Empathy Is More Important Than Being Right.......... 2/25/21

 

    Someone confronted me yesterday. 

    Initially, I was alarmed.  That rarely happens.  No, not about being disturbed, but about being confronted. 

   This client said I was speaking loudly.  I am known for my soft-spokenness. 

Relating With Difficult Others.... 9/24/14

      A guest to this inn once said:

"Try doing having acceptance when your almost 8-year-old makes weekly mass an exercise in humiliation!"

      I imagine it must, at times, be frustrating,

Armida, Part I. Counting Our Blessings: A Reminder That Tomorrow or Next Month Is Not Guaranteed ................ 5/27/11

      How are you?  I'll discuss today's topic after my gratitudes.

I've been on the go for several days. Thursday, I met with friends.  Afterward, some of us took in a movie: "Thor."  My oldest son is a manager at a twenty-five-screen theater, and I get to see first-run movies for free.  It makes me a popular date. :->  (Free large bag of popcorn and soda too, if desired.)

My Gratitudes Before Saturday Rolls Around:

1. I rested today. Nice. I stayed home this evening; I'm gearing up for Saturday, which will be eventful and carry on until late.
2. I visited with my oldest son Thursday. I'm proud of him: he's working hard: he's completing college, works a job, and now has been elected as president of the local chapter of the American Marketing Association. (He's a business major.)

     The honesty and openness we share are heartening. It was good hearing my son laugh while we visited.  Stress is an ongoing part of his life.  Sharing light-hearted moments was good for both of us.  Connecting and discussing any issue is easy for us; our bond makes my heart smile.
3. I purchased a book to replace one of the seven vital books I lost recently.  I've been eking out my studies for my personal growth.  I now have three; I borrowed two others from a friend.

      The ones lost are irreplaceable. Hundreds of cross-references I hand wrote in each.  300-500 added entries to the indexes I also had in them. Not to mention my marginalia, which was microscopic and copious. I've studied these books daily for years, close to a decade. They each had more than three thousand+ hours of notes in them. They are what contribute the bulk of what you hear from me when you visit me here.

     These books stirred my personal growth, offered wise perspectives, and provided inner healing and clarity.  I suffer not having them.  It's challenging opening up "naked" unmarked books. They're not the same.  Insights captured over the years and embedded in them are gone. It's hard starting all over again.  But...........
4. I'm glad that I'm gradually rebuilding my library's vital, integral core.

Making the Most Out of Our Lives
Tomorrow is Not Guaranteed
       Seeing friends last night was a great way to conclude the week. They're beautiful people. What I like best is that everyone is emotionally healthy.  They've worked through their issues.  I value their warmth, insight, and kindness.

      There was a shocker to this week's gathering.  One person blithely shared she recently visited the doctor. Armida fell and thought she had cracked vertebrae. The hospital did an MRI, finding out that was the least of her worries: she's severely riddled with cancer. This voracious disease is in her bones, lymph nodes, and lungs.  It may travel to her brain. They've given her 3-6 months to live.

       Tears streamed down my face as she calmly shared the news with a bright, sincere smile. Gosh.  In shock, unable to comprehend what she said, I was. "This could not be??" I thought. What she shared was incongruent with her calm and positive demeanor.

        Speaking with her, one-on-one, later, culminated in giving Armida a big hug----a request of hers. Visiting her, bringing mutual friends, I intend on doing.  I'll act soon, while she's mentally clear, and even after when she isn't. Guitar I'll bring. Music comforts the soul, don't you agree?  Her illness strikes an emotional chord; I've been assisting someone who's recovering from cancer surgery on her leg since last July.  Also, my dad died from prostate cancer not long ago.

        We want to let our loved ones know we love them; tomorrow is not guaranteed.
How About You? 
1. Who is someone you feel strongly prompted to visit?  My encouragement is to do it.
2. What has been a big shock you've experienced lately?  If you feel comfortable sharing it with us, that would be great. If not, you may want to get it out of your system by sharing this disturbing news with a caring, empathetic friend.  It works. I know from personal experience
**************************************
Update: 8/4/11 My dear friend Armida died Monday, 8/1/11, at 12:55 p.m., surrounded by family and loved ones.  I was fortunate enough to serenade her twice this month.  Most recently, Sunday, the night before her departure.

        Armida's irrepressible spirit left an indelible imprint on this writer. Her death is my loss and that of those who knew her. You can read the story about the innkeeper serenading her, her dancing eyes, and an unexpected but comforting guest here.

Wealthy Beyond Measure: Stress Free, Too .5/22/11

“Abundance does not consist in how

 much we have, but in how much

 we enjoy.”

 

     Good evening, everyone,
How was your weekend? Yesterday, my sons, a friend, and I were immersed in nature all day. At Sunol Regional Wilderness Park, near Niles Canyon, south of Pleasanton.  My sons, along with a friend I've known for fourteen years, and I hiked. For more than two hours, alternatingly

Acceptance and Difficult Others 4/17/11

In a previous post about acceptance, Thag said:

"Try doing having acceptance when your almost 8-year-old makes weekly mass an exercise in humiliation!"

     Dear Thag,
I imagine it must, at times, be frustrating, raising two young daugh-ters, especially if one is strong-willed.  I'm not sure your oldest is, but she might be.  Fortunately, none of mine were.  I lucked out.

     There was a time, when I fathered  three teenage sons. That season required grace and wisdom I often lacked.

     Fortunately, they've turned out to be three magnificent sons.  I'm thankful for God's help.  I did my best and left the results to Him.  I find the following quote from Marshall Rosenberg helpful, I hope you do, too:

'Everything is in a constant process of discovery and creating. Life is intent on finding what works, not what's right'       Margaret Wheatley

It may be best to not look for the "bad," "wrong," or devious motivation for our children [or anyone's,] behaviors.  Our children are only and always trying to meet their human needs.  I train myself to look beneath the behavior for the need they are trying to meet, addressing that. In this way I will get to the reason they are doing what they're doing, and I'll also be able to help them choose actions that better serve their needs.

'Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated, mis-takes are tolerated, communication is open, and rules are flexible.'  

 Virginia Satir states: Parents are sometimes afraid to empathize with their children out of fear that they will then have to 'give in' and give their child what they ask for.  However, empathy doesn't mean you agree to do anything your child asks. It simply means 'I care about what's going on with you.'

As we know, the message we send is not always the message received.

Sometimes when we make a request, we can pick up on verbal cues or body  language to determine that the message we sent was received the way we intend-ed.  But other times you can tell that whatever you said was "Greek" to the listener. 

To ensure a smooth exchange of information, try getting into the habit of asking the listener to reflect back what they heard you say.  They don't have to give a word-for-word recitation, but simply state what they think you said.  Incorporating this into your conversations, upsets and misunderstandings can be avoided.

It's important expressIng appreciation when your listener tries to meet your request for a reflection.  Answering with "That's not what I said" or  "You weren't listening to me" will have the opposite effect.  A simple, "I'm grateful to you for telling me what you heard, I can see I didn't make myself as clear as I'd like. Let me try again." No Greek there!

******************** 

A Helpful Practice

       I ask others if they can tell me what they've heard me say.  Reflecting back what I hear, helps, too. It removes confusion. Again, what is communicated may not be what is heard.

       How many of my readers would like to join me, in exercising reflection this week?  May it be a great and grateful one, as a result!

Related Post:

Responding, Not Reacting

Empathy: A Doorway to Stronger Connection (plus more questions from the innkeeper)

       Did you know it's usually not the best idea, sympathizing with a person who's struggling or depressed?  You didn't expect this friendly writer to say that, did you?   I've learned awhile back, that usually, the best thing I can offer a distressed person, is empathy. What's the difference?   It's the difference between somewhat connecting with that person, when using sympathy, versus a strong, more sensitive connection with that individual when I empathize.

     When I'm with someone who's going out of their mind with anxiety, depression, or any other negative emotion, the last thing they need is sympathy from me.  (This post is not going in the direction where you may think it is.  I'm not suggesting that we ask others to tough it out, like John Wayne.) When I sympathize with another, I'm sharing my story, how I relate with their problem, their issue. I'm prone to say something like:

"I know I was really mad, when something like that happened to me....."

     The problem with this approach is that this statement's focus is on me. That's not what the upset person needs. I find empathy is preferred, especially if they are emotionally fragile.

     I usually use the following way of connecting with the troubled person:

      "Are you frustrated that the results you expected did not pan out? 
        I know you really hoped for a better outcome." 

     I'm just giving one scenario, demonstrating empathy, but I think you get the idea. The focus is on them, and them alone. I get out of the way.  The don't need a story about me.  I believe when we give of ourselves to others, we, in turn, receive. I don't count on it, nor is it my motive, and the results may not be immediate.

         "Cast your bread upon the waters and
            in many days it shall return to you."
                                              Ecc. 11:1.

      We'll enjoy a song in our heart when we partake in supportive, caring fellowship. We'll find ourselves with an attitude of gratitude: one of the deepest joys is connecting with family, friends, co-workers and others in a meaningful, empathic way.

**********************************

 Welcome to the reader from Malaysia.  Thank you for dropping by several times this week!

Kelly, welcome to the Attitude of Grattitude Inn. What are you doing to encourage yourself?
PCF, you've my prayers as you are about to embark on a new journey this summer. You've my support. When we visit, your wisdom and grace impresses me. I want to be like you when I grow up. Please let me know how I can support you.
Phyllis, thanks for posting your gratitudes. I enjoy our correspondence and I'm happy to hear about the success you're enjoying regarding your goals. Has your walking buddy dropped weight? By the way, what's her name?

    By the way, please continue sharing your gratitudes: you're investing in yourself.  It's hard to be frustrated with self or others if you have an attitude of thanksgiving.

Compassion: Focusing on Our Loved One's Feelings and Needs 4/10/11

"If we want to be compassionate we must be conscious of the words we use. We Must both speak and listen from the heart." 

********************************************* 

When we keep the spotlight on the other person's feelings and needs, we support their personal growth. Their motivations will come from a desire to connect rather than to please others, being rewarded or avoid criticism.  

We also support others in evaluating for themselves how well they are meeting their needs, rather than encouraging that they look to others for their evaluation. 

Celebrating successes is an opportunity to connect with another. Instead of offering an evaluation such as "Great Job" or "You're smart," empathize with the feelings and needs that are met for the person you're relating with: "Are you glad because you solved the problem?"        

                     Marshall B. Rosenberg

                              ****************************

      Let me know what you think about this quote.  I agree with Rosenberg's focus on getting away from judgment, even when it's positive, like praise.  
      What ways do you have in encouraging others?  Do you like it when someone says, "Good job," to you? Is it just me being finicky? But when someone says that to me, often I feel as if they've put themselves in a one up position with me, something that I don't like, nor asked them to do. 
      Thank you for dropping by.  May God bless you during what could be a busy week, if we lose our focus.
      The guy from the Left Coast,