Tuesday, June 28

Maintaining Our Values In Spite of Pressures from Others 6/28/11

     How are you?

I'll talk about the topic of forgiveness at the end of this post.  Thanks for dropping by. Be sure to have a cup of coffee and sit down, before reading this post; it's a bit longer than most.  Please take what you like and leave the rest.
Having Our Voice, Exercising Boundaries
Disagreeing with Others is Part of Being an Adult

         One of my favorite quotes is on the right.  What's appealing about that quote?  Freedom. It's important maintaining integrity with our values, even if it upsets others.
A point of clarification is in order. I'm not suggesting using our freedom to excuse rudeness, or abuse, be it verbal, emotional, physical, mental or spiritual.

    Expressing our concerns, kindly, when something troubles us, is essential for maintaining our serenity.
Communicating our needs in a way that motivates the listener to consider hearing us, is desirable. I say what concerns me, once----unless I'm asked to clarify.  I leave it at that.  Making a request, not a demand, when something troubles me, is the way I go about it.  If that doesn't work, looking at what can we do, so that the other person and myself can have both of our needs met, is my approach.

       One part of  adulthood is disagreeing. Not expressing our boundaries, adhering to our values, creates inner frustration.  Not mentioning what troubles us, courts danger.  Issues don't get better, when ignored.  Feelings can quickly pile up. We train others how to treat us, by standing for what's important.

 We also give them a message when we don't.  I agree with the statement on the right. No longer am I a willing participant when encountering emotional bullies.

      Communicating with respect, is best. Twisting a verbal knife into a person----using profanities, insults or derision, to make our point, is not appealing.  I know.  I've experienced it lately.  I thank God for having Balcony People.  Convincing people is not my job.  And, it's best not using spite.

     I spoke up elsewhere, disagreeing with another person who is intimidating and highly intelligent.  The lessons I learned:
1.  People like swearing.

     A few, in this other place in, assassinated my character.  The problem?  I asked them to stop using profanities.

     I did not see the point in them using gross profanities towards another---not me----simply because they don't agree.   Such language is unnecessary.  Apparently many feel it's acceptable.  I connect with others who show dignity, respect and courtesy, even towards those they disagree
     Putting others down, viciously, doesn't tell me much about the object of scorn. Instead, it's a statement about the person spewing out venom.  I'm not interested in relating with scorpions.  Please click here, for more about this.

2.  Some have a low view of faith.  It doesn't matter what our faith is, if our character isn't improved by it, we want to ask if it is a self-induced, cognitive faith, or a faith based on a spiritual connection.  God doesn't cheapen himself by demeaning, shaming, belittling others.
3.  My request for dignified speech was not taken kindly. That's okay, that's their prerogative.  Sanity begins when I see circumstances as they are. I'm not interested in changing others. People being respectful, when interacting with others, is my interest.  Respect is a basic courtesy, a human right that every person deserves.

My Gratitudes for Today:

1. I'm grateful for character discernment.
        It allows me to relate with safe people.  It permits me to know who are scorpions and who are frogs.  For more about how to distinguish those who are good and those who are unhealthy for us, read here.  I avoid those who aren't.  Not long ago, my people picker was broken.  Not so, now.  Now, I'm happier and have better friends.
2. I don't accept unacceptable behavior. We get what we tolerate.
3. I'm thankful I don't allow others determine my moods or define who I am. I don't surrender chunks of who I am, or my values, to keep a relationship.  When we do so, we put ourselves in a one-down relationship.
     Part of adulthood is moving from a one-down position (which was the case when we were a child) to becoming equal with other adults.  I treat others with respect, I equally need others to reciprocate.
4. I have values that motivate my reactions to others.  I am not externally referented--- basing my worth on how others treat me or their values. Their behavior towards me says nothing about my worth.  I have value simply because I'm God's child. By the way, the same is true with you.
5. I cherish emotionally mature friends. They are positive, optimistic and considerate. 
6. I'm glad that because I am bonded with good friends. My connection with them allows me to detach from those who are unable to show respect.
7. I'm thankful for forgiveness. If we don't forgive those who harm us, we become handcuffed to them. (See the latter part of this link.)  Bitterness is a corrosive toxicity that eats at our soul for lunch.  Forgiveness is the bolt cutter that frees us from these handcuffs.  Letting go removes us from the emotional and psychological attachment to those who have harmed us.
Forgiveness is not forgetting, 
it's letting go of the hurt.
How About You?
1. How are you, when it comes to disagreements?
2. What is your response, when attacked?  What need of yours is NOT met, when that happens?
3. What enables you to forgive others who are unkind?  What do you tell yourself?
Related Post:
Image: "Railway Bridge" by Tim Blessed © all rights reserved, used by permission


Josiah said...

Yes, courtesy and respect toward others is important. Even though we have a disagreement with someone we can still treat them kindly. Our words are to be used to build up people not tear them down.

Paul NorthernCal said...

Welcome, Josiah,

Thanks for dropping by! I'm in agreement with you. You said in a few words what I tried to say in many. It's a better world when we recognize a basic human right: all humans are to be treated with dignity and respect.

In my work, I've encountered hundreds, if not thousands of people who were not respected at home as a child, or in their marriages, as adults.

Unfortunately, many required hospitalization, later in life, their mental health was affected. This is where it's critical for us to have boundaries. We get what we tolerate.

Thank you, for reading and commenting. I hope to see you around, again!

Quotes from the Posts

"I'm mindful that our thoughts affect the words we use, our words influence our actions, our actions shape our character and our character determines our destiny."

From "My Character Determines My Destiny." To read it, please click here.

"Progress not perfection, is better than no progress at all, especially when we're trying to rid ourselves from unwelcome dragons that dwell within the closets of our soul."

From, "Still Learning" which, within four days, became the most popular post
written. To read it, please click here.

"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its trouble, but it does empty today of its strength"
From the post: "Life Is Not a Correspondence Program." Click here to read it.

"Even though we cannot control our circumstances, we can control how we choose to respond to them."

From, "Handling Stress and Dealing With an Emotional Bully."Click here to read this post.

"Nope, being busy isn't exciting. Boring is good. Because boring is not boring; boring is being healthy, living a balanced life that has serenity"

From: "Do You Know What It Means If You Are Too Busy?" For more, please click here.