Calmness in the Eye of the Storm, Revisited.......... 10/25/14

          Hi.  I am beat, working long, in-tense hours and spending time catching the World Series----baseball.  All four games played I have taken in.   An important appointment tomor-row awaits me.  I need rest.  So, I am not

A Special Day and My Inventory: A Partial, Semi-impartial View 5/13/14

I am the only person on earth who can make my well-
being my number one priority. Doing so let's me drink
and appreciate the little things in life. 

       Today is special. It marks the thirty-eighth month when this inn opened.  Much has happened since.

    Thanks, for cooling

Great Memories Created and the Source for Boldness and Confidence, When Tried By Unpleasant Others 10/29/13

View while cruising in my son's car along the Silverado
 Trail in the Napa Valley, on our way to Angwin

     Good evening everyone.  How are you?  So many good things have happened since the last time I've written.  Where do I start??  Well, here's one story......

A Spiritual Practice: Exercising Grace While Communicating 5/22/13

        I went to an Al-Anon Family Group (AFG) meeting.  This is not Alcoholics Anonymous.  Check the provided link for more information and greater clarity about AFG.

        AFG serves friends and family members of alcoholics.  At its gatherings, a person finds support and principles for the struggles encountered when relating with a problemed drinker. Members learn how to take care of themselves.  They discover the skill of detaching with love from drama.   It is an emotional and mental life saver.

Staying In the Solution
        The organization is not a place for dumping and running----pouring out our problems on attendees. That is not working the Al-Anon program.  Take a listen to this passage from One Day at A Time:

When I started in Al-Anon, I thought of meetings only as a place where I could unburden myself of my troubles.  But I soon learned that complaining about our oppressions and indignities only makes them loom larger and more disturbing.  

This became clear to me when I heard other members monopolize the  time and the attention of the group with indignant, woeful recitals of the alcoholic's misbehavior.  I see this was not "working the Al-Anon program." [emphasis, mine] I am learning to put the shortcomings of others out of my mind and think constructively about putting [recovery] ideas to work in my life. 

I [grow in my personal recovery] to get rid of self-pity and resentment, not to increase their power to destroy me. I go to learn how others have dealt with their problems, so I can apply this wisdom to my own life.   

"I ask God to keep me from magnifying my troubles by harping on them continually." 

Al-Anon Family Groups Headquarters Inc, One Day At Time In Al-Anon, Virginia Beach, 2000, 75

       This passage was written by Ann B., co-founder of Al-Anon Family Groups.  It reflects the nature of this program.  Unfortunately, harping occurred tonight, by someone new to this meeting.

Focusing On Principles, Not Other Programs

         On top of that, another person mentioned stuff that Al-Anon does not allow.  She talked about her therapy.  That's not helpful.

         This is not sharing our Al-Anon story.  When attending AFG, we speak Al-Anon.

The relatives [and friends]when gathered together for mutual aid, may call themselves an Al-Anon Family Group, provided that, as a group, they have no other affiliation (italics mine).  The only require-ment for membership is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend.                                                 Tradition Three of Al-Anon Family Groups

This tradition helps us to guard against the confu-sion that results when we allow our program to be diluted. Al-Anon's Twelve Steps and Traditions, (New York: Al-Anon Family Groups Headquarters, Inc., 1981) 99

Tradition Three explains two ways in which my Al-Anon Friends and I can "keep it simple."  One is to avoid being diverted from our program by others and two, is to welcome into Al-Anon Family Groups, anyone who is suffering from the effects of another's alcoholism.  Both are perfectly clear.  They give me an answer to those who think it would help if the group were to concentrate on problems which are not related to alcoholism, or, mistakenly feel a new-comer should be rejected when, actually, he or she does meet the condition for membership.                     Al-Anon's Twelve Steps and Traditions, 101. 

      After the meeting, I spoke with the person who discussed her therapy.  My concerns were expressed respectfully.  Gently, I shared.

      I requested adherence to Tradition Three.  "I understand," she said.  I'm thankful.

      Her response allows the group to maintain integrity with basic Al-Anon principles.  I'm grateful for the open communication and understanding we shared.  I expressed my needs.

      Her reaction was not my focus.  If it was, I would have been manipulative.  Instead, I shared what was alive in me, what troubled me.

      I'm grateful she understood what troubled me. (Courage to Change, p. 310)

Life Is Our Spiritual Practice
      I see attending tonight's meeting was a spiritual practice.  Even though weary---physically from my all-day adventure cycling in Yosemite yesterday, and my lack of sleep, operating on four hours of sleep, for two days in a row---I practiced patience. .

      Many times, during a conflict I could act out and be petulant.  I could rationalize it is my right when offended.  However, it would not be in my best interests.  While it might feel good for the few seconds,  the results are typically disastrous in the long term.

      I'm thankful for placing principles above my personality, and the positive results derived when I govern my feelings. 

Admitting Faults, Being With Good Friends ......... .......5/1/13

"An admission of error is a sign of strength
rather than weakness"    Goethe

     Good evening,

I'm bookending this day with posts, not something I do often.  Just got in from being with friends, encouraged by the time shared.   I spoke before the group.  The possibility that this might happen crossed my mind, I prepared notes earlier.  It went well.

     Afterwards, sixty percent of those who attended

A Fun, Friend-Filled and Fortunate Day ......4/28/13

      Hello to my guests from Russia, Germany and Romania!

For this month, 15.6% of my readers are from

Not Being Had: Moving Beyond History, Abuse and Disappointment 4/25/13

The sun of recovery is breaking through
 areas that were recently darkened

     So much is happening.  Wow.  My business is growing, I'm enjoying time with family, work is fulfilling---seeing wonderful results with those I serve----and new friends are being added to my private world.  Other than that, there's

The Sticky Gum of Resentment........ 4/11/13

The sun setting on San Francisco
 Peninsula, viewed from Alameda Island

      My body has been thrown out of wack----I'm sleeping irregular-ly.  The good news: I rode sixteen miles today.  It should help me bed down sooner and sleep soundly. We'll see.

          On the other hand, I sleep like a baby: I wake up every three hours and cry.  (Just joking, folks, for those who always take me seriously.)

         With another, I circumnavigated part of Alameda Island on two wheels in the afternoon.  We traveled 10.5 miles.  The glorious weather made for a lovely time of cycling.  Our conversation was better: intense, honest, supportive, and authentic.

         The guy that rode with me today provided perspective re-garding a vexing issue that, since early March, has stuck with me.  This subject involves an annoying piece of gum attached to the bottom of the shoe of my consciousness.  Its sticky sound constantly reminds me of its presence as I walk on the linoleum of life.

          My cycling companion and I had dinner at Jim's Cafe in Alame-da.  We covered the bugaboo of resentment; our time was pro-ductive and insightful. We looked at satisfying remedies that allow us to have peace of mind.

         I'm progressing with my attitude towards the problem that has troubled me since last month. It's not something I want to do, but I will tackle it eventually. I will call the person who created it.

      I'm growing in my will-ingness to talk with this individual who jolted me last month by re-opening an old emotional scar that I hadn't thought about in a long while.  It looks like it's time to use the butter knife of forgiveness to scrape off negative feelings that gummed up the sole of my thinking. 

***********

         After dinner, I scooted over to Grand Ave., connecting with friends on the island.  Someone shared her story of growing up with an alcohol-ic, heroin-addicted mother, who gave birth to her when six-teen.  The speaker was transparent and honest and vulnerable and positive----her talk was a heartfelt message of encouragement.

       Her progress, using the principles and the fellowship of Al-Anon Family Groups, helps her have peace and clarity during stressful moments----something she didn't know as a child.  She mentioned perspectives that allow her to overcome dark clouds that previously obscured her happiness.
     

        Her comments were a great reminder. She mentioned how she realizes she can't control her husband.  But she's learned she can control how she chooses to respond to him.

       Her newfound recovery-based sanity provides her with clarity and ease; she has discov-ered a source of tranquility in areas that once irritated her.  I'm happy for her and glad I heard her herald truths I need to heed----at all times.

My Gratitude for Today: 
1.  I rested. Even though it was a restless rest, I semi-rested.  That's the progress, not perfection, of a vital area affecting my health.  Halting relieves my muddled mind.  When I don't get enough sleep, I can't think straight.  Isn't that also true for you?
2.  I spent time reading today, one of my favorite things.  I love discovering new truths and the growing awareness it provides.

Complaining Only Makes Our Problems Larger and More Disturbing ..........9/20/12

     Hi there, everyone,

How was your Wednesday? I running a bit behind. Usually I get my entries before the midnight witching hour.  Not so, today.

      Tuesday, I handled the

Life With an Emotional Bully...................... 7/5/12

 "Put on the glasses of optimism and you’ll see a world of potential."
Image: "Countryside: Spring Crops" by Tim Blessed. Copyrighted photo.
Used by permission.  Quote by the photographer.

My Gratitudes for Today
1. God provided for me. I'm thankful for His abundance. I find comfort in knowing

Calmness in the Eye of an Emotional Storm: Not Allowing Others to Affect Our Serenity or Self-Image: Dealing with Bullies................ ...................6/19/12

          Good evening everyone,
I wrote what follows this picture a year ago, last March. I'm bumping it up, in case you missed it. It's so easy surrendering our boundaries, becoming intimidated, finding ourselves like deer frozen in the headlights when relating with an angry, intimidating or manipulative individual.
        Below is my response to such an occasion.  I'm thankful that I no longer accept unacceptable behavior, nor please unpleasant people, nor bear the burden of another's

Freedom From the Tyranny of Other People's Feelings, Revisited ............4/20/12

“When a person doesn’t have gratitude, something is missing in his or her humanity.
A person can almost be defined by his or her attitude toward gratitude.” Elie Wiesel

        How are you?
I'm bumping this up. I originally wrote this October 14th of last year. I updated it this morning.  Let me know what you think. This is worth discussion. It addresses a problem most people

Extricating Ourselves from Enmeshing Legacies and Difficult Circumstances 4/7/12

He's in a bog. Care needed when enmeshed
in a bog of circumstances that don't serve us.
This fellow is a codependent. That's why he's
happy. He's accustomed to being stuck in a
mess.  Life offers more: peace of mind. 

      Below, is a letter written to someone enmeshed in an destructive, emotionally abusive, addictive relationship.  I'm sharing it with guests to this inn.

       It deals with externally referenting  (another view of codependency), low self-esteem, the need for character discernment and defensive hope.

     Dear _________,

A big part of our disease is that, without working on healthy alternatives in the areas where we are vulnerable, using the resources of a mentor, or connecting with emotionally mature others, we allow those who disturb us to own big chunks of our mind and heart. We give away our serenity.

      We are easily externally referented. [Yes, that's a word. For more about this concept, please read here.] When in the grips of this malady, our conversation and thoughts are consumed, dwelling on the person we want to please, usually due to us not having intrinsic sense of worth. 

       Often these individuals are emotional bullies.  Upon meeting us, they can smell our codependent qualities----through lead.  They abuse us because of our deep-seated need for their approval. And low self-esteem.

       Externally referented, we focus on the needs of others.  We wonder why we suffer from depression, self-loathing and anxiety when the answer is we are neglecting our needs, behavior, thoughts. Our options are overlooked. (Courage to Change, p 359)  We assume the victim role.  That's what I notice about those who relate with narcissists and emotional bullies. 

"Acting like a victim is a choice, not a destiny." 

          Hope For Today, p. 189.  

      When we view ourselves as victims, we don't see our contributions to the troubled relationship.

Looking back, I can accept that plenty of unacceptable behavior was directed at me, but I was the one who sat and took it and often came back for more. I was a willing participant in a dance that required two partners. I felt like a victim, but in many ways I was a volunteer.

Today, as a result of my [growth] I know that I am not helpless.  I have choices. When I get that old feeling that tells me I am a victim, I can regard it as a red flag, a warning that I may be participating (with my thoughts or my actions) in something that is not in my best interest. I can resist the temptation to blame others and look to my own involvement instead.  That’s where I can make changes.                         Courage to Change, p. 361

      We deserve better than tolerating abuse.  Allowing it speaks volumes about our low self-esteem.

      Often we don't see reality. We live in a fantasy. Defensive Hope.  [For guests to the inn, more about this subject can be found here. You'll be glad you did.] Insanity is not doing the same thing, again and again, seeking a different result. 

      No, it isn't, despite what many in recovery say.

      Such behavior is a symptom of insanity.  What causes us to do so is the insanity: we don't want to face reality. We'd rather believe fiction, a fantasy about the relationship, how the relationship will be if we only try harder, give more and please these unpleasant people who are emotional vampires. 

      This is is the tell-tale, screaming indicator that we in the grips of the disease of external referenting.  We don't get better by isolating----healing ourselves by our efforts alone.  Characterological growth requires a different consciousness than the one that created the problem---our own thinking and feelings---our distorted values. [To read more about this, click here. ]  

       Seeing things through the prism of damaged self-esteem, due to growing up in an unhealthy home---perhaps one harmed by alcoholism, verbal and/or physical, emotional abuse---is a chancy proposition.  Often the ideals learned there, aren't. Other conditions that make a troubled home include perfectionism, raging, mental illness or emotionally unavailable parents.  

       This is where Al-Anon Family Groups extremely helpful.  However, this organization is not for those who need it: it's for those who want it.  I know it has a great source of help for me.  The best I've ever found. [Please see note at the end of this post.]

      I'd encourage you to return to meetings. Of course, that's your choice.  For me, I'd rather stay in the solution and learn alternatives rather than emotionally staying in the funk of depression and battered self-esteem.

"A situation in which the lives and sanity of an entire family are at stake is not so easily solved, but the super optimist resolutely clings to the illusion that Al-Anon Family Groups can fix everything. It "fixes" nothing. That is up to us. Not in the once-a-week meeting alone, but with plenty of in-between reading, constant recall of the principles, and constant use. Al-Anon does have the formula, but it is we who must use it."  One Day at A Time, p. 351.

       Legacies created by generational abuse and neglect will not be overcome by only investing one hour a week in overcoming these areas. (One Day, same page.)  No, transformation requires hard work, learning better principles and getting help from supportive others.  Growth and recovery does not happen without effort.

       I believe happiness and a better future is worth the struggle. Don't you?

Related Post: 

Life Is Not A Correspondence Program

Innkeeper's Note: Al-Anon Family Groups is not Alcoholics Anonymous. It is a separate, entity for those who relate or have lived with an Alcoholic. Even if you didn't, you qualify if you live with or grew up in a home marked by emotional drama, perfectionism, controlling or emotionally unavailable parents.

Taming the Dragons Within. Have You Ever Heard of Al-Anon Family Groups? It May Tame Your Dragons, Too.

”The best way to pay for a lovely 
moment is to enjoy it.” — Richard Bach

    Good evening,
I just got in.  How was your day?
My Gratitudes for Wednesday:
Paying Ninety-nine dollars for wisdom
1. I found out what's wrong with my car.
     I'm going to fix it at a $avings of $500.00. That's a pretty good deal. My mechanic used his diagnostic machines to let me know the problem and a bang of the hammer to temporarily fix it.
     I thought it

Freedom from Other People's Judgments. An Overview of Codependency ..... ..................10/14/11

"I have been young, and now I am old; yet
 have  I not seen the righteous forsaken,
nor His seed begging bread."  Ps. 37:25

“When a person doesn’t have gratitude, something is
missing in his or her humanity.A person can almost
be defined by his or her attitude toward gratitude.”
        Elie Wiesel

        How are you?

I'll get to today's subject in just a minute, after today's gratitudes. But first...........
A Provision Perspective that Promotes Peace 

     In this weak economy many are anxious about financial security.  I realize
neither my income nor my job are the source of my provision:

Feeling Good (And Escaping Codependency)

      Did this glass get your attention?  Good.  This post may not go where you think. Today, I am happy.  I helped a needed cause.  The proceeds of Saturday's garage sale supports a resource that helps adult children of alcoholics.  It's a meeting where attendees learn coping skills----how to thrive while living----or having lived----with a manipulative, and perhaps abusive,

Courage: Speaking Truth with Kindness & Courtesy (also, Seeking God's Will Amidst the Clutter of Life's Demands.) .....4/19/11

Thank God for beautiful flowers!

       My gratitudes for today, while it is yet Tuesday:

1. Someone strayed from general principles that are foundational for Al-Anon Family Groups.  Unfortunately, her influence disrupted the unity among members. I spoke with her privately this evening, after a meeting we attended.  When I finished, she wrinkled her nose and said, "Thank you."

      It was clear she was annoyed.  That's okay.  I'm glad I spoke calmly and courteously.  How she chooses to respond is up to her.  I spoke from my perspective, how I felt about her actions.

     I mentioned the need for unity, harmony and fellowship.  After I shared my concerns, I let it go.   Her response was not my focus. Time will tell.  The results are in God's hands.  I "Let Go and Let God."

     I'm thankful for the courage I exercised this evening, this person has an aggressive personality.

3. Cooperation is always great.  Healthy, considerate communication invigorates my soul.  I'm glad I spoke my truth with this woman after the meeting. It's important for me to understand others and to be understood.

4. Early this morning, before the day got started, I listed my priorities.

        I did so, prayerfully.  I submitted these tasks before God, asking for His guidance.  It's a great,  getting many tasks accomplished.

       What was more satisfying, was operating from a perspective seeking His Will.  What I did today was not a result of hustling, making things happen, in my own strength alone.

"The mind of man plans his ways but the Lord directs his (man's) steps."   Prov. 16:9

"Commit your ways to the Lord and your plans shall be established."    Prov. 16:3

Time With Family

       I'm meeting with my oldest son tomorrow, for lunch.  It's overdue.   Nothing is greater than investing in family.  I pray God blesses our time.

       My son is a gift from God----a considerate young man.  He's working hard, finishing his degree at a nearby university.  I'm convinced the best thing I can do for my sons is to let them know how proud I am of them, love them and be available, if they need me.

5.  I appreciate the time my son and I will have to connect

6.  One of my best friends I'll see this Thursday.

     I was his best man when he got married and he was mine, when I got married. We've known each other since the 7th grade. We went through school and sports together.  Meeting with him allows me to enjoy mutuality, terrific conversation, deep love for each other, stability, and the support that only an old friend provides.

     Thank you, everyone, for dropping by.  May I ask you to share your gratitudes?  I know many of you are still getting used to this place which is essentially a gratitude journal for Blogger's cyber community.  Don't you think now would be a good time to exercise your gratitude muscles?  I hope and believe so.
     

Nonviolent Communication: Best Way to Get Needs Met. A Tale of Two Approaches ...................4/8/11

    One Approach to Conflict
 Not Advised:

      Last night was interesting, almost entertaining. I cer-tainly didn't need to watch TV to witness drama.  I attended a business meeting for a non-profit organiz-ation.  Initially, the meeting went pretty well.  Attending sessions like these I've done for more than twenty years.  We covered the agenda items. 

      A budget issue was brought up; one person suggested setting aside money for an upcoming expense that will require more money than is normally spent.  Fair enough.  Before the vote, there was discussion about the motion.  

        This is where it got exciting.  The only thing missing was the popcorn and the seats with cup holders for drinks. We tabled the issue until we could get information about the projected expenses, a reasonable conclusion. 

         It's amazing what reason can do, or so I thought.  One member became agitated, the conversation turned for the worse.  This person, the one who had made the recommendation, stood up, raising his voice.  It was “ridiculous” that we didn’t take action, right then, we were emphatically informed.   Others disagreed. The issue didn't need addressing until October.

         I mindlessly reached for the bag of popcorn, but it wasn't there.  Darn.  But, I was glued to the unfolding theatrics. The chairman bolted from the room, insulted.  The distraught person continued lecturing, the veins in his forehead standing out, his body shaking. 

         Wow, this was pretty good.  I didn't even have to pay to view this performance. Two committee members listened to the tirade, their bodies turned away from this angry guy.  A third member faced the agitated individual, a defensive smile screwed onto her face, but uttered nothing.  

   

         Me?  I took it all in.  I didn't dare go to the bathroom, seeing the conclusion of this stage show was a must. 

         I don’t argue with a drunk person.  This agitated person was emotionally intoxicated.  Knowing that allowed me to relax, not taking his actions personally. 

        The climax came when he stated this situation was like his family.  When he was a kid, he was never listened to.  Yep, he actually said that.

        Striding to the door, he yelled his resignation. It would be a long time before he ever came back.  I waited for the credits to show and the curtain to close.  Instead, the meeting ended in stunned silence. 

A Better Approach to Conflict: 

Nonviolent Communication

        Blame, shame, fear, guilt and judgment don’t help, when making a point. They are forms of life alienating communication.  Every one of these negative techniques were used this evening.  These techniques are a form of violence: emotional coercion

        It’s best expressing the needs beneath our feelings.  Followed up with a request for meeting them.  In tonight's case, his need may have been effectiveness or being heard.  We listened; we simply disagreed. These are principles from nonviolent communication, you can read more about it here and here. 

My Gratitudes: 

1.  I’m glad for seeing the humor in last night's event.     

2.  I didn't pay an admission price other than the slight annoyance of hearing someone rant.  The ineffectiveness of using anger to make a point was vividly displayed. 

3.  No longer get triggered---agitated---during times of conflict adds greatly to my serenity and equanimity. What a relief it is, staying present, responding and not reacting.  

Take Two
Using A Healthier Approach To Conflict

       Yesterday, I took steps towards improving a relationship with a client, addressing uncomfortable issues.  Being patronized doesn't work for me.  My concerns were mentioned, my need for dignity in our interactions.  My point was made without making an enemy. 

       The outcome was positive.  The concerns were heard; this person will change how he relates with me.  

      Speaking respectfully, while disagreeing is one form of spiritual weightlifting.  It requires effort and can be awkward, especially in the heat of an emotionally charged moment.  It's easier to fight, I know. 

      But the consequences of conflict are usually dire: tension, resentment and anger.  I've learned that the more I do relational weightlifting, using nonviolent communication, the stronger I get, like any other habit.  The best part is that it gets easier with practice.  This is placing principles above personalities, including mine. 

      I'm happy that---during emotional times, like last night----when we replace default reactions with healthier responses, characterological growth occurs.  We are eradicating unhelpful, established patterns----yelling, blaming shaming, etc., that contribute to discord.  I'm thankful that, by responding instead of reacting, healthy dialogue possible.  "Let it begin with me."

      We may not be able to control our circumstances, but we do have control over our responses.  Harmony is no longer contingent upon others or external circumstances, but where I choose to focus.  This realization provides plenty of gratitude.

      Today, while relating with a difficult client, harmony prevailed.  That's not guaranteed. Thankfully, the other person heard my concerns.  Am I’m glad.  Our relationship is improving.  I'll take victories where peace reigns, anytime.

How About You? 
What do you do when you need to address a need of yours? I'd love hearing your response.

Related Post: 
Expressing Feelings, Part II