Resiliency Revisited.............. 8/20/17

    Thriving during difficult times.

     This is the stuff that emo-tional resiliency is made of.  It is not cowering to abusers.  It is the inner strength that pre-vents us from surrendering when the feet of our character is put to the hot coals of stress.

      Without recovery, this stress is usually self-induced, the result of our projections, judgments and interpretations of the behavior or others. 

      Resiliency is relating with difficult people and not being moved.  While such engaged, we maintain our confidence.  Our happiness is
not robbed.

     Hara Estroff Marano, Editor-at-large for Psychology Today, wrote in "The Art of Resilience" 

Resilient people do not let adversity define them. They find resilience by moving towards a goal beyond themselves, transcending pain and grief by perceiving bad times as a temporary state of affairs. It's possible to strengthen your inner self and your belief in yourself, to define yourself as capable and competent. It's possible to fortify your psyche. It's possible to develop a sense of mastery.

    Yes,  hope can exist during the most stressful times.

    The following are strategies for over-coming stress.  Do you want to sur-mount unpleasant-ness?  Interested in thriving when trying circumstances have their hands around the throat of your joy?
     Would you like to maintain your dignity and freedom while under pressure?  Then, read on.

Resilient people know the value of:
1. Boundaries.  Resilient people do not let others or circumstances dictate their moods. They clearly know who they are.  Stress plays a part in their story.

     Challenging times do not overtake their identity.

     Resilient people know they are not what happens to them.  Let me say that again.  Resilient people realize they are not what happens to them. They transcend their circumstances.

      Resilient people weather rough times well.  They use boundaries.  Resilient people have a firm understanding of what they will accept.

      They also know what they will not tolerate.  This under-standing is their shield.  It protects them against the dragons of manipulators.

      Boundaries protect their vulnerabilities.  Standing true to their values protects them from emotional predators.  Boundaries shield emotionally hardy people from emotionally wilting when stressed.

      They don't know this information only cognitively.  They act, applying principles above the vulnerable parts of their personality.  They exercise boundaries.

      They are fearless.  They do not get their worth by how others react.

2. Not only do they guard their emo-tions, resilient people See the Big Picture.  Present persistent pressures do not narrow the vision of the emo-tionally strong.

     Resilient people enjoy the benefits of having strong character.  Their personality is forceful, but kind, steady and vigorous because of constant use of their recovery. They do the following:
a. Those with recovery detach with love, not amputation.
b.  Resilient people speak from their perspective. They do not speak to manipulate or change the behavior of another.

c.  They strengthen themselves with affirmations.
d.  Emotionally strong people apply literature that helps them grow.

       This means they don't just read the literature.  They study it, mak-ing it a part of their consciousness and use it.  They may have fal-tered at first, when they initially started down the path of recovery.

       But with practice, they got stronger.
e. They have a sponsor.  They don't live in isolation.  A sponsor gives them perspective.

    These are but a five examples of exercising recovery.  Resilient in-dividuals eye steps which remedy their dire circumstances.  Resilient people stay in the solution.

      There are hardy people who enjoy equanimity during the roughest times.  One hallmark of their character is that they do not use inadequate coping measures.  Strategies used as children are abandoned.  They are seen for the ineffective ways of handling stress that they are.

       Emotionally resilient people do not let their inner wounded child drive their emotional bus.  That is, when triggered, they get com-fortable with discomfort.  That is, they are not emotionally fragile.

    They do not freeze, flee, get defensive or fight when caught in a difficult circumstance.  Instead, they determine the needs beneath what troubles them.  Then they take the steps to get these needs met.

      Passivity is dis-missed.  They no longer see their life as a Victim Story  (see the end of this link). They view life from the experience, strength, and hope they enjoy, now, as adults.

      The resilient take responsibility for their lives.  Doing so gives them freedom from what once was bewildering or frightening.  Making excuses or not standing up to difficult times is not their response.

      They have the psychological and emotional wherewithal to handle pressures.  No longer do they respond like children.  Past coping pat-terns that had them stuck emotionally and mentally when faced in dire times are tossed away.

       When their buttons are pushed, they surf, not fight, life's circumstances.  Staying present allows them to operate from their adult strength and power.  They can do this they are freed from external referenting and codependency.

3. Emotionally stable people---those who face the storms of life with equanimity---are clear about their identity.  Calmness during trying times comes from perspective.  Circumstances fluctuate.  Resilient people don't. They surf---not fight---the waves tossed their way.

4.  Those who are resilient keep good company.

     They surround themselves with emotionally mature friends.  Balcony People give them space to grieve. These friends help resilient people work through what troubles them. They turn towards them. The company resilient people keep don't chide or give advice.

     With this supportive network, transparency is possible.  A safe environment is possible. Authenticity and vulnerability is expressed. What ails the resilient is voiced.

      The good news about having such a positive, caring community is that---with practice-- our ability to self-express is cultivated.  In this safe environment, we can say what we feel and want.  Often it is the first time we can do so with-out experiencing ridicule of judgment.

       With the practice developed in our safe community, we are able to exercise this skill in the non-nurturing world. We are bolder. We have the emotional strength and verbal skills to confront bul-lies and stand up to emotional vampires.

       A good support network is only possible when we have braided relationships. These are relationships that go beyond superficiality.  We are genuine with these people.

      We unveil our vulnerabilities without fear of being judged or shamed. These relationships undergird us during times of trouble.

      While a chain is as strong as its weakest link, a rope is as strong as its strongest strand.  When we emotionally or situationally fall apart, the strands of good company bind us together.  All of us were meant for this kind of bonding.

5.  Emotionally re-silient people know what they need to do more of, less of, what to stop doing and what to continue do-ing. This requires making time to do an inventory, usually the last thing on our mind when in crisis.

6.   Key is knowing our vulnerabilities. And admission of our weak-nesses is a sign of strength, rather weakness. "Pride goes before the fall," the saying goes. Same is true when we operate as a Lone Ranger, in our strength, using our mind alone, not from the strength gotten by living within a community of Balcony People.

How About You?
Do you have braided relationships that hold you together when you are afraid and the rope of  your life is "a-frayed"?

       May you have a great and grateful day!