Calmness in the Eye of an Emotional Storm, II ......... 5/19/11

I'm thankful for life giving principles that allow me to stand firm, regardless of the pressures surging around me.

    Good morning everyone,

I came across this article, this morning. There's hope for me, I'm happy to say. I love languages and speak and read in a few of them; I always held there was value in learning them. My favorite is Classical Greek, an extremely precise language. I hope you enjoy the following link:  Click here.   Research is keeping me busy this morning, I like it.  Maybe a reader can tell me what the writer in the above link means by "learning a language as a discreet subject."

       Most of you know the routine in this inn. I ask readers to share their gratitudes. If you'd share three, I'd be  a happy innkeeper. But, if you are new to this place, I'll settle for one. So, that's the deal for today.

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       I've been having the unhappy circumstance of relating with a person who is frantic and under tremendous stress. A lot of my training, as a child and adolescent, conditioned me to want to placate others; 
In this case, I'm not. I'm happy I've learned the value of looking at my options, when challenged by difficult circumstances or people. I could, if I'm not careful, be triggered by the reactions of others. I wrote more about this earlier. If you want to read it you can find it here.  I find the following quote provides me with a helpful perspective:

"Focusing on ourselves doesn't mean that [we are oblivious and] we let other people walk all over us and pretend not to notice; or that whatever others do is acceptable. Nor does it imply that we should stop caring about our loved ones. Focusing  on ourselves simply means that we acknowledge the situation as it is, we look at our options instead of looking at the options available to other people."

      I was culturally trained---by my family, school and church----to ignore my values. I was to comply with what I was told, even if I saw things differently. Not a good idea. It's crazy making living that way. No can do. My need for integrity made it impossible to follow, in lockstep, regarding values that I don't agree with. Was I punished? Yes. Was I confronted by authority figures? Frequently. But was I determined? Absolutely. A side result of adhering to my values was that I was less depressed than those who yielded to others, resentfully or unwillingly.At the very least, I expressed my opinion, maintaining integrity with my values, even if it meant I was disciplined.

      How freeing it is, being internally referented. Yep, that's a word. I'm motivated by my internal values. They guide my behavior, responses, feelings and thoughts. They are positive, life affirming and full of grace----towards others and myself.  How sad it was when others tried to coerce my thinking or behavior, as a child, without wanting to even consider my point of view. I was a good kid. I behaved well, excelled in school and sports.

       But as a child, those accomplishments weren''t enough---for others, be it my coaches, teachers, priests or my father.  I was coerced and cajoled into thinking I needed to do better. Unfortunately, as a youth I didn't have the maturity to realize the values of these other people were unhealthy, damaging, and condemning me to misery, if I believed them.  I have compassion for these authority figures, now. How terrible it must have been for them to believe that we have to perform, in order to be acceptable or loveable.

The quote continues:

"We consider what is within our power to change instead of expecting others to do the changing. As a result, problems have a better chance of getting solved, and we lead more manageable lives." 

         That's because we do have control over our choices. We don't have control over the choices and value of others. What simplicity this quotation offers, as to how we can respond to the crises and drama queens we face. The quote finishes this way:

"Today, if I am troubled, I will assess the situation and consider my options. I will not wait for anyone else to change, but will focus on myself and the part I can play in making the situation a better one."

       "Acting like a victim is a choice. It is not our destiny."  We are not helpless, hopeless victims.  Isn't that great?

    Let me know what you think.

        Here's to having a happier day, being internally referented and making wiser choices---going beyond our nature to react to the needs, demands and emotions of others.

      The grateful innkeeper,