Wednesday, September 24

Relating With Difficult Others.... 9/24/14

      A guest to this inn once said:
"Try doing having acceptance when your almost 8-year-old makes weekly mass an exercise in humiliation!"
      I imagine it must, at times, be frustrating,
raising young ones, especially if one is strong-willed.

      I find the following quote from Dr. Marshall Rosenberg helpful, I hope you do, too:
'Everything is in a constant process of discovery and creating. Life is intent on finding what works, not what's right'       Margaret Wheatley
       It may be best to not look for the "bad," "wrong," or devi-ous motivation for [anyone's] behavior.  People are only trying to meet their human needs. I try training myself to look beneath their behavior for the need they are trying to meet, addressing that. In this way I will get to the good reason they are doing what they're doing, and I'll also be able to help them choose actions that better serve their needs.
'Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated, mis-takes are tolerated, communication is open, and rules are flexible.'  
       Virginia Satir states: [People] are sometimes afraid to empathize with others out of fear that they will then have to 'give in' and give that person what they ask for.  However, empathy doesn't mean you agree to do anything your child asks. It simply means 'I care about what's going on with you."
         The message we send is not always the message received. Sometimes when making a request, we can pick up on verbal cues or body language to determine that the message sent was received the way it was intended.  But other times you can tell that whatever you said was "Greek" to the listener. 
        To ensure a smooth exchange of information, try getting into the habit of asking the listener to reflect back what they heard.  They don't have to give a word-for-word recitation, but simply state what they think you said.  Incorporating this into your conversations, many upsets and misunderstandings are avoided.
        It's important expressing appreciation when your listener tries meeting your request for a reflection.  Answering with "That's not what I said" or  "You weren't listening to me" has the opposite effect.  A simple, "I'm grateful for telling me what you heard, I see I didn't make myself clear as I'd like, let me try again." No Greek there!
******************** 
A Helpful Practice

       Frequently, I ask others what they've heard me say.  Reflecting back what I hear, helps, too. It removes confusion. Again, what is communicated may not be what is heard.
Related Post:
Responding, Not Reacting

2 comments:

DINA TOYODA said...

When I hear" "What did you hear me say", - from the worthy Innkeeper, my first reaction is: "I understood you fine, why do we have to go over it again?!" - but I always end up being grateful for being asked to re-cap. It helps me to process the information and my emotions better.

Pablo said...

Dina,

I appreciate your honesty. Check out this post. It reveals why it is good to make sure what is heard is what we have said.

What has been your high point for the past week?

A curious innkeeper

Quotes from the Posts

"I'm mindful that our thoughts affect the words we use, our words influence our actions, our actions shape our character and our character determines our destiny."

From "My Character Determines My Destiny." To read it, please click here.

"Progress not perfection, is better than no progress at all, especially when we're trying to rid ourselves from unwelcome dragons that dwell within the closets of our soul."

From, "Still Learning" which, within four days, became the most popular post
written. To read it, please click here.

"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its trouble, but it does empty today of its strength"
From the post: "Life Is Not a Correspondence Program." Click here to read it.

"Even though we cannot control our circumstances, we can control how we choose to respond to them."

From, "Handling Stress and Dealing With an Emotional Bully."Click here to read this post.

"Nope, being busy isn't exciting. Boring is good. Because boring is not boring; boring is being healthy, living a balanced life that has serenity"

From: "Do You Know What It Means If You Are Too Busy?" For more, please click here.

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