Relating With Difficult Others.... 9/24/14

      A guest to this inn once said:

"Try doing having acceptance when your almost 8-year-old makes weekly mass an exercise in humiliation!"

      I imagine it must, at times, be frustrating,

Dealing With an Emotional Bully, Part IV .......7/6/12

God's love is like an evergreen tree; it thrives through every season.
Image: "Woodland" by Tim Blessed. Copyrighted photo. Used by permission.
Caption is the photographer's. It fits well with today's post.

         Good morning everyone,

I'm tending to the inn early today. Has you week gone well?  I hope so. If not, please allow me to offer you the calming tea of

Taking Care of Self: Detaching With Love From an Abusive Person

“Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the
 charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.” — Marcel Proust 

     Good evening,
How was your Saturday? Mine was fine. It was busy, relaxing, intoxicating, invigorating, challenging and tiring. Other than that,

Not Going Into an Emotional Storm Alone & No Longer Being a Super Hero: Retiring the Cape (Freedom from Codependency) ..2/23/12

Have you taken time to thank God? You'll be glad you did.

      The post before this one was fun. I was under time pressure---using a public computer with limited the time. It felt like 

Character Discernment, Spiritual Weightlifting Part IV: Principles That Help Us With Any Relationship ...................6/25/11

Ladies, calm down. No, 
this isn't a picture of me.

     In a recent post (See here.) I wrote:

"As we grow in our relational skills, we see difficulties as opportun-ities. They allow us to do spiritual weight lifting.  We exercise the inner strength gotten by applying healthy principles when relating with others.

     We can do this even with those who are dangerous and hurtful. What a deal!"

         Just a second, before going further.   

         This week I disagreed in a blog.   The individual took it personally.   Untasteful descriptions of my character were tossed at me.   This person's friends chimed in, adding more invectives.  
         
          My, my.   I don't take anything personally.  I experienced cyber bullying.  The response was seen for what it was.   A lack of  maturity. 

        Progress doesn't occur when attacks are used.  This illus-trated an ad homi-nem argument.  Like what you see to your left. 

       Most people, when confronted aggressively, back-pedal. They are off guard.  It's, prefer-red--more effective--staying present---on topic.  

      A person is abusive towards us.   That's not the time to reason things out.  Waiting for when they are not emotionally intoxicated makes more sense. 

      Life happens.

      In light of the principles listed below, we can keep perspective, when attacked.   We do not drink the venom offered.  
   

    It's hard for an angry per-son to engage us in an emo-tional tug-of-war, if we let go of the rope.  I did that.  The angry response of others lets me understand their values and worldview.  

       We do not have to agree. 

       Sure, it is disappointing, being judged, misunderstood.  This happens in a conflict.  It is tempting to label the other person wrong.  Frequently this is their default mode towards us.

       Or one party is seen as stupid, an idiot, a twit.  That happened this week, to you know who.  But we don't allow others to define who we am or determine our moods,  

       We want to stand in our power, maintaining integrity with our values.  It's sad when people see different viewpoints as rubbish, tossing in profanities in the mix.  

       Unfortunately, this reaction  can surface when differences arise.  Critical responses needn't be our go-to response.  It is helpful remem-bering we can say our "no" as gently as our yes.

         It is  sad, tragic, when personal attacks are used to win arguments instead of discussing the issues.

"When we realize that we can  have differing viewpoints without either of us being wrong, we can all fit in together. just as we are."  Courage to Change, p. 140

      Unfortunately, this perspective is not common.  It requires hard work.  It happens when we place healthy principles above  negative default modes created when we were children. 

       We can be grateful for healthy principles. They allow discernment of who is safe and isn't.  The following comes from Safe People by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, of the Boundaries series book fame.  

        It's subtitle is: How to Have Healthy Relationships and Avoid Those That Aren't.  Their book, Boundaries, written in 1995 has sold over 5 million copies.   They've written numerous fine books.

      To see practical, brief, clinical video presentations on the subjects of Relationships, Goals and Success, Emotional Struggles, Leadership, Dating, Spiritual Life, Parenting and Marriage, by these psychologists, click here.   You'll be glad you did. 

       In the authors' words,

"Unsafe people have personal traits that make them extreme-ly dangerous to other people."  

Below, these authors go into detail.  

 Helpful Principles to Keep in Mind 

1. Unsafe people are defensive instead of open to feedback.
2. Unsafe people think they "have it all together " instead of admit-ting weakness. 
3. Unsafe people are religious instead of spiritual.
4. Unsafe people apologize instead of changing their be-havior.

      For each of the points stated above, the authors go into detail, in their book.  I'm skimming the general principles.  The authors discuss many other points as well, in depth.  

The following points are from page 34 in Safe People:
5. Unsafe people avoid working on their problems instead of dealing with                them.

    Unsafe people in this regard:

   a. Do not admit that they have problems, or they think they can solve the               problems, by themselves.
   b. Do not submit their life and will to God. In fact, call others "holier than                thou," when others suggest including their Higher Power, when dealing              with challenges.
   c. Do not confess when they've wronged someone.
   d. Do not forgive people who've hurt them.  They care more about the issue than they do about the relationship. (Safe People care more about the rela-tionship than they do about the issue.)

e.  Avoid facing relationship problems directly.  (I've ended relationships because of this factor---if a person I'm relating with is unwilling to discuss the issue, there's little hope for the friendship.)
   f. Do not hunger and thirst for righteousness.  In fact, they often mock those who do, minimizing the need for doing so.
   g. Treat others with a lack of empathy.
   h. Are not open to confrontation from others.
   i.  Are not in the process of learning and growing.
   j.  Blame other people for their problems, not seeing their part. [I often,                  when dealing with an issue between myself and another ask:  "Can you               tell me your contribution, so that I won't feel like I'm the only person to             blame?]
   k.  Do not want to share their problems with others, that they may grow.

       After  going into detail about this list, the psychologists Cloud and Townsend state: 

"People who are uninvolved in character growth can be unsafe, because they are shut off from awareness of their own problems and God's resources to transform those problems. Instead, they act out of their unconscious hurts, [our default modes] and hurting others."

      Having our perspective informed by these principles allows us to be grateful.  They provide greater clarity, mindfulness with relating.  These principles are a guide that lets us know who we want to connect with.  

       We are also aware of those we want to avoid.

       Instead of reacting, it is best responding.  When we do, its a good idea remain courteous towards those with whom we differ.  "The greatest form of wisdom is kindness." 

       We can say our no as gently as our yes.  This is detaching with kindness.  We can value those with whom we disagree.  detaching with love, not amputation.   

        Using assertive honesty strengthens relationships.  It is being honest while showing respect at the same time.  It is not using the hatchet of cruel words, judgments, criticism, assumptions or jumping to conclusions. 

        Detaching prevents us from responding emotionally.  Reacting is giving in to our default modes, if we aren't careful.  

        Relating healthily, when in a conflict can happen.  It occurs when we apply healthy principles above the negative default modes of our personality.  We replace being passive, timid, aggressive, abusive or being frozen in the headlights---- with feeling what we feel and want, then saying what we feel and want to those who trouble us. 

       This is being present and authentic.  It allows for bonding and genuine intimacy.  We are true to our boundaries. 
      

      Our standards define us.  They let others know what we accept and what we won't.   They let those we relate with know who we are---the package they get when relating with us. 

      With assertive, affirming honesty everyone is honored.  We are true to ourselves while respecting differences we have with others.  Our relationships will grow with a depth and kindness like we never dreamed possible. 

       Wishing you a great and grateful day,
                     The Innkeeper
       
How About You? 
1. What have you found helpful, when dealing with conflict?  
2. How do you respond towards others who are being unkind? 
3. What are signs that let you know that a person is not safe to relate with?  
      I look forward to your comments. Here's to growing communication within this inn of hope, encouragement and recovery,

 Other Related Posts: 

1. "Calmness in the Eye of an Emotional Storm."   To read that entry, please click here. 
2. "Dealing with Emotionally Charged Conversations"   You can read that here.

Handling Conflict with Grace and Some Questions for YOU 6/12/11

      Hey, let me know what you think of this video link from psychologist John Townsend. He's an author I respect. To see it, click here.

Questions I have for you: 

1. What do you do, to resolve conflict?

Wealthy Beyond Measure: Stress Free, Too .5/22/11

“Abundance does not consist in how

 much we have, but in how much

 we enjoy.”

 

     Good evening, everyone,
How was your weekend? Yesterday, my sons, a friend, and I were immersed in nature all day. At Sunol Regional Wilderness Park, near Niles Canyon, south of Pleasanton.  My sons, along with a friend I've known for fourteen years, and I hiked. For more than two hours, alternatingly

Expressing Feelings Part II 5/20/11

        It great when we express our feelings in a way that's constructive, helpful and affirming while still taking care of our needs. Ongoing practice of these skills helps if they are to become a regular part of our life.  We want to be mindful that:

      1. Often what we think of as expressing our feelings is really a judgment.  Example: " I feel you are disrespectful."   That's more a statement of what we believe

Calmness in the Eye of an Emotional Storm, II ......... 5/19/11

I'm thankful for life giving principles that allow me to stand firm, regardless of the pressures surging around me.

    Good morning everyone,

I came across this article, this morning. There's hope for me, I'm happy to say. I love languages and speak and read in a few of them; I always held there was value in learning them. My favorite is Classical Greek, an extremely precise language. I hope you enjoy the following link:  Click here.   Research is keeping me busy this morning, I like it.  Maybe a reader can tell me what the writer in the above link means by "learning a language as a discreet subject."

       Most of you know the routine in this inn. I ask readers to share their gratitudes. If you'd share three, I'd be  a happy innkeeper. But, if you are new to this place, I'll settle for one. So, that's the deal for today.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

       I've been having the unhappy circumstance of relating with a person who is frantic and under tremendous stress. A lot of my training, as a child and adolescent, conditioned me to want to placate others; 

Parading the Elephant: Expressing What Bothers Us........ 5/7/11

What did the grape say when the elephant
 stepped on it?  (Answer below)

          It has been an emo-tionally miserable week.

         It was filled with frustration.  I didn't think it would be, but such has been the case.  There has been lots of exhaling, let-ting out stress, along with my breath.  Encountering tension is not fun.

         The following link is helpful if you want to know if, like me, you're relating with an emotional bully.  Click here.

     I have been an elephant walker, and driver, this week.  The elephant in the living room of a troubled relationship has been paraded by yours truly.  I took the elephant with me everywhere.  It was a tight fit in the car, but my floppy-eared visitor and I visited a dear friend or two.

     Thankfully, these companions helped in giving it a bath----remov-ing some of the crud off of this unwieldy pachyderm, by offering perspective.

      As a result, I see this Jumbo-sized situation for what it is.  It is an opportunity for exercising principles.  Along with living by them.  It is important doing so firmly----but graciously----regardless of the resis-tance encountered.  This is especially true when I'm with the emotional bully that is making life miserable.

       Naming the elephant, discussing my concerns, with my buddies hasn't made circumstances better.   But I feel better.   This critter is not nudging my serenity as much as it was. I find the following helpful dur- ing troubling times:

     Life doesn't always go smoothly or peacefully, even though I wish it would.  In the past when something bother-ed me, I’d say nothing rather than face an argument.  It seemed better to be upset than risk upsetting someone else. The results were usually disastrous.  I would become irritable and unreasonable. I'd let resentment fester. 

    Today, I suspect adversity has value I hadn't recognized.  When I face adversity and deal with my problems or express my feelings, things have a chance to improve. [If I don’t mention my concerns there is no chance of it improving.] 

    Even if they don’t, I release the pressure I  feel.  I’m new at this. I don’t do it very gracefully yet.  Sometimes it’s scary a my words are not exactly welcomed. Nevertheless, I feel better when I finally begin living life on life’s terms. 

    Looking back, I see how much I’ve grown.  I wouldn’t have chosen the crises in my life.  But since [applying heal-thy principles], I’ve learned every problem can help me change for the better.  It can deepen my faith, adding to my self-esteem.

    The Chinese word for crisis is written with two charact-ers. The first stands for danger, the second for opportunity.  I'll look for the good hidden within everything I encounter.

‘There is no such thing as a problem without a gift             for you in its hands.’      Courage to Change, p. 139

'll be happy when my elephant becomes this size
Don't laugh, I've seen it happen with other elephants

 in my life!

How About You? 

How are you at expressing what troubles you?  

  Wishing each of you a terrific day, and look forward to your response.

The answer to the question above: the grape did not say anything---it gave a little wine. 

Hope For Dark Times............ 3/29/11

Experiencing a gracious living God is like feeling the
 sun's warmth streaming through the clouds of difficulties

         Good morning everyone, 

It's easy getting overwhelmed with the pressures we face.  It's second nature, relying on our mind, believing it will solve our problems.  It doesn't.  The lynch pin is

Handling Stress and an Emotional Bully 3/14/11

In the famous words of the philosopher
 Alfred E. Newman, "What, me worry?

      This evening, I spoke.

       It's an interesting experience.  In school, I performed in plays. It's the same dynamic when giving a talk. The audience continuously interacts with me, in this case, as I shared my thoughts about "getting a life."

       Tonight, several attending stretched their necks as they listened. They had difficulty hearing, an effort made difficult because I'm soft-spoken.