Boundary Practice: Dodging a Raging Bull..................... 9/4/13

"For every minute you remain angry, you give up sixty
 seconds of peace of mind."      Ralph Waldo Emerson. 

 "When you are angry or frustrated, what comes out? What-ever it is, it's a good indica-tion of what you are made of.   H. Jackson Brown 

        Saturday evening, I dodged a raging bull.

       I did this calmly.  I even had presence of mind.  I came across this angry person while registering for the event at the front door.
  
      I hadn't seen her for two years.  "Why," she asked, "did you stop attending the meeting on Tuesday nights?"  I let her in on my reason.  

       Two and a half hours later, after the event was over, this woman stood behind a friend I was speaking to, giving intense eye contact.

        When I finished the conversation, this woman, coiffed in a Mohawk hairdo tried---several times---to intimidate.  She wanted to scold.  My was that interesting.

        She found fault with what I said when I bumped into her, earlier.

        The katas provided through years of training in nonviolent com-munication helped me maintain my equanimity.  I responded, without reacting.  I let her know I disagreed. 

        She was apoplectic, when I told her, "I never gave you permission to judge me.  I want you to stop.   We only do our own inventory."  This she knows.  

        She's attended Al-Anon Family Groups for two years and three months.  

        She had been working this program with a sponsor, my recent former girlfriend.   I continued, "You do not do my inventory.  This is not how we do things in Al-Anon."  That is, a rundown of what was wrong with me. 

        She wanted to correct me because of my comment earlier that night.  She did not like my answer when I told her why I no longer attended the meeting on Tuesday nights.   

"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret."     Ambrose Bierce 

        Her eyes tried piercing my serenity.  She exasperatingly and loudly  blurted, "I'm only expressing my feelings!!"  She declared this in the midst of Saturday's event, bustling with people.  The majority of them have suffered because of their relationship with bombastic people, mainly alcoholics.

          People with her personality.

         Ah, that was a misstep.  She said this to someone who knew emotional and verbal aikido.

         My friends chatted a foot and a half away.  Behind her, they stood.  They faced one another in a circle, chatting away, sharing their reaction to the inspiring speakers featured on this night. 

         Little did they know about the drama unfolding three feet away.  I gently smiled at my accuser. Her behavior had no impact on me.  

         I faced them, feeling calm, even while encountering a raging bull.  "What would Christ, or the Dalai Lama do, in a similar occasion?" my thought.

        Back to the drama on Dowling Street, in San Leandro........

        "Please, express your feelings. That is not what you are do-ing now.  You are judging. 

        You're making a statement about my behavior.  That is not expressing emotions."  She could not reply, being dumbfounded.  Her mouth agape, the smoke emitting from her ears stopped. 

        "I'm not in agreement with you," I continued. "I do not like your parental tone.  We are equals. 

       "I can listen to you when we both speak like adults, not you acting like an angry parent, speaking to a naughty child.  I'm not that and won't tolerate it."

         We get what we tolerate.  Every adult has a right to dis-agree.  Only little children not making sense are prohibited from disagreeing with adults. 

         I added, "Thank you for sharing. What you've said allows me to know your values and your worldview.  This conversation is over." 

         She huffily replied, "Thank you for letting me share." 

         "You're welcome," I replied. 

          And that was that.  

            I was none the worse for emotional wear.  I took two and a half steps forward, rejoining my circle of friends with a smile.  They had no clue that enduring a tempest with an angry person just took place. 

      Some principles fixed in my mind while making like a bullfighter that night: 

 Our feelings, whether good or bad, are our property. They fall within our boundaries.  Our feelings are our responsibility.

 

Others' feelings are theirs. If other people feel sad, it is their sadness. This does not mean that they do not need someone else to be with them in their sadness and to empathize with them.  

 

It does mean the person who is feeling sad [or angry] must take responsibility for that feeling. Henry Cloud, Changes That Heal, (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1992) 123

Also,

If we feel responsible for others people's dis-pleasure, we are being controlled by others, not by God [or our principles]. This is a basic bound-ary disturbance..... If self-centered people are angry at you, it means you are learning to say no to evil.  

 

If mean people are displeased with you, it means that you are standing up to abuse..... If your parents do not like the decisions that you as an adult feel God has led you to make, it means you are growing up.                                                               Changes, 123

       We don't want to put another person's anger in control of our lives.  Heavens, that's codependency , something most people do, unfortunately.  

Gratitudes We Can Have: 

1.  Emotional matur-ity feels like spending the day at Disneyland with old friends.  It takes place when we replace vulnerable, deficient areas in our souls with healthier principles.

     In Saturday's case, one stabilizing princi-ple was that we are equal with every other adult on this planet. When this anger-filled person tried chiding me, I took her behavior for what it was: unacceptable.  I deserve greater respect than that, regardless of her percep-tions. 

     We don't want to accept blame, shame, guilt, fear or judgment when rela-ting with others.  They are forms of life-alienating communication. 

2.  We don't accept unacceptable behavior.  Others do not define us nor determine our moods. 

3.  We can be trained like Navy Seal.  A different type, however.  When the bullets of accusations, rage, or condescension fly our way, we can know what to do.  The danger is noted.

     As it approaches, we deflect it.  We do not allow the tempest coming our way to disturb our peace of mind. At the same time, we have no desire to hurt the angry person.  

     When the bullets of personal attacks appear, we respond, using recovery principles to shield us.  We don't react.

   

      Every time we practice boundaries, we get strong-er.  It becomes easier to do.  At first, we may be a bit clumsy.  We may not know how to assert ourselves.

     This weekend that wasn't a problem.  I am well-prac-ticed. 

      Assertiveness is like learning a new tune on a musical instrument.  It's awkward, at first. With practice, it gets easier. We get smoother.

       Eventually, we have finger memory.  We don't even have to think while performing. 

      Same holds true for saying our no as gently as our yes.  (Courage to Change,  Virginia Beach, Al-Anon Family Groups Headquarters, 1992, p 104.)  This is also true when we do not allow pleasing others to be our default mode.  It is in our best mental and emotional interest to consider our feelings, needs, and behavior, when we are in a relational drama.  (Courage, p. 359.)

      That's being internally referented. 

4.  We can have peace of mind.  This increasingly becomes a part of our lives when we do not base our self-worth on what we do.  Nor does it consist of what others think of us. 

5. "When the ap-plause of others is the reason for my behavior and ne-cessary for me to feel good about myself,  then I have given them power over me." Courage to Change, p. 9.

     We don't need approval to vali-date ourselves. 

6.  When an angry person confronts us, we can say what we mean, mean what we say,  but not say it meanly.  It feels satisfying when we know what to say when confronted. 

7.  We help ourselves when we surround ourselves with good friends.  We want to focus on them.  From them, we know love and know we are lovable.

     Being grounded this way strengthens us.  It replaces codependency and places steel in our soul.  It helps us to not be as shaken by unruly others.

      If others have a bad day, as in Saturday's case, when this woman confront-ed me, we don't take it personally.  Their negative behavior reflects their char-acter, not ours.

8.  I appreciate this truth: 

"Acting like a victim is a    choice, not a destiny."                   Hope for Today, p 189

9.  Rejoice, our character can continue to grow.  That happens when we stay in the solution.  When unpleasant people are upset with us, we want to remember the quote by Henry Cloud.  We are stand-ing up to abuse.

 10.  We want to have compassion for people like the woman who confronted me on Saturday.  They allow us to practice bound-aries.  They give us a stronger appreciation for friends.

        Someone’s mental state plays a huge role in their physical health.  If someone’s making life difficult for people around them, you can be sure they’re doing worse to themselves.

How About You? 

 What have you learned over the past year that helps you keep your poise when relating to an angry person?

Related Post:
Relating with Emotional Vampres

Celebrating Life, Enjoying Community With a Stranger and Friends; Practicing Boundaries With Bullies

Wednesday Gratitudes 
1. The weather was beautiful today. Connecting with nature and celebrating life is always good. This was true as I cycled on this gorgeous day.  What a gift it is

Character Metamorphosis: Squeezing Beyond My Comfort Level ........11/26/112

Image: "Bluebells" by Tim Blessed. Copyrighted
 photo, used by permission. All rights reserved. 

 "On the mountains of truth you can never climb in vain: either you will reach a point higher up today, or you will be training your powers so that you will be able to climb higher tomorrow." 

      Good Evening,

I'm checking in.  Today, I worked.  Normally, it's my day off. It's fascinating watching my personality contort as it's developing strengths in areas once vulnerable.

       The past few days I've been squeezing through the slit I've gnawed through my characterological cocoon.  Since this summer, it's been a season of metamorphosis

The Alternative to Surrendering Our Values: Emotional Aikido

    Good evening,

Did you enjoy your Sunday?  I did.  It's easy to let angry people intimidate us.

       Surrendering our values is easy to do during such moments. I appreciate having an opportunity to exercise Emotional and Verbal Aikido today. For more about that please read

Dealing With an Emotional Bully, Part IV .......7/6/12

God's love is like an evergreen tree; it thrives through every season.
Image: "Woodland" by Tim Blessed. Copyrighted photo. Used by permission.
Caption is the photographer's. It fits well with today's post.

         Good morning everyone,

I'm tending to the inn early today. Has you week gone well?  I hope so. If not, please allow me to offer you the calming tea of

Calmness in the Eye of an Emotional Storm: Not Allowing Others to Affect Our Serenity or Self-Image: Dealing with Bullies................ ...................6/19/12

          Good evening everyone,
I wrote what follows this picture a year ago, last March. I'm bumping it up, in case you missed it. It's so easy surrendering our boundaries, becoming intimidated, finding ourselves like deer frozen in the headlights when relating with an angry, intimidating or manipulative individual.
        Below is my response to such an occasion.  I'm thankful that I no longer accept unacceptable behavior, nor please unpleasant people, nor bear the burden of another's

Not Allowing Others To Define Who We Are ......6/13/12 400th post

Gratitude is the fairest blossom
 which springs from the soul.
Henry Ward Beecher

       Here I am, again. And, am I glad! This entry is a milestone. I like milestones. I'm a milestone type of guy. You'll find why, in my

Dealing With An Emotional Bully, Part VI: Turning The Person Over to God's Care, Letting Him Take Care of the Situation .........3/12/13

“Real life isn’t always going to be perfect or go our way, but the recurring 
acknowledgement of what is working in our lives can help us not only
 to survive but surmount our difficulties.” — Sarah Ban Breathnach

    Good evening,
This is my day off from work. Was it needed. I had a good time exercising. Walking for an hour in the morning and this evening, riding my bike for an hour and fifteen minutes (ten miles, I have an odometer), were two fantastic ways of investing in myself. I'm hoping I'll sleep well. I should.
    In between exercising, I rested, studied and spent time with friends.
    It's great seeing God at work in my

Taking Care of Self: Detaching With Love From an Abusive Person

“Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the
 charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.” — Marcel Proust 

     Good evening,
How was your Saturday? Mine was fine. It was busy, relaxing, intoxicating, invigorating, challenging and tiring. Other than that,

Played an Intense Game of Verbal Tennis 1/23/12

Playing a Verbal Tennis Game 

With an Attorney

      A fascinating conversation with someone early Sunday was had by yours truly.  His face reddened and he raised his voice when I questioned him.  I tried mentioning something that made me uncomfortable on Friday night. He was there.

      His first volley in our dialog was intimidating.  Sarcasm, and vehement arguing was his next ploy.  But, I held my ground on the tennis court of our conversation.  Healthy principles and boundaries prevented me from slipping on the verbal playing court.  I made sure we stayed on topic, not swayed by the intensity of his response.

      When this fellow leaned into my space and raised his voice, I asked, "Are you getting agitated?  If so, we can talk another time."  I've learned it doesn't make sense to talk with someone when they're drunk.  I would be as foolish as them. Waiting for when we can talk coherently is preferred.  The same is true when confronted by a person who is emotionally intoxicated. 

      The question calmed him down.  His next move was recruiting someone else to join the fray.  That was fine.  It was fun; exercising adherence to my values and exercising my right as an adult to disagree. We also made progress.

       With the other person joining the fray, our conversation had me returning rallying shots from one player who was defensive and the intense questioning of the other, who was not, a doubles game with me not having a partner.  I had presence of mind, not reacting, but responding.  Being mindful during the verbal contest allowed me to be courteous while maintaining my integrity. 

      When he stated I was trying to make him do something, which was not my intention, I asked, "Can you tell me what I said that made you conclude that?" 

      He couldn't answer.  Exactly my point.  I never asked him to do anything. That was his assumption. 

      I told him, "I've learned to express my concerns and leave it at that. What a person chooses to do afterwards is their option." I'm not invested in how others respond.  (Courage to Change, p. 310)

     There is only one God and I am not Him.  I kept the focus on me, expressing my needs, trusting God for the results. 

How About You?
What are strategies do you use, when someone tries engaging you in an argument?

Being an Adult---Saying No Gently, Without Fear, Getting Out of the Fog............................................. 10/26/11

“God gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today. Have you
 used one to say “thank you?”  William Arthur Ward Please
do so today by posting a gratitude. It will do you good. 

      I love seeing peo-ple grow in aware-ness. Today, I spoke with several consid-ering their options.  They no longer auto-matically accommo-date the needs of others when others make demands.

       Part of being an adult happens when we disa-gree, agreeably.  Expressing our opinion, voicing what we want, creates a great antidote to depression or resentment. If we fear dif-fering with others, we will find ourselves in a one-down relationship. 

       It's frustrating and dis-empowering to yield our values to others.  Often we don't want to create a stink or we fear harming the connec-tion. If someone doesn't respect our values, what type of relationship do we have?

       Yielding to others, in order to please, has an unpleasant impact upon our emotions (we become angry or depressed),  our mental state (we can fall into self-loathing or nega-tivity), and our physical well-being.(think of getting hives, high blood pressure or strokes).

       All such negative conse-quences result from not exercising boundaries.  We do not know how to say our "no" as gently as our yes.  It helps remembering that "no" forms a complete sentence. We have a right to refuse without explanation.

     If someone displays anger because we say no, they reveal much.  They want us to make decisions based upon their reaction, not our principles.  By giving in, we place their personality above our values.  Our emotional health develops when we place principles first.

      Their angry response violates a basic right of ours as adults, the right to make choices.  There's a word when someone uses anger, blame, shame, fear, or guilt to motivate us: manipulation.  It's emo-tional coercion, a form of violence.  

       Giving in to a bully reveals emotional slavery. 

 "Guilty or reluctant compli-          ance is never operating                from love; it is slavery."  

                Changes That Heal, p. 126. 

     When we yield to the coercion of others, we ransom our freedom.  We are surrendering our integrity.  We are not being true to our values.  

     We believe to keep the relationship we have to give in.  Is that in our best interests?  You know the answer. 

     The angry person wants control over our lives and what we choose.  Not a good deal.  When this happens, we should be energized regarding our stance and opposition. 

   

      Their behavior informs us, at least at that moment, he or she is neither considering our opinion nor feel-ings.  We must insist on having reciprocity, bal-ance, and fairness in all our relationships. 

      This is where we need to get out of the FOG, fear, obliga-tion, or guilt.  When we live in the fog we are not operating from love or independence.  Yielding against our wishes only alienates the relationship, creating frustration and resentment within us. 

      For meaningful relationships, we speak our truth calmly, without fear.  When we do, we will have better connections with others.  Because we are letting them bond with whom we really are. 

My Gratitudes

1.  I met with friends this evening. Wariness happens after going through an emotional hurricane Monday.  I saw someone at tonight's event, resolving an issue. I enjoy reducing clutter in the attic of my mind.

2.  I got reimbursed for expenses for com-munity service I do. I appreciate working with others who have integrity and follow through with their responsibilities---in this case taking care of money owed.
3. My two younger sons are joining me Friday for two seminars I'll attend that day. They are serious about wanting to grow in their effectiveness professionally, financially, and in their interactions with others.

     I'm proud to have sons who want to take a serious look at areas where they can grow. I appreciate seeing them continually mature, characterologically, before my eyes. I'm happy we'll be able to share the day together. What a treat. Really.  

     Okay, you know the routine. I ask visitors to please sign the registry by sharing three gratitudes.  Today, if that is daunting, I'll go easy: I'll ask for one. I appreciate the fellowship and community we share when you do comment here. Thanks!

Related Post:

Being Gentle When Expressing Our View

Opportunities for Spiritual Weight Lifting Part III Expressing Our Voice 6/23/11

        Good afternoon!

Welcome to all who drop by this inn of thanksgiving. Don't you like the pictures on the walls?  They are the work of the Englishman, Tim Blessed, a gifted photographer. Sprucing up this place in cyberspace is fun.

     A marvelous week, this was.  Seeing myself getting stronger, characterologically, nurtures my optimism. Emotional dust storms happened this week, when relating with others. That's when the fun began.  I'm  not saying this because I like drama.  Far from it.

     As we grow in our relationships with others, difficulties become opportunities for spiritual weight lifting.  We learn how to exercise strength----applying healthy principles---even with those who are hurtful.  What a deal!

Gratitude: A Matter of Perspective...... 5/15/11

           Life is good. I've discovered over the years that joy has NOTHING to do with external details. I can have it regardless what job I have, car I drive, the size of my home or how much I have in the bank, who loves me or who doesn't. .  In spite of difficult circumstances, I can still bump into joy, along with serenity and tranquility. What liberty, tranquility and joy I experience when I'm freed from external referenting.  Yes, that's a word. I admit, a big portion of my happiness is due to my relationship with God, more about that, in a minute. 

         But, partaking in an Attitude of Gratitude involves perspective, too.  I partake of it when I  choose to stay in the present, versus dwelling upon the darker moment of my past or fearing----being anxious----about possible future difficulties.  The present is where we are---always!!


        I'm thankful for knowing God’s forgiveness, and grace.  I delight in knowing that I'm in a loved position with God. This close, loving relationship does NOT change----even when my thoughts or behavior is less than the standards God has set for me. Now, that is a mind-blowing concept. 

       One of my favorite posters says, 'Life is a test. It

       is only a test.Had this been a real life you would

       have been instructed where to go and what to do;
       Whenever I think of this humorous bit of  wisdom,
       it reminds me to not take my life so seriously.

      Richard Carlson, Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff, p85.

***********************************************************************************

My gratitudes for today:

1.  I had a run in today with someone who struggles with rage and raged upon me. I have compassion for this person. I'm also thankful that I didn't cause his rage. He had it way before I ever met him.  I'm glad that I've learned that I am to be responsive to, but not responsible for, the emotions of others.  I can't tell you how liberating it is to not be manipulated by the emotions of others.(For more about dealing with an emotional bully, click here. )

    Other people's emotions are their property and my emotions are mine. To feel responsible for another person's emotions is a serious crossing of boundaries, ours and theirs.(For more about this, please click here.)

2. I'm glad that I don't get as triggered by the negative emotions of others. I was able to take care of myself. A serene day was had.  Really. There's a proverb that says to stay away from an angry person or you'll learn his ways. That's what I did this morning. 

    I actually said to this agitated person, "I never gave you permission to condemn me and I'm asking you to stop judging me." I said this calmly, Next, I extricated myself from this person.

3. It's wonderful knowing I'm powerless over the history that other people bring with them, including the pain that is involved with it. I also know that I will not allow myself to be anyone's emotional punching bag. There's a saying I've shared elsewhere:

"If you feel like  doormat, you need to get up off the floor." 

        For me, that statement brings a smile and a chuckle, but it's still true. I love the fact, that a I learn to stand  by my personal principles, stand in my power and live by my integrity, I enjoy a freedom and joy that I never experienced as a young man. My friendships are richer and more harmonious because, we get what we tolerate and we train people how to treat us.

          Let me know what you think. Look at the following link if you want to know if you're dealing with an emotional bully. Click here. Although this link refers to a woman as the bully, the same holds true if it's a guy. 

                       The guy from the Left Coast,

Good Friends: An Oasis in the Desert of Society 5/5/11

Gratitude is the fairest blossom
which springs from the soul.
Henry Ward Beecher
Image: "Single Rose" by Tim Blessed. All rights reserved. Used by permission.

 Welcome to the inn.  Thanks for dropping by.  May I offer you tea? 
My Gratitudes for Tonight: 
1.  I don't like abusive relationships.  No, that's not a gratitude, but in a way it is. I'm glad that I don't accept unacceptable behavior.  As a result, I enjoy serenity and emotional safety, as well as fantastic intimacy and compassion in my relationships with friends and family.  I'm thankful for the nurturing I receive from them.
2. I'm thankful for relationships that demonstrate:
         a. Mutual Caring
         b. Mutual Honesty
         c. Mutual Respect
      For more about this click here.  It's my default mode, if I'm not careful, to give---plenty---in my relationships, without considering my needs. Those days are over.
      I was groomed to be this way, as a child.  It was a great recipe for depression and disappointment. Now, if someone is unable to care also for me, I bless them and send them on their way. They are not God's gift for me.
      It's never my responsibility to give more than I humanly can and to let others take advantage of me. I'm worth having relationships that are mutual---not one sided.
      We get what we tolerate.  I'm glad that by diligently using boundaries, through applying nonviolent communication and having loving friends, I'm able to detach from others who would use me, causing harm emotionally, mentally or verbally.
      For more information about the nature of Destructive Relationships please read this.  For another perspective, here's a source regarding symptoms of an Emotional Bully.  Although it refers to a woman, these characteristics are certainly true for a guy, too.
3. I celebrate the beauty in each person, including you.  Thank you, for dropping by.  You make this place better with your presence.  You also have my prayers.  Really.
4. I'm thankful for Alexander, a Russian Blue cat. He and I are buddies; I'm happy he's still around. You might want to check out my post about our relationship here.
5. I enjoy in the wonderful universes created, when relating with others, often the result of my work.
      Anais Nin tells us each couple creates a new world that never existed until they met.  The complexity of friendship is as marvelous as a beautiful canyon or work of art.  To know the healing work of deep belly laughs, while with a friend, the comfort of a listening ear, and the support of a gracious, compassionate companion is to be wealthy indeed.
      I'm grateful for the support, joy and strength I derive from my friends.  My relationships humble me. My friends are incarnational ambassadors of God's love for me.

      Join me and let those dear to us know how much they mean to us. You'll be glad you did.
How About You? 
1.  How do you know when a relationship is out of balance?
2.  Would it be possible for you to describe one of your best friends?
3.  What do you look for in your relationships with others?
      I look forward to hearing your insights,

Handling Stress and an Emotional Bully 3/14/11

In the famous words of the philosopher
 Alfred E. Newman, "What, me worry?

      This evening, I spoke.

       It's an interesting experience.  In school, I performed in plays. It's the same dynamic when giving a talk. The audience continuously interacts with me, in this case, as I shared my thoughts about "getting a life."

       Tonight, several attending stretched their necks as they listened. They had difficulty hearing, an effort made difficult because I'm soft-spoken.