Being Authentic, the Distasteful Qualities of Being Controlling........ 6/25/14

      More than two months ago, I wrote about authenticity, versus being controlling.  I'll say more, tonight.  Control patterns arise whenever we are fearful about being:

Calmness and Joy In the Midst of An Emotional Storm, Part II, Revisited 10/12/13

  How are you?

Today, I rested.  Was it needed. So many good things happen in my life, am I lucky.  I met with seven new clients this week.  Each session was amazing.  I love that I'm able to serve others, continuing my role as an innkeeper, assisting others, especially those mangled by abuse and self-loathing.

       I'm bumping up the following post,  written last year on the 10th of this month.  Let me hear you responses, I value your insights.  Here it is:

*****************

      The past few months have been inspiring, a time of characterological growth and learning.  More importantly, its been a season where I've seen the value of

I Did Not Receive the Light (I was De-Lighted, & Delighted In Standing My Ground). Also, Disappointment, Using Must Haves and Can't Stands 3/23/13

       Are you enjoying your weekend?  An unusual experience was had by the innkeeper today.  A trip to San Francisco, observing people practicing their faith was the occasion.  A person I know invited me.

       Emotionally drained, I am.  At the event, six people approached me ---ten times--- encouraging me to light up, and I'm not talking about a cigar.  Each time, quietly and with a warm smile, I declined. I can say my "no" as gently as my yes.

       First to entreat me was the head honcho, although she was a woman. Maybe I should call her the head honcha.  A power emanated from this Japanese woman as she approached me.  This faith is Japanese based.

       Confidently, she asked me, if I wanted to

Expressing Our Voice, Not Being Externally Referented, Protecting Ourselves From Emotional Vampires 12/4/12

Avoid emotional vampires

     Greetings to everyone,

Many suffer from depres-sion. Many are angry. Much of the world is filled with people gripped by the rav-ages of abuse. 

There's hope for overcoming these issues.  

Equanimity While Dealing With An Angry Person 11/19/12

       How are you?

Today was different from most days.  This evening was a time when I enjoyed equanimity, even when an emotional storm raged while I was relating with another

A Thankful Perspective: The Antidote to Despair: We Become Better, Not Bitter .........11/9/12

Knowing joy during dark times is like the sun penetrating through a rainstorm

Image: "Revealed" by Tim Blessed. Copyrighted photo, all rights reserved. 

        It's been raining the past two days.  Stress sneaks up and grabs me, if I'm not careful.  The nature of my work will take an emotional and spiritual toll, if I don't

Complaining Only Makes Our Problems Larger and More Disturbing ..........9/20/12

     Hi there, everyone,

How was your Wednesday? I running a bit behind. Usually I get my entries before the midnight witching hour.  Not so, today.

      Tuesday, I handled the

Morals Are Worth Taking a Stand: Freedom From External Referenting

"An error can never become true however many times you repeat it. The

 truth can never be wrong, even if no one hears it.".... Mahatma Gandhi

     Good evening everyone,

As I quoted recently,

"Communication from the heart is a precious expression of love. Write that letter or make that call today."

It's wonderful coming back and finding

20 Reasons to Be Optimistic 7/9/11

“A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity;
 an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.” 
― Winston Churchill   By the way, isn't this a beautiful photo?.

      I'm really up at it, today!  I've written five letters, taken care of administrative matters related to my work and about to have my Quiet Time.  I'll

Calmness in the Eye of an Emotional Storm: Not Allowing Others to Affect Our Serenity or Self-Image: Dealing with Bullies................ ...................6/19/12

          Good evening everyone,
I wrote what follows this picture a year ago, last March. I'm bumping it up, in case you missed it. It's so easy surrendering our boundaries, becoming intimidated, finding ourselves like deer frozen in the headlights when relating with an angry, intimidating or manipulative individual.
        Below is my response to such an occasion.  I'm thankful that I no longer accept unacceptable behavior, nor please unpleasant people, nor bear the burden of another's

Second Day Lasagna (Also, Not Allowing Others to Define Us, Holding On To Our Autonomy) ........6/15/12

      Please help yourself to a portion of second-day lasagna.

      I wrote the following in my previous post. I've added to it and want to share it with you. You might have missed it. I often liken blogging to second-day

Expressing Our Voice, Part IV (Not Going Along WIth the Crowd) ..................6/3/12

Cowardice asks the question - is it safe?
Expediency asks the question - is it politic?
Vanity asks the question - is it popular?
But conscience asks the question - is it right?
And there comes a time when one must
take a position that is neither safe, nor
politic, nor popular; but one must take it
 BECAUSE it is right.
Image: "Countryside: Willow Sunset" by Tim Blessed. 
All rights reserved. used by permission

         Good evening,

How was your weekend?  I wrote someone else recently about the following episode. I decide to share my experience with you, too.

         I'm enjoying life.  Sometimes, I surprise people. Saturday morning was a recent occasion.  I met with a bunch of friends. All of us are involved with the same non-profit organization.
Being Externally Referented
         It's easy, going along with the crowd. I don't, if I disagree, regardless of

Guarding Our Emotional Sobriety, Revisited 5/30/12

         How was your day?  I was tired. Then again, I didn't get to bed until 5:00 this morning.  I'm leaving you with something I wrote almost a year ago, June 4th, last year.

Images: "Swiss Mountain Farm" by Tim Blessed, all rights reserved, used by permission.

Guarding Our Emotional Sobriety
      Recently, someone tried engaging me in an argument. I stopped it, cold. I don't care for

Extricating Ourselves from Enmeshing Legacies and Difficult Circumstances 4/7/12

He's in a bog. Care needed when enmeshed
in a bog of circumstances that don't serve us.
This fellow is a codependent. That's why he's
happy. He's accustomed to being stuck in a
mess.  Life offers more: peace of mind. 

      Below, is a letter written to someone enmeshed in an destructive, emotionally abusive, addictive relationship.  I'm sharing it with guests to this inn.

       It deals with externally referenting  (another view of codependency), low self-esteem, the need for character discernment and defensive hope.

     Dear _________,

A big part of our disease is that, without working on healthy alternatives in the areas where we are vulnerable, using the resources of a mentor, or connecting with emotionally mature others, we allow those who disturb us to own big chunks of our mind and heart. We give away our serenity.

      We are easily externally referented. [Yes, that's a word. For more about this concept, please read here.] When in the grips of this malady, our conversation and thoughts are consumed, dwelling on the person we want to please, usually due to us not having intrinsic sense of worth. 

       Often these individuals are emotional bullies.  Upon meeting us, they can smell our codependent qualities----through lead.  They abuse us because of our deep-seated need for their approval. And low self-esteem.

       Externally referented, we focus on the needs of others.  We wonder why we suffer from depression, self-loathing and anxiety when the answer is we are neglecting our needs, behavior, thoughts. Our options are overlooked. (Courage to Change, p 359)  We assume the victim role.  That's what I notice about those who relate with narcissists and emotional bullies. 

"Acting like a victim is a choice, not a destiny." 

          Hope For Today, p. 189.  

      When we view ourselves as victims, we don't see our contributions to the troubled relationship.

Looking back, I can accept that plenty of unacceptable behavior was directed at me, but I was the one who sat and took it and often came back for more. I was a willing participant in a dance that required two partners. I felt like a victim, but in many ways I was a volunteer.

Today, as a result of my [growth] I know that I am not helpless.  I have choices. When I get that old feeling that tells me I am a victim, I can regard it as a red flag, a warning that I may be participating (with my thoughts or my actions) in something that is not in my best interest. I can resist the temptation to blame others and look to my own involvement instead.  That’s where I can make changes.                         Courage to Change, p. 361

      We deserve better than tolerating abuse.  Allowing it speaks volumes about our low self-esteem.

      Often we don't see reality. We live in a fantasy. Defensive Hope.  [For guests to the inn, more about this subject can be found here. You'll be glad you did.] Insanity is not doing the same thing, again and again, seeking a different result. 

      No, it isn't, despite what many in recovery say.

      Such behavior is a symptom of insanity.  What causes us to do so is the insanity: we don't want to face reality. We'd rather believe fiction, a fantasy about the relationship, how the relationship will be if we only try harder, give more and please these unpleasant people who are emotional vampires. 

      This is is the tell-tale, screaming indicator that we in the grips of the disease of external referenting.  We don't get better by isolating----healing ourselves by our efforts alone.  Characterological growth requires a different consciousness than the one that created the problem---our own thinking and feelings---our distorted values. [To read more about this, click here. ]  

       Seeing things through the prism of damaged self-esteem, due to growing up in an unhealthy home---perhaps one harmed by alcoholism, verbal and/or physical, emotional abuse---is a chancy proposition.  Often the ideals learned there, aren't. Other conditions that make a troubled home include perfectionism, raging, mental illness or emotionally unavailable parents.  

       This is where Al-Anon Family Groups extremely helpful.  However, this organization is not for those who need it: it's for those who want it.  I know it has a great source of help for me.  The best I've ever found. [Please see note at the end of this post.]

      I'd encourage you to return to meetings. Of course, that's your choice.  For me, I'd rather stay in the solution and learn alternatives rather than emotionally staying in the funk of depression and battered self-esteem.

"A situation in which the lives and sanity of an entire family are at stake is not so easily solved, but the super optimist resolutely clings to the illusion that Al-Anon Family Groups can fix everything. It "fixes" nothing. That is up to us. Not in the once-a-week meeting alone, but with plenty of in-between reading, constant recall of the principles, and constant use. Al-Anon does have the formula, but it is we who must use it."  One Day at A Time, p. 351.

       Legacies created by generational abuse and neglect will not be overcome by only investing one hour a week in overcoming these areas. (One Day, same page.)  No, transformation requires hard work, learning better principles and getting help from supportive others.  Growth and recovery does not happen without effort.

       I believe happiness and a better future is worth the struggle. Don't you?

Related Post: 

Life Is Not A Correspondence Program

Innkeeper's Note: Al-Anon Family Groups is not Alcoholics Anonymous. It is a separate, entity for those who relate or have lived with an Alcoholic. Even if you didn't, you qualify if you live with or grew up in a home marked by emotional drama, perfectionism, controlling or emotionally unavailable parents.

Being an Adult---Saying No Gently, Without Fear, Getting Out of the Fog............................................. 10/26/11

“God gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today. Have you
 used one to say “thank you?”  William Arthur Ward Please
do so today by posting a gratitude. It will do you good. 

      I love seeing peo-ple grow in aware-ness. Today, I spoke with several consid-ering their options.  They no longer auto-matically accommo-date the needs of others when others make demands.

       Part of being an adult happens when we disa-gree, agreeably.  Expressing our opinion, voicing what we want, creates a great antidote to depression or resentment. If we fear dif-fering with others, we will find ourselves in a one-down relationship. 

       It's frustrating and dis-empowering to yield our values to others.  Often we don't want to create a stink or we fear harming the connec-tion. If someone doesn't respect our values, what type of relationship do we have?

       Yielding to others, in order to please, has an unpleasant impact upon our emotions (we become angry or depressed),  our mental state (we can fall into self-loathing or nega-tivity), and our physical well-being.(think of getting hives, high blood pressure or strokes).

       All such negative conse-quences result from not exercising boundaries.  We do not know how to say our "no" as gently as our yes.  It helps remembering that "no" forms a complete sentence. We have a right to refuse without explanation.

     If someone displays anger because we say no, they reveal much.  They want us to make decisions based upon their reaction, not our principles.  By giving in, we place their personality above our values.  Our emotional health develops when we place principles first.

      Their angry response violates a basic right of ours as adults, the right to make choices.  There's a word when someone uses anger, blame, shame, fear, or guilt to motivate us: manipulation.  It's emo-tional coercion, a form of violence.  

       Giving in to a bully reveals emotional slavery. 

 "Guilty or reluctant compli-          ance is never operating                from love; it is slavery."  

                Changes That Heal, p. 126. 

     When we yield to the coercion of others, we ransom our freedom.  We are surrendering our integrity.  We are not being true to our values.  

     We believe to keep the relationship we have to give in.  Is that in our best interests?  You know the answer. 

     The angry person wants control over our lives and what we choose.  Not a good deal.  When this happens, we should be energized regarding our stance and opposition. 

   

      Their behavior informs us, at least at that moment, he or she is neither considering our opinion nor feel-ings.  We must insist on having reciprocity, bal-ance, and fairness in all our relationships. 

      This is where we need to get out of the FOG, fear, obliga-tion, or guilt.  When we live in the fog we are not operating from love or independence.  Yielding against our wishes only alienates the relationship, creating frustration and resentment within us. 

      For meaningful relationships, we speak our truth calmly, without fear.  When we do, we will have better connections with others.  Because we are letting them bond with whom we really are. 

My Gratitudes

1.  I met with friends this evening. Wariness happens after going through an emotional hurricane Monday.  I saw someone at tonight's event, resolving an issue. I enjoy reducing clutter in the attic of my mind.

2.  I got reimbursed for expenses for com-munity service I do. I appreciate working with others who have integrity and follow through with their responsibilities---in this case taking care of money owed.
3. My two younger sons are joining me Friday for two seminars I'll attend that day. They are serious about wanting to grow in their effectiveness professionally, financially, and in their interactions with others.

     I'm proud to have sons who want to take a serious look at areas where they can grow. I appreciate seeing them continually mature, characterologically, before my eyes. I'm happy we'll be able to share the day together. What a treat. Really.  

     Okay, you know the routine. I ask visitors to please sign the registry by sharing three gratitudes.  Today, if that is daunting, I'll go easy: I'll ask for one. I appreciate the fellowship and community we share when you do comment here. Thanks!

Related Post:

Being Gentle When Expressing Our View

Not Being Triggered by Others---Holding True to Our Values

Fenton's has been around since 1894. This photo is an
 anomaly. Typically, there is a long line to get in, even at midnight.

      Hi there,
Today's topic follows my grati-tudes.  I had a humdinger of a day, but good.  I just got in. Before posting, I ate cinnamon peach ice cream I got at Fenton's. Yum!!  If you ever saw the animated movie "Up" this ice cream parlor was featured in it.

Gratitudes for Monday: 

1.  The weather was fabulous. The bay area weather can't be beat. No humidity, weather in the 70's.
2.  I met with a several and led a group session. The results were fantastic. I love it when intimacy, authenticity, openness, safety, trust and compassion are expressed in a safe venue.
3. The fruit of the meeting was heartening. We were able to discuss our powerlessness over different issues in our lives.
4. I got acquainted with terrific people.  My time with them was deeply satisfying. It met my need for connection, celebration of life and ease.

Not Being Swayed by Intimidators & Those Who Blame

    This evening, I had fun. Someone tried confronting me and a few others. I used verbal Aikido (for more about that, please click here). It helps remembering to be responsive to, but not responsible for the feelings of others.

      We can't make anyone happy, sad, angry or any other feeling without them giving us permission to do so.  A person wanted to blame me and another for her feelings.  Sorry, that's crossing of boundaries. We are responsible for our own feelings. If I bought into her reasoning, I would have agreed to being a codependent.

     There was a third person involved in this "dynamic" conversation. After this evening's drama, she told me she appreciated how the situation was handled. Years of experience and personal growth made it possible. Meditation, study and prayer helps me to respond and not react. It's easy to be externally referented---- allowing others to trigger our reactions, if we're not careful, don't stay in the moment and are not centered.

     Most of us are trained as kids, by our society, to react to the feelings of others. We accommodate the dramatic person's needs, with little thought to our own  feelings, needs and behavior.
     If we yield to their angry or imperious demands, we are taking the first steps towards developing an unhealthy relationship, usually with a narcissistic person. We want to be careful to not  lose our life of centeredness.

     This happens when we allow another person's feelings to determine our own. It also occurs when we yield our values and follow that of others, for the sake of maintaining that relationship.

     I appreciate friends who love me unconditionally. I don't surrender my values to have them. The ones who aren't this way, I bless and send on their way.  I realize they aren't God's gift for me. Releasing those who love me conditionally provides me with greater serenity and reduces the insanity in my life.

How About You?

1. What do you do, when feel responsible for the feelings of others?
2. What are important boundaries for you?
3. How do you handle emotional bullies?
I'd love hearing your answers.

Maintaining Our Values In Spite of Pressures from Others 6/28/11

     How are you?

I'll talk about the topic of forgiveness at the end of this post.  Thanks for dropping by. Be sure to have a cup of coffee and sit down, before reading this post; it's a bit longer than most.  Please take what you like and leave the rest.
Having Our Voice, Exercising Boundaries

Disagreeing with Others is Part of Being an Adult

         One of my favorite quotes is on the right.  What's appealing about that quote?  Freedom. It's important maintaining integrity with our values, even if it upsets others.

Suffering Loss, Detaching With Love, Winning the Grand Prix of Life ............6/9/11 Alexander Part IV

    Hello everyone,

I'll talk about winning the Grand Prix in just a minute, after these comments and my gratitudes.  First, I want to process my feelings.

     This was not a good night.

Expressing Feelings of Loss

A Rare Occurrence for the Innkeeper

       Regarding words, a stickler I can be. I did not greet you with a "good evening" tonight, my usual intro. It's not; Alexander the Grey(t) died tonight.

       For those who don't know, he was a cat I dearly loved.  I have been tending to this Russian Blue with hospice care for six months. For more info, please read this post, this here, or click the blue link in the previous paragraph.

       A pall envelopes me as I write.  I'm at his house.  In the living room, he lies lifeless. I already miss him.
       I loved his quietly persistent and curmudgeon personality.  The latter was a facade.  Despite his serious-looking mug, he was a junkie for

Gratitude: A Matter of Perspective...... 5/15/11

           Life is good. I've discovered over the years that joy has NOTHING to do with external details. I can have it regardless what job I have, car I drive, the size of my home or how much I have in the bank, who loves me or who doesn't. .  In spite of difficult circumstances, I can still bump into joy, along with serenity and tranquility. What liberty, tranquility and joy I experience when I'm freed from external referenting.  Yes, that's a word. I admit, a big portion of my happiness is due to my relationship with God, more about that, in a minute. 

         But, partaking in an Attitude of Gratitude involves perspective, too.  I partake of it when I  choose to stay in the present, versus dwelling upon the darker moment of my past or fearing----being anxious----about possible future difficulties.  The present is where we are---always!!


        I'm thankful for knowing God’s forgiveness, and grace.  I delight in knowing that I'm in a loved position with God. This close, loving relationship does NOT change----even when my thoughts or behavior is less than the standards God has set for me. Now, that is a mind-blowing concept. 

       One of my favorite posters says, 'Life is a test. It

       is only a test.Had this been a real life you would

       have been instructed where to go and what to do;
       Whenever I think of this humorous bit of  wisdom,
       it reminds me to not take my life so seriously.

      Richard Carlson, Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff, p85.

***********************************************************************************

My gratitudes for today:

1.  I had a run in today with someone who struggles with rage and raged upon me. I have compassion for this person. I'm also thankful that I didn't cause his rage. He had it way before I ever met him.  I'm glad that I've learned that I am to be responsive to, but not responsible for, the emotions of others.  I can't tell you how liberating it is to not be manipulated by the emotions of others.(For more about dealing with an emotional bully, click here. )

    Other people's emotions are their property and my emotions are mine. To feel responsible for another person's emotions is a serious crossing of boundaries, ours and theirs.(For more about this, please click here.)

2. I'm glad that I don't get as triggered by the negative emotions of others. I was able to take care of myself. A serene day was had.  Really. There's a proverb that says to stay away from an angry person or you'll learn his ways. That's what I did this morning. 

    I actually said to this agitated person, "I never gave you permission to condemn me and I'm asking you to stop judging me." I said this calmly, Next, I extricated myself from this person.

3. It's wonderful knowing I'm powerless over the history that other people bring with them, including the pain that is involved with it. I also know that I will not allow myself to be anyone's emotional punching bag. There's a saying I've shared elsewhere:

"If you feel like  doormat, you need to get up off the floor." 

        For me, that statement brings a smile and a chuckle, but it's still true. I love the fact, that a I learn to stand  by my personal principles, stand in my power and live by my integrity, I enjoy a freedom and joy that I never experienced as a young man. My friendships are richer and more harmonious because, we get what we tolerate and we train people how to treat us.

          Let me know what you think. Look at the following link if you want to know if you're dealing with an emotional bully. Click here. Although this link refers to a woman as the bully, the same holds true if it's a guy. 

                       The guy from the Left Coast,

Expressing Our Voice: A Great Antidote for Depression or Frustration 4/18/11

My Gratitudes for Today:

1.  I wrote a letter to a friend I've known since I was twelve.  A disappointment needed processing. Expressing concerns in a caring manner is