How difficult it can be. Fearing the reactions of oth-ers. It makes us feel like walking on egg-shells.
Wanting to please, we have a false belief. We think our needs are less important than others. We are not honest.
We agree---outwardly. Yet in-wardly, we protest. We do not state our opin--ions---what we want or do not want.
We comply. Inside, we fume. Being authentic is hard.
Often, we fear rejection if we are. We dread disapproval. Expressing our feelings and wants doesn't happen.
We fear ruining the relationship.
Big question. What type of relationship is it if we can't be honest? Is it worth having? I say no.
Our need for connection and closeness is not met. Intimacy---to know and be known is not satisfied. The need for others to under-stand us is neglected.
Relating genuinely with others---doesn't take place.
Built within were megaphones, ampli-fying the character's voice. This is where the mask got its name. Personna.
Per---meaning through. And Sona, referring to sound. The personna was the image a character portrayed while "sounding" through a mask.
We say, "I'm fine," when asked how we are. While the fact is we aren't. Our relationships are as tasty as shredded wheat.
That is an insult to shredded wheat. That fiber-filled cereal is tastier than insincere, inauthentic relationships.
A rare occurrence. However, there was no mask. I said what I wanted. I expressed what I didn't like and what irritated me.
It. Felt. Good.
There's nothing wrong with anger. It's how we express it that's important. We can be intense without being frightful. With strong emphasis, I stated my feelings without judgment.
This required noticing the judgments and seeing where I blamed others for my feelings.
Instead, I took responsibility for my emotions. Our feelings are our property. No one can make us angry, sad, happy, or have any other feeling without us giving them permission to do so.
In today's case, I removed the "shoulds" I had towards this person. I felt much better. I connected fully with the deeper needs underlying my negative feelings.
I was now standing in my power and recovery. I was faithful to values I hold dear, acting with integrity. My life became manageable.
How did I experience release? By expressing my feelings about my needs fully and with intensity. But I was not scary while angry with the person who upset me.
I took responsibility for my feelings, not blaming her. I did this by expressing the depth of my emotions about my needs not being met. They were said without judging her.
Gratitudes:
1. My life is richer beyond my imagination ever considered. I am thankful for all the blessings I enjoy.
2. I enjoy being present. I am not hampered by fear or anxiety. I love discovering where my relationships will go, not manipulating out-comes.
4. I am happy helping people from different corners of the Earth. Yesterday with a client in Austin, Texas, and one in Reno, in addition to those I saw in person in San Leandro. Today, I had a session with someone in Bavaria.
5. I love the confidence that recovery offers. I love being free from codependency and the discretion/prudence recovery gives me. I am bathed with the garlic of recovery----it keeps emotional vampires away, freeing me from toxic relationships.
How About You?
What are your gratitudes for today?
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8 comments:
Hi Pablo.
Here are my gratitudes:
1. For having someone I can talk to and count on in crisis situations or just to pour out my feelings authentically- a surrogate "father."
2. For fun and healthy gatherings with good friends.
3. For summertime calm and peace.
4. For a new path, rich with exciting opportunities.
5. For the health and welfare of a family member who almost lost his life recently.
Hello Innkeeper,
I am grateful for:
1. Getting up in the morning and meditating for half an hour. I learned through meditation, that awareness only comes from being gentle with ourselves, without having to fix anything. Real self-respect.
2. Being able to re-organize, shred, and recycle old paper work from two previous jobs: five boxes to be exact. My shredding machine overheated more than ten times. It was mentally exhausting, but the shredding with my own hands, indirectly brought somatic relief. It was emotionally difficult and gratifying witnessing all of the work I had put into a three-year job, a few years ago. It brought emotional release and healing. I acknowledged how hard I worked, regardless of the lack of praise and value from others. It also felt really good to let go of my past. If others don't appreciate me, that's their loss. I appreciate me. As a person who works in service for others I learned that it is perfectly fine to get out of a situation that no longer serves ourselves, no matter how noble the job or situation may be. When the suffering and ignorance around us is beyond our capabilities or limitations, it's time to move on. :0)
3. A most wonderful 5-day silent retreat in Santa Rosa, last week. I filled my love bank. It was my first silent retreat. I had many opportunities to do sitting and walking meditations. I also had a chore of washing dishes and pots along with two other retreatants. It seems as a result of my retreat experience, I was able to touch an ancient memory. It hurt, but it was also exhilarating at the same time. As I drove home alone from a stop-by at the beach after the retreat, I began to cry in my van, as I drove on highway 92 from Half Moon Bay. I tapped into an old wound. I was able to feel something from childhood, that was denied because of conditioned trauma. To feel was empowering. I was grateful to God for the healing. I'm always amazed at how we cannot make these moments of emotional release happen. They seem to manifest on their own, at the body's own pace, if you will. The body has a far more profound wisdom than the ego-mind. Perhaps this can only happen from the gentleness towards ourselves.
4. Being prompted by God after returning from retreat, to read one of my favorite book of poems called, "Quiet Time," by James Kavanaugh. The themes of the book centered around healing and coming to full circle with our inner child. The timing was impeccable.
5. My wife, kids, and Golden Retriever. They always bring me a perspective of love, humility and simplicity.
6. A novel I am reading to my boys. It's an old, 1966 novel, "The Man Who Was Magic," by Paul Gallico. A beautiful novel about innocence, the true meaning of magic (the miracle's of life), and how challenging it is for a society to accept those few special people who have a unique message that may actually help us learn more about ourselves.
Sincerely,
-CK
Hello Dear Innkeeper,
Goodness...Seeing those creepy masks...well...um...'creep-ed' me out!!
Quite scary really!
But,being curious I read on,only to discover...that I too ware a mask. For I have often said those two little words... I'm fine... when really... I'm not!!
My gratitudes:
1. Driving my daughter and her best friend to Great America.It was a relaxing drive. I always enjoy listening to these two teenagers...chattering away without a care in the world!
2. Saw a great movie, with a good friend.
3. Was treated to lunch ... yum,yum,yum!
4. Met with friends for a fun night of...' Pit.'..cards,spoons,laughter and screaming!
Jane G. Yorkshire
Hi Thumper,
1. What are you learning, as you empty your feelings while with this father figure? What needs of yours are met, when you do? I'm curious.
2. How does it feel to be in a safe environment, where you can relax without tension in the room,when with a terrific group of friends? What can you admit---what can you confess---after that type of experience?
3. You intrigue me, this comment about a new path you are on. But, it's good hearing the positive outlook you have about it. That's definitely having an attitude of gratitude!
4. This family member who almost died has my prayers. To almost lose one's life is more drama than we want.
Thank you, for your comments. Even though I was tardy in replying, it means a lot to me. I see the comments when they come in. It's just been crazily busy for me. I had to prepare for teaching the week you wrote your comment.
Hello, CK, also known as Clark Kent.
I need to wrap my mind around what you wrote in your first gratitude. I am interpreting that being gentle with ourselves includes letting go of all the mental chatter that prevents us from experiencing what is, being present. I may be wrong, please correct me, if I am. I know I can learn from you.
Regarding gratitude number two, Clark, this sounds terrific. You had somatic therapy, shredding old paperwork or yours. Never thought of this approach. I'm glad you shared your experience. It's something I want to try. I have too many papers lying around.
Still on number two, recovery is taking care of ourselves. I am getting that message in your powerful sentence, "When the suffering and ignorance around us is beyond our capabilities or limitations, it's time to move on." I love how you word your thoughts. It helps my need for understanding and my love for language.
Your third gratitude has me jealous.:-) You got away. You went to a retreat.
I am happy hearing you got in touch with an ancient memory. I love it, hearing you in touch with your feelings. You rested in them, not resisting them, even though they were painful. This post of mine deals with facing these goblins from our past. I am thrilled you faced them. The results was a healing of sorts.
Our mind does not heal us. It's when we experience our feelings, not resisting them, we experience healing.
James Kavanaugh has been a literary friend of mine since high-school. I love his wordsmithing. I am envious, too. I don't have that poem you referred to.
Dear CK, your life sounds is amazingly rich. I am humbled that you shared your riches with us here, at the inn. Thank you, thank you. I appreciate you enriching us with your insights and sharing your feelings with us.
I want to ask you to be a guest writer for this inn. Would you? I certainly could use the break. :->
Wishing you more times of fulfillment like you shared with these gratitudes,
The Innkeeper
Hello Dear Jane G. Yorkshire,
The truth is, we all wear masks, when we are not present. It sounds as if your daughter's friend is an adoptive sister of hers. What was the movie you saw?
What do you have to admit, after being treated to lunch? Was it a surprise for you, you weren't expecting it? What needs of yours were met and how did you feel, spending time with your friend?
I see you have good taste. I love the Pit game, too. It is hysterical, fun, and a great way to bond with others.
Thank you, for making the time to drop by the inn and make a comment. It meets my need for connection and community. It feels good inside, I am happy when I hear from guests to this inn.
Pablo,
I appreciate you asking for clarification about being gentle towards ourselves and the post link to dealing with the goblins of our past. I've been contemplating on just what it means to be gentle with ourselves.
You're right about letting go of the mental chatter. I've been working on discerning between simply noticing what is going on within me, especially feelings and patterns of trauma. The energy that comes with simply noticing is so light and healing as opposed to the fear that comes from our default mode.
Recently having watched a short video of a spiritual teacher helping a man with questioning his belief, the teacher asked the gentleman if the thought he had about his wife was true, he automatically went into justification or explaining. I wondered if the mind does this because of our helplessness or powerlessness as a child of impending doom, or abandonment from our parents. As children we felt obligation was a strategy to survive a life sentence than actual death. I'm speaking psychologically and metaphorically, of course.
The man had a little difficulty choosing a simple one syllable response (yes or no) in response to whether his belief was true. The teacher said wonderfully, "We're not into right or wrong answers here. We're simply noticing. The mind is trying to protect itself. It's very afraid to simply notice, to go into the unknown, open, present, creative self.
I'm incorporating this into my mindfulness practice. I'm learning to sit with the trauma, learning more about its energy, how the mind lures itself back into itself using the same strategy giving itself a sense of false hope, that we hoped for when we were children. When I sit and meditate, there's a lot of in and out, back and forth, presence, default, presence, default, etc. But I continue to sit. I find that coming out of the self-indulgent, perverse, default mode, even if for only a few seconds at a time has a lot of potential for spontaneous healing.
There is a story of a master and his disciple. The disciple asks, "Could you give me a word of wisdom? Could you tell me something that would guide me through my days? It was the master's day of silence, so he picked up a pad. It said, "Awareness." When the disciple saw it, he said, "This is too brief. Can you expand on it a bit?" So the master took back the pad and wrote, "Awareness, awareness, awareness." The disciple said, "Yes, but what does it mean?" The master took back the pad and wrote, "Awareness, awareness, awareness means -- awareness."
This is something we have to see for ourselves. No one can teach us this, and we cannot teach it to anyone else. Only through gentle baby steps. We have to remember that the conditioning is very strong, but awareness does not care about that. Awareness is always here.
Teachers, books and videos can inspire us and rejuvenate our spirits to heal, but I think in the end, we give ourselves the best possibility to heal when we are aware of our bodies and its energies, and when we our transparent with others.
Thank you, Pablo.
Clark Kent
I like what you said regarding what type of relationship is it if we can't be real or honest. Is it really worth having? No, it isn't. You are right. Also, no one's needs get met if a person doesn't share their real self. I think sincerity and authenticity are worth striving for.
Mom with 2 awesome sons
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