, while in a maelstrom of someone else emotional relapse is a huge change. Abuse I endured as a child. Please see footnote 2. My nature years ago---and now, if I don't have presence of mind which recovery from codependency offers me---was reverting to passivity. I'd either become frozen with fear or withdraw and isolate. Those were my two major ways of protecting myself. 

       I once permitted abuse to shower upon my soul. I felt I deserved it. Now, I know that thought is an outright lie. Once, I was a doormat.  Now, and yesterday, I got up off the floor. 

       Seeing myself emotionally mature is gladdening. Transforming from being emotionally the age of a seven year old to that of a mature man in his late twenties (even though I'm older than that) is heartening. That's progress, not perfection. And for that, I have an Attitude of Gratitude. 

How About You? 

What helps you to stay "centered" when you are pushed by the emotional storms of others? 

Footnotes

1. Al-Anon Family Groups is an international organization for friends and relatives of alcoholics, whether this person is actively drinking or not. Click here to find a meeting near you. 

     It is in no way related with Alcoholics Anonymous. This is an entirely separate organization, helping those who have been affected by the effects of alcohol in another. 

    Members learn how to deal with emotional abusers, less than pleasant bosses, intimidators, issues of control, perfectionism, and other problem behavior characteristics often found where others are chemically dependent or emotionally repressed. Al-Anon Family Group (AFG) members learn to clean their side of the street, how to take care of themselves. 

      Even if a person doesn't relate with an alcoholic, attending may help that person recover from passivity, fear, self-loathing. Members learn that establishing healthy boundaries is key for emotional health.  There are open meetings for those who want to learn more about this organization. 

2. "Looking within is essential from the effects of another's drinking [or abuse], for although we may have experienced difficulties and trauma in our formative years, it is actually the continuing reaction to these things that troubles our lives today. Although we may have left the alcoholic [or abuser], we did not escape the turmoil, guilt,  insecurity, rage, and fear we knew in our youth.  In fact, we were suffocating in our own unhappy habits (or emotions), never realizing  that another way, a spiritual way, could allow us to draw  life-giving breaths of hope, friendship, and love. 

    "Awareness does not settle everything, nor does change happen overnight.  Spiritual growth takes time. Making the 'new' [our recovery from less than perfect circumstances] a familiar and comfortable part of ourselves takes personal commitment and the support of others...to help us on our way."   From Survival to Recovery, p. 268.