Good evening everyone,
I wrote what follows this picture a year ago, last March. I'm bumping it up, in case you missed it. It's so easy surrendering our boundaries, becoming intimidated, finding ourselves like deer frozen in the headlights when relating with an angry, intimidating or manipulative individual.
Below is my response to such an occasion. I'm thankful that I no longer accept unacceptable behavior, nor please unpleasant people, nor bear the burden of another's
misbehavior, nor submit to overbearing conditions. For more about that, you might want to read this.
************************************
Here is the post:
I was encouraged to see that in spite of the turbulence of her actions, I took time to notice what was went on within me. This was not my tendency as a kid. Thank God for personal growth; it helped me thrive in spite of today's difficult circumstances.
1. I'm thankful that it's best staying present when engaged in a crisis. It's better responding, not reacting to others.
When I react while in an emotional storm, it's to my detriment. I typically end up giving away big chunks of me, attempting to soothe manipulators and abusive, usually narcissistic others.
No longer do I respond in this way. For more about dealing with Emotional Bullies, you may want to read this. This link provides an excellent article: "Words Do Hurt--Stop Bullying From Affecting Your Health."
Bullies are more than our image of thugs who harass kids on school playgrounds or in the seamier parts of town. They can be our adult siblings, our spouse, our boss, among others. Yikes!
2. As I get stronger, characterologically, I am not as rattled when "bad" things happen.
3. I'm grateful that---with practice---while enduring another person's emotional maelstrom, we can emotionally step aside.
We can pause and decide our response. This is what police, fire fighters and those who work in psychiatric hospitals do, when facing a crisis. It's in our best interests if we do the same.
We can consider our options----asking ourselves, "what is it that I can do to take care of my needs?"
4. I'm thrilled that moments that years ago would have disturbed me are looked now looked upon with humor. I'm thankful for a perspective that sees through the prism of healthy principles. This lens allows my joy to remain, even while enduring significant pressures.
5. I'm thankful for skills that allow me to thrive during moments that at one time would have been overwhelming.
Yesterday, it was helpful detaching, while remaining courteous, yet firm, towards a person who yelled at three different people, including the mailman (poor guy). She smashed a flower pot, dirt, flowers and all, on the floor, shattering it to pieces. And she's a mild-mannered accountant.
If only she could have been a little more emotional. :->
6. I'm happy that, when I witnessed this emotional relapse, I was calm. The muscles in my face were relaxed. I spoke in a measured manner. My heart rate, wasn't too elevated. Of course adrenaline kicked in----I'm human. During the drama, my options, I considered. One of them was getting out of there, away from that person, pronto!
It's good knowing I'm not a helpless, hopeless victim. I've choices. Doing what was necessary to provide serenity for me, during an intense, unpleasant moment, was my first priority. After the episode calmed down, I left. Time elsewhere, enjoying several hours free from emotional drama, doing something I really like, was the tonic I chose.
*******************************
I'm thankful that yesterday, when I had an opportunity to do spiritual weight lifting, I was able to do so. For several repetitions, I took deep breaths and calmly lifted the weight of a dramatic situation. Towards the emotionally intoxicated person, I was compassionate, yet detached.
I've learned that pigeons do what pigeons do. I've learned not to sit under a tree that has pigeons roosting in it. I don't take a pigeon's behavior personally. Angry people are caught up in their misery and frustrations, using ineffective means to address them. Many don't know how to express their needs. Anger is a tragic expression of needs. It either alienates, infuriates or freezes those who encounter it.
I'm glad that every time I respond to abuse or drama, using healthy, compassionate, yet assertive principles, I get stronger. It also gets easier, responding from strength, not fear. Also, acting this way in the future becomes more likely.
It feels good, not being manipulated by anger---not caving in to guilt, shame, blame, fear or angry judgment. When I relate with others in a nonviolent way, using the recovery I've learned over the past eight years, from Al-Anon Family Groups, I'm placing principles above my personality. Please see footnote 1.
My response yesterday, while in a maelstrom of someone else emotional relapse was a huge change. Abuse I endured as a child. Please see footnote 2. My nature years ago---and now, if I don't have presence of mind which recovery from codependency offers me---was being passive. I'd either become frozen with fear or withdraw and isolate. Those were my two major ways of protecting myself.
I once permitted abuse to shower upon my soul. Such toxicity I no longer tolerate. Back then, I felt I deserved it. Now, I know that thought is an outright lie. Once, I was a doormat. Now---and yesterday---I got off the floor.
Seeing myself maturing is gladdening. Transforming from being emotionally the age of a seven year old to that of a mature man in his late twenties (even though I'm older than that) is heartening. That's progress, not perfection. And for that, I have an Attitude of Gratitude.
I wrote what follows this picture a year ago, last March. I'm bumping it up, in case you missed it. It's so easy surrendering our boundaries, becoming intimidated, finding ourselves like deer frozen in the headlights when relating with an angry, intimidating or manipulative individual.
Below is my response to such an occasion. I'm thankful that I no longer accept unacceptable behavior, nor please unpleasant people, nor bear the burden of another's
misbehavior, nor submit to overbearing conditions. For more about that, you might want to read this.
************************************
Here is the post:
 |
| I'm grateful for principles that allow me to remain calm in the midst of a storm |
How are you? Tuesday was a humdinger of a day. I experienced turmoil. Relating with a volatile person has that tendency.
Several years ago, I lived with the belief that the needs of others were more important than mine. Now, I realize the importance of paying attention to my own behavior, thoughts and feelings. I've found that even if we are not aware of it, our inner self needs this attention.
Depression is our neglected psyche issuing an insistent, incessant silent scream.
This insistent negative voice tell us we have to take care of our feelings and needs and notice our behavior. Depression is an internal scream that we are experiencing an unmet need. While not depressed, yesterday, I needed tranquility. Applying healthy principles permitted me to have emotional safety, even during a moment of intense drama. I'll list some of them in today's gratitudes.
Depression is our neglected psyche issuing an insistent, incessant silent scream.
This insistent negative voice tell us we have to take care of our feelings and needs and notice our behavior. Depression is an internal scream that we are experiencing an unmet need. While not depressed, yesterday, I needed tranquility. Applying healthy principles permitted me to have emotional safety, even during a moment of intense drama. I'll list some of them in today's gratitudes.
When I react while in an emotional storm, it's to my detriment. I typically end up giving away big chunks of me, attempting to soothe manipulators and abusive, usually narcissistic others.
No longer do I respond in this way. For more about dealing with Emotional Bullies, you may want to read this. This link provides an excellent article: "Words Do Hurt--Stop Bullying From Affecting Your Health."
Bullies are more than our image of thugs who harass kids on school playgrounds or in the seamier parts of town. They can be our adult siblings, our spouse, our boss, among others. Yikes!
3. I'm grateful that---with practice---while enduring another person's emotional maelstrom, we can emotionally step aside.
We can pause and decide our response. This is what police, fire fighters and those who work in psychiatric hospitals do, when facing a crisis. It's in our best interests if we do the same.
We can consider our options----asking ourselves, "what is it that I can do to take care of my needs?"
4. I'm thrilled that moments that years ago would have disturbed me are looked now looked upon with humor. I'm thankful for a perspective that sees through the prism of healthy principles. This lens allows my joy to remain, even while enduring significant pressures.
5. I'm thankful for skills that allow me to thrive during moments that at one time would have been overwhelming.
Yesterday, it was helpful detaching, while remaining courteous, yet firm, towards a person who yelled at three different people, including the mailman (poor guy). She smashed a flower pot, dirt, flowers and all, on the floor, shattering it to pieces. And she's a mild-mannered accountant.
If only she could have been a little more emotional. :->
6. I'm happy that, when I witnessed this emotional relapse, I was calm. The muscles in my face were relaxed. I spoke in a measured manner. My heart rate, wasn't too elevated. Of course adrenaline kicked in----I'm human. During the drama, my options, I considered. One of them was getting out of there, away from that person, pronto!
It's good knowing I'm not a helpless, hopeless victim. I've choices. Doing what was necessary to provide serenity for me, during an intense, unpleasant moment, was my first priority. After the episode calmed down, I left. Time elsewhere, enjoying several hours free from emotional drama, doing something I really like, was the tonic I chose.
*******************************
Freedom
Not Letting Others Affect My Serenity or Joy
I'm fortunate that I don't allow others to determine my moods or define who I am. For more about that, read here. When I need the applause of others to feel good about myself, I give them power over me. Not a good idea.Not Letting Others Affect My Serenity or Joy
I'm thankful that yesterday, when I had an opportunity to do spiritual weight lifting, I was able to do so. For several repetitions, I took deep breaths and calmly lifted the weight of a dramatic situation. Towards the emotionally intoxicated person, I was compassionate, yet detached.
I've learned that pigeons do what pigeons do. I've learned not to sit under a tree that has pigeons roosting in it. I don't take a pigeon's behavior personally. Angry people are caught up in their misery and frustrations, using ineffective means to address them. Many don't know how to express their needs. Anger is a tragic expression of needs. It either alienates, infuriates or freezes those who encounter it.
I'm glad that every time I respond to abuse or drama, using healthy, compassionate, yet assertive principles, I get stronger. It also gets easier, responding from strength, not fear. Also, acting this way in the future becomes more likely.
It feels good, not being manipulated by anger---not caving in to guilt, shame, blame, fear or angry judgment. When I relate with others in a nonviolent way, using the recovery I've learned over the past eight years, from Al-Anon Family Groups, I'm placing principles above my personality. Please see footnote 1.
My response yesterday, while in a maelstrom of someone else emotional relapse was a huge change. Abuse I endured as a child. Please see footnote 2. My nature years ago---and now, if I don't have presence of mind which recovery from codependency offers me---was being passive. I'd either become frozen with fear or withdraw and isolate. Those were my two major ways of protecting myself.
I once permitted abuse to shower upon my soul. Such toxicity I no longer tolerate. Back then, I felt I deserved it. Now, I know that thought is an outright lie. Once, I was a doormat. Now---and yesterday---I got off the floor.
Seeing myself maturing is gladdening. Transforming from being emotionally the age of a seven year old to that of a mature man in his late twenties (even though I'm older than that) is heartening. That's progress, not perfection. And for that, I have an Attitude of Gratitude.
How About You?
What helps you to stay "centered" when you are pushed by the emotional storms of others?
Footnote
1. Al-Anon Family Groups is an international organization for friends and relatives of alcoholics, whether this person is actively drinking or not. Click here to find a meeting near you.
It is in no way related with Alcoholics Anonymous. This is an entirely separate organization, helping those who have been affected by the effects of alcohol in another.
Members learn how to deal with emotional abusers, less than pleasant bosses, intimidators, issues of control, perfectionism, and other problem behavior characteristics often found where others are chemically dependent or emotionally repressed. Al-Anon Family Group (AFG) members learn to clean their side of the street, how to take care of themselves.
Even if a person doesn't relate with an alcoholic, attending may help that person recover from passivity, fear, self-loathing. Members learn that establishing healthy boundaries is key for emotional health. There are open meetings for those who want to learn more about this organization.
2. "Looking within is essential from the effects of another's drinking [or abuse], for although we may have experienced difficulties and trauma in our formative years, it is actually the continuing reaction to these things that troubles our lives today. Although we may have left the alcoholic [or abuser], we did not escape the turmoil, guilt, insecurity, rage, and fear we knew in our youth. In fact, we were suffocating in our own unhappy habits (or emotions), never realizing that another way, a spiritual way, could allow us to draw life-giving breaths of hope, friendship, and love.
"Awareness does not settle everything, nor does change happen overnight. Spiritual growth takes time. Making the "new" [our recovery from less than perfect circumstances] a familiar and comfortable part of ourselves takes personal commitment and the support of others...to help us on our way." From Survival to Recovery, p. 268.
Posts
8 comments:
hello innkeeper, it is refreshing and grounding to follow your updates here at the inn.
I am grateful that there is a better future ahead of me - where my behaviors and patterns are life affirming rather than life limiting. Where the possibility of change and behavior modification is real and attainable.
I am thankful for perspective and insight - when I now recognize how my old behaviors and patterns negatively impact others. This currently occurs a short time AFTER I've hurt or disappointed those close to me. I used to numb myself in self-pity and withdraw. Now I can reflect on those behaviors and resolve to change them rather than wallow in self-pity and surrender to hopelessness.
I am thankful for those close to me who love me and reflect/comment upon those hurtful behaviors. In the past, I would internalize their comments and create a scenario that would blame them for my behaviors. Not a path to healthy attitudes.
I am grateful for the realization that change is possible. That the process of change is not a life-threatening event,but a life affirming event where those around me wait for me to be cognizant of this so they can cheer and participate in enhancing and encouraging me as I strive to the finish line of developed human potential. Before I saw their encouragement (tough love sometimes) as criticism and a threat to my existence. Thanks be to higher power that I now see that I have been incredibly resistant to love, support and encouragement. The path seems long at this moment, however, with support like you, innkeeper, the Inn and a loving environment, I will develop the strength and understanding to graciously strive and achieve the changes I seek.
Thank you. Lowry
I think the thing that most helps me stay centered is perspective...the idea that things could always be worse and that there's always something to be thankful for.
Lowry,
Good to see you. What makes progress is action. "All the beautiful sentiments in the world weigh less than than a single lovely action." Courage to Change, p.86.
Lowry, I'm hearing that you are getting healthier. You're seeing areas where you can grow. This is a good sign, before you were unable to see them!
It's wonderful when we realize that we are loved for who we are, not for what we do. What we DO, or don't do, does NOT reflect our worth. As has been said before, we are human beings, not human doings.
Thank you, very much, for your kind words of appreciation. They mean much to me and let me know I'm not spinning my wheels when I write for this inn.
I appreciate your encouragement. I'm the one who typically cheers others on. It's refreshing hearing positive feedback about my work as the innkeeper. I like being appreciated and recognized for what I do.
Thank you for you comments,
The Innkeeper
Yes, Keith, I agree with you.
It's been said, "the optimist sees the opportunity in every problem. The pessimist sees the problem in every opportunity." And, "As a man thinks in his heart, so is he."
Thank you for your support of this inn. It means much to me.
I hope you are having a great week!
Hello Pablo, Thank you for your wonderful, and timely-for-me post. What helps me to stay "centered" when triggered are slogans like, "stop and think, easy does it, how important is it, and one of my favorites; HALT if you are Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired."
My Gratitudes for Today are;
1. I am grateful that I was able to seek refuge on a blazing hot afternoon, within the cool stone walls of your "Inn" while obsessing with futility how to catch a ride from work to the gym. Once I surendered and let go, I could relax, remember to seek serenity here, read your newest entry, be grateful and write them!
2. I am grateful for tools to use with angry, raging or emotionally distraught loved ones, who have been away from their inner healing work.
3. I am grateful to be learning to be happy/satisfied with what I have in the moment. Being content in the moment for whatever I have, am doing or whomever I'm with, is GRACE and a blessing.
Carl,
Isn't it amazing, how slogans are nutshells of wisdom? In essence, they are principles. Applying them allows us to handle our vulnerabilities and emotional reactions to stress or fear.
I appreciate your kind words, Carl. This is the vision of this inn, to provide help for the weary and inspiration for roses burnt and browned by strife.
I agree with you: it certainly helps knowing tools and principles that allow us to overcome the challenges life hands us.
Your words are inspiring, Carl. Soon, before you know it, I look forward to you submitting a guest blog post for this inn!
Life is all about attitude. Everything rises and falls with it. I'm glad to hear you are cultivating your attitude of gratitude!
"What is our attitude? It is the advance man of our true selves, more honest than our words, the librarian of our past and the prophet of our future." John Maxwell, The Winning Attitude.
I look forward to many more positive comments from you!
John Maxwell
Great advice to take. I hope you are flattered I took notes and left a toxic situation with a bullies attacking comments. There are no Meetings until tonight but I can use some of the alternatives you suggested. I love taking walks. I also took time to nurture my self by going to a DR. appointment to take care of me. I can stay present by reaching out at the Inn for help finding serenity in the storm. I like the sensitivity of the article and it gave me hope to continue along my day with serenity.
Thank you.
The Inn is a spiritual place. In the "midst of the storm" I received a call for a phone interview for a job I am applying for that looked perfect for me. I am grateful I was calm when I answered the call because I had just read your article. It is amazing how God works in out lives, He gave me just what I needed at the time.
Praise the Lord for all he has done for me when I could not do it for nyself.
I am learning to trust in him with all my heart and let go of self will. Wow
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