Responding, Not Reacting, Part I, Calmness in the Eye of an Emotional Storm ...................3/16/11

    The picture to the right  reminds us of the value of sheltering when facing life's storms.

    Recovery allows us do that when relating with angry, abusive people or any negative behavior.  This hap-pened yesterday to me.

       A critical part of personal growth can be participating with  Al-Anon Family Groups.  This resource provides emo-tional and mental support.  For more information, see the footnotes. 

       Surrendering boundaries hap-pens if  not care-ful. 

       To be intimi-dated, a natural reaction when rela-ting to an angry or manipulative indi-vidual.  Below re-veals my response when facing an agi-tated person yesterday.  

       I no longer please unpleasant people. 

       I don't bear the burden of another's misbehavior.  Nor do I submit to overbearing conditions.  For more about tak-ing care of ourselves, read this. 

       Yesterday, a humdinger of a day.  Lots of opportun-ities to become alarmed.  Relating with a volatile person does that. 

      With recovery, we notice our needs when relating with others.  For most of us, we did not respond this way as a kid.  Recovery helps us thrive and be emotionally strong during difficult cir-cumstances.

      Instead, we were taught the needs of others were more important than ours.  Not true.  As adults, we re-cognize this is a false belief.  

     Aware of the importance of noticing our behav-ior, thoughts, and feelings improves the quality of our lives.  When aware of our needs we can nurture them.  Having a healthy condition of our spirit and soul requires concentrated attention, being present.

"When we are aware of what is hap-    pening in the moment, we are no          longer lost in it."      Tarah Brach

      Our inner self lets us know if we neglect our needs.

      Happiness emerges when in touch with our emotions and wants and we require reciprocity, fairness, and balance when relating.  Considering the needs of others is essential for harmony. But we also take care of our needs, too.

        

                  Depression is our neglected psyche issuing a silent scream.  This negative, draining emotion informs us that we are not taking care of ourselves.  We are being a bad kitty.  Emotionally, our needs are not being met.

  

    While not depressed yes-terday, I yearned for tranquility. I lacked it.   I related with an out-of-control person.  

    Applying heal-thy principles permitted me to know emotional safety and calmness, even during the intense drama.  I'm listing them in today's gratitudes. 

 1.  I'm thankful it's best staying present when in a crisis.  It's better to respond.  This is way better than reacting. 

      When I react during an emotional storm, it's my loss.  I end up giving away big chunks of my values.  Trying to soothe the situation by giving in, is a bust.  Manipulators, angry or abusive others taste our vulnerability when we do this.  Bad idea.   

          This 's not my response now.  For more about dealing with Emotional Bullies, you might want to read this.  This link provides an excellent article: Words Do Hurt--Stop Bullying From Affecting Your Health. 
       

           Bullies are more than thugs who harass kids on school playgrounds.  They are not just those who oc-cupy the seamier parts of town.  They can be our adult siblings, spouse, boss, among others.  Yikes!

2.  As I get stronger, I am not rattled when "bad" things happen.  I don't let others determine my moods. 

3.  I'm grateful that---with practice---while enduring an-other person's emotional maelstrom, I can emotionally step aside, using emotional aikido. 

     I can pause, deciding my response.  This is what police, firefighters do.  Also true for those who work in psychiatric hospitals.  
     This is the best approach when facing a crisis.  Considering our options, asking, "What can I do to take care of the situation?"

4.  I'm thrilled that moments that years ago would have dis-turbed me can now be seen with humor.  I'm thankful for a viewpoint that sees through the prism of healthy principles.  This lens allows my joy to remain, even while enduring significant pressures. 

5.  I'm thankful for skills that allow me to thrive during moments that at one time overwhelmed me. 

     Yesterday, I detached, while remaining courteous, yet firm, towards a person who yelled at three different people, including the mailman (poor guy).  She had just smashed a flower pot, dirt, flowers and all, on the floor, smashing it to pieces, in her living room.

      If only she could have been a little more emotional. (I'm kidding.)

6.  I'm happy that, when witnessing this emotional melt-down, I was calm. 
     The muscles in my face were relaxed.  I spoke in a measured manner.  My heart rate, wasn't too elevated.  
      Of course adrenaline kicked in----I'm human.  During the drama, my options, I considered.  One of them was getting out of there, away from that person.

     It is good knowing I am not a helpless victim.  I have choices.  Doing what provided serenity, during an intense, un-pleasant mo-ment, was my priority.  

     After the episode settled down, I left.  Time elsewhere, enjoying hours free from emotional drama, doing something that nurtured me, was the tonic chosen.

Freedom
Not Letting Others Affect My Serenity or Joy 

         I'm fortunate that I don't allow others to determine my moods or define who I am.  That's being codependent.  For more about that, you might want to look at this. 

         When I need the applause of others to feel good about myself, I give them power over me. Not a good idea. (Cour-age to Change, Virginia Beach,  Al-Anon Family Groups, Inc., 1992, 9, Print) 

      I'm thankful that yesterday, when I had an opportunity to do spiritual weight lifting, I did.  For several reps, I calmly lifted the weight of a dramatic situation.  To-wards the emotionally intoxicated person, I was compassionate, yet detached.

        I've learned that pigeons do what pigeons do.  I've learned not to sit under a tree that has pigeons roosting in it.  I don't take a pigeon's behavior personally.  

       Angry people are caught up in their misery.  Many do not know how to express their needs.  Anger is a tragic expression of needs.  

       It either alienates, infuriates, or freezes those encoun-tering it.

     I'm glad every time I respond to abuse or drama, using healthy, compassionate, assertive princi-ples, I get strong-er.  It also gets easier, respond-ing from strength----not fear.  Also, acting this way in the future becomes more likely.

       It feels good, not being manipulated by anger---not caving into guilt, shame, blame, or fear.  When relating with others in a non-violent way, I'm placing principles above my personality.  Please see footnote 1. 
     

    My response yesterday, while in a maelstrom of someone else's emotional re-lapse is a huge change.  Abuse I endured as a child. Please see footnote 2.  My nature, before----and now, if I don't exercise the presence of mind which recovery from codependency offers----was passivity.  I'd either become frozen with fear or withdraw and isolate. Those were two ways of protecting myself. 

The fellow writhing in pain is suffering from
road rash: bits of stone are embedded in the
 flesh of his knee after falling off his bike.

       I once per-mitted abuse to shower upon me.  I felt I deserved it.  Now, I know that thought is an outright lie.  Once, I was a doormat.  Now, and yesterday, I got up off the floor. (Courage to Change, p. 361)

     Seeing myself emotionally maturing is gladdening.  Moving from being emotionally seven-years-old to that of a mature man is heartening.  That's "Progress, not perfec-tion."  And for that, I have an Attitude of Gratitude. 

How About You? 

What helps you to stay "centered" when you are pushed by the emotional storms of others? 

Footnote

1. Al-Anon Family Groups is an international organ-ization for friends and relatives of alcoholics, whether this person is actively drinking or  not. Click here to find a meeting near you. 

     It is in no way related to Alcoholics Anonymous.  This is an entirely separate organization, helping those who have been affected by the effects of alcohol in another. 

    Members learn how to deal with emotional abusers, less than pleasant bosses, intimidators, issues of control, per-fectionism, and other problem behavior characteristics often found where others are chemically dependent or emotionally repressed. Al-Anon Family Group (AFG) mem-bers learn to clean their side of the street, how to take care of themselves. 

    Even if a per-son doesn't relate with an alcoholic, attending may help that person recover from passivity, fear, self-loathing. Members learn healthy bound-aries are key for emotional health.  There are open meetings for those who want to learn more about this organization. 

2. "Looking within is essen-tial. We see the effects of another's drinking or abuse. For although we may have experienced difficulties and trauma in our formative years, it is actually the contin-uing reaction to these things that troubles our lives today. 

      We may have left the alcoholic [or abuser]. Be we may not have escaped the turmoil, guilt,  insecurity, rage, and fear we knew in our youth.  In fact, we may be suffocating in unhappy habits (or emotions), never realizing that another way, a spiritual way, could allow us to draw life-giving breaths of hope, friendship, and love. 

    "Awareness does not settle everything, nor does change happen overnight.  Spiritual growth takes  time. Making the "new" [our recovery from less than perfect circum-stances] a familiar and comfortable part of ourselves takes personal commitment and the support of others...to help us on our way."   From Survival to Recovery, p. 268.