Not Taking the Short Stick of Life. I Deserve Better..... 8/13-14

 Change the changeable, accept the unchangeable, and remove yourself from the unacceptable.                               Denis Waitley

      I give up.  A circumstance worse than being the twentieth person in line at a checkout stand in a supermarket---with each person before me having fifty items---has no appeal.  Reading the National Enquire of disappointment while waiting for life to improve,  no longer interests me.   I do not like feeling so low I could go outside and play handball against the curb.  I have reached the frazzled end of the rope of my patience.

     Recently, I was knocked back, by the bullets of reality. Facing the firing squad of truth terminated several hopes and dreams.  Now, I am moving forward, unencumbered by the anchor of codependency.  Tolerating unneeded frustration is a no no.  Codependency is surrendering our values and opinions because of fear towards

Surprising News, Encountering Insensitivity, Continued (Part II) 2/28/13

       Hi there.

How was your day?  I'm getting up early tomorrow, so I have little time tonight to devote to

Can't Beat Days Like Today ...... 10/24/12

       Good evening,

I just got in. Tuesday was good, ethnically different, challenging, challenging (deliberate repetition), irritating, encouraging, full of intimacy and wonderful. 

       Other than that, not too much to say about the day. :->

Balcony People and Taking Care of Ourselves......: 9/7/12

Balcony People Prevent Us From Falling

       Receiving amaz-ing, beyond belief, support is hearten-ing.

      Major but scary areas in our lives can confronted when given this assistance.  We can enjoy little, but significant victories.  It is the little foxes that ruin the vineyards of life.

      These foxes can be captured, returned to their natural habitat.  This reduces the terror they can create.

        Loving letters from friends bolster our re-solve.

        Supportive phone calls lift us up.  Empathy lets us know we are not alone during tough times.  When needed, keeping good company helps us make it through the day.  It is a bridge that gets us over difficult moments.

       This loving support makes it possible to move forward.  No man is an island. Confronting challenges is easier when taking them one day at a time.  Sometimes, when situations are especially rough, it is better overcoming them fifteen minutes at a time.

       Taking life's dark moments in small increments help us to stay present.  It is less likely we will be overwhelmed.  We are confounded when we try to take on the entire elephantine nature of a problem.  Approaching it in bite-sized portions is emotionally easier on the psyche.  It is even easier when our Balcony People are at our side, rooting us on.

       Balcony People stick by us. They lift us up, after being sucker punched by the unexpected vicissitudes of life.  This is when we are thankful for the support we get when we have a supportive network.

       We learn from the experience, strength and hope of our good friends.  Their smiles, wisdom and compassion provide the connection needed.  During the stressful seasons of life---when we falter, they, our Balcony People, lift us up.

       They uphold us as we place one unsteady foot in front of the other.  Sharing their experience, strength and hope with us is invaluable. You might want to read here, for more about this critical source of support.

       Wonderful con-versations with a family member or connecting with others committed to our welfare heals emotional bruises.  These sores accu-mulate quickly when we are trying to grow.

       These bruises may pop up when we face an unpleasant task. This may happen when we take gigantic steps in our growth. One source of healing during these stretching times is giving ourselves credit.  When trying to grow, often we are facing our fears.  Or we may be overcom-ing old scars.

       When addressing daunting issues, we are taking care one of the most important persons in our lives.  Ourselves.  During stressful times, we need to take whatever steps are necessary to treat ourselves with care.

       This means Quiet Time.

       When we apply this time, we are taking care of yours truly.  Eating healthy meals.   Exercising.  Sleeping well may be what is needed to take off the edge of demanding days.

Listening to music, being with friends and making time for fun (even if we don't feel like it) are ad-ditional ways of nurturing ourselves.  Such action is critical when facing dis-tasteful, scary, circum-stances.

       Caring for ourselves in this loving way, being gentle towards ourselves, is the antidote to pres-sure.  It is a terrific tonic for tension.

       During stressful times this is when we need to especially focus on our needs. We have to be at our best.  This is possible when we nurture our souls. We become strong-er when we give attention to our physical needs.  We are the only person on earth who can make our welfare our number one priority.

      We accomplish this by connecting with our network of good com-pany.  We will also have greater success during life's crucible moments when we slow down to tend to ourselves.

How About You? 
1. How have you received support this week?
2. Has there been an area in your life where you are experiencing more clarity?

Defensive Hope, Not a Good Deal, It Ensures Disappointment 7/8/11

     The following quote is from page 97, Safe People, by the authors, Drs. Cloud and Townsend, published by Zondervan

        Defensive hope is hope that [we think] protects us against grief and sadness.  

       Sometimes simply hoping a person will change keeps us from the pain that we need to face.  Hu-mans are incredible optimists. Especially when it comes to destructive relationships.  For some rea-son we think that a person who is hurtful, irrespon-sible or out of control, abusive, or dishonest is going to change.  All we have to do is love them correctly or more or enough. We think that if we just let them know about their mistakes or cry the blues, or get angry, they will change. 

     In short, we have hope. But it is a hope that disap-points. In this scenar-io we use hope to de-fend our-selves against facing the truth about someone we love. We don't want to go through the sadness of realizing that they probably aren't going to change. We don't want to accept the reality about who they are.  So, we hope, not wanting to face reality. 

        Usually this kind of hope did not start in our cur-rent relationship.  We usually have an old pattern of not facing grief and disappointments in many past relation-ships, dating back to childhood.  (Emphasis, mine.)

        Facing sadness is difficult.  It places the respon-sibility of change on us, instead of hoping that un-safe person is going to change.  We have to learn to not expect that he will change.  We have to make other friends.  We need to adapt to a nonfulfillng marriage.  

        We want the courage to set limits and conse-quences.  We will want to make many more tough choices that may change our relationships.

        Yes, hope is easier in the beginning.  In the end it is more difficult. Not facing reality is to stay stuck and to get more of the same in the future. Defensive hope is one of the biggest reasons that we allow de-struction to continue in life.

        Looking at reality helps us thrive.  When we do, we get emotion-ally healthier.

       Grieving proves to be a critical step for healing.   A big part of ac-ceptance: mourning, connecting at the sensory-motor level with what transpires within us.  We do this to overcome the effects of the trauma.

       Sanity involves letting go of fantasies.  We become realistic in how we see our circumstances.  We start experiencing the reality of our feelings. 

       Sanity requires moving beyond inadequate coping strategies.

       This required step allows us to transcend our circumstances, un-healthy relationships, or disturbing feelings.   Seeing life realisti-cally demonstrates self-compassion.  We become rooted in our inner selves.

        This defines being present, not triggered by the drama surrounding us.  We do not ignore what our intuitive self declares to our conscious self.  (See Footnote 1)

       Acceptance from a recovery perspective becomes the first step towards thinking differently.  We see the landscape of our life.  We determine what we can do to surmount our difficulties.  

       This form of acceptance empowers us.  We see our options.  We are not helpless, hopeless victims. 

      

       We move beyond being stuck.

       This approach is active.  It is the exact opposite of accep-tance with resignation, which is passivity. We move beyond painful emotions and the difficulties challenging us. Acceptance with recovery creates a better today.

"Came to believe in a power greater than ourselves that could restore us to sanity."                            Step Two

         We overcome false beliefs that life improves if we wait.  Not true.  This often happens with fantasies we have about unhealthy people who populate our social circle.  An idealistic perspective pre-vents us from seeing life or difficult others clearly, with discernment.

         We enjoy a realistic view of life when using Step Two in Recovery.

         This step heals.  As we move from victims to individuals making healthier choices, we take back control of our lives.  We are staying in the solution, moving forward. (See footnote. 2)
       

       The quoted passage by Cloud and Town-send is also true with our circumstances.  We may fantasize about them.  We may not want to face the truth.  Again, facing disappointment is important if our lives are to improve.

      After grieving, we let go.  We decide what to do next.  We consider our healthiest, most constructive options.  

        When we make peace with our reality, we'll have a greater Atti-tude of Gratitude to complement the increasing sanity and serenity we enjoy.

My Gratitudes:
1. My work is satisfying.

      I love what I do.  No two days are the same.  I contribute to the positive well-being of the world.  How could I not have an Attitude of Gratitude?

      I'm moved when others get more out of life because of my work.  I celebrate the purpose my life holds.

2. I grateful others appreciate my efforts.

      I get plenty of that.  It's wonderful that clients value the work I do.  Not that I need appreciation to have serenity. 1 (Footnote below)
3. I value each comment visitors write. It builds the community we enjoy here.
4. I'm thankful for each person who drops by.  It's nice having you here. It makes the work I do here as the innkeeper worthwhile.
How About You? 
1.  What losses have you been grieving regarding a relationship?
2.  What are some tough choices that you are making?
3.  In what ways have you been facing reality lately?

Footnotes

1. "If  I can learn to evaluate my own actions and behavior and value my own judgment, then the approval of others will be enjoyable, but no longer no longer essential to my serenity. Just for today, I will appreciate myself.  

    "I will not look to others s for approval; I will provide it for myself. I'll allow myself to recognize that I am doing the best I can. Today my best is good enough."
                Courage to Change, p. 9

2. "Focusing on ourselves doesn't mean we let other people walk all over us and pretend not to notice, or that whatever others do is acceptable.  Nor does it imply that we should stop caring about our loved ones.  Focusing on ourselves simply means that when we acknowledge the situation as it is, we look at our options instead of looking at the options available to other people.  

     "We consider what is within our power to change instead of expecting others to do the changing. As a result, problems have a better chance of getting solved, and we lead more manageable lives."   Courage to Change, p. 359

      Our life becomes somewhat more manageable ("have a better chance") because we do have some control over how we choose to live our lives.  I say "some" because our character defects get in our way, even here, as we attempt to transcend our errant ideals, past history, and pain. This points to the value of having Balcony People.

       For more information about them, you can read here. Have a great and grateful day!

Image: Cumbria: Dervent and Skiddaw  by Tim Blessed © all rights reserved, used by permission

Suffering Loss (and staying in our power & integrity when others manipulate, using anger or shame) 5/2/11

      I had a bad experience Friday night. One of my worst nightmares came true. A few days I needed, to process my grief and shock.  Friday, I spoke. That went well. A friend drove me to the event; we had dinner before hand, catching up with each other's life.  I had with me a case that held books I use. Often, when speaking, I refer to them.

     After the event was over, my friend needed to put water in his radiator, the result of a recent accident, where he hit another car with the front end of his. I left the case on the trunk of his car while I went to talk with others. You guessed it. We took off with the luggage bag on top of the trunk. It fell off

Expressing Our Voice: A Great Antidote for Depression or Frustration 4/18/11

My Gratitudes for Today:

1.  I wrote a letter to a friend I've known since I was twelve.  A disappointment needed processing. Expressing concerns in a caring manner is

Getting What We Want: Going Beyond Disappointment ......................4/15/11

     I attended a business meeting today that has strong consequences for me.  The unsatisfactory outcome didn't surprise me, there's a lot of room for improvement on this employer's part.  (I work for several.) 

      I stated what I needed. The powers that be, are responding to my request. One thing I've learned over time is that I need to take responsibility for life's disappointments, even if someone else causes them.  Yes, I'm the one responsible for coping with them.

       If I say to a person who upsets me, "until you change from doing x,y and z, I'll be angry, unhappy, (put in your anticipated negative response),"  I'm surrendering my happiness and serenity over to that individual.  I've just stated that my joy is based upon their reaction.  Not a good deal.  

        This person may not have the ability, or consciousness to meet my needs.  In today's meeting, I was assured that I'll get an answer to my request within a few days.  Good, I like that response.

        When facing unsatisfactory circumstances, I consider my options.  Applying positive alternatives is crucial for my mental health.  If I'm discouraged, I can spend time with good friends.  Exercising provides an additional outlet for stress.  

         I can listen to music I love or call a Balcony Person for a supportive ear.  Praying, journaling or walking in the countryside are other ways of nurturing myself when frustrated or my nerves are frayed.

        There are many things I can do to have the serenity needed, in order to personally thrive.  I'm less exasperated when I'm aware that happiness is a choice; it's not based upon what other people say or do. Focusing on troubles and disappointments only makes them loom larger and more disturbing. 

        Staying in the solution allows me to have an Attitude of Gratitude. Taking constructive action towards overcoming a disappointment allows me to create a better today.

"Acting like a victim is a choice, not a destiny."

         Here's to making healthy choices,