Sunday, September 21

Beyond Button Pushing---Abiding With Triggered Feelings, Getting Healed .............. ...................9/21/14

Image: "Cumbria: Hindscarth from High Spy"  By Tim
Blessed.  Copyrighted photo.  Used by permission. 
     I had a sensa-tional time this morning.

      Deeply fulfilling.  I spent time with a good friend for sev-eral hours.  Tough, but good.  We were both nurtured.

      Honesty, com-passion reigned.  Our needs for intimacy, connection and integrity were met.  We ad-dressed buttons that could have been pushed by either of us.

      We know the rou-tine, when we fall in love.  Profuse are our professions. We glow over what we share in common with the other person.

       Kindness radi-ates in the relation-ship.  We are filled with the warmth of affection.  Usually, at this stage, we com-mit to each other.

         Sounds good, doesn't it?  It isn't.  It is best going through power struggles, first.

         In reality, these troubling issues are not what they appear.  Con-flicts allow us to know areas needing healing, our vulnerabilities. When maturely processed with the other person, our ability to communicate deepens.
      Key is not  reacting. Troubling issues are discussed.  The needs beneath are addressed. We are ack-nowledging what is alive within.

      Nothing gets healed when ignored.

      It is less aggravating if we stop our plans on changing the other person.  Conflict in the relationship allows us to develop consciously as a couple.  It is a chance for personal growth.

      Wounds are healed. Foibles are remedied.  Our character strengthens, both of us become more whole, and authentic.

      We are less susceptible to default patterns that no longer serve us.

     It lets us move beyond vexing issues, the problemed areas we had before entering any relationship.

     Processing any source of pain between a couple permits the two to evolve.  No need to amputate the differing person from their lives.  Usually, the problem isn't with the other person.

      We are the problem.  The Hunchback of Notre Dame of our vulner-abilities and baggage surfaces in the relationship.  This ogre creates the discord that disturbs the other person.

     Working through troubling issues strengthens relation-ships.  It enables us to move beyond the narrow sense of who we are and our Victim Story (See #8).  It avoids finger pointing.  Sometimes this requires outside help.

     Addressing areas of pain or confusion leads to transformational growth.  That happened today.  I was stunned.

      I marveled at my friend's maturiy.  Her humility drew us closer.  We worked through a triggering area.  Healing happened.

      We enjoyed deeper intimacy, commitment.  It was the harvest of toiling under the sun of honesty.  A deep, healing and meaningful time resulted.  It was the fruit of transparency shared.

      When being authentic, we say things that feel awkward.  We take risks.  Because we did today, our relationship deepened.

       I understand her more clearly.  She has a better view of me.

      Transcending beyond power strug-gles causes some-thing to happen.  It creates a "we system.We become interde-pendent.

       This is the offspring of honesty.  Just like childbirth, this process can be painful.  But worth it.

       If attracted to someone, the passion of infatuation is not enough to guarantee permanence.  It may have the same flash as when a pile of leaves is lit on fire.  But it will be as ephemeral.

      Authentic communicating improves a relationship.  It evolves the dynanic engaged in it.  True connection is the branches needed for creating a more enduring fire.
        We relate with compassion and empathy.  Everyone is better understood.  We are emotionally naked.

       There is no cause for shame.  We are present with each other.  This is the stuff of genuine intimacy.

      Commitment with another before working through power struggles usually ends up hurtful.  The relationship is less likely to endure.  It is leaves without roots.  It is form without substance.

      Working through painful feelings requires work.  But the results of doing so contributes to a warmth, authenticity, and permanence of relating not found any other way.


Superman said...

Dear Innkeeper,
What a wonderful post! I enjoyed the quote: "Life's too short to hide our feelings." So true!
Thank you,


Life is not for the fainthearted... but becoming someone who can have enough confidence to confront the one they love is a formidable task.

Pablo said...

Dear Superman,

I always appreciate your visits. Thanks for the encouragement. I liked writing what I wrote here. It is from material I created last weekend for clients.

Hope to hear from you again. What did you like about the quote? What need of yours did it meet?

A curious innkeeper.

Pablo said...


Yes, it is formidable if we do not have a supportive network or recovery or know how to express our voice.

As we work on ourselves we learn how to place principles above the vulnerable parts of our personality. But this is not something accomplished alone. We need Safe or Balcony People who are there for us, supporting us, as we transform our character for the better.

Superman said...

Dear Innkeeper,
Life is not a dress rehearsal, so might as well be honest with myself about my feelings. What a gift to express myself, regardless of what others think. How exciting it is to have people who agree with our honest feelings and are willing to share with us. I am grateful to God. Because of him, my life is a miracle. To have endured and tolerated other people and the trauma that ensued, and still survive long enough to finally have an amazing circle of friends in my Al-Anon group is beyond words.

Pablo said...

Dear Superman/Tony,

I agree with you. We might as well find out where we stand with others, by being ourselves.

I am happy hearing that Al-Anon Family Groups provides you with a supportive group of safe people. You are lucky.

Wishing you a great weekend and hoping the SF Giants win today. Hope to see you, again, soon!

Quotes from the Posts

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From "My Character Determines My Destiny." To read it, please click here.

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From, "Still Learning" which, within four days, became the most popular post
written. To read it, please click here.

"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its trouble, but it does empty today of its strength"
From the post: "Life Is Not a Correspondence Program." Click here to read it.

"Even though we cannot control our circumstances, we can control how we choose to respond to them."

From, "Handling Stress and Dealing With an Emotional Bully."Click here to read this post.

"Nope, being busy isn't exciting. Boring is good. Because boring is not boring; boring is being healthy, living a balanced life that has serenity"

From: "Do You Know What It Means If You Are Too Busy?" For more, please click here.