Character Discernment, Spiritual Weightlifting Part IV: Principles That Help Us With Any Relationship ...................6/25/11

Ladies, calm down. No, 
this isn't a picture of me.

     In a recent post (See here.) I wrote:

"As we grow in our relational skills, we see difficulties as opportun-ities. They allow us to do spiritual weight lifting.  We exercise the inner strength gotten by applying healthy principles when relating with others.

     We can do this even with those who are dangerous and hurtful. What a deal!"

         Just a second, before going further.   

         This week I disagreed in a blog.   The individual took it personally.   Untasteful descriptions of my character were tossed at me.   This person's friends chimed in, adding more invectives.  
         
          My, my.   I don't take anything personally.  I experienced cyber bullying.  The response was seen for what it was.   A lack of  maturity. 

        Progress doesn't occur when attacks are used.  This illus-trated an ad homi-nem argument.  Like what you see to your left. 

       Most people, when confronted aggressively, back-pedal. They are off guard.  It's, prefer-red--more effective--staying present---on topic.  

      A person is abusive towards us.   That's not the time to reason things out.  Waiting for when they are not emotionally intoxicated makes more sense. 

      Life happens.

      In light of the principles listed below, we can keep perspective, when attacked.   We do not drink the venom offered.  
   

    It's hard for an angry per-son to engage us in an emo-tional tug-of-war, if we let go of the rope.  I did that.  The angry response of others lets me understand their values and worldview.  

       We do not have to agree. 

       Sure, it is disappointing, being judged, misunderstood.  This happens in a conflict.  It is tempting to label the other person wrong.  Frequently this is their default mode towards us.

       Or one party is seen as stupid, an idiot, a twit.  That happened this week, to you know who.  But we don't allow others to define who we am or determine our moods,  

       We want to stand in our power, maintaining integrity with our values.  It's sad when people see different viewpoints as rubbish, tossing in profanities in the mix.  

       Unfortunately, this reaction  can surface when differences arise.  Critical responses needn't be our go-to response.  It is helpful remem-bering we can say our "no" as gently as our yes.

         It is  sad, tragic, when personal attacks are used to win arguments instead of discussing the issues.

"When we realize that we can  have differing viewpoints without either of us being wrong, we can all fit in together. just as we are."  Courage to Change, p. 140

      Unfortunately, this perspective is not common.  It requires hard work.  It happens when we place healthy principles above  negative default modes created when we were children. 

       We can be grateful for healthy principles. They allow discernment of who is safe and isn't.  The following comes from Safe People by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, of the Boundaries series book fame.  

        It's subtitle is: How to Have Healthy Relationships and Avoid Those That Aren't.  Their book, Boundaries, written in 1995 has sold over 5 million copies.   They've written numerous fine books.

      To see practical, brief, clinical video presentations on the subjects of Relationships, Goals and Success, Emotional Struggles, Leadership, Dating, Spiritual Life, Parenting and Marriage, by these psychologists, click here.   You'll be glad you did. 

       In the authors' words,

"Unsafe people have personal traits that make them extreme-ly dangerous to other people."  

Below, these authors go into detail.  

 Helpful Principles to Keep in Mind 

1. Unsafe people are defensive instead of open to feedback.
2. Unsafe people think they "have it all together " instead of admit-ting weakness. 
3. Unsafe people are religious instead of spiritual.
4. Unsafe people apologize instead of changing their be-havior.

      For each of the points stated above, the authors go into detail, in their book.  I'm skimming the general principles.  The authors discuss many other points as well, in depth.  

The following points are from page 34 in Safe People:
5. Unsafe people avoid working on their problems instead of dealing with                them.

    Unsafe people in this regard:

   a. Do not admit that they have problems, or they think they can solve the               problems, by themselves.
   b. Do not submit their life and will to God. In fact, call others "holier than                thou," when others suggest including their Higher Power, when dealing              with challenges.
   c. Do not confess when they've wronged someone.
   d. Do not forgive people who've hurt them.  They care more about the issue than they do about the relationship. (Safe People care more about the rela-tionship than they do about the issue.)

e.  Avoid facing relationship problems directly.  (I've ended relationships because of this factor---if a person I'm relating with is unwilling to discuss the issue, there's little hope for the friendship.)
   f. Do not hunger and thirst for righteousness.  In fact, they often mock those who do, minimizing the need for doing so.
   g. Treat others with a lack of empathy.
   h. Are not open to confrontation from others.
   i.  Are not in the process of learning and growing.
   j.  Blame other people for their problems, not seeing their part. [I often,                  when dealing with an issue between myself and another ask:  "Can you               tell me your contribution, so that I won't feel like I'm the only person to             blame?]
   k.  Do not want to share their problems with others, that they may grow.

       After  going into detail about this list, the psychologists Cloud and Townsend state: 

"People who are uninvolved in character growth can be unsafe, because they are shut off from awareness of their own problems and God's resources to transform those problems. Instead, they act out of their unconscious hurts, [our default modes] and hurting others."

      Having our perspective informed by these principles allows us to be grateful.  They provide greater clarity, mindfulness with relating.  These principles are a guide that lets us know who we want to connect with.  

       We are also aware of those we want to avoid.

       Instead of reacting, it is best responding.  When we do, its a good idea remain courteous towards those with whom we differ.  "The greatest form of wisdom is kindness." 

       We can say our no as gently as our yes.  This is detaching with kindness.  We can value those with whom we disagree.  detaching with love, not amputation.   

        Using assertive honesty strengthens relationships.  It is being honest while showing respect at the same time.  It is not using the hatchet of cruel words, judgments, criticism, assumptions or jumping to conclusions. 

        Detaching prevents us from responding emotionally.  Reacting is giving in to our default modes, if we aren't careful.  

        Relating healthily, when in a conflict can happen.  It occurs when we apply healthy principles above the negative default modes of our personality.  We replace being passive, timid, aggressive, abusive or being frozen in the headlights---- with feeling what we feel and want, then saying what we feel and want to those who trouble us. 

       This is being present and authentic.  It allows for bonding and genuine intimacy.  We are true to our boundaries. 
      

      Our standards define us.  They let others know what we accept and what we won't.   They let those we relate with know who we are---the package they get when relating with us. 

      With assertive, affirming honesty everyone is honored.  We are true to ourselves while respecting differences we have with others.  Our relationships will grow with a depth and kindness like we never dreamed possible. 

       Wishing you a great and grateful day,
                     The Innkeeper
       
How About You? 
1. What have you found helpful, when dealing with conflict?  
2. How do you respond towards others who are being unkind? 
3. What are signs that let you know that a person is not safe to relate with?  
      I look forward to your comments. Here's to growing communication within this inn of hope, encouragement and recovery,

 Other Related Posts: 

1. "Calmness in the Eye of an Emotional Storm."   To read that entry, please click here. 
2. "Dealing with Emotionally Charged Conversations"   You can read that here.

Responding, Not Reacting, Part I, Calmness in the Eye of an Emotional Storm ...................3/16/11

    The picture to the right  reminds us of the value of sheltering when facing life's storms.

    Recovery allows us do that when relating with angry, abusive people or any negative behavior.  This hap-pened yesterday to me.

       A critical part of personal growth can be participating with  Al-Anon Family Groups.  This resource provides emo-tional and mental support.  For more information, see the footnotes. 

       Surrendering boundaries hap-pens if  not care-ful. 

       To be intimi-dated, a natural reaction when rela-ting to an angry or manipulative indi-vidual.  Below re-veals my response when facing an agi-tated person yesterday.  

       I no longer please unpleasant people. 

       I don't bear the burden of another's misbehavior.  Nor do I submit to overbearing conditions.  For more about tak-ing care of ourselves, read this. 

       Yesterday, a humdinger of a day.  Lots of opportun-ities to become alarmed.  Relating with a volatile person does that. 

      With recovery, we notice our needs when relating with others.  For most of us, we did not respond this way as a kid.  Recovery helps us thrive and be emotionally strong during difficult cir-cumstances.

      Instead, we were taught the needs of others were more important than ours.  Not true.  As adults, we re-cognize this is a false belief.  

     Aware of the importance of noticing our behav-ior, thoughts, and feelings improves the quality of our lives.  When aware of our needs we can nurture them.  Having a healthy condition of our spirit and soul requires concentrated attention, being present.

"When we are aware of what is hap-    pening in the moment, we are no          longer lost in it."      Tarah Brach

      Our inner self lets us know if we neglect our needs.

      Happiness emerges when in touch with our emotions and wants and we require reciprocity, fairness, and balance when relating.  Considering the needs of others is essential for harmony. But we also take care of our needs, too.

        

                  Depression is our neglected psyche issuing a silent scream.  This negative, draining emotion informs us that we are not taking care of ourselves.  We are being a bad kitty.  Emotionally, our needs are not being met.

  

    While not depressed yes-terday, I yearned for tranquility. I lacked it.   I related with an out-of-control person.  

    Applying heal-thy principles permitted me to know emotional safety and calmness, even during the intense drama.  I'm listing them in today's gratitudes. 

 1.  I'm thankful it's best staying present when in a crisis.  It's better to respond.  This is way better than reacting. 

      When I react during an emotional storm, it's my loss.  I end up giving away big chunks of my values.  Trying to soothe the situation by giving in, is a bust.  Manipulators, angry or abusive others taste our vulnerability when we do this.  Bad idea.   

          This 's not my response now.  For more about dealing with Emotional Bullies, you might want to read this.  This link provides an excellent article: Words Do Hurt--Stop Bullying From Affecting Your Health. 
       

           Bullies are more than thugs who harass kids on school playgrounds.  They are not just those who oc-cupy the seamier parts of town.  They can be our adult siblings, spouse, boss, among others.  Yikes!

2.  As I get stronger, I am not rattled when "bad" things happen.  I don't let others determine my moods. 

3.  I'm grateful that---with practice---while enduring an-other person's emotional maelstrom, I can emotionally step aside, using emotional aikido. 

     I can pause, deciding my response.  This is what police, firefighters do.  Also true for those who work in psychiatric hospitals.  
     This is the best approach when facing a crisis.  Considering our options, asking, "What can I do to take care of the situation?"

4.  I'm thrilled that moments that years ago would have dis-turbed me can now be seen with humor.  I'm thankful for a viewpoint that sees through the prism of healthy principles.  This lens allows my joy to remain, even while enduring significant pressures. 

5.  I'm thankful for skills that allow me to thrive during moments that at one time overwhelmed me. 

     Yesterday, I detached, while remaining courteous, yet firm, towards a person who yelled at three different people, including the mailman (poor guy).  She had just smashed a flower pot, dirt, flowers and all, on the floor, smashing it to pieces, in her living room.

      If only she could have been a little more emotional. (I'm kidding.)

6.  I'm happy that, when witnessing this emotional melt-down, I was calm. 
     The muscles in my face were relaxed.  I spoke in a measured manner.  My heart rate, wasn't too elevated.  
      Of course adrenaline kicked in----I'm human.  During the drama, my options, I considered.  One of them was getting out of there, away from that person.

     It is good knowing I am not a helpless victim.  I have choices.  Doing what provided serenity, during an intense, un-pleasant mo-ment, was my priority.  

     After the episode settled down, I left.  Time elsewhere, enjoying hours free from emotional drama, doing something that nurtured me, was the tonic chosen.

Freedom
Not Letting Others Affect My Serenity or Joy 

         I'm fortunate that I don't allow others to determine my moods or define who I am.  That's being codependent.  For more about that, you might want to look at this. 

         When I need the applause of others to feel good about myself, I give them power over me. Not a good idea. (Cour-age to Change, Virginia Beach,  Al-Anon Family Groups, Inc., 1992, 9, Print) 

      I'm thankful that yesterday, when I had an opportunity to do spiritual weight lifting, I did.  For several reps, I calmly lifted the weight of a dramatic situation.  To-wards the emotionally intoxicated person, I was compassionate, yet detached.

        I've learned that pigeons do what pigeons do.  I've learned not to sit under a tree that has pigeons roosting in it.  I don't take a pigeon's behavior personally.  

       Angry people are caught up in their misery.  Many do not know how to express their needs.  Anger is a tragic expression of needs.  

       It either alienates, infuriates, or freezes those encoun-tering it.

     I'm glad every time I respond to abuse or drama, using healthy, compassionate, assertive princi-ples, I get strong-er.  It also gets easier, respond-ing from strength----not fear.  Also, acting this way in the future becomes more likely.

       It feels good, not being manipulated by anger---not caving into guilt, shame, blame, or fear.  When relating with others in a non-violent way, I'm placing principles above my personality.  Please see footnote 1. 
     

    My response yesterday, while in a maelstrom of someone else's emotional re-lapse is a huge change.  Abuse I endured as a child. Please see footnote 2.  My nature, before----and now, if I don't exercise the presence of mind which recovery from codependency offers----was passivity.  I'd either become frozen with fear or withdraw and isolate. Those were two ways of protecting myself. 

The fellow writhing in pain is suffering from
road rash: bits of stone are embedded in the
 flesh of his knee after falling off his bike.

       I once per-mitted abuse to shower upon me.  I felt I deserved it.  Now, I know that thought is an outright lie.  Once, I was a doormat.  Now, and yesterday, I got up off the floor. (Courage to Change, p. 361)

     Seeing myself emotionally maturing is gladdening.  Moving from being emotionally seven-years-old to that of a mature man is heartening.  That's "Progress, not perfec-tion."  And for that, I have an Attitude of Gratitude. 

How About You? 

What helps you to stay "centered" when you are pushed by the emotional storms of others? 

Footnote

1. Al-Anon Family Groups is an international organ-ization for friends and relatives of alcoholics, whether this person is actively drinking or  not. Click here to find a meeting near you. 

     It is in no way related to Alcoholics Anonymous.  This is an entirely separate organization, helping those who have been affected by the effects of alcohol in another. 

    Members learn how to deal with emotional abusers, less than pleasant bosses, intimidators, issues of control, per-fectionism, and other problem behavior characteristics often found where others are chemically dependent or emotionally repressed. Al-Anon Family Group (AFG) mem-bers learn to clean their side of the street, how to take care of themselves. 

    Even if a per-son doesn't relate with an alcoholic, attending may help that person recover from passivity, fear, self-loathing. Members learn healthy bound-aries are key for emotional health.  There are open meetings for those who want to learn more about this organization. 

2. "Looking within is essen-tial. We see the effects of another's drinking or abuse. For although we may have experienced difficulties and trauma in our formative years, it is actually the contin-uing reaction to these things that troubles our lives today. 

      We may have left the alcoholic [or abuser]. Be we may not have escaped the turmoil, guilt,  insecurity, rage, and fear we knew in our youth.  In fact, we may be suffocating in unhappy habits (or emotions), never realizing that another way, a spiritual way, could allow us to draw life-giving breaths of hope, friendship, and love. 

    "Awareness does not settle everything, nor does change happen overnight.  Spiritual growth takes  time. Making the "new" [our recovery from less than perfect circum-stances] a familiar and comfortable part of ourselves takes personal commitment and the support of others...to help us on our way."   From Survival to Recovery, p. 268.