Friday, May 8

Being Present Part III, Experiencing What Is .......... 5/8/15

And keep us close to what is real, I would add. 
      It is critical grieving loss.

      Acknowledging them is better. Not a good idea, stif-ling our emo-tions.  It is wise, not allowing our imagination to define us or others.

     Expressing our feelings is the way to go.  When we do, we are present.  It's as if a part of us that was lost has come back home.

      Feelings can be frightful, they are also nurturing and fulfilling.

      Expressing ourselves authentically lets others know what makes us tick, or disturbed.  We are being truthful. We are letting others know our values and who we are, what makes us, us.

        For most of us, we don't say a word when bothered.  Instead, we prematurely age.  We hold the tension within, letting our resentments grow.


       Most people fear using honesty when troubled.  When someone offends our dignity or autonomy, it is best, speaking our truth, letting that person know we are not in agreement.  Instead, we often smile, after taking an emotional punch to the gut, where our dignity was not respected.

        Last Saturday I had a lengthy conversation.  It was disappointing.  I related with many this week.  In all cases, what went on within me was given attention.

       I said what I felt.  I felt what I was feeling, giving attention to my emotions.  I also said what I wanted.  What type of relationship do we have if we can't be honest?

      Recovery helps us normalize whatever disturbs us.  We see beyond it.  We embrace negative realities.

     This is opposite of catastrophizing.  Life is viewed calmly. We think clearly.

"I block my own well-being each time I base my self-worth on what I do or what others think of me."    
                     Courage to Change, p. 118.
      It important remembering we are adults.  Little children get distraught.  We are not children.

      Maturity is seeing what is.  At times, circumstances will not be appealing.  As adults, we learn how to take steps that move us in the direction we want to go.

      I was in touch with what transpired within me this week.  Last weekend I experienced loss with someone I loved.   I processed it, moving on the best I could.

     Most people stay in their head.  Bad idea.  We negate our feelings when we do. 
       We are distan-cing ourselves from reality.  We want to care for ourselves.  That is recovery.  It is being present.

       Being present is being in touch with our emotions.  Tak-ing care of what roils within is necessary for happiness.  Let. Me. Say. That. Again.  

       Ignoring our feelings is a sure guarantee for depression and an opportunity for others to take advantage of us.  When we take care of the needs beneath our negative feelings, we enjoy emotional strength.

     We will be happi-er, more fulfilled, with more hope Dis-appointments are handled.  We are not overwhelmed by life's challenges.

      Recovery lets us move beyond the unhappy moments we endure.  We can even go back to the past and address unfinished business, getting the healing we want and deserve

      The past always lives within us.

      Recovery allows us to reframe our memories.  We look back at our self-judgments regarding the past difficult moments.  We learn how to look at them with the compassionate ideal self.

      Instead of remembering moments of passivity, or of being timid, we can view those same occasions seeing where we were true to our virtues, we can see the positive steps we took.  We give ourselves credit.

      Negative times are not to be resisted, protected or fought.  They are to be experienced.  We want to embrace them.
        How do we do that?  Firstly, by sitting with our emotions, feeling them.  Secondly, we discover the needs stirring up, within. 

    Thirdly, we meet these needs.  We learn to empty our emotions. Specters from past painful moments no longer torment us when we do this.

      Why?  How is that so?  Because we are dealing with those thoughts and moments that once disturbed us.  Recovery is replacing inadequate coping behavior with new and better alternatives.

      We are not ignoring areas that vexed us.  The outcome when we take these steps is emotional healing and a more peaceful life.  Applying healthier responses gives us a healthier perspective that strengthens us when we are tried and challenged.

      Compulsive mental activity prevents exper-iencing life fully.  It causes too much mental static.  We do not want our inter-pretations or the reactions of other people's behavior to agitate us.

      This includes what has happened in the past.  Nor do we want to future trip----anticipating fearful future outcomes.  Applying healthier alternatives removes dread.  We become more confident as we adhering to our values, plans or dreams.  This happens when we place principles above the vulnerable parts of our personality.

      When we are comfortable with our likes, dislikes, dreams, wishes and choices we are able to risk the disapproval of others.  When we stand for our beliefs, we fully take on the role of an adult.  One mark of an adult is to disagree.

      We do not accept being in a one-down relationship.  Recovery is not taking on the role of a child when differing with another. We do not need to cower with those who are angry or differ with us.

      As an adult, we learn WE ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR OTHER PEOPLE'S DISAPPOINTMENT WITH US, ESPE-CIALLY IF WE DISAGREE.  A person's disappointment or unhappiness is their problem, not ours.

       People need to learn they will not always get what they want.

      That is life.  Others need to get used to this fact when relating with us.  For others---our husbands, wives, relatives, landlords and co-workers----to expect otherwise is to have an unrealistic sense of entitlement.

      We contribute to their sense entitlement by letting them continue their negative ways when relating with us.  How are we guilty of doing this?  Through our silence and passivity, when mistreated and disrespected, that's how.

      The second characteristic of an adult is realizing we the equal with every other adult on the planet.  Our values matter.  Our opinions matter.

      As adults we learn to stand in our power, maintaining integrity with our boundaries.

      Eliminating pro-jections is a sanity and serenity inducer.  Our judgments of others and their be-havior are stories created in our minds.

     These stories may---and usually are---not true.  We do not want to let conjectures capture our heart or head.  Who wants a life fillled with despair, fear or anger?

     We want to prefer reality, eliminating the "shoulds" and "coulds" in life.   We want to do this also with our wishes, expectations, judgments and imaginations. Because each of these scenarios are not based upon reality, but our active mind.

      It is better embracing what life offers right now, being present.  We do not get distracted by the white noise of an over-reacting mind.

     Judgments, interpretations, and assumptions are all means of trying to control.  We are trying to make sense of life.  It is an attempt at dealing with the vagaries of life.

      What it really is, is that we are jumping to conclusions. Preferred, is experiencing what is. We want to be in touch with what is happening.

       In. The.  Moment.  We want to use our five senses. As Susan Campbell, author of Getting Real states, 
"There's a difference between what is and the ideas [and conclu-sions] you have about it."
      We want to be softer on our psyche.  How?  By not jumping to conclusions.

      They often lead to pain. Be-ing impulsive this way often creates misunderstanding.  We don't want to become angry because of disturbing interpretations not based on truth!  Often, they are created from our emotional baggage, often from low self-esteem.

      Conclusions usually do not accurately reflect what is truly transpiring.  It is easy mistaking these two, interpretations (judg-ments, conclusions) for reality.

      It is common, not noticing it is our interpretations----not the truth----that anger or frighten us.

      In the process, we can feel wronged but righteous.  The benefit is that we use projections to affirm false beliefs.  We believe what may be a fantasy.  They may be comforting or frightful.

      We use projections and our judgments to define reality.  This is insanity.
Automatically responding to your worst internal fear is a common control pattern.  Your buttons are pushed, and you react.  This pattern keeps you in familiar emotional territory, where you don't have to risk learning anything about yourself. [There is no need to change. It is always the other person's fault.] 
And therefore, you don't have to change.  Susan Campbell, Getting Real, 23
      May you have a great and grateful Saturday!   I know I will.

How About You? 
What are your three gratitudes for today?

2 comments:

Dina Toyoda said...

I am grateful for the ability that we have to grow to understand the truths, which make us healthier and happier.

Unknown said...

Thank you Innkeeper for giving me the ability to express my true feelings!

Ahhhhh, this is what being an adult is all about. Not simply going along with the program, people pleasing, saying "Yes" to whatever is asked of us. Rather having the ability to express our disagreement in a mature and healthy manner. We can agree to disagree and that's fine!

As an adult child of alcoholic parents, I always thought it was my job to fix everything. Having the ability to let others figure it out on their own terms frees up so much time and energy in my own life. It allows me to connect with my own Higher Power. I don't have to give advice, sometimes I can just listen and be supportive.

I don't really have to concern myself with what others think of me or my actions.

April 27th - pg. 118 (2nd sentence) from Courage to Change
I block my own well being each time I base my self-worth on what I do or what others think of me."

I am grateful for all the wisdom and light you bring into my life! Thanks Pablo!

Brent

Quotes from the Posts

"I'm mindful that our thoughts affect the words we use, our words influence our actions, our actions shape our character and our character determines our destiny."

From "My Character Determines My Destiny." To read it, please click here.

"Progress not perfection, is better than no progress at all, especially when we're trying to rid ourselves from unwelcome dragons that dwell within the closets of our soul."

From, "Still Learning" which, within four days, became the most popular post
written. To read it, please click here.

"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its trouble, but it does empty today of its strength"
From the post: "Life Is Not a Correspondence Program." Click here to read it.

"Even though we cannot control our circumstances, we can control how we choose to respond to them."

From, "Handling Stress and Dealing With an Emotional Bully."Click here to read this post.

"Nope, being busy isn't exciting. Boring is good. Because boring is not boring; boring is being healthy, living a balanced life that has serenity"

From: "Do You Know What It Means If You Are Too Busy?" For more, please click here.

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