Friday, May 8

Being Present Part III, Experiencing What Is .......... 5/8/15

And keep us close to what is real, I would add. 
      It is critical grieving our los-ses.

     We do not want to stuff them away. Not a good idea, using our mind to stifle emo-tions.  It also isn't wise using our im-agination to define our life or others.

     There's a better way.  Expressing our feelingsWhen we do, we are more whole.  It's as if a part of us that was lost has come back home.

      Feelings can be frightful. They can also be nurturing and fulfilling.

      We want to express ourselves authentically.  We want others to know what makes us tick, what makes us disturbed.  When we do, we are being truthful with them and ourselves. We are letting them know our values and who we really are.

       For most of us, we don't say a word when bothered.  Instead, we prematurely age.  We hold the tension within.

       This happens while our resentments grow.

       Most people fear to be honest when troubled.  When someone offends their dignity or autonomy, nary a word is said.  Instead, they smile, after taking an emotional punch to the gut.

        Last Saturday I had a lengthy conversation.  It was disappointing.  I related with many this week.  In all cases, my reactions weren't ignored.

      Recovery teaches us to normalize whatever is disturb-ing. To see how we can get beyond what troubles us. We learn how to embrace negative realities.

     This is different from catastrophi-zing.  Where we let life get us distraught and we are unable able to think clearly.

      It important remembering we are adults.  Little children get distraught.  We are not children.

      Maturity is seeing what is.  At times, circumstances will not be appealing. As adults, we learn how to take steps that move us in the direction we want to go.

      I was in touch with what transpired within me this week.  Last weekend I experienced loss with someone I loved.   I processed it, moving on the best I could.

      Most people stay in their head.  Bad idea.  We negate our feelings when we do. 

       We are distancing ourselves from reality.  This is not caring for ourselves.  That is not recovery.  Nor is it being present.

       We want to be in touch with our emotions.  Taking care of what roils within is necessary for happiness.  Let. Me. Say. That. Again.  

       Ignoring our feelings is a sure guarantee for depression and for others to take advantage of us.  When we take care of the needs beneath our negative feelings, we will not suffer emotional pain.

     We will not be de-pressed.  We will not be frustrated.  Our disappointments will not overwhelm us.

      Nor will we suffer as much from un-happy moments we endured in the past. If we go back to the past and address unfinished business.

      Did you know you can go back to the past?  Yes, we can.

      The past always lives within us.  We can reframe our memories.  We can look back at our self-judgments regarding the difficult moments in our lives with compassion and recovery.

      Instead of remembering moments when we were passive, or timid, we can see in those same occasions where we were true to our virtues, while oppressed by emotional bullies.

     Negative times are not to be resisted, protected or fought.  They are to be experienced. 

     How do we do that?  Firstly, by sitting with our feelings.  Secondly, we discover the needs beneath. 

    Thirdly, we do what's necessary to meet them.  We learn to empty our emotions. Specters from past painful moments no longer torment us when we do this.

      Why?  How is that so?  Because we are dealing with those thoughts and moments that once disturbed us.  

      We are not ignoring areas that vexed us.  The outcome when we take these steps is a more relaxed and peaceful life.  Taking this action helps us to have the attitude of gratitude that gives us strength when we are tried.

      Compulsive mental activity prevents exper-iencing life fully.  It causes too much mental static.  We do not want our inter-pretations or the reactions of other people's behavior to agitate us.

      This includes past events.  Nor do we want to future trip----anticipating fearful future outcomes.  No longer does dread need to discourage us from adhering to our values, plans or dreams.  This happens when we place principles above the vulnerable parts of our personality.

      When we become comfortable with our likes, dislikes, dreams, wishes and choices we are able to risk the disapproval of oth-ers.  When we stand for our beliefs, we fully take on the role of an adult.  One mark of an adult is that we can disagree with others.

      We do not accept being in a one-down relationship.  Recovery is not taking on the role of a child when differing with another. We do not need to cower with those who are angry or differ with us.

      As an adult, we learn WE ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR OTHER PEOPLE'S DISAPPOINTMENT WITH US, ESPE-CIALLY IF WE DISAGREE.  A person's disappointment or unhappiness is their problem, not ours.

       People need to learn they will not always get what they want.

      That is life.  Others need to get used to this fact when relating with us.  For others---our husbands, wives, relatives, landlords and co-workers----to expect otherwise is to have an unrealistic sense of entitlement.

      We contribute to their sense entitlement by letting them continue their negative ways when relating with us.  How are we guilty of doing this?  Through our silence and passivity, when mistreated and disrespected, that's how.

      The second characteristic of an adult is realizing we the equal with every other adult on the planet.  Our values matter.  Our opinions matter.

      As adults we learn to stand in our power, maintaining integrity with our boundaries.

      Eliminating pro-jections is a sanity and serenity inducer.  Our judgments of others and their be-havior are stories created in our minds.

     These stories may---and usually are---not true.  We do not want to let conjectures capture our heart or head.  Who wants a life fillled with despair, fear or anger?

     We want to prefer reality, eliminating the "shoulds" and "coulds" in life.   We want to do this also with our wishes, expectations, judgments and imaginations. Because each of these scenarios are not based upon reality, but our active mind.

      It is better embracing what life offers right now, being present.  We do not get distracted by the white noise of an over-reacting mind.

     Judgments, interpretations, and assumptions are all means of trying to control.  We are trying to make sense of life.  It is an attempt at dealing with the vagaries of life.

      What it really is, is that we are jumping to conclusions. Preferred, is experiencing what is. We want to be in touch with what is happening.

       In. The.  Moment.  We want to use our five senses. As Susan Campbell, author of Getting Real states, 
"There's a difference between what is and the ideas [and conclu-sions] you have about it."
      We want to be softer on our psyche.  How?  By not jumping to conclusions.

      They often lead to pain. Be-ing impulsive this way often creates misunderstanding.  We don't want to become angry because of disturbing interpretations not based on truth!  Often, they are created from our emotional baggage, often from low self-esteem.

      Conclusions usually do not accurately reflect what is truly transpiring.  It is easy mistaking these two, interpretations (judg-ments, conclusions) for reality.

      It is common, not noticing it is our interpretations----not the truth----that anger or frighten us.

      In the process, we can feel wronged but righteous.  The benefit is that we use projections to affirm false beliefs.  We believe what may be a fantasy.  They may be comforting or frightful.

      We use projections and our judgments to define reality.  This is insanity.
Automatically responding to your worst internal fear is a common control pattern.  Your buttons are pushed, and you react.  This pattern keeps you in familiar emotional territory, where you do't have to risk learning anything about yourself [it always the other person's fault].   
And therefore, you don't have to change.  Susan Campbell, Getting Real, 23
      May you have a great and grateful Saturday!   I know I will.

How About You? 
What are your three gratitudes for today?



I am grateful for the ability that we have to grow to understand the truths, which make us healthier and happier.

Brent BayAreaLocal said...

Thank you Innkeeper for giving me the ability to express my true feelings!

Ahhhhh, this is what being an adult is all about. Not simply going along with the program, people pleasing, saying "Yes" to whatever is asked of us. Rather having the ability to express our disagreement in a mature and healthy manner. We can agree to disagree and that's fine!

As an adult child of alcoholic parents, I always thought it was my job to fix everything. Having the ability to let others figure it out on their own terms frees up so much time and energy in my own life. It allows me to connect with my own Higher Power. I don't have to give advice, sometimes I can just listen and be supportive.

I don't really have to concern myself with what others think of me or my actions.

April 27th - pg. 118 (2nd sentence) from Courage to Change
I block my own well being each time I base my self-worth on what I do or what others think of me."

I am grateful for all the wisdom and light you bring into my life! Thanks Pablo!


Quotes from the Posts

"I'm mindful that our thoughts affect the words we use, our words influence our actions, our actions shape our character and our character determines our destiny."

From "My Character Determines My Destiny." To read it, please click here.

"Progress not perfection, is better than no progress at all, especially when we're trying to rid ourselves from unwelcome dragons that dwell within the closets of our soul."

From, "Still Learning" which, within four days, became the most popular post
written. To read it, please click here.

"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its trouble, but it does empty today of its strength"
From the post: "Life Is Not a Correspondence Program." Click here to read it.

"Even though we cannot control our circumstances, we can control how we choose to respond to them."

From, "Handling Stress and Dealing With an Emotional Bully."Click here to read this post.

"Nope, being busy isn't exciting. Boring is good. Because boring is not boring; boring is being healthy, living a balanced life that has serenity"

From: "Do You Know What It Means If You Are Too Busy?" For more, please click here.