Freedom From Frenzy: Caution God at Work ...... 9/20/14

I'm mindful that our thoughts affect the words we use, our words in-
fluence our actions, our actions shape our character and our character
determines our destiny.   (See below) 

     Welcome to visitors.  An unusual week, our second largest readership were three hundred and fourteen guests from Germany.   Usually it is the U.K. The U.S. is always first, with 3,342 doing so this week.  Thanks for dropping by!

My Gratitudes: 

1. This evening, I rested. Taking care of ourselves is good. If not careful, we can push harder than what is best for our sanity or serenity.

It's difficult being in touch with our feelings when we are caught up with busyness.  When there are too many distractions competing for attention, our feelings lose, they are neglected.

Expressing Our Voice: A Great Antidote for Depression, Revisited............... ...................7/9/13

Image: "Scotland: Ben Nevis With His Hat On"

       I wrote to a friend I've known since twelve.  A disap-pointment needed processing.  Expres-sing our concerns is the best approach.

      Non-violent communication (NVC) helps. We get better results when expressing needs without using Life Alienating Communication. For more about this subject, you can read here.

       Its five forms are blame, shame, fear, guilt, or judgment.  Rela-tionships improve when using NVC.

      The letter worked: my friend responded to my needs.  I strongly expressed what disturbed me and what I wanted in our relationship.

      Our life improves, when we take care of the needs beneath what troubles us.  It involves standing in our power, recovery and integrity.  You can read here (the second half of this post), for addition-al thoughts.  

      We needn't be stuck or panic when life presents unwanted circumstances.

      It's our responsibility, handling life's disappointments.  Resentment builds if we expect others to rescue us. 

      A child, we are not. Responsibility for effecting outcomes we want is ours.  We are the only per-son on earth who can make our needs our number one responsibility.  (Courage to Change, p. 229)

     One key point: it helps seeking God's will, along with asking Him for the power to carry it out. This is applying Step 11 in recovery.  If things don't go our way, we don't sulk.

  We trust life's out-comes after our best ef-forts at following His will.

     Asking God to do what we want is asking him to perform our will, not His.  In Twelve Step recovery work, making a decision to turn our life over to the God of our understanding is the Third Step.  It grants us serenity.  

     We will be happier campers.  A crucial point: if I'm disturbed by a person or circumstance, I haven't turned that person or situation over to God.  I'm still at square one, Step One, in recovery speak.

     We'll be encouraged, seeing new legacies rooting in our lives, the result of exercising constructive actions.  Expressing our needs, while also being respectful towards others is a difficult characterological skill.  It is a skill not taught to us as kids.   

     It isn't our family's fault, alone, this inability to express our values and needs while simultaneously being kind and courteous.  Churches and schools contributed to our social ineptness, as kids.

Unhealthy Principles Often Taught in Childhood:

1. We are to unquestioningly obey others.

2. Expressing our opinion is not allowed. 

3. To not speak, unless spoken to versus being respected for what we have to say. 

4. Others know our needs better than we do.  We are to trust and defer to the opinion of others, even if we ar uncomfortable or disagree with the views presented.

              a.  This is the beginning of being externally referented.

5. Ignore our feelings. Comply, even if it doesn't feel right, because we should.

6. Disagreeing, is disrespectful. This is especially if the other person is an authority figure.

7. Passivity is encouraged.

     Often we are coerced as children to open our minds. Allowing values to be poured into our minds.  They are not to be challenged.  This was being a good child, student and parishoner.  There was a small problem. We are individuals.  

     The above listed values are unpalatable, now and back then.  Holding onto our dignity and self-esteem, by swimming against the current of childhood authority figures, was courting punishment and shame while growing up.  As a result, we face disappointment, the crushing of our spirit.   

     The values listed above make us timid, not a driven or confident person.  Defiance towards authority figures subjected to shame, punishment and ridicule.  Our independent self is tamed, squelched.

     We want to live in relationships where we enjoy reciprocity, mutuality and independence.  Being respectful while maintaining our individuality allows us to be authentic and peace of mind.  We'll be happier while maintaining our dignity, too.  We'll enjoy improved, balanced relationships.

      Our vision clears, allowing us to make decisions that are fair for everyone, others and ourselves, too.  Frustration is replaced with satisfying relationships. What a gift it is, being freed from the disease of codependency. 

Expressing Our Voice

      We have integrity when voicing our boundaries.  We being at home with ourselves.  Boundaries declare our values, likes and dislikes. 

       It lets others know the "Must Haves" and "Can't Stands" that define who we are.  If we want to be happy, we need to be adults.  Adults disagree with others.  Boundaries are normal and necessary for equanimity and peace of mind, and emotional safety.

       We risk disapproval when we are clear about our boundaries and are mindful our worth is not based upon what others think of me.  (Courage to Change, pps. 9, 118, 217)

      Others can think and feel however they please about us.  But, we are happiest when our behavior is congruent with our internal clock.  We enjoy greater satisfaction when we live consistently with our worldview.   

      Will rattle others, though. 

How About You?

1.  Is there anything that prevents you from expressing your views?
2.  What allows you to overcome the negative conditioning you experienced as a child? 

Courage: Speaking Truth with Kindness & Courtesy (also, Seeking God's Will Amidst the Clutter of Life's Demands.) .....4/19/11

Thank God for beautiful flowers!

       My gratitudes for today, while it is yet Tuesday:

1. Someone strayed from general principles that are foundational for Al-Anon Family Groups.  Unfortunately, her influence disrupted the unity among members. I spoke with her privately this evening, after a meeting we attended.  When I finished, she wrinkled her nose and said, "Thank you."

      It was clear she was annoyed.  That's okay.  I'm glad I spoke calmly and courteously.  How she chooses to respond is up to her.  I spoke from my perspective, how I felt about her actions.

     I mentioned the need for unity, harmony and fellowship.  After I shared my concerns, I let it go.   Her response was not my focus. Time will tell.  The results are in God's hands.  I "Let Go and Let God."

     I'm thankful for the courage I exercised this evening, this person has an aggressive personality.

3. Cooperation is always great.  Healthy, considerate communication invigorates my soul.  I'm glad I spoke my truth with this woman after the meeting. It's important for me to understand others and to be understood.

4. Early this morning, before the day got started, I listed my priorities.

        I did so, prayerfully.  I submitted these tasks before God, asking for His guidance.  It's a great,  getting many tasks accomplished.

       What was more satisfying, was operating from a perspective seeking His Will.  What I did today was not a result of hustling, making things happen, in my own strength alone.

"The mind of man plans his ways but the Lord directs his (man's) steps."   Prov. 16:9

"Commit your ways to the Lord and your plans shall be established."    Prov. 16:3

Time With Family

       I'm meeting with my oldest son tomorrow, for lunch.  It's overdue.   Nothing is greater than investing in family.  I pray God blesses our time.

       My son is a gift from God----a considerate young man.  He's working hard, finishing his degree at a nearby university.  I'm convinced the best thing I can do for my sons is to let them know how proud I am of them, love them and be available, if they need me.

5.  I appreciate the time my son and I will have to connect

6.  One of my best friends I'll see this Thursday.

     I was his best man when he got married and he was mine, when I got married. We've known each other since the 7th grade. We went through school and sports together.  Meeting with him allows me to enjoy mutuality, terrific conversation, deep love for each other, stability, and the support that only an old friend provides.

     Thank you, everyone, for dropping by.  May I ask you to share your gratitudes?  I know many of you are still getting used to this place which is essentially a gratitude journal for Blogger's cyber community.  Don't you think now would be a good time to exercise your gratitude muscles?  I hope and believe so.
     

Wealth : True Friends and Plenty of Joy ....... 4/2/11

“We can be thankful to a friend for a few acres or a little money; yet for the freedom and of the
 whole earth, and for the  benefits of our being, our life, health, and reason, we look up ourselves
 as under no obligation.”— Marcus Annaeus Seneca   

    Good evening everyone,
I'm getting in my gratitudes for today, before the witching hour of midnight. As most of you know, I ask you to please share three things for which you are grateful. If you are a newbie to this place, I'll give you a deal: just share one thing for which you are grateful. It will help you to develop your gratitude muscles.

"A merry heart maketh a cheerful countenance:

  but by sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken."

                      Proverbs 15:13

Here are mine:
1. I love my life.It has never been more satisfying. I went to the store last night to get groceries. The cashier asked, "how are you?" My answer: " I'm doing so well that if it got any better, I don't think I could stand it!" 

    The basis for that answer? Well, I'm loved, cared for and have many loving, accepting friends. I don't keep friends who judge others. Someone has said, "To observe without judgment is the highest form of wisdom." I agree.

    My friendships don't just happen; they take time to grow. Lee Iaccoca said, "if a man dies and he had five friends, he was a wealthy man." I agree.  I've more than five.

    Then again, many of them have been nurtured over thirty five, twenty-five, fifteen and eight years. I'm not talking about acquaintances. I'm thinking of those who would help me me at 2:00 a.m., if necessary. I know they would die for me, if necessary.  And I, for them.

     I've only lost a few friends that way. (Kidding.)  More importantly, I'm thankful for the loving, patient, relationship I have with God and my family. I'm fortunate.

     Much of my serenity and sanity is due to incarnational ambassadors of God's love. I thankful that I don't know God's love just cognitively. Nope, I enjoy His love through friends and family. A listening ear from an insightful friend does wonders.

 "A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver."  Jewish proverb

      Getting out the negative emotions and thoughts bubbling within me, when I talk with a friend diminishes their power. Order and clarity is created. I attain clarity.

2. I took a nap. I was in halt.  I halted, remedying the problem. See my previous postt if you don't know what I mean.
3. I saw a great movie, a historical film. I enjoy quiet moments, taking in new information.
4. I'm thankful for joy. Much of it is due to a perspective I've developed over the past seven years. It allows me to look at my options when in the midst of drama and to take care of myself.
5. I celebrate the viewers who've dropped by since this place opened March 13th. I'm glad this place encourages visitors. It makes what I do here, as the innkeeper of this blog worthwhile.
6. I'm glad God controls this universe, not me. I'm constantly reminded by the media of the severe problems this world faces. Think of the devastation that is going on in Japan, for instance.  I'm thankful for the following quote: 

"If we keep our face towards the sun
 we won't see much of darkness."

I'm humbled when I'm remember Helen Keller said this.

7.  I'm grateful for the comments posted by friends. Thank you.

Perfectionism, Procrastination, Paralysis: It's Antidote ......... 3/30/11

     Perfectionism is a disease. Have you heard of the three Ps?  They are perfectionism, procrastin-ation, and paralysis; they are related to each other, a typical negative pattern of behavior. 

          It's a regression.  Perfectionism leads to procrastinating because the task before us appears overwhelming, and we become emotionally unmotivated.  If we stall, the problem develops a life of its own, and we find ourselves paralyzed.  

         These additional problems evolve when our principles are overrun by the vulner-able parts of our personality.  In such times, fear, anxiety, resentment, and other negative feelings creep in.  When we find ourselves flummoxed and in a vulnerable place, the quotations below help:

I have yet to meet an absolute per-fectionist whose life was filled with inner peace. The need for per-fection and the desire for inner tran-quility conflict with each oth-er. Whenever we are attached to having something a certain way,  better than it al-ready is, we are, by definition, engaged in a losing battle.

Rather than being content and grateful for what we have, we are focused on what's wrong with something and our need to fix it.  When we are zeroed in on what's wrong it implies that we are dissatisfied, discontent. with life.

                            Richard Carlson,  Don't Sweat the Small Stuff

*****

 

     This blog is a miracle.  It is a baby. Seventeen days old. 

      It is an experience writing publicly. That's okay.  I am doing the regular practice that produces progress. 

      Posting my thoughts here reminds me of when I drove my first car.  It had a clutch, making it more challenging to handle.  The second time out was a doozy and a bad idea. 

       I was sixteen. I only had my permit and should have driven with an adult. I put it out on a busy street, Winchester Ave. in San Jose, with no one else joining me. 

      I did not know how to drive.  There I was, scooting along with other cars.  I had no idea what I was doing. 

       It was a dangerous time for the drivers surrounding me.  I could have bumped into them.  If only these motorists knew the danger next to them because of my inept driving.

       Those feelings returned two weeks ago when opening the doors to this inn of gratitude.  I have no clue what I'm doing here.  

      I simply put one foot in front of the other.  In this age of cynicism, I encourage guests to this inn to share their gratitude.  It isn't that happy people are grateful. 

      It's that those who are grateful enjoy life more and are happy. 

         

      Thanks for dropping by.  Here, we share our Attitude of Gratitude.   We rejuvenate our hearts with praise. We invest in ourselves when we post here.  

      Our spirit becomes alive when we focus on whatever is lovely or worthy of praise. May we feel the blessing of lifting our hearts with thankfulness.  

          Tuesday, I spoke before an audience about not being overwhelmed by those who frustrate us or push our buttons.  Tonight. I shared how we can get back our voice and not be manipulated by the anger of emotional bullies. 

          It makes my day seeing the audience interested in developing discernment in their relationships.  It's heartening witnessing others experiencing joy in their lives.

        When it comes to public speak-ing, I do the best, leaving the results to God. There is no need for perfection-ism. My best for today is good enough.

         I look forward to hearing what's going on in your lives.  Communicating, fellowship, and celebrating life are good for everyone's soul.  Have a terrific Thursday.  Keep looking up,

Related Post:

Progress, Not Perf3ktion