Please help yourself to a portion of second-day lasagna.
I wrote the following in my previous post. I've added to it and want to share it with you. You might have missed it. I often liken blogging to second-day
lasagna. It usually tastes better the second day, after it's been re-cooked; the same is true with home-cooked soup and any other post, including this one, after working on it again.
At the end of this excerpt I have some additional thoughts.
Someone Attempted Intimidation:
It Didn't Work With This Innkeeper
Someone tried telling me what I knew. "You know the answer!!" the other person replied, when I asked a question. It was a subject of which he is very familiar and, I am not.
"No, I don't," I replied. I have no problem admitting ignorance. There are lots of things I don't know. I calmly asked him not to tell me what I comprehend. Others do not define who I am, my capabilities or lack of them. No one know what whirls within my mind. With a soft voice and courtesy, I informed him.
He growled, "I don't want to argue with you."
"You are the one arguing with me," I replied. "I simply asked a question."
He got up and stormed away. (No, he wasn't a son of mine, thankfully.) I'm grateful I don't react when others try triggering a response. I value my autonomy, I don't allow others to tell me what I think or know. Do you know what we call it, when we allow others to define us or determine our moods?
Codependency.
For more on this subject, please click here. It probably frustrated him, that I'm not a codependent. I don't yield to the blustering of others.
As I become more comfortable with my likes, needs, wants, dreams and desires, I more willingly face the disapproval of others...........
"I am increasingly able to honor others when they choose to be themselves, whether or not I like what I see. [Because the world does not determine its values by ours---it's a bit bigger than us.] ......
"I am learning to find my place in this world---a place where I can live with dignity and respect."
'I exist as I am, that is enough. If no other in theCourage to Change, p.217
world be aware, I sit content. And if each and all
be aware, I sit content.' Walt Whitman
I'm grateful for confidence that allows me to stand up to emotional bullies.
"There is a price that is too great to pay for peace.... One cannot pay the price of self-respect." Woodrow Wilson*****************
I wrote this today, Friday:
Being Externally Referented
I recently heard someone tell the story of a time when she rode in a car with a friend. "Barbara" was sitting in the front passenger seat when she saw a car rapidly approaching from a side street. It was going to smash on her side. As it hurtled its way in her direction, Barb thought, "oh, the driver must see this coming." She didn't say anything. A tragic mistake.
The other vehicle t-boned the car, slamming right into her. She was severely hospitalized.
Listening to the story, my response was, "My, goodness, what an extreme example of externally referenting." She relied upon the judgment of others---the driver---even though it was her life that was mostly in peril. The driver wasn't paying attention, and she knew that! Barbara suffered----she was hospitalized for several weeks, her legs badly damaged.
I don't allow others to do my thinking or determine my values. Part of being an adult is moving from a one-down position to that of an equal. We have been an equal with every other person on earth, since we were sixteen.
Yes, sixteen. What we think is as valuable as what anyone else thinks or feels. And, there are times when we need to voice our concerns, especially when we find ourselves in physical or emotional danger. We are free to be ourselves as long as we don't cause moral or physical harm towards others.
When I attend a concert and I don't think the performer played well, I trust my perceptions. I don't rely on the comments of those with me to validate my perceptions. I trust what I see, hear or feel. I have my view and it is enough.
How About You?
1. Do you allow others to determine who you are or whether your values are accurate?
2. How do you respond to someone who's intimidating you?
3. What allows you to be comfortable with yourself, or is that a problem for you?
Posts
2 comments:
Hello Pablo, Your "Lasagna" is getting tastier!
1. I used to let others...but now I'm learning to find my own voice; to be me and confident in my own values.
2. I used to react to intimidation, but now I step back,don't react, breathe and seek some space for perspective. I find processing such encounters through writing or journaling is a good way to give myself time to figure out the best response.
3. I'm learning to be more comfortable with self as I Let Go, Detach,Forgive,Stop and think, and learn to say No.
My Gratitude's for today are;
1. Grateful I could meet with friends tonight to hear their stories; experience, strength and hope in recovery, and share a bit of mine.
2. Grateful to become a more decisive and proactive husband. Reserved a romantic weekend getaway overlooking the Pacific Ocean, for overdue marital renewal.
3. Grateful I now have the tools to own/accept and digest my bosses scolding today, and wish to make amends.
4. Also grateful I could process the well intended, but mindless dumping of firewood in the wrong spot, and begin to move and stack it with gratitude for the exercise and future winter warmth.
Carl,
I'm glad you're finding nourishment here. How does it feel, expressing your own voice?
Hearing your progress, in your relationships with others, is encouraging. You probably are happy that you're communicating your truth, yet doing so, sensitively. Kudos to you!
It was a revelation for me when I learned that "no" is a complete sentence.
You lucky guy. I hope you have a terrific romantic getaway.
One thing that increased my level of happiness is my attitude. Sometimes I can't change my circumstances, but I CAN change how I respond to them. I see you are learning the same thing.
How does it feel, finding so much growth in your life??
A curious innkeeper
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