Responding to An Emotional Meltdown, Nonviolent Communication Is Way Better......4/19/13

"Like an earring of fine gold is a wise man's reprove to a
listening ear. " Prov. 25:12. The challenge is learning how
 to respond, not react and how to be loving instead of
spiteful, when we are frustrated. 

    Thank you, to my Russian and German guests, you have been dropping by, a lot.  Those who hail from the land of Tolstoy have been twenty-five percent of the readership for this month.  Ten percent of the visitors to this inn have been those from the land of Goethe.  I'm glad you're finding encouragement here.  A tip of my cap also goes out to those of you who hail from the United States. As always, you are the largest number who pass through the doors of this inn.

     This morning, I encountered an angry man.  No fun.  Even with all my training and experience, it's still

Being an Adult---Saying No Gently, Without Fear, Getting Out of the Fog............................................. 10/26/11

“God gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today. Have you
 used one to say “thank you?”  William Arthur Ward Please
do so today by posting a gratitude. It will do you good. 

      I love seeing peo-ple grow in aware-ness. Today, I spoke with several consid-ering their options.  They no longer auto-matically accommo-date the needs of others when others make demands.

       Part of being an adult happens when we disa-gree, agreeably.  Expressing our opinion, voicing what we want, creates a great antidote to depression or resentment. If we fear dif-fering with others, we will find ourselves in a one-down relationship. 

       It's frustrating and dis-empowering to yield our values to others.  Often we don't want to create a stink or we fear harming the connec-tion. If someone doesn't respect our values, what type of relationship do we have?

       Yielding to others, in order to please, has an unpleasant impact upon our emotions (we become angry or depressed),  our mental state (we can fall into self-loathing or nega-tivity), and our physical well-being.(think of getting hives, high blood pressure or strokes).

       All such negative conse-quences result from not exercising boundaries.  We do not know how to say our "no" as gently as our yes.  It helps remembering that "no" forms a complete sentence. We have a right to refuse without explanation.

     If someone displays anger because we say no, they reveal much.  They want us to make decisions based upon their reaction, not our principles.  By giving in, we place their personality above our values.  Our emotional health develops when we place principles first.

      Their angry response violates a basic right of ours as adults, the right to make choices.  There's a word when someone uses anger, blame, shame, fear, or guilt to motivate us: manipulation.  It's emo-tional coercion, a form of violence.  

       Giving in to a bully reveals emotional slavery. 

 "Guilty or reluctant compli-          ance is never operating                from love; it is slavery."  

                Changes That Heal, p. 126. 

     When we yield to the coercion of others, we ransom our freedom.  We are surrendering our integrity.  We are not being true to our values.  

     We believe to keep the relationship we have to give in.  Is that in our best interests?  You know the answer. 

     The angry person wants control over our lives and what we choose.  Not a good deal.  When this happens, we should be energized regarding our stance and opposition. 

   

      Their behavior informs us, at least at that moment, he or she is neither considering our opinion nor feel-ings.  We must insist on having reciprocity, bal-ance, and fairness in all our relationships. 

      This is where we need to get out of the FOG, fear, obliga-tion, or guilt.  When we live in the fog we are not operating from love or independence.  Yielding against our wishes only alienates the relationship, creating frustration and resentment within us. 

      For meaningful relationships, we speak our truth calmly, without fear.  When we do, we will have better connections with others.  Because we are letting them bond with whom we really are. 

My Gratitudes

1.  I met with friends this evening. Wariness happens after going through an emotional hurricane Monday.  I saw someone at tonight's event, resolving an issue. I enjoy reducing clutter in the attic of my mind.

2.  I got reimbursed for expenses for com-munity service I do. I appreciate working with others who have integrity and follow through with their responsibilities---in this case taking care of money owed.
3. My two younger sons are joining me Friday for two seminars I'll attend that day. They are serious about wanting to grow in their effectiveness professionally, financially, and in their interactions with others.

     I'm proud to have sons who want to take a serious look at areas where they can grow. I appreciate seeing them continually mature, characterologically, before my eyes. I'm happy we'll be able to share the day together. What a treat. Really.  

     Okay, you know the routine. I ask visitors to please sign the registry by sharing three gratitudes.  Today, if that is daunting, I'll go easy: I'll ask for one. I appreciate the fellowship and community we share when you do comment here. Thanks!

Related Post:

Being Gentle When Expressing Our View

Freedom from Other People's Judgments. An Overview of Codependency ..... ..................10/14/11

"I have been young, and now I am old; yet
 have  I not seen the righteous forsaken,
nor His seed begging bread."  Ps. 37:25

“When a person doesn’t have gratitude, something is
missing in his or her humanity.A person can almost
be defined by his or her attitude toward gratitude.”
        Elie Wiesel

        How are you?

I'll get to today's subject in just a minute, after today's gratitudes. But first...........
A Provision Perspective that Promotes Peace 

     In this weak economy many are anxious about financial security.  I realize
neither my income nor my job are the source of my provision:

Maintaining Our Values In Spite of Pressures from Others 6/28/11

     How are you?

I'll talk about the topic of forgiveness at the end of this post.  Thanks for dropping by. Be sure to have a cup of coffee and sit down, before reading this post; it's a bit longer than most.  Please take what you like and leave the rest.
Having Our Voice, Exercising Boundaries

Disagreeing with Others is Part of Being an Adult

         One of my favorite quotes is on the right.  What's appealing about that quote?  Freedom. It's important maintaining integrity with our values, even if it upsets others.

Opportunities for Spiritual Weight Lifting Part III Expressing Our Voice 6/23/11

        Good afternoon!

Welcome to all who drop by this inn of thanksgiving. Don't you like the pictures on the walls?  They are the work of the Englishman, Tim Blessed, a gifted photographer. Sprucing up this place in cyberspace is fun.

     A marvelous week, this was.  Seeing myself getting stronger, characterologically, nurtures my optimism. Emotional dust storms happened this week, when relating with others. That's when the fun began.  I'm  not saying this because I like drama.  Far from it.

     As we grow in our relationships with others, difficulties become opportunities for spiritual weight lifting.  We learn how to exercise strength----applying healthy principles---even with those who are hurtful.  What a deal!

Suffering Loss, Detaching With Love, Winning the Grand Prix of Life ............6/9/11 Alexander Part IV

    Hello everyone,

I'll talk about winning the Grand Prix in just a minute, after these comments and my gratitudes.  First, I want to process my feelings.

     This was not a good night.

Expressing Feelings of Loss

A Rare Occurrence for the Innkeeper

       Regarding words, a stickler I can be. I did not greet you with a "good evening" tonight, my usual intro. It's not; Alexander the Grey(t) died tonight.

       For those who don't know, he was a cat I dearly loved.  I have been tending to this Russian Blue with hospice care for six months. For more info, please read this post, this here, or click the blue link in the previous paragraph.

       A pall envelopes me as I write.  I'm at his house.  In the living room, he lies lifeless. I already miss him.
       I loved his quietly persistent and curmudgeon personality.  The latter was a facade.  Despite his serious-looking mug, he was a junkie for

Responding Not Reacting, Part II ( An Opportunity for Growth, Spiritual Weightlifting) ...................5/30/11

Emotionally Charged Conversations

       When disagree-ing with someone, awareness that we have limited knowl-edge, helps.

       We don't know what's right in every situation.  During such times, the acronym THINK helps.  We want to ask, "Are my comments and behavior Thoughtful, Honest, Intelligent, Necessary and Kind?"

Expressing Feelings Part II 5/20/11

        It great when we express our feelings in a way that's constructive, helpful and affirming while still taking care of our needs. Ongoing practice of these skills helps if they are to become a regular part of our life.  We want to be mindful that:

      1. Often what we think of as expressing our feelings is really a judgment.  Example: " I feel you are disrespectful."   That's more a statement of what we believe

A Country Walk

 

This is a trip down memory lane: I posted this in another community.  

My gratitudes for today:

1.  I took a trip along a country road, two miles from my home. It was sensory overload of the heavenly kind.  The air was crisp.  I breathed in the scenery and walked for an hour and a half. My view stretched out for 12-14 miles.  Rolling hills, lush greenery, four white goats "baaaaaa, baaaa"ing, as I walked past their stable.  Chestnut-colored horses----with blazes naturally painted down their faces----extended their necks over the barbed wire fences that lined the country road.  As I strolled by, their eyes pleaded for the length of their noses to be scratched. It was an invigorating change from my urban routine, to view cattle grazing----from a distance of 10 feet.  Their month-old calves drank from them as they stood in a field, just beyond my outstretched arm. 

  I'm grateful for time alone with God and His countryside.

2.  I'm thankful for my sweatshirt, vest, wool knit cap, scarf and gloves.  Hey, it was cold out there------maybe 58 degrees!  Brrrrrr!

3.   For the majestic view of the SF Bay Area as I reached the top of a hill luminescently green due to recent rains.  I stood next to a ruggedly handsome barn, its slouched and patched together sides betrayed the age of its character-filled redwood planks.  This red rustic repository for hay, scurrying mice and an occasional owl was a century and two score in years.  The Bay Area it overlooked.  Although I hiked after 6:00 p.m., I arrived at this spot while it was yet daylight, the virtue of getting off Daylight Savings Time.  A creek that ran through a near-by grove of oak trees sang out as I drank in the view of the bay, the San Francisco peninsula and enjoyed nature's tranquility. 

4.  For my continued health.  Not long ago, I was flat on my back and deathly ill-----thank you, Jesus, for making me whole, not only spiritually, but now physically, too!

5.  For good friends with whom I can speak honestly (but courteously and with kindness, too). See below.

6.  For not allowing a friend, who works as a manager, to dominate when we visited yesterday.  "You may be able to control conversations with other people but I'm uncomfortable with you doing so with me----we're equals."  (Our conversation was as equal adults after that comment----an unusual experience for him.)

7.   For the joy of being an adult.  Part of being an adult is that we can disagree with others.  We want to say what we mean, mean what we say, but not say it meanly.

      Okay, guys, those are enough gratitudes from me, I heading out to one of my favorite towns, the island town of Alameda. 

          The Innkeeper of the Attitude Inn,

Staying in the Solution: Much Better Than Assigning Blame 5/13/11

    It's great being in the saddle again. Yesterday, from one p.m. on, I was unable to post in this inn; the Blogger system was down, even after midnight, Left Coast time.

.   How are each of you doing?  Today was a crazy day. I'm pooped. Over five miles I hiked today. I got several errands done.

My gratitudes for Friday:

1. I'm tending to Alexander, a cat that's dying. He's 15 and a half years old. I love the guy. The feeling is mutual. Soon, he'll be gone. It tugs at my heart when this formerly aloof cat climbs out of his death bed, to see me, whenever I drop by. When I'm not around, he doesn't do that; he just lays on top of his cat pillow that's warmed with a vet-approved electric blanket made for house pets.Except for this story.  I enjoy the love and fellowship we share.
2. I got additional funding recently. I'm thankful for the additional resources. More importantly, I'm grateful for habits and principles that allow me to maximize and do a better job as a steward of God's provision. 
3.  I'm happy I'll see a friend tomorrow. It's been a long time since we visited---since February. This friend I've known since 1997. I'm thankful for the stability I enjoy with long-established friends. Tomorrow, we'll take in lunch and views of the San Francisco Bay.
4. Last night I slept for eight hours. That's exceptional for me. It feels terrific to get rest. I needed it----today was a doozy. I was in three different towns and got plenty of exercise. 
5.  This morning, I wrote in a newspaper for a city that's about sixty miles from my home. I took a stand against negativity and criticism against a writer that I like. I stated that it's better to say what we want, than to complain about what we don't have. Here's an excerpt:

"It amazes me how quickly we judge a person if that

individual doesn’t do what we want. We assign blame to 

them; frequently, we consider them as bad, or some other

negative interpretation of their character. In this case, 

many who’ve written above vented their frustrations due 

to [the writer in question not covering a subject they want

covered, in the newspaper].

It’s usually better staying in the solution. Complaining 

about what troubles us only makes the things that bother

us loom larger and more disturbing.

I grew up in San Jose, near Campbell; I’ve been a life-

long Bay Area resident. I think it’s better if we appreciate

the uniqueness offered by each part of the San Francisco

Bay Area, rather than denigrating one region, because we

live in another. I find contentment doesn’t require much. 

I find the following quote gives me perspective that contrib-

utes to more joy in my life.

'All happy people are grateful. Ungrateful people cannot
be happy. We tend to think that being unhappy leads
people to complain, but it is truer to say that complaining
leads people to becoming unhappy.'

I don’t ask anyone to agree with me. Take what you like and leave the rest."

by Pablo Fuentes

*********************************************

       After I submitted this response in the Press Democrat, which covers the Santa Rosa area of the the North Bay, the complaints stopped.   There were over 20 complaints before I added my two cents.

       I'm thankful for taking a stand in a world that considers it sophisticated to whine, complain, be sarcastic, or cynical. As David Foster Wallace said:

Irony and negativity can critique but it can’t nourish or redeem.

6. I'm grateful for having a different opinion and the strength to express it. I used non-violent communication (NVC, for more about this, please click here.): I expressed my observations, feelings about them, my needs and my requests regarding them without using the five forms of life-alienating communication: blame, shame, fear, guilt or judgment. 

     Please let me know what you thoughts, even if you read this months from now. Your responses add life to this place and your insights I value: I can always grow by seeing your point of view. Mine is limited.

Parading the Elephant: Expressing What Bothers Us........ 5/7/11

What did the grape say when the elephant
 stepped on it?  (Answer below)

          It has been an emo-tionally miserable week.

         It was filled with frustration.  I didn't think it would be, but such has been the case.  There has been lots of exhaling, let-ting out stress, along with my breath.  Encountering tension is not fun.

         The following link is helpful if you want to know if, like me, you're relating with an emotional bully.  Click here.

     I have been an elephant walker, and driver, this week.  The elephant in the living room of a troubled relationship has been paraded by yours truly.  I took the elephant with me everywhere.  It was a tight fit in the car, but my floppy-eared visitor and I visited a dear friend or two.

     Thankfully, these companions helped in giving it a bath----remov-ing some of the crud off of this unwieldy pachyderm, by offering perspective.

      As a result, I see this Jumbo-sized situation for what it is.  It is an opportunity for exercising principles.  Along with living by them.  It is important doing so firmly----but graciously----regardless of the resis-tance encountered.  This is especially true when I'm with the emotional bully that is making life miserable.

       Naming the elephant, discussing my concerns, with my buddies hasn't made circumstances better.   But I feel better.   This critter is not nudging my serenity as much as it was. I find the following helpful dur- ing troubling times:

     Life doesn't always go smoothly or peacefully, even though I wish it would.  In the past when something bother-ed me, I’d say nothing rather than face an argument.  It seemed better to be upset than risk upsetting someone else. The results were usually disastrous.  I would become irritable and unreasonable. I'd let resentment fester. 

    Today, I suspect adversity has value I hadn't recognized.  When I face adversity and deal with my problems or express my feelings, things have a chance to improve. [If I don’t mention my concerns there is no chance of it improving.] 

    Even if they don’t, I release the pressure I  feel.  I’m new at this. I don’t do it very gracefully yet.  Sometimes it’s scary a my words are not exactly welcomed. Nevertheless, I feel better when I finally begin living life on life’s terms. 

    Looking back, I see how much I’ve grown.  I wouldn’t have chosen the crises in my life.  But since [applying heal-thy principles], I’ve learned every problem can help me change for the better.  It can deepen my faith, adding to my self-esteem.

    The Chinese word for crisis is written with two charact-ers. The first stands for danger, the second for opportunity.  I'll look for the good hidden within everything I encounter.

‘There is no such thing as a problem without a gift             for you in its hands.’      Courage to Change, p. 139

'll be happy when my elephant becomes this size
Don't laugh, I've seen it happen with other elephants

 in my life!

How About You? 

How are you at expressing what troubles you?  

  Wishing each of you a terrific day, and look forward to your response.

The answer to the question above: the grape did not say anything---it gave a little wine. 

Nonviolent Communication: Best Way to Get Needs Met. A Tale of Two Approaches ...................4/8/11

    One Approach to Conflict
 Not Advised:

      Last night was interesting, almost entertaining. I cer-tainly didn't need to watch TV to witness drama.  I attended a business meeting for a non-profit organiz-ation.  Initially, the meeting went pretty well.  Attending sessions like these I've done for more than twenty years.  We covered the agenda items. 

      A budget issue was brought up; one person suggested setting aside money for an upcoming expense that will require more money than is normally spent.  Fair enough.  Before the vote, there was discussion about the motion.  

        This is where it got exciting.  The only thing missing was the popcorn and the seats with cup holders for drinks. We tabled the issue until we could get information about the projected expenses, a reasonable conclusion. 

         It's amazing what reason can do, or so I thought.  One member became agitated, the conversation turned for the worse.  This person, the one who had made the recommendation, stood up, raising his voice.  It was “ridiculous” that we didn’t take action, right then, we were emphatically informed.   Others disagreed. The issue didn't need addressing until October.

         I mindlessly reached for the bag of popcorn, but it wasn't there.  Darn.  But, I was glued to the unfolding theatrics. The chairman bolted from the room, insulted.  The distraught person continued lecturing, the veins in his forehead standing out, his body shaking. 

         Wow, this was pretty good.  I didn't even have to pay to view this performance. Two committee members listened to the tirade, their bodies turned away from this angry guy.  A third member faced the agitated individual, a defensive smile screwed onto her face, but uttered nothing.  

   

         Me?  I took it all in.  I didn't dare go to the bathroom, seeing the conclusion of this stage show was a must. 

         I don’t argue with a drunk person.  This agitated person was emotionally intoxicated.  Knowing that allowed me to relax, not taking his actions personally. 

        The climax came when he stated this situation was like his family.  When he was a kid, he was never listened to.  Yep, he actually said that.

        Striding to the door, he yelled his resignation. It would be a long time before he ever came back.  I waited for the credits to show and the curtain to close.  Instead, the meeting ended in stunned silence. 

A Better Approach to Conflict: 

Nonviolent Communication

        Blame, shame, fear, guilt and judgment don’t help, when making a point. They are forms of life alienating communication.  Every one of these negative techniques were used this evening.  These techniques are a form of violence: emotional coercion

        It’s best expressing the needs beneath our feelings.  Followed up with a request for meeting them.  In tonight's case, his need may have been effectiveness or being heard.  We listened; we simply disagreed. These are principles from nonviolent communication, you can read more about it here and here. 

My Gratitudes: 

1.  I’m glad for seeing the humor in last night's event.     

2.  I didn't pay an admission price other than the slight annoyance of hearing someone rant.  The ineffectiveness of using anger to make a point was vividly displayed. 

3.  No longer get triggered---agitated---during times of conflict adds greatly to my serenity and equanimity. What a relief it is, staying present, responding and not reacting.  

Take Two
Using A Healthier Approach To Conflict

       Yesterday, I took steps towards improving a relationship with a client, addressing uncomfortable issues.  Being patronized doesn't work for me.  My concerns were mentioned, my need for dignity in our interactions.  My point was made without making an enemy. 

       The outcome was positive.  The concerns were heard; this person will change how he relates with me.  

      Speaking respectfully, while disagreeing is one form of spiritual weightlifting.  It requires effort and can be awkward, especially in the heat of an emotionally charged moment.  It's easier to fight, I know. 

      But the consequences of conflict are usually dire: tension, resentment and anger.  I've learned that the more I do relational weightlifting, using nonviolent communication, the stronger I get, like any other habit.  The best part is that it gets easier with practice.  This is placing principles above personalities, including mine. 

      I'm happy that---during emotional times, like last night----when we replace default reactions with healthier responses, characterological growth occurs.  We are eradicating unhelpful, established patterns----yelling, blaming shaming, etc., that contribute to discord.  I'm thankful that, by responding instead of reacting, healthy dialogue possible.  "Let it begin with me."

      We may not be able to control our circumstances, but we do have control over our responses.  Harmony is no longer contingent upon others or external circumstances, but where I choose to focus.  This realization provides plenty of gratitude.

      Today, while relating with a difficult client, harmony prevailed.  That's not guaranteed. Thankfully, the other person heard my concerns.  Am I’m glad.  Our relationship is improving.  I'll take victories where peace reigns, anytime.

How About You? 
What do you do when you need to address a need of yours? I'd love hearing your response.

Related Post: 
Expressing Feelings, Part II

The Opening of this Inn: Hey, I'd Enjoy Hearing Your Gratitudes .......................................... 3/13/11

Welcome to this journal of expressing our gratitudes!

     Thanks for dropping by. I've been writing for a closed community that deals with health, fitness and nutrition. It's closing. So, here's my new digs. I'll work on making this site more attractive. There's much I still need to learn about creating my own blog. Well, at least I've established a beachhead in this world of cyberspace.I ask if you could please share three things for which you are grateful by posting them here. This place will be a gratitude journal for those wanting to reorient themselves and detach from the negativity that pervades the world.