Being A Swami Not Our Job, 2nd Edition ............ 8/9/17

A great way to avoid etching lines in your
 face requires being internally referented. 

      We don't exper-ience an interpreta-tion.
     We imagine them.  Presence requires speak-ing our feelings without inter-preting. Stating our concerns, wants, and perspective  without  judgment   or presumptions  lets others know the real us.

     These authentic words will be more likely heard and felt by friends than control-oriented pro-nouncements. We hurt the relation-ship when we say,
"Oh, you are doing this because..."  Or, "I feel attacked." Or, "Once again you are ignoring me."

        All these statements are faux feelings.  They create judgments about the other person's behavior, not really a statement about our emotions. 

       We do not know what another person thinks.  Nor do we know what transpires within the mind of others. 

        Judgments and assumptions create Life Alienating  Communica-tion (LAC).  LAC drives wedges in relationships. Treating an individual this way demonstrates disrespect.
        When we judge we overlook the other person's need for digni-ty or equality.
        Being present motivates others to listen.  We eliminate our "mind chat-ter" and judgments.  Instead, we say what we feel.  We eliminate interpret-ing, being swayed by our imaginings.

                                                          

                                                           An Example of Being Present

      One recent Sat-urday, I had a mar-velous time with an articulate, smart, fit, attractive woman, a decade younger than me.  We went to the Fairmont Hotel in San Francisco.
        I showed up in a suit, vest, and tie. She filled out a gown, wearing a necklace and high heel shoes, to boot.  Not a common arrange-ment nowadays.
        We listened and delighted in a favorite artist of mine, Eric Shifrin. 

        He does with the piano keys what a Las Vegas dealer does with playing cards--a dazzling display of artistry.  Eric is a  jazz pianist who thrills the ears of those dining and drinking at the Laurel Court Restau-rant located within the hotel.  When he plays, you want to be there.

      One of my favorite exper-iences is yielding as he caresses my ears with music.  While there, I put a hand on his shoul-der, visiting with him as he played the grand piano, in the center of the room.
        We've known each other for fifteen years. He  said he was performing at the hotel for the next two weeks.  The idea of seeing him perform next week had me on cloud nine.
        My date agreed to see him again in six days, the following Friday.
        That Friday, I got ready, donning a different suit and tie.  I called my lady friend, letting her know I would drop by in a few minutes.

In this case, I'm referring to the
last two qualities stated here. 

     "I can't make it.  I am too tired from work.  I'm sorry," she said.
     "It disappoints, and angers me you waited until the last moment to let me know," I said.  "I need more sensitivity. If given a proper notice, I would have ar-ranged for someone to go with me.  I can't get anyone to go with me now."
        "I understand your exhaustion and I am frustrated," I continued.  I need consideration, sensitivity, and better communication when we re-late. Next time, I insist on being informed much sooner when you change  your plans." She agreed

.

         I modelled being present.  No judgments.  I stated what was going on within me.  No interpretations, assumptions or conclusions about her.
       When we are present, we connect with what we sense and feel when with that person.  We authentically express our feelings without judgement.  When we do, bonding takes place.
        Rifts become mended, the relationship can heal and forgiveness blossoms.
       That occurred on another occasion, too.  I had a difficult conver-sation, crying three times.  But, I was real.

      The next day, cycling with my son, I was emotionally cleansed, as if awakened from the coffin of despair.  My im-passioned vulnerability the previous day helped me soar from a bank cloud of turbu-lent feelings churned by the intense conversation.  It helped me emerge into a clearing of sanity and seren-ity.
       Being present and vulnerable provided me with peace of mind.
       I was happier, too. In my body and spirit, I was.  I was not in my mind, the old unhelpful refuge I ran to when mistreated as a little boy.

      What made this possible?  When the trauma happened, in that painful conversation, I was present.  I expressed my anger and resent-ment.  Quietly.  Tearfully.  Respectfully, but honestly.
       I was true to self.  I was not the nine-year old Pablo.  I was not panicking, stuffing the anger or resentment I felt within.

       It was fulfilling.  I was with someone who respected my authenticity.
       When we do not interpret or judge others, they will more likely listen.  They will not be defensive.  Why?  Be-cause we are saying   what we heard them say instead of why we think they said it.
        It's not our job, be-ing a swami.
        Our imaginings do not become a crystal ball, allow-ing us to judge.  We can be entirely wrong with our inter-pretations.  We are not God.
        We don't know the heart---the motives---of others.  As much as we assume we may, we do not know what another person thinks.  We dem-onstrate arrogance, if we believe we do.

We want to stop judging

         Judgments also harm us when we apply them towards those who have harmed us severely.   Often, their behav-ior had nothing to do with us.  It wasn't because we were bad, deserving mistreat-ment.
         Their actions were the result of baggage they had before we were ever around, a result of their insecurities.
         We are angry because of our interpretations, the men-tal static that bombards our minds.  When that occurs, we are not responding to what happened.  These negative thoughts and emotions may make us feel wronged but righteous.

     We are stirring up misery, harboring bitterness within.  Where is the growth in that?  Living by our interpretations validates the story in our head. And it can be entirely wrong.
        It may be as genuine as a wooden nickel.
        Authenticity sets us free from self-imposed misery.  Being in touch with what we are experiencing---our feelings, and needs---allow us to live in reality.  Being genuine involves speaking our truth calmly, without fear.
        We say our no as gently as our yes.  Experiencing authenticity allows us to know equanimity and healing.   And a peace of mind that can be gotten no other way.