Wednesday, April 16

Relating, Being Present vs. Using Control................ 4/16/14

Happiness is not something you
 postpone for the future; it is some-
thing  you design for the present.
Jim Rohn 
      The material below helps us have more authentic, enriching relation-ships.

      When relating, we bond with others, going beyond superficiality. Our connections satisfy us at a deep level. Trust, intimacy abound.

       If we control, we create distance and distrust.  We irritate.  The dignity and autonomy of others is disrespec-ted.  We won't be liked.  Who enjoys being manipulated?

I.  Relating: An Overview
  A.  Being open and present to what            is, be it painful or pleasant. 
   B.  It is being present.
          1. It is the best way to connect.  It  leaves a positive impact on                       others.  
          2. It is the stuff of authenticity and intimacy.
"With the past, I have nothing to do; nor with the future.  I live now. "   Ralph Waldo Emerson
II.  Being Controlling
   A.  It is trying to:
        1.    Make something happen.          
        2.    Look confident vs. being authentic.            
          3.  Get others to like us or pay attention.  
          4.  Not look foolish.                               
          5.  Get our own way.                                          
          6.  Avoid confrontation or conflict    
          7.  Makes sure the other person is not uncomfortable             
          8.   Keep things from getting too intense
              a.  We manage the anxiety of being present.                                    B. The Most Significant Feature of Control
          1.  Avoiding feeling squirmish. 
"When one door closes  another door opens, but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us."  Alexander Graham Bell    
III.  Relating: The Particulars
        A.  When we relate, we are curious about the outcome instead               of controlling it.
        B.  More interested in discovering and experiencing what is. This is differs from manipulating circumstances to come out as we want.
        C.  When we lack interpersonal skills and confidence, we are more apt to resort to control patterns.
IV.  Delving Into the World of Control
A.  A control pattern is any automatic patterned way of thinking or behaving that keeps us from feeling what is really going on inside of us.
B.   We think it helps us appear more comfortable. We delude ourselves into thinking we are more in control than we actually feel.
C.   We want to outgrow our need to protect ourselves from reality.
        1.  Reality is good. 
        2.  Living within reality is being present. 
D.  We want to develop the inner strength required to deal with what is really going on in the relationship.
      1.  We use control patterns when we are fearful.
E.   We need to learn to embrace the reality that we cannot control how others feel toward us.
VI.  Typical Examples of Being Controlling
1.  Over-talking.                                       
2.  Explaining/justifying                               
3.  Judgmental self-talk                             
4.  Self-congratulatory self -talk.                      
5.  Fearful self-talk                                   
6.  Impulsively speaking up before you know what you want to say.  
7.  Looking intensely into someone eyes in order to impress.
8.  Not looking into someone’s eyes in order to avoid too much     intensity. 
9.  Waiting to speak until you are sure you will be well received

There is more to this outline, but this is enough for tonight.  I'm exhausted.  I'll work on the formatting another time.  I have more pressing matters to attend to. 

All rights reserved.  © 2014


Superman said...

Dear Innkeeper,
Thank you for this post.

Carl H said...

Dear Innkeeper,

On this Thursday night, I am grateful for...

1. Taking a chance that things might change if I speak up, even if it triggers hurt, pain, or an outburst of rage in another; their issue that is beyond my control.

2. That being said, I need to self reflect on whether or not I was minimizing this person's voice, or attempt to have a voice, consciously or unconsciously, thus causing their outburst.

3. Two much needed naps today to offset late nights, and long hours on the road.

4. Catching a moving glimpse of heaven-on-earth on PBS tonight; Andrea Bocelli's "Love in Portofino." His live, summer evening performance harbor-side, with David Foster on the piano, included (among many other songs) a Helen Fisher duet on "When I Fall in Love," with Chris Botti on trumpet. Mesmerizing!

5. Having tools, a program and friends I can speak with when feeling sad that the romantic, emotional intimacy alluded to by the images in Portofino (above), seem to be eluding me, at this time in my life...

Anonymous said...

Dear Innkeeper,
Two to go!
This topic intrigues me.I had zero clue that I was a controlling person.I thought ,I was just a 'door mat',being the passive type.What a surprise. I struggle to be present.Usually at the first hint of emotional pain,I'm gone
at lightening the land of denial.The Sherlock Holmes in me tells me...Ah-Ha..I think I've discovered something.I'm a controlling person.Ugh!Thank you dear Innkeeper for helping me have the courage to start looking at whats alive with in me...The good,The bad and The ugly!

Jane G.Yorkshire

Pablo said...

Dear Jane G. Yorkshire,

One to go! Your struggle with being present is that of many people, my dear. Often we try manipulating the outcome that provides us the least pain. Avoidance is one technique.

Seeing areas where we need to grow is an occasion for joy. It means we are getting healthier. Before, we couldn't see the problem. Now we do. No improvement is possible without awareness. You have that!

Thank you, for you visits, even when you don't write. I am impressed with the literary output you have shared here.

May you have a great week,

The Innkeeper

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