Sunday, August 28

Still Learning 8/28/11


Innkeeper's update: Four more than four years, this was the number one post.  I'd love hearing your response. What helps you overcome fear?
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A New Truth Learned This Month: 
         Earlier this month,  I agonized over a business meeting that loomed before me.  I was wrenched with fear.  I was to lay out information regarding my  finances during our time together. 

         I would be on display.  Economically naked, before the two meeting with me. Their criticism I feared.  They would not be supportive, I dreaded.  Not cognitively, but viscerally, I was agitated.  

         I called others, receiving support. Prayers for courage I cried to God.  Doing this while floating upon a sea of despair.  I hoped from Him a lifesaver of insight tossed my way.  While worrying, I knew I would be fine. I've written outlines as a professional since my early twenties.

        But still, I fretted, worried. Memory in my body recalled being brought before others, subjected to correction and derision. 

        When the three of us met, they were impressed with what I presented. I figured that would happen. This fact I knew even while gripped at the gut level with apprehension while working on my presentation.

         At issue was the hurricane of emotions that violently circled within the innkeeper.  A semi-dormant beast, the creation of having a perfectionistic, critical father raised its head. This creature returned me, emotionally, to a nine year old boy.

       I'm grateful for steps taken during the days leading up to the business meeting. They allowed me to subdue the beast terrifying me.  He won't bother for at least a month.  I appreciate the respite. 
   
 Progress not perfection, is better than no progress.  This is true when we rid ourselves from un-welcomed dragons of fear.  The ones who dwell within the closets of our soul. I've learned new truths about personal growth as I strug-gled with my feelings this month. 

       My outward self was not gen-uine.  I appeared calm, belying the terror within.  During the wrestling match between my pre-sent and past selves, I did what I could.  Not one day at a time, but fifteen minutes at a time.

       I stayed present. 

       I nourished my present, healthier self.  This part of me, a result of recovery work, overcame the siren calls of a scarring, traumatic past.  Past wounds that usually woo the weaker parts of me were subdued.  I used baby steps.  Normally, scabbed memories awaken fears that lurk within my soul.

        But this time, staying in the solution was my focus.  Doing what I could to overcome anxieties.  I got support.  I rested.  Breathed.  Nurtured myself spiritually.  Was gentle towards myself.  Recognized how much I am loved by many.  I reminded myself of whatever was lovely, excellent, praiseworthy, noble and true. 

       Before this month, I've believed recovery was placing principles above weaknesses in my personality.  Now, I know personal growth requires more.  It involves placing principles and concrete actions above my fears, too.

       Regarding those who met with me: they were supportive.  They cared. They were open and enthusiastic about my presentation. They shared their experience strength and hope. Helpful insight was given. Outstanding questions they asked, clarifying what I want to do. Their help is moving me forward, professionally.  

       Their affirming response was the opposite of anticipated fears.

How About You? 
1. What dragons are you facing, currently?
2. How do you slay the dragons that live within you?
3. Is there anything you do that makes it easier to overcome them? 
4. Who are members of your supportive network?

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Thank you, Innkeeper, for sharing this episode in your life. I am grateful to you and your inner strength to post your experiences - they inspire and motivate me to do the same.

The point that most resonates with me is the visceral reaction to an imagined (or past experienced), negative outcome. When I feel that push of fear inside, the kind that changes the taste in my mouth, that brings tremors to my normally calm and steady hands, I set out to write/outline the steps and info needed to accomplish the task that woke up the fear inside me. Once I initiate that action (which generally takes me a LONG time) and "think in ink", my mental clarity becomes stronger than the visceral fear and I can proceed with less trepidation. The fear doesn't go away, it generally withdraws, slowly until AFTER the event. Meanwhile, outwardly, I fake it til I make it...whew.

I look forward to reading your other shares/musings. Thanks again! Lowry

LA G. said...

I've been wondering what keeps me from being present and your post helped me realize that my default mode seems to freeze my heart so that I don't feel. This defense mechanism automatically turns on and tries to analyze my surroundings so that I don't feel my heart. My heart is afraid to be vulnerable ....it fears ridicule and rejection.

Quotes from the Posts

"I'm mindful that our thoughts affect the words we use, our words influence our actions, our actions shape our character and our character determines our destiny."

From "My Character Determines My Destiny." To read it, please click here.

"Progress not perfection, is better than no progress at all, especially when we're trying to rid ourselves from unwelcome dragons that dwell within the closets of our soul."

From, "Still Learning" which, within four days, became the most popular post
written. To read it, please click here.

"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its trouble, but it does empty today of its strength"
From the post: "Life Is Not a Correspondence Program." Click here to read it.

"Even though we cannot control our circumstances, we can control how we choose to respond to them."

From, "Handling Stress and Dealing With an Emotional Bully."Click here to read this post.

"Nope, being busy isn't exciting. Boring is good. Because boring is not boring; boring is being healthy, living a balanced life that has serenity"

From: "Do You Know What It Means If You Are Too Busy?" For more, please click here.

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