Joy splashed against cliffs of anguish. Floating upon the river of elation, mysoulwas later pum-meledbyboulders of remorse for my stupidity and lack of sensitivity. Stunning, gliding mo-ments upon the river of bliss were matched with the free-fall cascade of sorrow this morning. I felt confusion, loss, early this afternoon.
Yet, I prefer this jum-ble of feelings, than living meagerly, as a pauper, because of a life lacking
More to share than the number of nuts in the mouth of a success-ful chipmunk. But these facts will be squirreled away from guests of this inn. Four hands typing simultaneously, for eight+ weeks, could not document all the good happening, the past two months. Details will be spared. The innkeeper writes tonight while wearing his cloak of
Someone wrote a comment here, at the inn, at 8:15 this morning. The secondtimehehas posted in four years. It had no heart. The com-ment was deleted. How easy it is, staying in our head. Warmed over death.
The last two sentences sounds like a a lyric doesn't it? Don't mind me, I've been listening to NeilYoung'smusiclately. And I
Often hard. False beliefs block the way. We think we'll be rejected, the object of scorn, if we ex-press opinions differing from the crowd. It is common to be infected by doubt and the anxi-ety of not fitting in. Our fears often are theoffspringof
We are not honest. We don'tdisagree---outward-ly. Yet inwardly, we protest. We do not state our o-pinions---what we want ordo notwant. We com-ply.Inside,wefume.
Being authentic is hard. Often, we fear rejection if we are. We dread disapproval. Expressing our feelings and wants don't happen. We fear ruining the relationship.
Big question. What type of relationship is it, if we can't be honest? Is it worth having? I say no.
Not express-ing our true selves does not let others know the real us. How empty is that? Nobody's needs are met. Our need for connection and closeness are not met. Intimacy---to know and be known is not satisfied. The need of others to understand us is neglected. Relating with us---genuinely---doesn't take place.
The ancient Greeks used masks in plays. The classic tragedy and comedy masks we know. They indicated a performer's role. Built within them were megaphones. They amplified the character's voice.
This is where the mask got it's name. Personna. Per---which means through---and sona, which refers to sound. The personna was the image the character portrayed as he "sounded" through a mask.
This is the source for the word "person." More than 2,700 years later, it is still true. Many people continue to speak through a big mask, not revealing their true selves.
We say, "I'm fine" when asked how we are. While the fact is we aren't. Our relationships are as tasty as shredded wheat.
That is an insult to shredded wheat. That fiber-filled cereal is tastier than insincere, inauthentic relationships.
Today, I was real. I was angry with someone. This person had not seen me this way. A rare occurrence. However, there was no mask. I said what I wanted. I expressed what I didn't want and what irritated me.
It. Felt. Good.
There's nothing wrong with anger. It's how we express it that's important. We can be intense without being frightful. With strong emphasis, I stated my feelings without judgment.
This required noticing the judgments and seeing where I was blaming another for my feelings. Instead, I took responsibility for my emotions. I removed the "shoulds" I had towards this person.
I felt much better. I was connecting fully with the deeper needs underlying my negative feelings. I experienced release, without requiring the other person to change.
My life became manageable.
How did I experience release? I expressed my feelings fully, with intensity. But I was not scary while angry with the person who upset me.
I took responsibility for my feelings, not blaming her. I did this by expressing the depth of my emotions and needs. Without judging her.
Because I did, the other person heard me. Thank God for recovery. I responded. I did not react. My needs to self-express and enjoy peace of mind were met. And for that, I have an Attitude of Gratitude. Gratitudes:
1. My life is richer beyond my imagination ever considered. I am thankful for all the blessings I enjoy.
2. I enjoy being present. I am not hampered by fear or anxiety. I love discovering where my relationships will go, not manipulating out-comes.
3. The nature and depth of my friendships. It satisfies my soul, connecting with others, where loving, considerate honesty is matched with integrity, authenticity, compassion and emotional safety.
4. I am happy helping people from different corners of the Earth. Today, I had a session with someone in Bavaria. Yesterday with a client in Austin, Texas and one in Reno, in addition to those I saw in person, in San Leandro.
5. I love the confidence that recovery offers. I love being free from codependency and the discretion/prudence recovery gives me. I am bathed with the garlic of recovery----it keeps emotional vampires away, freeing me from toxic relationships.
How About You?
What are your gratitudes for today?